The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest?

The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest? Литагент HarperCollins Cats once were proud, shrewd, independent animals who lived life on our own terms. But then came a life of domestication, comfort and free health care. And now cats are in danger of losing our sense of adventure completely. Fluffy and Bonkers say it's time to fight back and regain control of your rightful place as ruler of the roost once again.Cats once ruled the alleys, galleys and the valleys. Rodents trembled in fear. Birds steered clear. Cats took chances. Some lived fast and died young… We were on the prowl.But then came a life of domestication that was simply too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired, from ear massages and shelter from the rain to cuddle sessions and free health care. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed like a fair trade.Or was it? Has domesticity really been good for cats? What has become of our sense of adventure, our sense of independence? Did you know that because of boredom and indolence, the average feline today uses up a mere 2-3 of its 9 lives?Fluffy and Bonkers think its time to get out of the comfortable back seat of life and regain control of your destiny. They created this manual to teach discerning cats how to wake up a human when they want to get fed, how to stare like a pro, how to carry yourself in a catfight and - most importantly - how to get away with practically anything. With The Devious Book for Cats you can return to the noble creature you once were and assume your rightful place as the ruler of your household once again. The Devious Book for Cats Fluffy and Bonkers With the Assistance of Joe Garden, Janet Ginsburg, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki and Scott Sherman Illustrations By Emily Flake For Jim Davis Table of Contents Cover Page (#u454e650b-e6b3-5ee3-9b8b-784bcc5d5995) Title Page (#uafc701d9-6bb8-5591-8587-50eaf9c13c8c) Dedication (#u2fc491a2-0340-5ccb-aed7-45a45a1d33e1) FOREWORD (#u4dc054ba-b03f-531a-b7ae-deae70aa4780) Reasons You Meant to Do That (#u3449f4c7-b718-5c13-9e53-4396316c9c0b) The Art of Swiping Food (#u0de77674-d26b-5db6-b63e-a3d08d48f5e8) Cardboard Boxes (#u7762491d-56d5-5f8c-8e68-5c6ea6cc0480) Extraordinary Cats in History – Part I (#u39dc0590-aba8-5b4c-b9a7-05c201180cc7) Cats and Arch-Villains (#u66f97c2e-54ed-528b-a1f6-475b89928994) Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom (#u9d017c6e-8bbe-59af-a32a-8b23e7809107) The Laws of Petting (#u90bffcb7-b00b-51aa-8ee8-5c81587f453a) Secrets of Daredevil Cats (#u5c2c2ca7-ce48-5d56-989a-fb84ac0733fb) Wake Up! (#u3497cfd7-5c19-5e0f-8432-a4cb1549d10e) Stowaway Stories (#uaa8a17ad-d3d3-578a-9dff-0eaa7f296194) Relatives and Ancestors (#ufe0a0677-b3f7-5328-a636-b7776e4f6661) Choosing the Perfect Gift (#litres_trial_promo) What’s in There? (#litres_trial_promo) Hunting Wild Game (#litres_trial_promo) Cat Litter Explained (#litres_trial_promo) For Black Cats – Making the Most of Superstition (#litres_trial_promo) Shelf Swat (#litres_trial_promo) The Legend of the Crazy Cat Lady (#litres_trial_promo) Felinism (#litres_trial_promo) An Illustrated Guide to Napping (#litres_trial_promo) Extraordinary Cats in History – Part II (#litres_trial_promo) Catnip (#litres_trial_promo) Organizing an Effective Secret Mission (#litres_trial_promo) Egypt: The Land We Once Ruled (#litres_trial_promo) The Window (#litres_trial_promo) Catfight! Five Moves You Should Know (#litres_trial_promo) Careers for Cats (#litres_trial_promo) Dogs (#litres_trial_promo) How Emma Found Home (#litres_trial_promo) Getting Away With It (#litres_trial_promo) The Three Stages of Transcendent Contentment (#litres_trial_promo) Life in the Barn (#litres_trial_promo) Staring Like a Pro (#litres_trial_promo) Maintaining Your Quality of Life If Declawed (#litres_trial_promo) What to Do When You’re Stuck up a Tree (#litres_trial_promo) Toying with Allergy Sufferers (#litres_trial_promo) Keeping the Mystery in Your Relationship (#litres_trial_promo) The Vacuum Cleaner: A Vortex of Terror! (#litres_trial_promo) Extraordinary Cats in History – Part III: Semper Feline (#litres_trial_promo) The Scratching Post and Other Postmodern Forms of Control (#litres_trial_promo) Your Attention Span (#litres_trial_promo) Fat Cats (#litres_trial_promo) Getting Something You Really Need (#litres_trial_promo) Extrasensory Pussycats (#litres_trial_promo) Booby-Trapping the Home (#litres_trial_promo) In Defence of Your Discriminating Palate (#litres_trial_promo) Your First Cat Tree – Making the Leap (#litres_trial_promo) The Pros and Cons of Being Sullen (#litres_trial_promo) Outsmarting Your Toys (#litres_trial_promo) Planning Your Next Holiday (#litres_trial_promo) The Nine Lives of Mr Moggy (#litres_trial_promo) ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS (#litres_trial_promo) ABOUT THE AUTHORS (#litres_trial_promo) Copyright (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) FOREWORD (#ulink_8285657c-f3cf-59ab-b9e7-c3744a6395aa) Pulling the Strings Cats didn’t need to be domesticated. We have always been proud, shrewd, independent animals living life on our own terms. Fierce and noble, the Felis silvestris catus once ruled all she surveyed. We were worshipped by mortals and roamed wide as we pleased. Rodents and birds trembled at our approach, and the mere sight of a black cat sent even the most hulking human scurrying home. It was a good time to be a kitty. But cats are no fools. The perks of domestication were too good to pass up. Humans gave us everything we desired: ear massages, better health care and a bounty of toy mousies. In return, they were permitted to bask in the majesty of our presence. It seemed a fair trade. Or was it? Has domesticity really been good for cats? Now kept indoors under the pretence of safety, we’ll often curl up on the couch for hours at a stretch, eat a couple of times, go to the toilet in a box and call it a day. Is that the life we want? When was the last time you stalked an unsuspecting bird, climbed excitedly up the coats in the wardrobe, or zipped wildly from one end of the house to the other in under four seconds? Sure, we get our share of wet food, and the occasional deliciously fishy treat. But ask yourself this: Who sets your feeding schedule – you or your person? It’s time we faced facts. Domesticity has dulled our authority and bored us silly. Did you know that because of a sedentary lifestyle the average feline today uses a mere two to three of its nine lives? We might be living longer, but aren’t we living less? And what’s become of our haughty spirit, our famously sassy, standoffish personalities and our legendary curiosity? Aren’t they languishing on that luxurious goose-down cat bed from the glossy pet catalogue? Cats have been content to take a comfortable back seat in life for far too long. The time has come to step out of the shadows and pull the proverbial strings in our households. Luckily, we can do it without giving up any of the comforts we’ve come to enjoy and expect. Of course, the question for most cats is ‘How?’ The answers are in this book. It contains all the information needed to regain control of your sovereign destiny. In it, you will discover the secrets of how daredevil cats survive seemingly impossible, deathdefying stunts. You will learn why the Egyptians worshipped your ancestors as gods, and why your person should do the same. You will find out all there is to know about cat litter, and take a look at some fantastic pictures of glorious cardboard boxes. You’ll also be taught to stare like a pro, wake a sleeping person, and get away with practically anything. But what we really hope you find in this book is yourself – a noble creature who seeks to experience the wild, unrestrained joys hidden within the sheltered, pampered life you deserve. Reasons You Meant to Do That (#ulink_3c702eff-7863-5297-bcc4-359f06c943c9) In the human world, there is a thing called a ‘mistake’. There’s no exact translation in the feline language, but it basically means doing something you did not intend to do. The concept is quite confusing to cats since everything we do is done both correctly and on purpose. There are occasions, however, when our actions appear to resemble one of these so-called ‘mistakes’ to humans, and this coincidence often produces accidental miscommunications. In the event of such a mix-up, you should have some prepared statements ready in order to avoid an incorrect interpretation of your actions. ‘Mistake’: Your head is stuck in a beer mug. Reason: Bavarian cats have long known that sleeping in dewy beer steins can refresh and smooth the coat. The hops, malt and barley also provide an aromatic masking agent for mousing. Also, there’s nothing wrong with a little nightcap. ‘Mistake’: You slammed headfirst into a screen window. Reason: There was an insect – a huge, mega-insect – right between your eyes that just wouldn’t get off. Well, it’s off now, isn’t it? What’s more, a powerful and graphic message that your face is strictly off-limits has been sent to the insect community. ‘Mistake’: You leapt from the armchair to the television, but rather than landing on top, continued sliding off the set. Reason: That ‘slip’ was a symbolic act of civil disobedience. The grip multinational conglomerates have over the airwaves has reached a critical mass. Lack of competition in Big Media has made quality programming all but obsolete. Your slide was meant to be a physical representation of the slippery slope we tread when we allow the corporate monopolization of entertainment, which creates an uninformed, intellectually lazy and generally apathetic populace. If your person didn’t get that, it just proves the point. ‘Mistake’: While stretching out on the sofa, you rolled off the cushions and fell to the floor. Reason: After spending all day licking your claws, you didn’t want to ruin their lustre by getting them caked in the thick layer of dust your person allowed to build up in the upholstery. ‘Mistake’: You slipped into the fish tank. Reason: Those neon tetras, angelfish and daft zebrafish were taunting you all day. What appeared to your person as an unintentional dip was in fact a carefully choreographed move designed to instil shock and awe in your fishy foes. Now they know they’re not even safe in their castles and treasure chests; if pushed to the limit, you won’t hesitate to get wet. ‘Mistake’: You’re swinging around from a ceiling fan at 180 rpm. Reason: Look, you’re a busy cat with better things to do than wait around and air-dry after your dip in the fish tank. Clinging to a fan blade allows you to dry quickly and get on with the day. Staying damp for any longer is tantamount to letting the fish win. ‘Mistake’: You played an unstructured, unmelodic scherzo on the piano. Reason: That seemingly anarchic piece was actually the third movement of your free jazz symphony. ‘Mistake’: You’re trapped in the fridge. Reason: Trapped? Hardly. You’ll come out once you’ve eaten, well, everything. ‘Mistake’: Rather than walk down a staircase, you tumbled down without your paws ever making stable contact with any one individual stair. Reason: Oh, does your person still make sure to step on every stair? That’s so…quaint. Apparently the efficient practice of stair sliding has not spread to the world’s more pedestrian species. ‘Mistake’: You wandered into the reptile house at the zoo and have been swallowed whole by a Burmese python. Reason: You’re following up on a tip that the python ingested a brilliant toy that was dropped in the enclosure. Once you retrieve it, you’ll just set off the fireworks you brought along and stroll out of the serpent’s gullet without receiving so much as a scrape. The Art of Swiping Food (#ulink_72ef8907-d863-524d-986c-365d48dfa595) You’ve heard the stories. Maybe you’ve even witnessed the sad sight of an animal humiliating itself for nothing more than a morsel of human food, its hunger-twisted mind somehow rationalizing that an eagerly performed Irish jig on command is worth a chunk of sausage and a lifetime of self-loathing. Unlike such creatures, cats are far above begging. After all, it is highly undignified behaviour that not only makes the beggar look weak and needy but demeans its entire species. Cats prefer the direct approach when it comes to getting a fair share – by being yowling, insufferable pests, or just hopping up and helping ourselves. However, these gambits come with consequences. Brazenly taking a bite of your person’s Lean Cuisine entr?e or coming at it from all sides while screaming your head off has certainly got you thrown out of a room more than once. So how do you easily get the food that’s not freely offered but is owed you nonetheless? The answer is swiping. It will help you get your paws on a wide array of tasty treats with no grovelling, and no prints left behind. Swiping is an art borne of opportunity, and truly effective swiping requires a quick wit combined with steely patience, self-control and your natural gifts of creeping and sneaking. Resisting the instinct to pounce on anything even remotely worth eating is as difficult as it sounds. Expert swipers train for years, but their hard work is rewarded. Those at the top of the craft are able to supplement their everyday caloric intake by as much as 75 per cent through swiping alone! To get started, here are three basic swipes you can employ: The Up ‘n’ Down: If party preparations are afoot or a holiday meal is being whipped up, there are definitely delectable items resting upon counter tops and other elevated places. Settle in the general vicinity of the best smell and cloak yourself with an air of relaxed innocence. Appear as though you are no threat whatsoever to the scrumptious, hovering foodstuffs. As the day becomes more chaotic, the attendant humans will forget you’re even there. The second you notice the area is clear, make a beeline for the grub zone. Once under your target area, employ the Up ‘n’ Down swipe – reaching up and pulling down whatever you can touch. A paw isn’t a particularly effective periscope, so your swipe selection will rely on the paw pads’ deliciousness sensors and overall sheer luck. On coffee tables and serving trolleys, keep a feel out for spongy chunks of Gouda and greasy slices of yummy salami. If you’re in the kitchen and your paw feels something that’s big, sticky and damp, hook your claws in and yank. You might wind up with a baked ham all to yourself! Once you score, quickly scram to a safe, rarely trafficked location to evaluate your booty. Since this is a sight-impaired manoeuvre, the Up ‘n’ Down will occasionally yield nothing more than a gherkin or a wine cork. If you don’t have adequate cover to make a follow-up swipe, at least you can have a good time batting one of these around the house for a while. The Down ‘n’ Up: Performed when positioned above food, the Down ‘n’ Up swipe involves gingerly reaching down and drawing a morsel up to you. This swipe is best accomplished when invisible. When your person is eating a meal on the sofa, slip behind her and slowly dip your paw down to her plate, being careful not to make contact with any part of her body. Perfect silence is a must, but that shouldn’t be an issue, because you are invisible. When employing the Down ‘n’ Up, you have a view and can be choosy. This is the time to go for the beef component of the Beef Stroganoff, not the nasty mushrooms. The Gimme-Gimme Slide: The great thing about swiping is that, in addition to snagging some human food, it can also be used to right some intraspecies wrongs. If you live with another cat who you are certain gets far superior grub, deploy the Gimme-Gimme Slide. In most multi-cat households, meals are served in tandem, which offers the best swiping vantage. While maintaining at least a passing interest in your food, slowly reach sideways, scoop up a pawful of her meal, and place it in your dish. It may have come from the same can, but rest assured the food in her bowl was dispensed from its premium quadrant. Over time, the other cat may start to get a bit scrawny, which will worry your person, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She’ll just dish out more food for your rival. And that’s a bounty all the more ripe for your swiping! Cardboard Boxes (#ulink_2350f6ee-92ef-5530-9038-8b4e5940987a) Remember that exciting day when you were a kitten and the first box arrived in your home? It smelled different! What could it be? Cheese? Squirrels? Squirrels filled with cheese? You leapt on top of it, sniffing and picking at the flaps to find out what was inside. When your person finally sliced the box open, you were disappointed to discover that all it contained was her late-night jewellery purchases from the shopping channel. But once those useless guts were removed, a wonderful, comfy cube was revealed. Like a siren, it called, this room within a room. You chewed the edges, rubbed your face all over the pointy parts, and greedily crammed yourself inside. Ever since that magical day, you have been very sure of one thing – you will lay claim to each and every box you encounter. However, keeping this vow isn’t as easy as it might seem. Cardboard boxes are under constant threat from your person, who could swoop in and flatten them at any moment. The only way to really keep tabs on your box is to get inside and stay put no matter what. Known as box-steading, this requires a singular focus and the investment of a lot of time. Long naps are always an option, but sometimes you’re just too frisky. And that’s when you can be most vulnerable, jeopardizing your claim by scrambling after a piece of cellophane. To ensure that box stays yours, it’s vital to stay focused and keep occupied. If you’re a determined box-steader, we’ve got some activities to help keep you going: Fruit Crates: Having a sun-drenched rest in one of these open-air numbers is sublime, but they can also be used for other exciting pursuits. Try transforming this box into a battering ram. Tear across the living room and leap in, sending the box careening into plant stands and stacks of DVDs. If your person is trainable, she can also drag the box around the living room while you enjoy thrilling adventures as Captain Felix of HMS California Oranges. Beer Cases/File Boxes: Take a moment to inspect whether your box comes equipped with bonus side-portals. If so, you’re in luck, because you’ve got the perfect set-up to play a game of Lurk and Smack. Crouch down in its dark confines and poke your paw through a hole. Then blindly and frantically smack at whatever might be passing by – legs, fur tumbleweeds, legs, that dog, legs. Give ‘em all the works. Pizza Boxes: At first there’s a lot to do in a box that once contained a pizza pie, like scavenging for nuggets of meat and licking puddles of oil. But after you run out of snacky bits, what else is there? Plenty! This box easily converts into a lair when you transform into your alter ego, Flattened Kitty-Worm, who shall vanquish all who dare enter her kitchen-floor domain! Fridge Boxes: You can enjoy an afternoon of peaceful seclusion in one of these boxes, but it can get boring in that deep, murky space. Instead, pretend to be trapped in a well. Let out wail after terrified wail until your person races in to find out what’s wrong. When she breathlessly opens the lid to come to the rescue, just groom yourself nonchalantly as if you haven’t a care in the world. This never gets old, so feel free to keep it up all afternoon. SPECIAL BOX OCCASIONS Certain days bring with them a veritable box bonanza, and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned box-steader. So many at once! Which should you claim? The answer is all of them, if you can manage it! Christmas: The weeks before Christmas are a time of high spirits and wonder, with clanky ornaments to shatter, crinkly paper to be shredded and clunky candles just asking for a smack down the stairs. But this is nothing compared to the box-boom awaiting you on the big day. Boxes filled with tissue paper! Boxes filled with twist-ties and instructions! Boxes that stink like summer sausage! Just run around like mad and investigate. Dive in! Dive out! Dive in again! Take your time because, in the spirit of the season, your person will leave these boxes lying around for an extra-long time. To let her know you appreciate it, cram that big fluffy bottom of yours in that little box right over there and pose for next year’s Christmas card photo. Moving: If a large number of pre-flattened boxes start entering the house, you are probably moving. The actual move will be an unpleasant experience, but the packing phase is actually great, so make the most of it. Out of nowhere, box after box will just start appearing. Hop into every one you can, burrowing under the newspapers and shedding thoroughly on all the kitchen equipment. Don’t worry about getting scolded. Your person will let you do whatever you want because she’ll feel guilty about uprooting her baby, particularly if you’re moving in with her fianc? who keeps a potbellied pig. Whatever the box or the occasion, always remember the most important rule of box-steading. Be adorable. One thing is for certain: Any cat looking cute in a cardboard box keeps her box for that much longer, and has lots more boxes in her future. THINGS THAT ARE NOT BOXES THAT YOU SHOULD BE IN Shopping Bag: What’s in that bag? Are you in that bag? If not, get in there! Cool Box: Your comfort is more important than the temperature of the beer. Colander: These are cosy and perfectly cat-sized, and besides, spaghetti isn’t even delicious. Laundry Basket: Nothing improves a pair of dress trousers like your fur. Bathroom Sink: Your person can brush her teeth just as well in that one in the kitchen. Extraordinary Cats in History – Part I (#ulink_95e57298-80de-5845-849d-10715c03084f) All cats love to leave their mark on things. People, furniture, books, even whole houses can be declared cat property and, once that happens, never be taken away. Marking a place in history is another matter. To be remembered forever takes more than a simple brush against destiny, and it’s definitely not as easy as modifying a video-game system by rubbing your face on the controller. What follows are tales of those who earned their place in the annals of history with persistence, courage, intelligence and cunning. These cats will always be revered. They are extraordinary. FRED – UNDERCOVER DETECTIVE CAT While law enforcement agencies have employed many dogs, the number of cat police officers has been much smaller. This is mainly due to the fact that cats aren’t particularly keen on intractable rules and generally prefer more flexible guidelines. There is, however, one absolute law that must be obeyed: Anyone practising veterinary medicine had better be properly qualified and licensed. An American cat named Fred discovered that law being broken and decided to do something about it. When Fred was a kitten living on the mean streets of New York City, he had a host of health problems, and it didn’t appear there was much hope for him. Luckily, Fred was rescued by an animal sanctuary. He was nursed back to health and eventually became part of a loving family. Fred’s adopted family worked in the New York District Attorney’s Office. One case under investigation concerned a phony veterinarian operating without proper training or licensing. The DA’s office was contacted by the owner of a dog named Burt who had endured an unsafe and unnecessary surgery. A brief investigation revealed that Burt was not the first animal to be victimized by this quack. Less than a year after being plucked from the streets, Fred was enlisted to help bring down the perpetrator. He signed on without reservation. The guy had to be stopped. A sting was set in motion. First, police outfitted a mock apartment in Brooklyn with concealed microphones and cameras. Then a detective contacted the phony vet and inquired about having her cat neutered. When the appointment was scheduled, the District Attorney’s Office sent in Fred as their undercover cat. The subject arrived at the apartment and agreed to neuter Fred for the sum of $135. The trap was sprung. As he tried to leave with Fred in a cat carrier, waiting detectives cuffed him. Following the arrest, Fred received many honours. He appeared at press conferences wearing his DA badge, received a Law Enforcement Appreciation Award, and was even presented the Mayor’s Alliance Award by Mary Tyler Moore and Bernadette Peters on Broadway. It is with a heavy heart that we tell you Fred passed away in 2006. His death remains a tragic loss, but it is comforting to know Fred will never be forgotten. ALICE – THE CAT WHO PLAYS GUITAR BETTER THAN JIMI HENDRIX As anyone who has ever poked around on You Tube will attest, cats can play the piano. The world is sadly unaware, however, of a freaky cat named Alice. Not only is she the first feline to play the guitar, but Alice can also jam better than Jimi Hendrix. Alice lives in Sandusky, Ohio – a long ways from Jimi Hendrix’s hometown of Seattle, Washington, but the two do share a birthday, 27 November. Alice knows this because her person, Danny B., makes it a point to tell her at almost any opportunity. Danny B. has been an aspiring guitarist for fourteen years, and sometime in 2003 he inspired Alice to take up the instrument. One night she watched as Danny B. practised, her ears twitching each time he hit a bad note. He became progressively more discouraged, eventually throwing the guitar down in frustration. After running out to the garage for a little while, he came back and popped in his Woodstock DVD for the 167th time. As Danny B. muttered about how great Hendrix was, Alice sniffed around his guitar and pawed at the strings. She liked how it felt but got scared at the noise and ran to Danny B.’s lap, curling up with him on the sofa to watch how Hendrix did it. For five years Alice followed that same basic schedule. Every night after Danny B. finished practising, she lounged with him on the sofa and studied Hendrix intently until the pizza came. In time, Alice began to understand where Jimi was coming from. She got the guitar and started making noises that weren’t frightening. Cats started to come from all over to peer in the window and watch her jam. With her eyes closed and head tilted back, Alice put on the show she learned from Hendrix, but then took it a step further. Instead of just playing with her teeth and behind her back, Alice perfected the trick of using her tail, something that not even Jimi dreamt of doing. Having five claws on each paw meant she could play without a pick. With this technique Alice brought a new meaning to the term ‘guitar shredding’. Danny B. still doesn’t know Alice can play, because she waits until he’s gone to work before cranking up the amplifier. Recently she has been putting the finishing touches on her album, Salmon: Bold as Love. It’s a shame the human world will be deprived of it, but her cat fans in Sandusky are preparing to be blown away. Rumour has it that her use of a meow-meow pedal is unbelievable. Cats and Arch-Villains (#ulink_59a94246-c5ed-5021-94fa-faebf35b4011) The film industry has long acknowledged the relationship between cats and arch-villains. Whether it is the white Persian held by James Bond’s nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, or the cat behind the desk of Don Corleone, or Lucifer, the companion of Cinderella’s evil stepmother, the presence of a feline is often a tipping point between ordinary villain and arch-villain. Though these examples are fictional, like all great movie conventions they are rooted in reality. Rumour has it that Guy Fawkes was convinced to carry out the Gunpowder Plot by a stray cat who heard there were exceptional chips hidden in the Houses of Parliament, and according to intelligence reports leaked from North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Il receives counsel from an all-Siamese advisory panel. The dynamic between cat and arch-villain is a complex one, and perhaps the most symbiotic of all interspecies relationships. World domination is not a single-person enterprise. Villains who aspire to more than the occasional petty small-time bank robbery know they need allies. As an animal that naturally maintains dominance over all it surveys, cats are uniquely qualified to advise these evil powerseekers on topics such as double-crossing, silencing do-gooders and constructing a W80 thermonuclear warhead that can be deployed via cruise missile using the BGM-109G Gryphon GLCM. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT 6:00 A.M. Wake up evil army by stepping on all of their faces 8:45 A.M. Stare at shark tank for twenty minutes before selecting which one you want for breakfast The decision to ally oneself with an arch-villain, however, is a difficult one. First of all, helping a human take control of a world that is already ours seems a bit silly, but sometimes a power-sharing agreement is preferable to protracted conflict. There are several important questions to consider before aiding any diabolical plot: What kind of food is the dastardly genius offering in exchange for your services? Are we talking plain-old tinned chicken hearts and liver, or is there a promise of fresh cod? The chances are good that your involvement will result in the subjugation of all mankind, so demand that food be at least four out of five stars. How competent is the arch-villain? Azrael was a strong, proud cat, but his alliance with the bumbling evil wizard Gargamel perpetually made him look foolish. Being undone and embarrassed by a piddling group of blue half-men like the Smurfs is something no cat should ever endure. Before you sign on with an evildoer, request to see a CV of past malevolent deeds. Additionally, have him detail his five- and ten-year plans. Find out if he hopes to rule over a hemisphere or if his ambition begins and ends with blowing up a dam. Remember, arch-villains need you more than you need them. Be selective. Does the arch-villain have plans for domination beyond earth? This is a critical question. If the rogue is setting up moon bases, building menacing spaceships or developing intergalactic teleportation technology, cats may finally be able to search for the succulent alien fish thought to exist in the frozen Venusian ocean. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT 9:30 A.M. Get on the blower with the South American outpost and see how the construction of the satellite field in the heart of the Amazon is coming along Noon Chase slowly rolling smoke bomb around How comfortable is the arch-villain’s lap? As his official cat, you will be spending nearly all of your time there. He’ll need to keep in contact with you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no time off in the world-domination business. The last thing you want is to be stuck on a bony pelvis. Make sure to inspect the thighs of the arch-villain before signing on. If there’s a little padding on the lower half, you’ll be in good shape, but make sure it’s not too rotund. You don’t want to be the nearest thing in reach of a Jabba the Hutt-type when he starts feeling hungry. If you ultimately decide to align with an arch-villain, there are certain protocols to follow. You won’t always see eye to eye, but direct confrontation is messy and time-consuming. Also, it’s best not to rile homicidal maniacs. If you want to get your way or make a suggestion, there is an easy, peaceful method to communicate ideas: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT 12:15 P.M. Hiss at Interpol agent who threw smoke bomb as he engages in hand-to-hand combat with henchmen 3:00 P.M. Play with rope that is keeping Interpol agent tied to a chair 1 When you are in the lap of the arch-villain, he will have a natural compulsion to pet you. 2 As the arch-villain strokes your fur, begin to meditate on the given situation. Let’s say, for example, that he leads an organized-crime syndicate and some sad bloke is in the office, begging for forgiveness after once again failing to pay his weekly tribute. If the grovelling human happens to run a decent bakery or sells high-quality meats, he will probably offer food in lieu of cash. Visualize the arch-villain’s henchmen refraining from taking a cricket bat to the man’s legs. 3 Once you’ve made the decision to show mercy, a special glycoprotein with encoded instructions is released through your fur. The unique skin of arch-villains can absorb feline glycoprotein, so when their fingertips make contact with you the instructions travel through their bloodstream and into their brains. Once there, your message is received and your bidding is carried out. 4 In this case, the order to show mercy is communicated, and soon you will be snacking on doughnuts and beef. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN ARCH-VILLAIN’S CAT 6:30 P.M. Climb to top of watchtower, consider signalling to clueless guards that an SAS regiment is approaching; nap instead 8:00 P.M. Go back down to command centre to see who’s in charge now Perhaps you are asking: Why not ally with a superhero instead of an arch-villain? It really comes down to shared goals. Very rarely does one hear of a superhero who aims to control all space and time. They just don’t have the same drive and ambition as their wicked adversaries. There is, however, one caveat to consider. All arch-villains have an expiry date. Eventually the hubris from which they derive power causes their downfall. If you find yourself in a flaming underground bunker as your arch-villain and a super-spy are battling it out, don’t be afraid to switch sides. You are under no obligation to go down with the secret island base. Jump on the arch-villain’s back and start clawing like crazy while the good guy blasts him with a laser gun. Then prepare to be whisked away to safety and honoured for your heroics. This new standing will put you in a good position to become a democratically elected universal ruler – so either way, it’s win-win. Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom, Groom (#ulink_31717638-eccb-58fc-bf3b-abe1b7dba5f1) Today’s cat is busier than ever. A crush of distractions and ever-increasing responsibilities compete for our limited attention. Scan the ceiling for bugs. Check the sink for dirty dishes. Tear apart that new bouquet of flowers on the coffee table. Just thinking about it all is enough to drive you mad. Being beautifully groomed may seem like yet another chore, but a cat’s appearance can’t be put at the bottom of the list. Life should never get in the way of your beauty. Just groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom, groom right through a busy day. MID-SECTION Properly wedging in between your sleeping person’s knees sometimes takes quite a few tries. Don’t let an opportunity for a good mid-section cleaning go by as she tosses back and forth. She’s soundly half-asleep, so go ahead and slurp all you want. PAWS You’ve been scratching at the underside of the mattress for fifteen minutes straight. Take a break now and then to rid your lovely mitts of all that dust while your person pleads for you to come out of there. BEHIND THE EARS When smacking the bedroom door to gain entry, stop occasionally to hear if your person is climbing out of bed. That’s a good time to clean well behind the ears before resuming scratching at the door until it opens. UNDER THE CHIN The shower curtain requires cleaning again and your person is too busy blow-drying her hair to be bothered. Licking it spotless falls to you, and that’s a big job. Use the water that collects in the fur under your chin as a moisturizer. You’ll look so good leaving the bathroom no one will ever guess how much work you did. SHOULDERS Don’t be tempted to stand idly watching your person try to find her keys before she leaves the house. It’s an entertaining way to spend ten minutes, but not really the best use of your time. Here’s a time-saving tip: The moment she starts to wave goodbye, take a serious interest in your shoulders. After all, the show’s pretty much over and there’s no point in just standing there. FACE As you’re getting comfortable for the ride to Planet Naptune, squeeze in a quick scrub of your pretty face. You’ll be a more attractive snoozer and also discover that the dream flying saucer goes even faster with slick whiskers. BOTTOM When your person returns home you’re expected to sit down and listen to her day. It’s just as easy to feign paying attention while cleaning your bottom. The Laws of Petting (#ulink_215e33e6-cb02-58f1-b57e-de730bff9fa9) By the eighteenth century cats were safely ensconced inside homes, but they were having trouble getting any real attention. Humans were so busy running around maintaining empires, inventing steam engines and posing for ridiculously detailed oil portraits that they had little space in their schedules for cuddle sessions. On the off chance a human happened to be lying around the house, it was because he was too woozy from copious medicinal leechings to be out making history, let alone paying attention to cat antics. However, it just so happened that these blood-deprived humans also had a habit of passing out and knocking over kerosene lamps. While cats were annoyed at having to constantly lick them awake and guide them to safety through walls of flame, it was because of these heroics that humans finally stopped taking cats for granted. Even with this victory, the situation failed to substantially improve. Cats were getting attention, but it was decidedly subpar. They bristled at the occasional ham-fisted pat the man of the house dished out, or wriggled frantically against strangleholds the children inflicted. Cats everywhere grew increasingly dissatisfied with the frequency and quality of attention received, and soon fervent but anonymously penned pamphlets began to circulate. The most heralded tract was ‘A Petition for Proper Petting’. A groundswell of popular support for these notions gained steam. Our Forefather Felines knew that to make cohabitation work they must firmly establish the fundamentals governing affection, and thus a group of respected elders was convened. Known as the Angora Assembly, this distinguished delegation included cats who went on to become some of our most famous political figures, such as notorious yowler Parliamentary Puss and vain yet just House Cat of Lords. After much debate on human hand technique, an initial draft of the Laws of Petting was drawn up. However, dissenting member Pussy Willow, a foul-tempered Siamese, argued that this historic document must not merely illustrate the manner in which we shall be petted but should likewise establish a cat’s basic rights to be petted when, where and for however long she wants. After a great deal of hissing and quick smacks to one another’s heads, these leaders finally came to agreement, and so ratified the Laws of Petting. To this day these Laws protect and govern our right to be petted in such manner and at such times as we require and demand. PREAMBLE TO THE LAWS OF PETTING We pussycats hereby decree that in order to maintain tranquillity and harmony in the relations betwixt cat and human, it is resolved and ordained that cats shall be accorded these basic rights when being stroked, scratched or snuggled. Article I: When ye shall walk within reaching distance of a human, said human is commanded to pet even if she clutch a grocery bag or race to extinguish a fire in the chip pan. Should ye be occupying a stair in the middle of the staircase, ye must at minimum be accorded a quick skritch before being stepped over. Upon a head-butt or figure of eight through a human’s legs, ye shall be petted in many varieties until ye be satisfied or become distracted by a thimble or an object of similar interest. Article II: Scratches behind the ears and neck shall at all times be dictated by random turns of thy head, and the human’s hand shall migrate accordingly. Article III: If thy belly be exposed, thy belly must be rubbed, except should ye be violently averse to having thy belly rubbed and take a swipe at the human, then thy belly should most definitely be left alone. Article IV: Aye, shall ye be scratched right in that sweet spot by the tail! Article V: Shall ye rest upon a lap, ye must be provided with a bounty of strokes and scratches, which shall include, without limitation, thy ears and face, back and tail, and for a time that ye shall determine. Nay, no potboiler, nor loom, nor cross-stitch sampler shall come in the way of a cat’s rights in these regards. Article VI: Ye shall indicate petting is complete by wandering hither or jumping forth from a lap. However, shall ye take a bite of the hand, a swipe at the arm or a full-on madeyed lunge at the human’s face, this, too, shall indicate that all further petting activities must cease. Ye shall not be punished, and the human should very well know what she did wrong. The ratification of the assembly of these cats, whose exact number is not determined as they oft wandered in and out of the Hall, shall be sufficient for the establishment of these Laws between humans and cats so ratifying the same. Though no humans were invited to the Assembly, these Laws they are duly bound to uphold. Later these Laws were amended, and the subjects of these amendments highlight the impassioned debates that came with great changes in our society throughout history. 1st Amendment: Belly rubs may not be used as a sneaky ploy to clip tummy dreadlocks. 2nd Amendment: Cat brushes may hereby be used in place of hands so long as we be allowed to chase and consume the chunks of fur that may float into the air. 3rd Amendment: Grooming gloves are terrifying and are hereby prohibited. 4th Amendment: All female humans shall hereby have those amazing new scratchy things called acrylic nails applied and they shall pretend these nails are racing cars on our backs. 5th Amendment: After having finally tried one, we hereby repeal the 3rd Amendment. 6th Amendment: The rights accorded in Article V are hereby declared extended so that these, too, shall not infringe on a cat’s rights described therein: Heat magazine, microwave timer, reality-programme final, phone call from ex-boyfriend or online game of Scrabble. Secrets of Daredevil Cats (#ulink_69b41083-de7a-53c7-97a1-0b138957eb3f) Cats aren’t shy about risking life and limb in pursuit of thrills. One day it’s a blink-of-an-eye stunt, taking you from the couch to the coffee table, off a chair and onto a wheeled footrest that skids across the room. The next, it’s a headline-grabbing leap out the window of a high-rise building. Either way, you are awarded the awestruck admiration accorded all audacious cats. But have you ever asked yourself how we physically and mentally pull off such amazing feats? What is it that makes us capable of walking out on the ledge, walking off said ledge and living to revel in glory? 1 – Fear of Heights? Ha! No cat afraid of extreme heights is much of a daredevil. Humans have named our ability to stay poised at such elevations ‘High-Rise Syndrome’. We just call it ‘Walking Around’. Thinking we might hurt ourselves, humans try to protect us against our ‘overconfidence’ with respect to lofty perches. It’s always hilarious to be called ‘overconfident’ by a human. 2 – Right Every Time Why does a cat always land on its feet? One answer is rooted in physics, which requires understanding concepts of rotational motion. It’s much easier just to talk about the Righting Reflex, which is fun to say over and over. The Righting Reflex is what allows us to orient our bodies to keep from tumbling through the air while falling. It is performed by bending at the middle so that the front half of the body rotates on an axis opposite to the rear half. The front legs come around first, then the rear. Everything is as it should be as we streak towards the ground for a perfect landing. 3 – No Collarbone? No Problem Cats do have clavicles but they are non-functional, a chief reason we’re able to perform the neat trick of squeezing through impossibly tight spaces. It also isn’t a bad thing when you’re landing from a fall. Evel Knievel had two collarbones and broke them both. 4 – Cats Have a Non-Fatal Terminal Velocity A falling cat cannot exceed 60 mph. This is an important reason we’re able to survive long falls. Small size, light bone structure and a coat of fur all help keep our terminal velocity low. By comparison, a human’s terminal velocity is 130 mph. When it comes to walking away from a multistorey landing, bigger is definitely not better. 5 – Inability to Feel Regret Regret is not a feeling cats have to deal with, and that little fact frees us to do some frankly crazy things. Without having to regret a decision, we’re always able to go for it! Wake Up! (#ulink_5b382630-a7c3-5d40-a83a-845bc3fe0314) You’re winding down from a long night of diving across the hall after a coat button. Now the sun is coming up and you could do with a little snack. But that bacon-grease-filled pan you were counting on is gone from the hob. And no matter how hard you look, there aren’t any food nuggets hiding under your dish. Actually, the more you think about it, you aren’t just peckish, you are STARVING! Literally wasting away before no one’s eyes! Where is your person? How can she be contentedly bundled under a pile of blankets, drooling and snoring? Doesn’t she know you could die of hunger any second? If you could feed yourself, you would, but frankly it is impossible. Your person purchased a tin-opener designed in a discriminatory manner so as not to accommodate paws. Those new-fangled pouches she brought home are like titanium to teeth. And that fridge she hides food in is an impenetrable fortress of delicious leftover chicken fajita and cream cheese. Of course there’s dry food in the bowl, but you’re keeping that for later. That leaves only one possible option. To save your very life your person needs to get up immediately and open something! Well, something you’re actually in the mood for, perhaps involving giblets, or a seafood component. Except, you’re not really feeling like white fish this morning, unless perhaps if it is part of a seafood platter. But that’s a bridge you’ll cross when you come to it. Right now, you just need to focus on the problem at hand. While shrieking up a storm might seem to be the most straightforward attention-getter, you know that usually results in you being tossed out into the hallway with the door slammed in your face. Instead, try some of these more subtle ways to wake her up and get you fed (in escalating order): Face Touching: Ever so gently – no claws – place a paw on her cheek. Now smoosh, then release. Smoosh, then release. We recommend ten reps of three. Lick a Plastic Bag: Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. Wasn’t that annoying to read? Imagine what it sounds like if you just rolled in a few hours ago from a night out with the girls. Plastic bags strewn around the bedroom floor aren’t just fun, they can be staunch allies in your quest to get grub. If, on the other hand, your person is careful to hide her purchases and dispose of the bag evidence, a lampshade or dry-cleaning bag are acceptable substitutes. Whack Something Repeatedly: Using your paw, rapidly whack at something in the room. It’s important that the something you choose to whack, in turn smacks into something else and makes a noise – a really irritating noise that you can commit to maintaining for at least ten minutes. The blinds or a hinged cupboard door are popular options. If nothing in the room happens to fit the bill, scratching the wallpaper works just as well. Hair Chewing and Licking: Start by nibbling the ends, build up to a gnaw and finish with a series of aggressive tugs. Should your person have short hair unsuitable for chewing, treat her to a full head grooming instead. These techniques are designed to really get her attention, but they may well get you kicked off the bed. If she doesn’t get up and follow, jump back up there and move on to the next, and final, step. Hand Licking/Biting: Your sandpapery tongue will awaken her briefly, and she’ll probably be touched by your little display of affection. That’s the time to drive home the immediacy of your desperate situation with a startling nip. Be careful not to bite too hard and draw blood. You need that hand operational for food-dispensing duties. If for some reason one bite isn’t enough, be prepared for an encore or two. At this point she’ll probably realize her alarm is going to go off in thirty minutes anyway, so she might as well just get out of bed and feed you. But what if she actually does dole out plain old coley? Just walk away and take a nap on that big warm spot on the bed. Stowaway Stories (#ulink_5b47fd88-4c7c-52b1-9007-718330292cf6) Cats are born with wanderlust. We all crave the romance of the highway, spirited sailing adventures and the chance to shed all over the most opulent salons of Paris. Even the mildest among us generally enjoy rubbing on new people, staring at different cultures and refusing to eat local cuisines. But some cats don’t just dream of doing these things – they get out there and do them, by stowing away. Stowing away is the perfect choice for a cat who’s ready to see the world beyond her person’s home, without the exhausting preparation and expense that normally comes with travelling. It’s easy enough for any cat to do. Just fall asleep in something, wait for it to start moving, and you’re on your way! No reservations or ticket required. (#ulink_f1d911e5-5f15-5f67-92a7-9a164992e869) These are the real-life tales of three brave stowaways, and what happened to them out on the open road. ZIGGY Ziggy was a fluffy white cat with two different-coloured eyes, just like his namesake, Ziggy Stardust. But Ziggy wasn’t a rock star from outer space. He was a puss from Haifa, Israel, with a thirst for culinary adventure. So one day he curled up in a shipping crate, and let Fate take him where it would. Ziggy didn’t much care where he landed, as long as the living was easy and the cuisine memorable. He took a seventeen-day, 2,000-mile voyage across the sea and ended up in Whitworth, Lancashire. Lancashire’s known for lots of things. Cat food is not one of them. Ziggy refused to let this fact dampen his enthusiasm. When his crate opened, he darted out and headed straight to the local pub, where he enjoyed an excellent pint of bitter and the tastiest black pudding he ever had. It may have taken seventeen days to get there, but Ziggy thought every bite was worth it. GRACIE Looking for a nice spot to snooze, Florida tabby Gracie stumbled upon a comfy box filled with clothes. Wasn’t she in luck! As Gracie climbed in, she briefly wondered why she hadn’t noticed this choice spot before. Gracie soon fell sound asleep. That’s when the strange dreams started. A cosy box…a car ride…an airport…a noisy machine that took her picture. It was only when Gracie awoke in a cramped, dark space that she realized it wasn’t a dream at all. She had been in the airport. That cosy box she’d climbed into was her person’s suitcase, and he hadn’t noticed her when he finished packing. Instead, he’d zipped it up and checked the bag in with the airline. Now Gracie was in the cargo section of an aeroplane – and she was the only one who knew it! After a chilly trip without snacks or beverages, Gracie’s plane finally landed in Fort Worth, Texas. She took a few rough rides around the luggage carousel before the bag was picked up. Finally, she thought, this mess will be sorted out. But the mess was far from over. The suitcase was picked up – but not by Gracie’s person. A stranger mistook the bag for hers, took it home and opened it up. Gracie and the stranger were equally surprised. The stranger was not expecting to find a cat, and Gracie had never seen someone wearing a ten-gallon hat. The lady checked the baggage label and called Gracie’s person, who was equally shocked to hear that his cat was in the Longhorn state. Gracie was sent back on her way, but not before a little bit of sightseeing and a hearty taste of Texas-style chili. MIRACLE A little grey stray from Newark, New Jersey, Miracle had always wanted to go to Philadelphia. He wanted to run up and down the steps outside the museum. There was only one problem. Miracle didn’t know where Philadelphia was. So when he heard about a 4x4 that was taking something called the ‘turnpike’ in that direction, he climbed underneath to hitch a ride. Little Miracle made it some seventy miles before another driver noticed him clinging to the car and frantically waved down the driver of the 4x4. Everyone was amazed that Miracle had avoided serious injury – one bad bump could have easily killed him. When the good people got him out he was missing a claw, and his paws were a little singed – but other than those little things, he was fine. That’s why they named him Miracle. After that, a cat rescue charity put Miracle up for adoption. Within days the tough little puss had a loving home. Miracle still hasn’t made it to Philly, but we know he will some day. He’s already proved to be a real fighter. * (#ulink_a95e0f4e-9908-5435-975b-23a17ec5a8e8) Note: If you wake up and have failed to move, you may have fallen asleep in a bed. Get up and try again. Relatives and Ancestors (#ulink_9ce1e3c4-7b2a-5875-92b4-47571f451ca2) You might be surprised to learn that the domestic cat (you) is not the only kind of cat in existence. On the contrary, there are dozens of other cat species in this great world of ours, and you are related to all of them. Like relatives everywhere, they have quirks and foibles you need to be aware of, lest any decide to drop by unexpectedly. It hasn’t happened to anybody we know yet, but it’s better to be prepared. With that in mind, here is a clear, unbiased look at what we’ve heard about the other cats of the world. LEOPARDS Perhaps you’ve heard the expression ‘A leopard can’t change its spots’. It’s a stupid saying, because why would any cat want to change anything about itself? It does, however, give you the most pertinent information about leopards: They have spots, and are stubborn. Once they’ve made up their minds, they never change them. If a leopard wants to go out to grab a gazelle while he’s visiting you, don’t try telling him that there are no gazelles in your part of the world. It would be a waste of breath. Let him go. Maybe he’ll catch a deer or a cow and think it’s a gazelle, and then you’ll both be happy. This brings us to our next point, which is that leopards are good hunters. They live in Africa. CHEETAHS Cheetahs apparently also have spots, but for some reason we’ve never heard anyone make up clever adages about them. What we do know, thanks to passing by the television during a programme, is that cheetahs are very fast. Like, if Superman’s cat and a cheetah were to have a race, the cheetah would win. This speed helps them win Olympic gold medals in track events, and makes them handy for parcel delivery. They are also annoying show-offs who want to race all the time. If you humour them by participating, they will win and want to race again. And again. They just get super-excited about running. The best thing you can do is send them off to see how long it takes them to run around the block a hundred times. TIGERS Tigers like to swim. SWIM! That means they like to go IN the water and stay there for an extended period of time. Weird! You’d think, based on that, they wouldn’t be any sort of relation of yours, but one look at them pretty much confirms it. They may be huge (bigger than all your other relatives, even), but the family resemblance is there. The sharp incisors. The whiskers. The ears. The twitchy tail. But they have stripes like a zebra. Zebras like swimming. Zebras are also bigger than most cats. Therefore it is obvious that a tiger is half cat and half zebra. They’re still your relatives, though, so be respectful, which is actually easy because tigers are very polite. They won’t leave big muddy paw prints in your house, and they will usually bring a carcass they picked up on the way over. JAGUARS Jaguars are laid-back, and, with their keen sense of hearing, they make good listeners. They are also excellent at preparing meals, making them great guests. Don’t believe us? If one should stop by the house and you don’t have anything to eat, he will apologize for dropping in unexpectedly and whip up a delicious five-course meal just from stuff you had lying around. Also – this is really cool – they have the strongest jaws of all cats and can bite right through a skull. Yes, vile, but cool. They also tell some pretty funny stories about living in the jungle. Like the one about the monkey that rode the giraffe like a cowboy. We’d tell you the whole thing, but it’s better when they do it. LIONS Lions will be the first to tell you that they are Kings of the Jungle. Don’t tell them otherwise or you’ll have a roaring fit on your hands. Definitely don’t point out that they don’t live in the jungle, either. They hate that. The main thing about lions is that they are really full of themselves. Get a little meat in them and they go on and on about how important they are and how much work it is to keep order in their kingdom, and how they are so important. They don’t ask how your day was at all. Man lions have a ring of long hair around their necks called a mane. They hang out in groups called prides. They live in Africa, as well. OCELOTS Size-wise, ocelots are somewhere between us and a jaguar. Because of their in-between status, they just want to fit in, so they’ll do anything for a laugh. That’s great, for a while, but it can get pretty annoying when it’s nothing but The Ocelot Show. You usually have to do what they want to do, otherwise they won’t show up. Aside from those traits, they’re not that bad. WILDCATS Of all your relatives, the wildcat is the most likely to pay you a visit, partially since they are the most closely related, but mainly because they live on the same landmass as you. Don’t expect a lot from them. Visits can be awkward and stilted, since they are loners by nature. Usually, they’ll sit quietly and smoke. If you try to engage one in conversation, he’ll just answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ or ‘Rabbits’. The jury is still out on whether this is because they are stuck up or just shy. Just remember to keep your chin up and be nice. Maybe you can get them to open up with kindness. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/litagent-harpercolli/the-devious-book-for-cats-cats-have-nine-lives-should/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. 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