Final Score

Final Score Michelle Betham The third and final book in Michelle Betham’s seductively wicked bonkbuster.Delving into the lives of those who live and work within the so-called Beautiful Game, ‘Final Score’ is a story of sex, secrets and the true cost of fame.Footballer’s Wives meets Jackie Collins in this sizzling scorcher of a summer read! Final Score MICHELLE BETHAM A division of HarperCollinsPublishers www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) HarperImpulse an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 77–85 Fulham Palace Road Hammersmith, London W6 8JB www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) First published in Great Britain by HarperImpulse 2014 Copyright © Michelle Betham 2014 Cover images © Shutterstock.com Michelle Betham asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Ebook Edition © August 2014 ISBN: 9780007596553 Version 2014-09-18 Digital eFirst: Automatically produced by Atomik ePublisher from Easypress. To my family and friends - thank you. Contents Cover (#u6be30e18-4a6f-51b2-894c-2bc5cc289a8c) Title Page (#uee5b2b79-f734-51e8-b03e-55b31bc8f8f6) Copyright (#u803c8f1b-a57c-5fd2-ac06-974375d76788) Dedication (#u0da45df1-8952-541e-8421-db1d4cda0d4e) Chapter One (#ue2c1bafa-0872-5770-8a90-3acebb164ad0) Chapter Two (#ue373bc42-3c18-56fc-adfb-f893d6b29c05) Chapter Three (#ue2874d51-cfb6-5d2f-9fa1-54ec0eec5656) Chapter Four (#ub5d50d9a-cfe8-5cf5-bc41-f5d966f1af19) Chapter Five (#ua1861185-4506-5d3e-b958-92ff39850cf6) Chapter Six (#ubaa9c50d-ebc4-595f-99f9-a76366b5e34d) Chapter Seven (#u042cfd2d-8b51-5daf-9318-2aa186f6c3b0) Chapter Eight (#u443c6944-92f2-5c02-ba14-bd485459bcad) Chapter Nine (#u734d2e0d-2f34-511b-9cb1-9208fed83010) Chapter Ten (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Eleven (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twelve (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Fourteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Fifteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Sixteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Seventeen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Eighteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Nineteen (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-One (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Two (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Three (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Four (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Five (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Six (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Seven (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Eight (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Twenty-Nine (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-One (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-Two (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-Three (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-Four (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-Five (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter Thirty-Six (#litres_trial_promo) Michelle Betham (#litres_trial_promo) About HarperImpulse (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) Chapter One (#u8802343b-4dc9-5023-9ca3-9979f2399035) ‘You gonna let me in or what?’ Amber folded her arms and leaned back against the doorpost, her eyes fixed upon Ryan – Ryan Fisher, famous footballer, local north-east hero; a man who’d crashed into her life just a couple of years ago. Even though she’d done everything in her power, at the time, to stop that from happening. She had a slight smile on her face. She couldn’t help it. Sometimes he just had the ability to make her smile, whether she felt like it or not. ‘You don’t have to bring him something every time you call round, you know.’ She stood aside to let him through into the hall. ‘I know. But I want to. Where is my beautiful boy anyway?’ ‘He’s in the living room, and he’s asleep. Which is how I’d like him to stay for the time being. And I’m sure you’d like him to stay that way, too, seeing as you’re looking after him this afternoon.’ Ryan turned to look at her, his handsome face lit up by the widest smile, and Amber felt her heart dance around in her chest, followed by a succession of feelings she couldn’t explain, and didn’t really want. But sometimes, just the sound of his voice – that beautiful, soft Geordie accent of his – it could set off waves of confusion she didn’t always welcome. For months, she’d tried so hard to fight against everything she was feeling for this man, because she’d never really been sure how much of it was real, and how much of it had to do with the fact she’d been pregnant, and therefore probably slightly more emotionally unstable than usual. But she’d given birth three months ago. And she still couldn’t shake those feelings Ryan Fisher could stir up inside her. He’d been there for her after her split from Jim – the love of her life. Her ex-husband, Ryan’s manager at top-flight football club Newcastle Red Star. He’d helped her deal with everything that came with that, in ways that probably hadn’t been the most sensible course of action. Sex never had been the best form of therapy as far as Amber was concerned. It only led to more trouble. So why did she seem to turn to it so readily these days? But just having him around, well, she’d needed that. She’d needed to have him with her, and not just because she’d been carrying his baby. She’d needed him. Simple as that. ‘You got a bit of time to spare?’ Ryan grinned, placing the tiny t-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘I Love my Daddy’ on the table behind him. ‘Seriously?’ Amber arched an eyebrow as Ryan pulled her towards him, circling her waist with his arm. ‘Do you know how much sleep I’ve had lately? Or how much sleep I haven’t had, that should be.’ ‘Well,’ Ryan began, gently nuzzling her neck, his fingers playing with her long, dark-red hair, ‘if we moved in together then I could help you, couldn’t I? I could take some of the load off your shoulders.’ ‘Don’t start, Ryan, please. We’ve been over this.’ ‘I’m serious, Amber.’ He stroked a strand of hair from her pale-blue eyes, kissing her lightly on her slightly open mouth. ‘It seems crazy, you and the baby living here and me all on my own in that huge new house of mine. I mean, I’m over here most of the time anyway, when you’re not in London, that is, so surely it’d make more sense if we…’ Amber shook her head, but she still let him push her back against the wall. She didn’t put up much of a fight, despite the constant wave of tiredness that seemed to inhabit her body these days, as he sneakily ran a hand up her thigh before sliding it up and under her t-shirt. ‘Jesus, Ryan, do you ever stop?’ ‘I’m dying here, babe. All I can think about is fucking you, which is hardly surprising, considering we haven’t done much of that lately.’ Amber looked at him, shaking her head again. ‘I don’t believe you…’ ‘What?’ Ryan shrugged as she pushed past him and walked into the living room. ‘Come on! What have I done now?’ But she wasn’t listening any more. She was looking down at their beautiful baby boy. Rico Alejandro Fisher had been born three months ago, just two days before the start of the new football season back in August. With Ryan by her side – although, only just – and a labour so short she figured she must have done something really good in a past life to have deserved that – she’d given birth just after 11am and been home by tea-time, back to a house full of people and all the help she’d so desperately needed in those early days. Days when she’d missed her mum so much, with a pain so physical it almost wore her down. So she’d had no hesitation in giving her son a Spanish name, as a nod to her Mediterranean heritage – Rico, because she liked it, and Alejandro after her Spanish grandfather. He was the most beautiful baby, and she was all too aware that everybody said that about their own children, but he really was. She could spend hours just looking at him, and there were times when she did just that. When her busy schedule allowed. Because every second she spent with her son was precious. ‘Amber?’ She turned around, folding her arms as she looked at Ryan. ‘You think I don’t want a little bit of relief, too, huh? A little bit of time to feel sexy again because, God knows, it’s the last thing I feel these days.’ She pushed a hand through her hair as Ryan came closer, reaching out to take her hand. ‘You’re always sexy to me. Even with baby sick down the front of your t-shirt and your hair all over the place.’ She couldn’t help laughing, looking down at the floor as he gave her hand a quick squeeze before bringing it up to his lips and kissing it gently. ‘Yeah. Thanks for that.’ ‘And I still don’t understand why you haven’t taken up the option of maternity leave. Cloud Sports are quite willing to let you have the time off, aren’t they?’ ‘Yes,’ Amber sighed, letting go of Ryan’s hand, folding her arms against her once more. ‘But it’s just not for me, Ryan. And we’ve already been over this. In fact, I’ve been over this countless times – with you, my dad, Ronnie… I’m tired of explaining it. It’s just the way I am, okay? Rico isn’t suffering; he comes with me whenever he can, and between you, my dad, and my wonderful family we’re managing just fine, aren’t we?’ ‘Yeah. I suppose we are. But you’ve been working yourself into the ground for months now. I mean, come on, you were back at work two days after giving birth! Isn’t it about time you gave yourself a break?’ ‘I don’t want a break. Breaks give you far too much time to think about things.’ She walked over to the dining table at the back of the room and started folding a pile of baby clothes that was lying on it. ‘Like what?’ Ryan asked, sitting down on the arm of the chair next to Rico’s carry-cot. Amber said nothing for a few seconds. She wasn’t in the mood for some deep conversation; she was way too tired for that. ‘Nothing.’ ‘I hate it when you say that,’ Ryan sighed, throwing himself down into the chair. ‘There’s quite obviously something wrong, I can tell. You’re in one of those moods.’ ‘One of those…? Jesus, Ryan.’ ‘Okay, okay. I’m sorry.’ She couldn’t help smiling, throwing a babygro at him. He grinned, flinging his legs over the arm of the chair as he held the babygro up in the air. ‘I can’t believe how small he is.’ ‘Yeah, well, one day he’ll be as big as his daddy. I’m just hoping that doesn’t apply to his head, too.’ Ryan looked at her, still grinning. ‘You got something to say there, Ms. Sullivan?’ She just smiled at him, nudging his legs down. ‘Right, I’ve got to be somewhere.’ ‘What? Already?’ ‘Yes, Ryan. Unlike you, my working day is only just starting. You gonna be okay looking after him for the afternoon?’ ‘I’m his dad, Amber.’ She fixed him with a look. ‘Alright. I’ll be at Tynebridge if you need me.’ Ryan sat up straight. ‘You’re going to Tynebridge?’ She looked down into Rico’s carrycot, smiling at her son as his eyes flickered open. ‘Hey there, baby. You gonna be a good boy for daddy while I’m out earning us some pennies?’ ‘Amber. Why are you going to Tynebridge?’ She reached into the cot and carefully picked up Rico, cuddling him to her, kissing the top of his head as she gently ruffled his mass of dark hair. ‘Because, unless it’s slipped your notice, it’s the derby weekend. And Cloud Sports are showing the game live, as you well know. Me and Ronnie are going over there to set things up. He’s one of the pundits, and I’m presenting… Ryan, you know all of this.’ ‘Is Jim gonna be there?’ She nestled Rico in the crook of her arm as she fixed Ryan with another look. ‘I have absolutely no idea. Would it be a problem if he was?’ Ryan shrugged, his manner verging on the petulant. ‘I’ve got to be at the ground myself by six. The boss wants us ready to leave for the hotel by half past. You gonna be back by then?’ ‘I’ll let you know. If I’m not gonna make it you can just bring Rico down there. He can stay with me. Ryan, will you quit acting like a sulky teenager? Please? Me and Jim, it’s over. You know that. But I can’t avoid him forever; it’s impossible. So just grow up and deal with it. You know, sometimes it’s like having two kids…’ She kissed Rico again, reluctant to let him go. He was so warm and soft, and he smelt of baby talc, and all of a sudden Amber had an overwhelming urge to just stay there and cuddle him all afternoon. Just one mention of Jim’s name had done what it usually did – change her mood entirely. ‘Okay, poppet. Daddy’s taking charge now, so, you keep an eye on him and make sure he behaves himself.’ ‘Yeah, you’re funny,’ Ryan said, standing up and carefully taking Rico from Amber, holding him up in the air and bringing him back down for a huge kiss. ‘Hey there, little fella. We’re gonna have some fun, me and you.’ ‘Wear him out, will you?’ Amber half-smiled, grabbing her jacket from the back of the sofa. ‘It’s a busy weekend this weekend and I could do with a few more hours’ sleep. I’ll call you later, but you know where I am if you need me.’ She was about to run out of the door when Ryan stopped her. ‘Amber?’ She turned around. ‘Yeah?’ ‘Come here. Please.’ She walked back over to him, watching as he lay Rico back down in his cot. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’ He moved closer to her, resting his hand lightly against her cheek. ‘I want you, Amber. And you know that.’ ‘Ryan…’ His mouth was on hers before she had a chance to say anything else, and she gave in to his kiss, she couldn’t help it. Despite everything they’d been through in the past; despite the kind of man he’d used to be, he was giving her a sense of calm she really needed right now. She pulled him closer by his t-shirt, slipping a hand around the back of his neck, and for a few, beautiful seconds she lost herself in that kiss; lost herself in something she could have, if she wanted it. A wonderful life with a man who’d finally grown up, and he loved her. Ryan Fisher truly did love her. So she could have this, all of it. If she wanted it. He pulled away slightly, running his thumb lightly over her parted lips. ‘Things are crazy right now, Amber, I know that, but…’ She backed away, grabbing her bag and jacket as she headed for the door. ‘I’m gonna be late. Call me if you need me, okay?’ ‘Jesus… Amber!’ She turned around again, but she had no intention of going back this time. ‘I’ve really got to go.’ He looked at her, his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked onto hers. ‘Me and you… what’s really happening here?’ She stared back at him, not really knowing what to say. ‘You know what’s happening, Ryan.’ She knew as well as he did that that was no kind of answer. But it was the only one she had. * ‘Well, if it isn’t Superwoman herself.’ ‘Don’t you start,’ Amber sighed, throwing her bag down onto the couch in the Players’ Lounge before going over to quickly kiss Ronnie’s cheek. ‘Trouble in paradise?’ Ronnie grinned, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms. Amber threw him a look out of the corner of her eye but said nothing in reply. ‘Everything’s okay, though, isn’t it?’ Ronnie asked, dropping the flippancy. ‘Everything’s fine, thank you. I’m just really busy.’ ‘Yeah, I’m aware of that, Amber. I work with you.’ She sat down, pushing her hands through her long, tousled hair. ‘It’s been good, you know? Having him around. And since we found out I was having Rico he’s changed, he really has.’ ‘I take it we’re talking about Ryan?’ She nodded, fiddling with the bracelet hanging on her left wrist. ‘Am I waiting for a “but” here?’ Ronnie asked, narrowing his eyes slightly. Amber sat back, letting out a small sigh. ‘No. Things just feel a bit weird, that’s all.’ ‘Weird?’ Ronnie frowned. ‘I’m still getting used to being a mum, Ronnie. Something I never thought I’d be. I’m a mum. And every day I worry about whether I’m doing it right and if Rico’s okay and… it’s hard, sometimes. Especially when Ryan’s going on at me constantly.’ ‘About what?’ ‘Sex.’ ‘Okay.’ She looked up at him. ‘It’s not that I don’t want it, Ronnie… Are you uncomfortable talking about this?’ He shook his head. ‘Too tired, huh?’ ‘You could say that.’ ‘You sure that’s not just an excuse?’ It was her turn to narrow her eyes as she looked at her best friend. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Ronnie looked down at the ground, his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t know, Amber. It’s just that, sometimes, I wonder whether you going back to Ryan… I wonder whether it was the right thing to do.’ ‘He’s Rico’s dad, Ronnie.’ ‘That doesn’t mean you actually have to be with him. Not if you don’t want to be.’ ‘Who said I don’t want to be with him?’ ‘Well, that’s the impression you’re giving off here, kiddo.’ ‘Is it?’ ‘Yeah.’ Amber sat forward, pushing her hands through her hair again. ‘I never said we were love’s young dream or anything.’ ‘No. I know you didn’t.’ ‘But, I needed him, you know? I was pregnant, going through a divorce,’ She trailed off, absent-mindedly looking at her naked left hand. She still couldn’t get used to not wearing her rings. Even though they’d only really been there for the shortest of times. ‘And now Rico’s here?’ ‘Hmm? Sorry?’ She looked back at Ronnie. ‘Now that Rico’s here, do you still need him? Ryan, I mean.’ ‘Of course I do.’ ‘You paused for a second there.’ ‘I didn’t.’ ‘You did.’ ‘Jesus. I’d forgotten how irritating you could be.’ ‘He’s here, you know.’ She sighed again, throwing herself back against the couch. ‘Who?’ As if she didn’t know. ‘Manager of the Month, two months running.’ She eyed Ronnie with a look of something verging on suspicion. ‘Shouldn’t we be doing something other than sitting here?’ ‘Probably. But I quite like watching you squirm.’ ‘You’re such a bastard.’ He smiled, walking over to her and holding out his hand, pulling her up off the couch. ‘You need to sort out what you really want, Amber.’ ‘I just want to get on with my life, Ronnie. As simple as that.’ ‘There’s nothing simple when it comes to you getting on with your life, kiddo.’ ‘Yeah. Thanks for reminding me. What about you, anyway? Any sign of a new romance on the cards?’ ‘You’ve got to be kidding me! No time for any of that.’ She couldn’t help smiling as she looked at him, cocking her head slightly. ‘Surely you’ve got women falling at your feet, Ronnie White. Good-looking bloke like you. You’ve still got it, even at your age.’ ‘Yeah, okay, enough with the smart remarks. Come on. We’ve got work to do.’ Work. The only thing that was keeping Amber’s mind off the one thing she couldn’t stop thinking about. * Jim Allen sat back in his chair, his eyes scanning the computer screen, but he was taking nothing in. His mind was on way too many other things, and for a man who was usually so focused and in control it was a feeling that didn’t sit well with him. But these past few months had been nothing short of crazy. Unpredictable. Painful. A knock on his office door broke into his thoughts and he looked up from his laptop. ‘Come in.’ ‘Hey, Dad!’ Jim smiled at the sight of his son. Brandon Palmer. Twenty-one years old, tall and handsome, and a player with the region’s rival top-flight team, Wearside Spartans. ‘Hey back. What you doing here? Spartans sent you over enemy lines to spy on what we’re up to before the big game?’ ‘Well, if I’d wanted to do that I could have sneaked over to the training ground this morning, couldn’t I? No, I just came over to see how you’re doing.’ Jim eyed Brandon warily, smiling slightly as his son perched himself on the edge of his desk. ‘I’m doing just fine. Why wouldn’t I be?’ Brandon shrugged. ‘Dunno. You just seem to have been throwing yourself into your work a lot lately, that’s all.’ ‘I’m the manager of a top-flight football club, Brandon. It isn’t exactly a nine-to-five kinda thing.’ ‘You don’t take any time off.’ ‘I don’t want to take any time off. Manager of the Month awards aren’t given out to just anybody, you know. You’ve got to put the work in.’ ‘Is that all that matters to you?’ Jim narrowed his eyes as he looked at his son. ‘Have you come here for any particular reason, Brandon? Apart from to give me a headache I don’t need.’ ‘I worry about you.’ ‘Why?’ ‘I mean, Ellen and me, we asked you over for dinner the other night and you refused to come. You won’t even take a night off to spend a bit of quality time with your own son.’ ‘I’m fine, okay? I’ve just got a lot on.’ ‘Yeah. You seem to have had a lot on for a while now.’ Jim fixed Brandon with a hard stare, which Brandon returned. ‘Ever since Amber became pregnant. Ever since she took up with Ryan Fisher. Again.’ ‘She hasn’t “taken up” with Ryan Fisher, as you put it.’ Jim got up and walked over to the sideboard, pouring himself a small measure of whiskey. ‘So, you’re not bothered, then?’ ‘About what?’ ‘About Amber and Ryan.’ ‘There is no Amber and Ryan.’ ‘Oh, really?’ Jim turned around, leaning back against the sideboard, his eyes once more locking with Brandon’s. ‘Really.’ Brandon gave another shrug, sliding down from the desk and heading back towards the door, his hands in his pockets. ‘Okay. Whatever. Anyway, I just thought I’d drop by and say hi, see how you were. But you still look like the same old Jim Allen to me.’ Jim said nothing to that, he just took a sip of his drink and remained silent. ‘Look, Dad…’ Brandon turned around and faced his father. ‘Have you thought about getting out more? Maybe meeting someone else, you know, to take your mind off…’ ‘I’ll see you later, Brandon.’ Brandon held up his hands as he turned to go. ‘I’m outta here.’ Jim waited until he’d closed the door behind him before he took the letter from his inside jacket pocket, opening it up and reading it through. One more piece of proof. Another piece of a jigsaw he’d been trying to put together. But he had all he needed now. The ball was very much in his court. And it was up to him whether he chose to hit out or not. Chapter Two (#u8802343b-4dc9-5023-9ca3-9979f2399035) ‘She’s left you in charge?’ Max asked, looking at Ryan with an element of surprise as he stood there in the doorway with Rico in one arm and a towel slung over his shoulder. ‘Y’know, anyone would think I was incapable of looking after my own child. And I thought you were in London. What you doing up here?’ ‘It’s derby weekend.’ ‘I’m really glad people keep reminding me of that because I’d almost forgotten.’ ‘Fatherhood hasn’t dulled your wit, then. You going to let me in? It’s freezing out here.’ Ryan stood aside to let Max through, kicking the door shut behind him. ‘You need to see me about something?’ Ryan asked, following him into the kitchen. Max leaned back against the counter, digging his hands deep into the pockets of his expensive dark-grey suit. As one of football’s most respected, not to mention most famous agents, he had a reputation to keep up, and, as far as Max Mandell was concerned, image was everything. ‘Not really. I just thought I’d come up north and visit some of my favourite clients.’ Ryan looked at him out the corner of his eye as he rocked Rico gently in his arms. ‘And that’s it?’ ‘That’s it. You have a really suspicious mind at times, Ryan Fisher. Anyway, let me have a look at my little future client here.’ He walked over to Ryan, smiling down at Rico, whose eyes had begun to slowly close. ‘Let’s hope he’s inherited some of his father’s talent, huh? The on-the-pitch stuff, that is.’ Ryan held his son close, lowering his head to gently kiss his cheek. ‘You know, I really think he’s changed you,’ Max said, switching the kettle on. ‘It’s hard not to let something like this change you.’ Ryan smiled, stroking Rico’s hair as he slept in his arms. ‘I don’t want to let him down. Or Amber. I’ve let her down enough.’ ‘So, how are things between you and my prettiest client?’ Ryan’s eyes stayed focused on his baby boy. ‘I wish I knew.’ ‘Oh, Jesus, we’re not heading towards another relationship meltdown, are we?’ Max sighed, rolling his eyes. Ryan looked up. ‘I’m not twelve.’ ‘Yeah, okay. I guess I should give you the benefit of the doubt. It certainly seems as though the little fella over there has given you a good kick up the backside.’ Ryan looked back down at his sleeping son’s face. ‘He’s everything I needed, Max. He’s my reason for getting up in the morning. My reason for doing everything now.’ ‘Christ, am I talking to the real Ryan Fisher here? Or has he been cloned and replaced with a grown-up version?’ Ryan couldn’t help smiling as he looked up at his agent. ‘The world is full of frigging comedians today. Is it so hard to believe that I might really have changed this time?’ ‘Well,’ Max sighed, turning around to make himself a cup of tea. ‘It’s about time, that’s all I can say. And you certainly look as though you’ve settled into fatherhood.’ ‘Things would be a hell of a lot better if Amber just realised how much more sensible it would be if we actually lived under the same roof.’ ‘She not keen, then?’ ‘She doesn’t even want to talk about it.’ ‘But you really want to move things forward, I take it?’ ‘Of course I do.’ ‘You got any idea why Amber’s reluctant to make things more permanent?’ Ryan just threw Max a look, sending out a message Max received loud and clear. A look that said of course he knew why she was reluctant to make things more permanent. Jim Allen. What other reason was there? ‘Well, I’m not sure what I can do about that one, kiddo. Short of some miracle, you’re just going to have to learn to deal with it.’ Ryan continued to gently rock Rico. ‘I really thought this little guy would change things between me and Amber. I thought he’d bring us closer, make her need me more. Guess that just shows how na?ve I still am.’ ‘You don’t know she’s still hankering after Jim. You’re only assuming.’ Ryan’s eyes met Max’s. ‘She doesn’t want to have sex, she barely even comes near me now. What does that tell you, huh?’ ‘She’s just had a baby, Ryan.’ ‘Three months ago.’ ‘Oh, so you think, what? A couple of weeks and she should have been dragging you back off to bed?’ ‘I didn’t say that.’ ‘You’re being paranoid.’ Ryan ignored that comment. ‘And couldn’t you try and get her to take more time off work?’ ‘Have you tried getting Amber Sullivan to do anything she doesn’t want to?’ ‘Frequently,’ Ryan sighed, absent-mindedly stroking Rico’s dark hair as he slept. ‘I just wish she’d take a step back sometimes. Look at the bigger picture.’ ‘And what bigger picture would that be?’ Max asked, sipping his tea. Ryan threw his head back, letting out another long sigh. ‘Jesus, I don’t know, do I?’ ‘You might want to start getting your head straight, kiddo. Big match tomorrow, and Wearside Spartans are no pushover. They’ve had a cracking start to this season, and Brandon Palmer is proving to be a force to be reckoned with. Just like his father used to be in his playing days. That kid’s certainly inherited some of the Allen genes.’ Ryan threw Max another look. ‘Deal with it, Ryan.’ Max placed his half-drunk mug of tea down onto the counter. ‘I’m off to Tynebridge. Want me to pass a message on to Amber?’ Ryan shook his head. ‘Would there be any point?’ * Amber walked briskly down the tunnel and up the stairs that led back into the ground itself. Her head was down as she reached the top, checking her emails on her phone, so she didn’t see him coming towards her. He was equally as engrossed in something on his own phone, his head also down, so the resulting, inevitable clash couldn’t really have been avoided. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I…’ She stepped back slightly as her eyes met his, her heart immediately jarring, causing her to take a deep breath. ‘I wasn’t looking where I was going.’ ‘No, well, neither was I.’ He smiled, just a small smile, but it reminded Amber of how devastating his smile could be – to her. How it always had been. How it probably always would be. ‘Are you okay? I mean, in general. I haven’t really spoken to you, properly, in a while, so… how are things, with the baby and… is Rico… is he alright?’ ‘Rico’s doing just fine, thank you.’ She couldn’t help smiling herself, but this time it was because of the mention of her son’s name. Her perfect boy. ‘He… he’s beautiful. And, yeah, I know every mother probably says that about their baby, but…’ ‘If he takes after you then I can only imagine how beautiful he really is.’ Jim’s eyes were still boring into hers, but then, almost as if someone had flicked a switch, he broke the stare and looked back down at his phone. ‘I’d better be going. Got a lot to catch up with before we leave for the hotel tonight. Good to see you, Amber.’ She stood rooted to the spot, watching him as he walked away, back towards his office, her stomach turning involuntary somersaults. Even after everything that had happened. ‘Shit!’ she muttered under her breath, finding Ryan’s number and pressing dial. ‘Hey, beautiful. What’s up?’ ‘I’m gonna be tied up here for a bit longer. Can you bring Rico with you when you come down to the stadium?’ ‘Yeah, okay. I’ll get him ready and we’ll be with you in about half an hour. Everything alright?’ ‘Yeah. Fine. Just a little behind with a few things, that’s all. I’ll see you soon.’ She hung up before he could start anything resembling a conversation. She wasn’t really in the mood, not now. ‘You okay?’ ‘I’m fine, Ronnie.’ Amber slid her phone back into her jeans pocket. ‘Where did you spring from, anyway? I thought you were up in the studio.’ ‘I was. But they’ve sorted out that lighting problem now. You ready to get out of here?’ Amber fell into step beside him as they made their way through the ground and back up to the studio that had been set up for the live broadcast of tomorrow’s match. ‘Almost. I just want to check over a few things before I go.’ ‘What things?’ Ronnie asked, frowning slightly. ‘You’re all but done; you should be heading home now.’ ‘Ryan’s bringing Rico with him. He’s got to come here to join the rest of the team before they head off for the hotel, so…’ ‘What’s going on, Amber?’ Ronnie stopped walking and leaned back against the wall, folding his arms, his eyes meeting hers, even though she was trying anything she could to avoid looking directly at him. ‘Nothing’s going on.’ ‘Cut the crap and talk to me. Come on, I’m your best friend and I know when you’ve got something on your mind. Or should that be someone? Actually, come to think of it, maybe it should be Ryan you’re talking to. I’m no fan of his, as you well know, but that doesn’t mean I agree with you stringing the guy along.’ ‘No one’s stringing anyone along.’ Ronnie just arched an eyebrow. ‘Jesus Christ…’ Amber sighed, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know.’ She leaned back against the wall beside Ronnie. ‘I can’t stop thinking about him.’ ‘Then you need to do something about that.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘How the hell should I know?’ Amber turned her head to look at Ronnie. ‘This is ridiculous. I’m a frigging mess.’ ‘Your life is a mess.’ ‘Thanks for that.’ ‘Do you want me to lie to you?’ ‘No.’ ‘Then deal with the truth.’ ‘I love you, too.’ He looked at her. ‘I’m not doing this to be cruel, Amber. But you really need to get this sorted. You’ve got a child now. You’ve got someone other than yourself to think about.’ ‘I’m aware of that.’ Her eyes locked with his. ‘I thought I loved him, Ronnie. I really thought I did. Or that I could, again. I thought it would all come back, all those feelings, and I thought I’d just fall in love with him all over again.’ ‘I don’t think you’ve ever loved Ryan Fisher. Not really.’ ‘Hang on. You don’t know…’ ‘Amber, I do. I do know. And I don’t think you ever really loved him.’ Amber looked down at the floor, scraping her heel against the skirting board. ‘He’s never going to go away, is he? Jim. He’s never going to go away.’ ‘Not if you don’t want him to.’ She looked back up at Ronnie. ‘He doesn’t want me any more.’ ‘And he’s told you that, has he?’ ‘He divorced me, Ronnie. What more proof do I need?’ ‘That means nothing where you two are concerned.’ ‘He doesn’t want me any more,’ Amber repeated, staring back down at the floor. ‘The way he’s acting. I saw him just now and… He doesn’t want me, Ronnie. It’s over.’ She threw her head back and let out a heavy sigh, one that wracked her entire body. ‘Okay.’ She took a long, deep breath, shaking her hair out before pushing both hands through it. ‘It’s time to grow up and do the only thing I can do right now.’ Ronnie frowned slightly. ‘And what’s that, exactly?’ Her eyes met his again, and this time there was a look of determination that he hadn’t seen from her in a while. ‘I’m moving to London.’ Chapter Three (#u8802343b-4dc9-5023-9ca3-9979f2399035) ‘London.’ Ryan looked at her as though she’d suddenly started talking in a foreign language. ‘You’re moving to London? And you’re telling me this now? An hour before frigging kick-off?’ ‘I don’t want to move to London…’ ‘Then why the hell are you going? Jesus, Amber…’ ‘Because I have to, Ryan. I have to.’ He stared at her, his dark eyes boring deep into hers. ‘You have to.’ ‘I have to,’ she repeated, her voice quiet but steady. Surprisingly so. ‘I can’t stay here, Ryan. I can’t do it any more.’ Ryan took a couple of steps back, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘I fucking hate it when I’m right.’ Amber frowned, folding her arms against herself. ‘Sorry?’ His eyes were back on hers, wide and full of something Amber couldn’t quite read. ‘You and Jim. It isn’t ever gonna be over, is it?’ What could she say to that? ‘He doesn’t want me, Ryan.’ Ryan laughed, turning away from her for a brief second or two. ‘Jesus… you really believe that, do you? You really believe he doesn’t want you?’ He turned back to face her. ‘I want you, Amber. Me. I love you, do you know that? Do you know just how much I love you?’ ‘Ryan…’ ‘But it isn’t ever gonna be enough. Not while he’s still around. Nobody else stands a fucking chance.’ ‘It doesn’t have to be this way, Ryan.’ ‘Oh, really? It doesn’t, huh? You’ve just told me you’re taking my son to the other end of the country, Amber. He’s three months old and you’re taking him away from me.’ ‘I’m not taking him away from you…’ ‘Yes. You are. If you’re living down there I can’t see him every day. I can’t just pop round and hold him, or rock him to sleep or feed him. I can’t do that if you’re hundreds of miles away.’ ‘And you know as well as I do, Ryan, that I will be up here almost as much as I am now.’ ‘And that’s good for Rico, is it? Being dragged up and down the country just because you can’t get your fucking head straight.’ ‘I’m not listening to this…’ He reached out and grabbed her arm, swinging her around to face him. ‘You won’t even give us a chance, Amber.’ His voice was softer now, almost pleading in tone. ‘If you really believe he doesn’t want you then why don’t you just move on and give us a chance?’ She looked at him, her eyes staring deep into his even though meeting his gaze was the last thing she really wanted to do. ‘We have a baby together, Amber. A baby. Our son. How incredible is that, huh?’ ‘And what if that isn’t enough, Ryan?’ She wasn’t entirely sure she’d meant to say those words out loud, but they were out there now. She’d said them. She couldn’t take them back. Ryan laughed, one of those laughs that carried no humour. No real feeling. ‘I can’t believe you’re laying this on me right before one of the biggest matches of the season.’ He let go of her arm, turning away from her for a second. ‘Jesus, Amber, your timing really sucks, sweetheart.’ ‘I couldn’t agree more.’ Amber swung around, her heart shuddering to some kind of brief standstill in her chest as she saw Jim standing there, tall and handsome in a dark suit and white shirt, his face impassive as he stared at her. ‘You should know better than to distract my players so close to kick-off, Amber.’ He focused his attention on Ryan, who’d turned back around now, his eyes down on the ground. ‘Back to the dressing room, Ryan, come on. Get your head back in the game and keep your private life off the pitch. You got that?’ Ryan nodded, throwing Amber a brief look before walking away. Amber leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes for a second or two as she willed her heart to slow down, to stop beating so wildly because it hurt. Everything that was happening now – Jim being so close to her, what she was doing to Ryan; her ridiculously messed-up feelings. It all hurt. ‘We need to talk.’ She slowly opened her eyes, daring to meet his, this man who would never go away. She’d thought he had, once upon a time. She thought she’d safely put him and everything they’d shared to one side, learnt to live with the past and move on. But she hadn’t done any of that. She’d never put him to one side or learnt to live without him. She’d only kidded herself that she had. ‘Do we?’ She swallowed hard, her eyes still on his. They were locked there, refusing to leave, and it was doing nothing for that irrational heartbeat of hers. ‘Now? I mean, I’m supposed to be…’ ‘We need to talk,’ he repeated. ‘So, yes. Now.’ She blinked a couple of times, trying to work out whether she was actually in the middle of some kind of weird dream that had made her mess this day up so spectacularly. What the hell had she been thinking? Telling Ryan she was moving away from the north-east on the day of the derby! One of the biggest, most important matches of the entire season, and she’d just distracted Red Star’s striker in the worst possible way. What was wrong with her? She would never have acted this way a couple of years ago, when her life was well-ordered and safe. When Jim had still been nothing but a distant memory and Ryan was just one of those names she talked about at work. She watched as Jim walked away, in the direction of his office down the corridor, but it was as though her feet were glued to the spot. She couldn’t move, couldn’t follow him. He turned around, digging his hands in his pockets. ‘Amber?’ She bit down on her lip, confusion washing over her. What was going on here? With her feet finally allowing her to move, she followed him to his office, walking inside as he closed the door behind them – a door that still had no lock on it. A door that, on a day such as this, could have more traffic coming through it than the busiest of motorways. So why didn’t she care when he reached out and took her hand, swinging her around and pushing her back against that door, his mouth hitting hers with a kiss so hard it literally took her breath away. Because she just hadn’t been expecting that. She hadn’t… had she? It was crazy, the sudden rush of intense and painful feelings that engulfed her as she shrugged off her shirt, pulling at his jacket, almost ripping it away from him as fingers pulled at clothes and the inevitability of what was happening here became nothing but an action neither of them was willing to stop. Even though Amber didn’t understand it, or know what the implications of this would be. She just wanted him, pure and simple. She needed him. She always had, and she always would. No matter what. She closed her eyes as he yanked down her jeans, and she stepped out of them, kicking them away, keeping her eyes closed as he did the same with her knickers, almost tearing them away from her body with an indecent haste, but she didn’t care. To be naked in his arms again was the only thing she’d wanted for so long, even if she hadn’t been grown-up enough to admit that. She heard him unzip his pants before his hands slipped underneath her bottom, lifting her up, and she finally opened her eyes as he backed her up against the door, pushing into her so hard it took all the strength she had not to cry out loud. Her legs were wrapped around his hips, her fingers buried in his hair as he thrust into her with an almost violent force that was both painful and beautiful, every inch of her body tingling as the pressure built, getting ready to explode, and she clung on tighter, waiting for him to give her everything she’d needed, everything she’d craved from this man since she’d been sixteen years old. And when he came, just minutes after he’d pushed inside her, she couldn’t help but cry out his name, quickly burying her face in his hair to stifle the volume. And he held her as she shuddered in his arms, as those tingles and those shivers took over, making her feel more alive than she’d felt in months. He held her until it was over. And she didn’t want him to let her go. He slowly put her down, his eyes scanning her nakedness as he did so, lingering on her breasts, his fingers lightly touching them, and she took a sharp intake of breath as his thumb scraped over her nipple. ‘Jim, I…’ He shook his head, tilting her chin up so her eyes met his. ‘You can’t come in here and distract my players, not on a day like today.’ She reached out and touched his face, letting her fingers trail lazily over his rough, stubbled chin. ‘What is this, Jim?’ He said nothing, he just continued to stare into her eyes as he slid a hand around the back of her neck, sliding his fingers into her hair, pulling her head back slightly before kissing her slowly. And every movement of his lips against hers made Amber feel more and more confused. The taste of him, the feel of him, it was all so familiar, something she craved like a drug she just couldn’t kick. But it was confusing. ‘I need to go,’ she whispered, running her thumb over his slightly open mouth. ‘I shouldn’t be here.’ He took a step back, tucking his shirt back into his pants as Amber quickly got dressed, her head spinning with a million and one things she didn’t really want to think about. ‘How did everything get so screwed up, Jim?’ He looked up, digging his hands back into his pockets as his eyes met hers. ‘That’s what we do, Amber. Me and you. We screw things up.’ She shook her head. ‘No. No, Jim, we don’t.’ ‘We do. We’re no good together, baby. It just doesn’t work.’ ‘Then what the hell was this?’ ‘I look at you and I still want you, Amber. I always have, that’s just the way it is. I look at you and I fall in love all over again and I need you so much it hurts, so badly I can feel it, like the most cruel, physical pain imaginable. But we… we can’t do this.’ She stared at him, her stomach sinking so deep she almost felt sick. ‘This is why I can’t deal with you,’ she whispered, her voice quiet but surprisingly steady. ‘You come into my life, every time, and you do this. You fuck me up and I hate you for it, Jim. Because I just can’t deal with you; what you do to me, how you make me feel. I can’t deal with it.’ ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I love you. I never stopped loving you, I never did that, and I need you to know that and I need you to believe it. I never stopped loving you.’ ‘I know.’ ‘Then don’t do this. Don’t mess with my head, don’t fuck up my life all over again. Don’t make me want you and then walk away. Because I don’t think I can take that again. Not any more.’ ‘I’m confused, Amber.’ ‘And you think my head is straight? Huh? You think I’m dealing with all of this okay?’ ‘You’re a mum now, Amber.’ ‘And that means, what? That I can’t feel the things I used to feel? That I just instantly stop loving you; is that what you’re saying? Because, if anything, Jim, having Rico has only made me see more clearly what I really want.’ Her eyes locked with his again, nobody saying anything as they stared at each other. ‘I need you to go, Amber.’ It was a few seconds before she could tear her gaze away from his, but when it finally happened it was as if a curtain had come down on everything, cutting her off from this man in front of her. Closing down those feelings, blocking them out. Or trying to. Walking calmly out of his office she closed the door behind her and leaned back against it, breathing in deeply as she tried to regain the composure she’d just lost in there. ‘Come on, Amber, you can do this,’ she whispered, inwardly berating herself for letting Jim get so close to her – too close – all over again. For repeating that age-old mistake, that continuous, heartbreaking mistake she’d been making for over two decades now. Breathing out, she pushed her hair back off her face and strode down the corridor, knowing she had only seconds to pull herself together. She was at work, she was a professional – she was trying to be, anyway. ‘What’s up with you?’ Ronnie asked, joining Amber as she hovered around the entrance to the tunnel that led out onto the pitch. ‘Nothing’s up with me.’ ‘Liar.’ Amber said nothing. She continued to stare out at the rapidly filling stadium as people made their way to their seats, the noise of an overexcited derby-day crowd echoing around the ground. ‘What have you done to piss Ryan off?’ Amber swung around to look at Ronnie. ‘Sorry?’ ‘You’ve told him about London, then?’ ‘Jesus Christ…’ ‘Today, Amber? You told him today?’ ‘Alright, I know. I know, okay? I know my timing was crap.’ ‘Understatement. Although, come to think of it, if he’s pissed off enough he might have that fire underneath him that all players should have on a derby day.’ Amber just shook her head and turned to walk back up the tunnel. ‘I’d better get up to the studio. We’re on air in a few minutes.’ ‘Yeah, I know the running schedule, thank you.’ Ronnie gently grabbed her wrist, stopping her from running ahead of him. ‘I thought Amber Sullivan was coming back.’ Amber looked at her best friend, taking in another deep, deep breath. ‘She’s trying, Ronnie. It just isn’t that fucking easy.’ His hand slipped into hers, squeezing it tightly while his smile calmed her slightly. She really had no idea what she would do without this man. He wasn’t just her best friend, he was her rock. That one person she could rely on when everything else was turning to crap. He was the one person she couldn’t afford to lose. ‘Maybe telling him – telling Ryan – maybe today wasn’t the best day to tell him I’m leaving. It wasn’t my finest moment, but… I need to do it, Ronnie. I need to move away, to get some space, because I’m going crazy here. I’m going fucking crazy.’ He leaned over to whisper in her ear, letting his lips brush gently and discreetly over her cheek as he edged closer to her. ‘I know, sweetheart. I know. Come on. Let’s get this over with, then we can get out of here.’ * Ellen watched from one of the hospitality boxes as Brandon Palmer ran rings around the Newcastle Red Star defence, leaving Gary Blandford for lost and the goalkeeper no chance at all of saving a goal that thundered past him, rocketing into the back of the net, sending the Wearside Spartans fans wild. On derby days it wasn’t just points that were being played for – pride came into it, too. But with both teams so close together in the league, both of them fighting for a top-five position and one of those coveted European cup places, points were all of a sudden becoming more important to play for, which was why both teams were playing like their lives depended on it. Ellen smiled to herself, letting her mind wander back to yesterday afternoon, when she’d successfully persuaded Brandon that sex the day before a big match could only be a good thing. All that rubbish about it draining players of all their energy; she’d just proved how wrong that theory was, because her boyfriend was on fire. And anyway, when she’d been with Ryan they’d never given that old theory much thought. But then, Ryan never had been one to play by the rules. Thinking about Ryan was something Ellen never had been able to help. Ryan Fisher wasn’t a man you let into your life and then let go of easily. He made sure of that. But his one downfall, the one thing that made him such a frustrating man to be in love with was his obsession with Amber Sullivan. She was his Achilles heel; the one thing that stopped him from moving on. She was the one thing that had made sure Ellen’s relationship with Ryan had never stood a chance. And even though it was quite obvious to anyone but Ryan that she was still very much in love with his boss, still he couldn’t seem to let her go. But Ellen didn’t give up easily. She might be living with one of football’s newest and most talented stars, but he wasn’t Ryan Fisher. Brandon Palmer might be handsome and rich; he might be the son of one of football’s most respected and successful players and managers, and he might be quite a few women’s walking fantasy, and she loved him, she did. He was a good man, a kind man, and he cared about her. He just wasn’t Ryan. And Ellen wanted Ryan. She wanted him back, and when Ellen wanted something, she usually got it. In the end. Even if it meant undergoing one hell of a fight to get there. * Jim stood at the edge of the technical area, his hands deep in his pockets, his eyes covered by the aviator shades he always liked to wear as he watched the final few seconds of a tough match play out. The game was deadlocked at two goals apiece, which, under normal circumstances would be a welcome result for a derby game. But this one was different. This one needed to be won to make sure Newcastle Red Star climbed above Wearside Spartans in the league table, because ever since Brandon Palmer had joined Spartans he’d made sure they were no longer the region’s poor relation as far as football teams were concerned. How ironic that Jim’s own son should be the one to make sure Newcastle Red Star had stiff competition so close to home. Keeping his composure, which was something Jim Allen was famous for, he shouted over to Ryan, issuing instructions for one final push forward. Ryan immediately retrieved the ball from a Spartans player and ran with it, at a blistering speed, and with a determination Jim was glad hadn’t been overshadowed by his earlier distraction. Overcoming an attempted tackle from a Spartans defender on the edge of the penalty box, Ryan carried on towards the goal, the ball remaining at his feet as though it were glued there, and even Jim couldn’t help but be in awe of the talent Ryan possessed. When he was on his A-game, he was one of the greatest players of his generation; Jim couldn’t deny that. Stepping back towards the dugout, Jim watched as Ryan cannoned what was probably the final kick of the match past the Wearside Spartans’ goalkeeper and into the back of the net. The ecstatic Red Star fans filled the stadium with a roar so loud it was deafening. And when the final whistle, just seconds later, sealed that late winner for Newcastle Red Star, that roar grew louder as both the points, and the pride, went to the team that played north of the Tyne. After quickly shaking the hand of Billy Bishop, Wearside Spartans’ manager, Jim quickly headed off into the tunnel, almost running back up the stairs, making his escape into his office. He had just minutes before he had to be back out there, giving post-match interviews and press conferences, but he needed this few seconds alone, to think about everything. To think about his next move; to make sure he knew what he was doing. What had happened with Amber had thrown him slightly. It hadn’t been planned; he’d never intended to have sex with her or embark on any kind of conversation with a woman he loved beyond anything. He just couldn’t be with her. He couldn’t. Even though that was all he wanted. He wanted to be with her so much he felt that pain cut right across his chest again as he remembered how she felt, how she tasted. How he fitted her so perfectly it was almost as if they’d been created purely to be together. Pouring himself a small shot of whiskey he knocked it back in one mouthful before throwing his head back and letting out a heavy, laboured sigh. His heart felt as though it was breaking, but that was a feeling he was used to now. Ever since he’d allowed himself to love her, he’d felt this pain, an intense, burning pain. And he’d thought he could handle it because he was Jim Allen. He could handle anything. Except this. This was killing him, and he couldn’t let that happen again. He couldn’t let it almost ruin him, like it had once tried to do before. Resisting the urge to take another shot of whiskey, he put the glass down and looked in the mirror on the wall above the sideboard. Pushing a hand through his hair, he stared at his reflection, blinking slowly as he noticed eyes that were tired, a face that was still impassive but a little more worn than he felt comfortable with. He had to get himself back on track. What had happened this afternoon with Amber had been a lapse he couldn’t allow to be repeated. He couldn’t let this distract him from what really mattered – his career; making sure this club was more successful than it had ever been. He had his sights set high, and he couldn’t let anything detract from that. Inhaling deeply he turned around and headed for the door, hesitating slightly as his hand reached out to open it. He could do this. Love not only broke your heart, it made you weak. And if there was one thing Jim Allen wasn’t, it was weak. Chapter Four (#u8802343b-4dc9-5023-9ca3-9979f2399035) ‘Are you serious?’ Debbie asked, sipping demurely on a large gin and tonic as the post-match Players’ Lounge began filling up with girlfriends, wives, friends and family. Amber leaned back against the wall, staring out ahead of her, smiling at people who waved hellos or smiled in her direction. ‘I don’t know, Debbie. I just know that I can’t stay here.’ ‘And I thought things were okay with you and Ryan.’ ‘They are… they were.’ She looked at her friend. Debbie Hogan – glamour model, gossip columnist, and wife of Ryan’s best friend, Newcastle Red Star defender Gary Blandford. ‘Things were fine. But fine isn’t enough, Debs. Fine isn’t how I want to live my life.’ ‘And running away from things is?’ ‘Oh, don’t you start. Just – don’t. Okay? I’ve had enough from him.’ She jerked her head towards Ronnie, who was standing over by the bar talking to one of his fellow pundits. ‘You don’t even like working in London, never mind living there.’ Amber threw her head back, sighing heavily, and probably rather more loudly than she’d intended. But sometimes frustration got the better of her. ‘It’s hardly like I’m upping sticks and emigrating, is it? I have a house down there anyway, and like I told Ryan, I’ll probably be up here just as much as I usually am. I’m just… I’m just swapping bases for a while, that’s all.’ Debbie took another sip of gin and tonic. ‘Sounds like a pointless waste of time, then, if you ask me.’ ‘I’m not. You brought up the subject.’ ‘Because I don’t understand, Amber. If things aren’t working out with Ryan, why not just tell him?’ ‘I have just told him,’ Amber sighed, sliding her hands into the pockets of her jeans. ‘So what’s the prob… oh, hang on.’ Amber turned her head to look at Debbie, but she didn’t say anything. ‘You haven’t?’ ‘I haven’t, what?’ ‘You and Jim.’ ‘There is no me and Jim. We’re divorced, remember?’ ‘That means nothing where you two are concerned.’ ‘Why do people keep saying that?’ Debbie narrowed her eyes as she continued to stare at her. ‘You’ve slept with him, haven’t you?’ ‘No, I…’ Amber let out another sigh, this time one of resignation. ‘When?’ ‘What is this? You’ll be reading me my rights next.’ ‘When did you have sex with him, Amber?’ ‘I’m not sure that’s any of your business.’ ‘You’re my friend. It’s very much my business. When?’ ‘Just before the game.’ ‘Okay… and, what happened after that?’ ‘Newcastle Red Star beat Wearside Spartans 3 – 2.’ ‘Oh, Ronnie is so right about your tendency to be flippant when faced with something you don’t want to talk about. So, let me get this straight, you have sex with your ex-husband, and then you decide to move down to London to get away from him, is that right?’ Amber just stared at Debbie for a second or two. ‘No. That is not right. I’d already made the decision to base myself down south before all this shit happened…’ ‘This shit? Oh, so, it wasn’t good, then? Sex with Jim.’ ‘Now who’s being flippant? I’m being serious here, Debbie. Ronnie told me I needed to sort myself out, so, that’s what I’m trying to do.’ ‘By moving away from everything you know?’ ‘Jesus, Debbie, come on. I’ve been working down there for over a year now, it’s hardly the end of the earth. And I just need the space, alright? I need the space.’ ‘Why?’ Amber stared at her again, knowing all too well she was trying to get her to admit to something she already knew. ‘I’m moving to London, end of subject.’ ‘Okay. That’s me told,’ Debbie huffed, sucking up the last of her gin and tonic. ‘I’m off to get a refill.’ Amber watched her walk over to the bar, whispering something to Ronnie that caused him to look over, and Amber could only hope it wasn’t enough to make him come and talk to her. She really wasn’t in the mood to discuss this any more, not today. ‘So you’re moving to London?’ She felt her heart skip a ridiculous beat as the familiar American accent once more filled her head, but she didn’t look at him. She couldn’t. She didn’t think she was strong enough. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ ‘It wasn’t really the right time, was it? When you were fucking me up against your office door.’ ‘I would have thought it was the perfect time.’ Still she said nothing. She just dug her hands into her pockets and stared down at the ground. ‘You thought it was the perfect time to tell Ryan, though. Didn’t you?’ She slowly looked up, raising her head so her eyes met his. ‘I wasn’t thinking straight, Jim. I haven’t been thinking straight for a while now. Ever since you walked back into my life my head’s been a fucking mess.’ It was Jim’s turn to look away. ‘I don’t want you to go.’ ‘You have no say in the matter. And I don’t want to hear you say that, okay? I don’t want you to say something like that when you don’t really mean it.’ ‘I mean it.’ His eyes were back on hers, staring at her with an intensity that was quite frightening. ‘I don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to be so far away I can’t see you or talk to you or…’ ‘Hang on…’ That confusion that seemed to be omnipresent at the minute washed over Amber once again, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him. It was like some weird and invisible force was keeping them locked on his. ‘You have absolutely no right to stand there and say those things. None. You… you divorced me, Jim. You left me.’ ‘Because you were sleeping with one of my players.’ Amber laughed, a small, cynical laugh. ‘This is crap. All of it, it’s crap.’ She pushed a hand through her hair and turned away, knowing that she needed to leave here. She needed to walk away and leave this crazy situation that she couldn’t understand. Before it killed her. ‘Amber, please…’ Jim reached out, his fingers gently circling her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. ‘I’m sorry, okay?’ She looked at him again, her head telling her one thing, and her heart screaming something altogether different. ‘For what, Jim? For sleeping with me when I was just a teenager? For making me love you my entire life? For messing with my head every single, fucking day? What exactly are you sorry for?’ ‘Letting you go. I’m sorry for letting you go, and there are reasons, believe me, Amber, there are reasons why I… why…’ She frowned slightly as she noticed emotion clouding his usually impassive and stoic expression. This was a side of him she’d very rarely seen, and it confused her even more. ‘Jim?’ He shook his head. ‘Not here.’ ‘No. No, don’t ask me to go somewhere more private or make me listen to any more excuses or…’ ‘I have to go.’ ‘What the…? Jim!’ She watched as he just turned and walked away, pushing through the crowded Players’ Lounge until she couldn’t see him any more. ‘You alright?’ She turned to look at Brandon, who’d suddenly materialised beside her. Handsome, hot and talented – a frighteningly younger version of his father. A constant reminder of a man she would always love. A man who was destined to spend the rest of his life fucking up hers. ‘What the hell is wrong with him, Brandon?’ Brandon looked down at the bottle of lager he was holding, scuffing his heel against the wall behind him. ‘He’s got a lot on his mind.’ ‘Haven’t we all?’ Amber sighed, her mood brightening slightly as she saw Ryan walk in carrying their baby boy. Her father had been looking after Rico but he’d obviously brought him to Tynebridge to see his mum and dad, and for that Amber could only be grateful. She badly needed the distraction. ‘Do you want me to talk to him?’ Brandon asked. ‘Do whatever you like.’ Amber’s attention was elsewhere now. ‘I’m past caring.’ Not entirely true. She turned to look at Brandon, suddenly realising that his father’s odd behaviour was nothing to do with him. ‘You were great out there this afternoon. Without you on their side, Red Star would have annihilated Spartans.’ She smiled, standing up on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. ‘See you later, okay?’ Brandon smiled back, but Amber was done there now. She didn’t want to talk about Jim or even have to think about him, not when she had way more important things to be concentrating on. ‘And what are you doing here, gorgeous?’ She had the biggest grin on her face as she reached out to take Rico from Ryan’s arms. ‘I’ve brought our son to see his mum.’ Ryan grinned back, and Amber couldn’t help but smile. ‘I was talking to Rico.’ ‘I know. Your dad brought him in, thought you might want to see him seeing as you’ve been away from him all day.’ ‘Well, Dad was right.’ Rico was her steadying influence, the one thing that could stop her from making any more crazy decisions that were nothing but a way of deflecting her real feelings. With him in her life, she had to make sure every decision she made was the right one. For both their sakes. ‘Hello, baby! Has Granddad got you all dressed up in your daddy’s team’s colours?’ Rico was dressed in the cutest of baby football strips, with the number nine on the back and the name Fisher above it. A tiny replica of his daddy’s strip. ‘Oh, you are too cute!’ Debbie cooed as she tottered over on her four-inch heels. ‘Amber, he gets more beautiful every day.’ ‘Just like his mum,’ Ryan said, his eyes instantly meeting Amber’s. ‘Jesus, do you ever give that flannel a rest?’ Gary rolled his eyes, and Debbie nudged him hard in the ribs. ‘Ouch! What the fuck was that for?’ ‘We need to get home to check on Jodi.’ ‘Do we?’ It was Debbie’s turn to roll her eyes. ‘Just get your arse out of here, come on,’ she said, ushering him quickly away from Amber and Ryan. ‘That was subtle,’ Ryan sighed, leaning back against the wall, his hands in the pockets of his doubtless very expensive jeans. ‘You can talk.’ He looked at her. ‘I meant it. You do get more beautiful every day.’ ‘I bet you say that to all the girls.’ He shrugged, a slight smirk on his handsome face. ‘Once upon a time I did, yeah.’ Amber couldn’t help smiling again. ‘And didn’t I know it.’ Neither of them said anything for a second, they just let the silence between them hang in the air as they both watched their son play with Amber’s hair, wrapping it around his tiny hand and pulling at it gently. This perfect little man had been created in the midst of a not-so-perfect relationship. And Amber doubted it could ever be anything but that. Too much had happened, too many things had been said. Too many truths had been told. ‘We had something, Amber. You and me. Remember? We had something.’ ‘I know we did, Ryan. It’s just…’ She was distracted by Jim’s reappearance in the room, her grip on Rico tightening as her eyes followed him, watching the way he walked, the way he smiled at everyone who acknowledged him. She’d allowed this man to take over her life all those years ago, and now there was no way back. ‘I’m going to get a drink,’ Ryan sighed, pulling himself away from the wall. ‘Ryan…’ ‘Later, Amber.’ She threw her head back, stroking her son’s soft, dark hair as he snuggled into her. ‘Do you want to get out of here?’ She opened her eyes to see Ronnie standing there. He was the only person who could bring some sanity and sense into this rapidly deteriorating situation. She nodded, kissing the top of Rico’s head. Ronnie smiled. ‘Okay, well, I’ve just got a couple of things to tie up here, but I’ll only be a couple of minutes.’ ‘I’ll wait for you out in the main reception. I’d better let Ryan know I’m going.’ Ronnie leaned over to kiss her quickly before retreating back over to the bar, smiling at Freddie Sullivan as he approached Amber. ‘Everything alright, kiddo?’ ‘I’m trying to make it that way, Dad.’ Freddie frowned at his daughter, taking Rico from her. ‘Something you want to tell me?’ She looked at him. ‘Like what?’ Freddie raised an eyebrow. ‘Like, London?’ All of a sudden that move to London wasn’t sounding like such a good idea. And a huge part of her wished she’d given it a lot more thought before mentioning anything to anyone. So much for leaving the days of rash decision-making behind. ‘Look, Dad, forget London, okay?’ ‘So, you’re not moving down there, then?’ ‘I don’t know…’ ‘What’s happened?’ ‘What do you mean, what’s happened?’ ‘Something going on between you and Ryan?’ ‘Nothing’s going on between me and Ryan.’ And that’s where the problem lay. ‘I just wish it was,’ she said quietly. ‘Then none of this crap would be happening.’ Freddie frowned again. ‘’I don’t understand, sweetheart.’ She leaned over to gently kiss Rico’s warm cheek, stroking his hair. ‘No. Neither do I.’ ‘Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is you’ve got on your mind? Would that help?’ Amber smiled at her dad. He was the best dad a girl could ask for, and she loved him beyond words. But she really didn’t want him getting mixed up in any more of her turbulent and complicated love life. He didn’t need that, and neither did she. ‘No, it’s okay. I’m gonna go with Ronnie, grab something to eat.’ ‘Do you want me to take Rico?’ ‘Oh, no, Dad, it’s alright. He can come with us.’ ‘He doesn’t want to do that, do you, little fella? You’d rather spend some more time with your old granddad. He can stay the night, can’t you, kiddo? If your mum doesn’t mind.’ ‘Dad, are you sure? You’ve had him all day, and I… I can’t just…’ ‘Amber, it’s fine. I love having him, you know I do. You just go with Ronnie, okay?’ ‘Okay.’ She smiled, kissing first Rico, then her dad. ‘I’ll call you later. You be a good boy now, baby, you hear me? No acting up for granddad.’ ‘He’ll be fine. You go, go on.’ She made her way out of the Players’ Lounge, keeping her head down because she didn’t really want to stop for any small talk. She just wanted to leave Tynebridge and go somewhere away from it all. Just for a little while. ‘Hey, Amber, hang on!’ She’d put one foot outside of the door when he caught her, giving her no choice but to stop and face him. ‘What do you want, Ryan?’ ‘I thought we were taking Rico home together?’ ‘And when was that decided? I don’t remember making any plans. I didn’t even know Dad was bringing him in until ten minutes ago.’ ‘You’re leaving him with Freddie, again?’ ‘What do you mean, “again”? You make it sound as though Rico’s never with me. It’s one night, Ryan.’ ‘Why?’ She narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. ‘Why, what?’ ‘Why are you leaving him? Come on, Amber, you haven’t seen him all day…’ ‘Can you just quit with the lectures and the guilt-tripping and anything else that has very little to do with you.’ ‘He’s my son, too, Amber. So I think it has quite a bit to do with me. Jesus, I don’t even know how we got to this. To here. To the point where we can’t even have a frigging conversation without it ending in an argument. And it really doesn’t have to be this way, you know that, don’t you? It doesn’t have to be this way.’ She looked at him. A man she’d once thought she’d loved so much, but was Ronnie right? Had she ever really loved Ryan Fisher? Or had he always been nothing but a distraction. Something to hide behind because she was scared of giving in to someone she really should have left behind a long time ago. ‘Everything’s just so confusing, Ryan. And I’m sorry; sorry that it’s all turned to this so quickly, but… I don’t know. I just don’t know any more.’ He closed the door of the Players’ Lounge behind him, moving so he was standing in front of her, and she reluctantly leaned back against the wall. ‘Can’t we just talk, Amber?’ ‘About what?’ ‘About us. About how we can make this work – you, me and Rico. We’re a family now, babe. The three of us. We’re a family.’ She shook her head, looking down at her feet because meeting his eyes was painful. ‘It wouldn’t be fair, Ryan.’ ‘Why not let me be the judge of what’s fair and what isn’t?’ ‘Because that in itself isn’t fair, don’t you get it?’ ‘What I get, Amber, is that you’re pushing me away because you can’t move on. You can’t fucking forget him, and I know that’s hard, because he’s here all the time…’ ‘Which is why I need to get away, Ryan.’ ‘You need to get over him. If he doesn’t want you, why are you wasting your time? Why are you even bothering to give him any thought at all. Amber, I love you. I love you, and I want this to work… I want us to work. I don’t want you to leave because you need to get away from him, I don’t want you to do that.’ ‘Ryan…’ His mouth touching hers stopped her mid-sentence. Not that she’d had any idea what she’d been going to say anyway. And it felt nice, his kiss. His mouth was soft against hers, their lips moving together in a perfect rhythm, and for a few seconds Amber once more lost herself in that kiss. She allowed herself a few seconds to think about how it could be, if she was to just let it happen. The past few months had been good. Ryan had changed so much from that man she’d first encountered a couple of years ago. He was different now. He’d grown up, learnt to control himself; overcome his demons. And she was proud of him. He’d helped her through a crazy, unpredictable time in her life when, at times, she’d thought it was all crashing down around her. And she’d honestly thought she could love him again and that they finally stood a chance after everything that had managed to get in the way before. But now she wasn’t so sure. She just couldn’t be sure any more. And what he didn’t deserve was her making him think something could happen, if it really wasn’t going to. ‘I love you,’ he whispered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I know, baby. I know you do.’ Why couldn’t she love him back? Why couldn’t she do that? It would make everything so much easier if she could just do that. ‘Then let’s go home and talk about this. Rico can stay with your dad and we can…’ She shook her head, pulling away from him. ‘No, Ryan. I’m sorry… Look, if you want to take Rico tonight, just talk to my dad. He’s got all the baby stuff, and if you want to take him…’ He grabbed her hand as she started to walk away, stopping her in her tracks. But she didn’t turn around when he spoke. She couldn’t. She wasn’t even sure she could look at him now without the guilt overwhelming her. ‘I love you, Amber. Just remember that.’ She gently pulled her hand away from his and almost ran down the corridor, pushing open the doors that led out into the main reception so hard she almost flung them off their hinges, so desperate was her need to get away from that situation. Stepping out into the almost empty, and thankfully cool, reception area, she walked over to the huge floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out over the main entrance, watching as the last of the derby-day crowd hung around outside, waiting to see if they could catch a glimpse of any of the players leaving. ‘Did that kiss mean anything?’ She felt a shiver run up her spine as his hand lightly touched the small of her back, staying there for a brief second or two. But he stayed behind her; she could feel him standing there, even if he wasn’t touching her now. ‘He loves me, Jim.’ ‘But you don’t love him back.’ She couldn’t argue with that. She couldn’t lie, what would be the point? ‘I do love him.’ ‘But you’re not in love with him. Are you?’ She kept her gaze on the now-dwindling crowd outside. ‘Not here, Jim.’ ‘Then come with me. Somewhere we can talk.’ ‘You still think there’s something to talk about?’ She felt him lean in towards her again, his breath warm on her cheek as he whispered in her ear. ‘Yes. I do.’ His hand was resting in the small of her back again, and she felt that shiver return, her stomach diving down and flipping over. ‘I shouldn’t have touched you, Amber. Before. I shouldn’t have done that. Because now I need to do it all over again. I need to hold you, to feel you – to come inside you. All over again.’ She closed her eyes, hoping that when she opened them he’d be gone, that he’d never really been there because she didn’t need this. She didn’t. This wasn’t how things were supposed to have worked out. She was supposed to have stayed with Ryan, had his baby and tried to make a go of it. Tried to settle down. But she should have known, from the second Jim Allen had walked back into her life, that that was never going to happen. How could it? When he took over everything, invaded her every waking thought, whether she was aware of it or not. When he was always there. Always. And he’d been there for over twenty years now. How was she supposed to forget all of that? ‘Don’t do this, Jim. Please.’ She turned around, looking up into his eyes. ‘This has come out of nowhere…’ ‘Has it?’ His eyes never left hers, his hand reaching out to gently touch her cheek. ‘You know where I am. If you need me.’ She felt that all-too-familiar wave of confusion wash over her once more as she watched him walk away, out of the ground. Her first love. Her ex-husband. Her obsession. ‘What did he want?’ Ronnie asked, sidling up beside her, his gaze following Amber’s. ‘Nothing.’ ‘You use that word a lot, as far as answers to questions are concerned.’ She turned to face him. ‘Okay. Well, maybe I should expand on that answer, then. It’s got nothing to do with you.’ ‘Nice.’ She threw herself down into one of the chairs that graced the huge entrance atrium, leaning her head right back and letting out a quiet but heavy sigh. ‘How the hell did I end up here?’ Ronnie sat down on the arm of the chair, clasping his hands together. ‘Because you never really were as strong as you thought you were.’ Amber glared at him. ‘As far as men are concerned. As far as one man is concerned.’ She sat up, dropping her head into her hands and burying her fingers in her hair, letting loose another frustrated groan. ‘Two years ago I was happy, Ronnie. I had a great job, independence, a life I could control… and now look at me. I’m nothing but an over-emotional wreck with a complicated, fucked-up life!’ ‘You’ve got an incredible career, Amber. And you’ve got Rico. There’s nothing fucked-up or complicated about that.’ She looked at him again. ‘Rico is the best thing that ever happened to me, Ronnie. He’s the only thing I’ve got right in the past few months. But I’m not talking about my career, or my baby. They’re good, I know they are. It’s everything else that’s fucked-up.’ ‘So, like I said, do something about it.’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Jesus, Amber, what are we on here? Some kind of loop? I don’t know, kiddo. Just… follow your heart, okay?’ ‘Follow my heart…’ She trailed off, looking outside. Jim was standing at the bottom of the steps that led up to the entrance, talking to a small group of fans. He was laughing, and she felt her stomach twist and turn again as he threw his head back, laughing some more. Ronnie’s eyes followed her gaze again. ‘Maybe following your heart isn’t such a good idea.’ ‘I can’t leave him alone, Ronnie. I’m like a schoolgirl with this ridiculous, obsessive crush.’ She trailed off again as she realised just what it was she was saying. That was how it had all started in the first place, wasn’t it? Jim Allen, an American twenty-seven-year-old, hotshot football player who’d walked into her life when she’d been nothing but a teenager and rocked her entire world. Forever. That schoolgirl crush had never gone away. It had never really faded. And he knew that. So, was she doing the right thing by letting him think she was always going to be there? Even if she was. ‘I can’t let him go,’ she whispered. ‘You should try.’ ‘You told me to follow my heart.’ ‘I know.’ Ronnie sighed, standing up, his tone one of defeat now. ‘I know I did. I just thought you’d be more sensible than to head off in that direction, considering you know where it’s going to take you.’ She looked at him, something akin to guilt mixed with a hint of fear swamping her. She really didn’t have a clue what she was doing here. She only knew she was going to do it, and to hell with the consequences. ‘You think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?’ Ronnie held her gaze for a few, long seconds. ‘The biggest one of your life.’ Chapter Five (#u8802343b-4dc9-5023-9ca3-9979f2399035) ‘Jesus, Brandon, what do you want?’ ‘Good to see you, too, Dad.’ Jim sighed, standing aside to let his son through into the hall. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day. Derby matches always seem to drain me more than any others.’ ‘At least your side won.’ Jim couldn’t help but smile as he followed Brandon into the living room. ‘You did your best to stop that from happening.’ ‘Yeah. I did my best.’ He walked over to the fireplace, turning around and folding his arms as he looked at his father. ‘Who’s Carrie Jackson?’ Jim almost dropped the glass of whiskey he was holding, then leant back against the sideboard to steady himself. ‘Who is she, Dad?’ Jim poured himself another drink, turning his back on Brandon. ‘It’s none of your business.’ ‘Is she the reason you can’t let yourself be happy? The reason you won’t let yourself be happy?’ Jim turned back around, his expression telling Brandon he was in no mood to talk about this. ‘I’m shutting this conversation down, Brandon. Right now.’ ‘Is she the reason you push people away?’ ‘I won’t tell you again, son.’ ‘Like you pushed Amber away?’ ‘She was pregnant with another man’s baby.’ ‘That wasn’t the fucking reason, Dad, and you know it.’ Brandon’s eyes were holding Jim’s gaze now, refusing to let go. ‘You are still crazy-in-love with her, but you just can’t let yourself be happy.’ ‘If you know all of this…’ ‘All I know is the name, Dad. All I know is you were once in a relationship with a girl called Carrie Jackson. That’s all I know. Because I wanted you to tell me the rest. I wanted you to tell me the reason why she affected your life so much you won’t let yourself be happy with a woman you are so obviously in love with.’ Jim narrowed his eyes as he stared at his son. ‘Have you… have you been checking up on me?’ ‘The internet is a wonderful tool, Dad. You’d be amazed at what you can find out after just a half hour of searching.’ ‘I don’t believe this…’ He downed his whiskey, slamming the glass down onto the sideboard behind him, a mixture of panic and fear washing over him. He was losing control again, and he didn’t like that. It never made him feel comfortable. Losing control wasn’t something Jim Allen liked to make a habit of. ‘You need to go, Brandon. Now. Please. I really need you to go.’ Brandon held up his hands in defeat, shaking his head as he walked over to the door, stopping when he reached Jim. ‘You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Dad. Acting like some kind of robot who pushes his feelings to one side. Someone who finds happiness – who actually has it right there in his hands, and then just lets it go, as though it means nothing. When it actually means everything. You can’t keep on doing this, because it’ll destroy you.’ Jim grabbed Brandon’s arm as he walked out of the door. ‘I get scared, Brandon.’ ‘Who was she, Dad?’ Jim looked down, letting go of Brandon’s arm, signalling the end of the conversation. It was over. Done. Finished. For now. Brandon left without saying another word. Jim waited until he heard the front door slam shut before pouring himself yet another drink, the alcohol doing little to numb those feelings that short conversation with his son had caused to resurface. As he felt totally unexpected tears fill his eyes, he furiously blinked them back, refusing to let this bring him down. He just had to put it back where it belonged, out of his mind, out of reach, and carry on. Just like he had been doing ever since. Just like he needed to do again. * Amber closed the car door and leaned back against it, shutting her eyes as the cold north-easterly wind whipped across her face. But it was a reality she needed to feel before she stepped back inside a bubble she knew full well she should be steering clear of. It had burst so many times she couldn’t really keep count any more, but it was a bubble she needed to be in right now. She needed him, needed his touch, his kiss; she needed to feel him inside her. She needed that. Walking slowly up the driveway, she ran her fingers lightly along the side of his car, already feeling the forecasted frost begin to form on the cold surface. She began to shiver, the temperature was rapidly falling as the night wore on, and for a brief second she wondered if the fact she’d spent the last two hours just driving around – was that a warning sign? Should she be listening to those alarm bells, no matter how quietly they were ringing? If she’d needed him that much, why hadn’t she just come straight here when she’d left Tynebridge? Finally reaching the front door she watched her fingers as they hovered over the bell. Pressing it was going to restart something she wasn’t sure she was ready for. But it was something she couldn’t stop from happening, because Ronnie was right. She was weak. Where Jim Allen was concerned she was weaker than any human being should ever be. Pressing down on the bell she took a small step back. She still had a couple of seconds left to run away, to get out of there. To grow up and do what she’d said she was going to do – leave here and try and make a new start in London. But nothing could make her turn away from this, and she knew that. Now. She knew that. Her heart fluttered wildly in her chest as the door slowly opened, her stomach doing that same old dip and dive as she looked up and saw him standing there. He was wearing faded, battered jeans and a dark t-shirt, his hair a little longer than he usually wore it, and the only thing she could think about was burying her fingers in it and messing it up as she lay underneath him. ‘I need you,’ she whispered, unable to do anything about the zillion and one butterflies that had just started flying around inside her. He smiled the same smile that had reeled her in and dragged her into his world over twenty years ago. That same smile that could do it all over again, because she’d let it. Closing the door behind her she looked at him, letting every memory of this man wash over her. Every beautiful kiss, every tiny touch – every heartbreaking goodbye. They all came back to visit, all at once, making her twice as confused, but it didn’t matter. They could stay there, embed themselves in her brain on a permanent basis and she knew she still couldn’t walk away from this. He was too much a part of her, and even if he broke her heart a million times more she was always going to love him. So, what did that say about her? What did that say about Amber Sullivan – that feisty, strong, independent woman who’d once thought she could take on the world. What did that say about her? She walked over to him, taking the glass he was holding out of his hand, their eyes locked together. Reaching out to touch his mouth with her fingertips, she felt an altogether different kind of shiver engulf her as his hand rested lightly on her hip, pulling her just that little bit closer to him. Once more, the invisible cord she couldn’t seem to cut had brought her back here, back to him, and there was nowhere else she wanted to be. Standing up on tiptoes she closed her eyes as her lips touched his, so gently they just brushed over them at first, but it was enough to cause those goosebumps to break out, that wave of confusion to be washed away by something far harder to understand. And as his arm snaked around her waist, pulling her against him, his mouth pressing down harder on hers, she shut out everything else – Ryan, Ronnie; even Rico. She shut them all out, because she wanted nothing to spoil this. She wanted nothing to get in the way of what she was about to do. They were never going to make it upstairs, she knew that. They were never going to make it that far. It was going to happen right here, but it wasn’t going to be the quick and harsh encounter they’d shared earlier. She didn’t want that. She wanted to feel him properly, to take in every touch of his fingers on her skin. She wanted to sink deep into his kisses, feel him move inside her as their bodies once more became one. She wanted all of that. She wanted him. Stepping back slightly, she smiled as he leaned back against the wall, folding his arms, his eyes on her as she slowly stripped. And all that did was heighten everything she was already feeling, turning her on even more as all those things she was trying to push to the back of her mind slowly started to fade away. ‘Leave the boots on,’ he said, his eyes still boring into hers. ‘Jesus, baby, please leave those boots on.’ She couldn’t help smiling as she walked back over to him, now wearing nothing but black, knee-high boots, pressing her naked body against his still fully-clothed one. ‘I’d forgotten how much you kill me, Amber.’ His voice was low and oh-so-sexy as his mouth rested on hers. ‘What you do to my head, honey, it’s crazy.’ ‘I shouldn’t be here,’ she whispered, slowly pulling his t-shirt off over his head, flinging it aside like a used rag. ‘Then why are you?’ ‘Because I need you.’ She began pulling the belt away from his jeans. ‘I already told you that. Because I can’t get you out of my head, no matter how much I try.’ She ran her thumb over his cheek, his stubble rough beneath her fingers. ‘And because I’m weak.’ He took hold of her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it. ‘I can’t stand here and promise I won’t hurt you again, Amber…’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t say anything, Jim, please. Just… just don’t say anything.’ His hand tightened around hers, their eyes still locked together. ‘I don’t want to hurt you…’ ‘It’s too late for that.’ He finally broke the stare, but only for a brief second. ‘I’m glad you came. I didn’t think you would.’ ‘Oh, you knew I would, Jim. You knew I would come.’ He bowed his head, once more breaking the stare. And when he finally raised it he said nothing, just wound his fingers into her hair and pulled her forwards, kissing her slowly. And Amber felt herself falling again, faster and faster, deeper and deeper into that web of pain and heartache that she couldn’t stay away from. It was almost as if everything he put her through was a turn-on. As he gently lowered her down onto the stairs she felt a tiny twinge of reality nip at her conscience, the image of her beautiful baby boy swimming before her eyes and she squeezed them shut, pushing that image away. Rico was fine, he was good. He was safe and he was loved and he would always come first in her world. Always. And yet, how could she say that, when she was here? When she was about to do this and reopen every old wound Jim Allen had ever inflicted. ‘Are you okay?’ She opened her eyes, stretching her arms up above her head. ‘I’m fine. I was just thinking, that’s all.’ ‘About what?’ She took a second or two to look at him. He was naked now, as he stood there in front of her. For a man of his age he still had the body of someone twenty years younger; tall and lean, toned and hard, and every memory of the first time she’d seen him like this came rushing forwards, flooding her brain, making her almost breathless. She could feel her chest rising and falling, faster and heavier than it had done just seconds before, her heart beating wildly against her ribs, her fingers entangling themselves in her own hair. ‘About why I shouldn’t be here.’ He lowered himself down over her, the heat of his body as it touched hers almost burning her skin and she breathed in deeply, letting him pull one of her hands away from her hair, his fingers intertwining with hers. ‘I thought we weren’t talking,’ he whispered, his mouth moving closer to hers. ‘We aren’t,’ she breathed, her chest now rising up to touch his as her legs pulled up around him, keeping him close. ‘Okay…’ He kissed her slowly, and she stretched out more as she felt his other hand slip between her legs, touching her gently, checking she was ready for him. ‘No more talking.’ ‘No more talking,’ she repeated, opening her legs wider now, letting him in, inviting him to do whatever it was he needed to do. As the kiss got deeper his fingers played harder, touching her, sinking into a wetness he’d created, and she found it difficult to hold back, to stay quiet, because what he was doing to her was everything she’d dreamed of him doing since the day he’d told her it was over. It had only been a few months ago, the last time he’d broke her heart, yet it seemed like an eternity had passed. She’d missed him so much, and although she hadn’t always been aware of that – the months leading up to Rico’s birth had given her more distractions than she’d been able to handle – she knew that the second her son had been born, that was when reality had kicked in. That was when she’d realised things had never really changed. That was when she’d realised it was this man she needed to be with. He just hadn’t wanted her. He’d pushed her away. But was all that changing now? His mouth was still resting on hers as his fingers slid slowly inside her and she moaned quietly, bucking her hips up as she pulled him in. And it felt good to have him back there, to feel him where she needed him to be. Everything else felt wrong. Only he’d ever felt right, despite everything. Despite it all. Only he’d ever felt right. Moving his head down, he covered one of her nipples with his mouth, flicking his tongue over it, causing her to moan out loud again as she buried her fingers in his hair. He was making her dizzy; her head was spinning with a hundred different reasons why this was wrong, but still she didn’t want to be anywhere else. She didn’t want him to leave or stop doing this; she didn’t want him to go. He let go of her hand, pushing her legs a little further apart, and as he slowly pulled his fingers out of her she gasped, closing her eyes as she prepared for what was going to happen next, the anticipation both exciting and terrifying. But when he finally made that move, gently pushing into her so carefully, the complete opposite of the sex they’d had earlier, she felt nothing but a wonderful warmth spread through her entire body, from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. An incredible, mind-blowing feeling of warmth and safety. Yet she was anything but safe. Jim Allen was the epitome of danger as far as relationships were concerned. But she was trapped, in a world she wasn’t willing to leave. Pushing her hips up to meet his again she took him deeper, angling her body so he fell into her, and he held onto her as though his life depended on it as they moved together in an erotic dance, their rhythm perfectly synchronised. His moans merged with hers, soft and quiet yet loaded with an intensity that circled around them, filling the hallway, turning up the heat on an already burning atmosphere as bodies crashed together and feelings were torn apart under waves of confusion and pain. But Amber wouldn’t have it any other way. She didn’t want to feel anything other than what she was feeling now as he thrust in and out of her fast, then slow, keeping that rhythm going, holding out for as long as he could but he was sinking quickly, she could tell. His breathing was heavier, his body tensing up as he got ready for that final push, and Amber almost held her breath as she waited for the inevitable to happen, wanting it yet dreading it, because she didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want to end this closeness. She didn’t want to let him go. But she couldn’t stop that rush of beautiful, white-hot pain that flooded her body as he spilled out into her with a cry so loud it seemed to shake the room. And when he reached down to touch her, to help her to her own climax before he’d finished his, she thought she might pass out with the sheer weight of feelings he was making her experience in the space of those final few seconds. And when it was over, all she felt was a crashing emptiness that seemed to wash over her at breakneck speed. ‘Stay with me,’ he whispered, stroking the hair from her eyes, which she didn’t want to open just yet, in case he disappeared the second she did. In case this was just a dream. She felt sixteen all over again, and she wasn’t sure she liked it. It made her feel vulnerable, out-of-control, when she should be grown up and strong. ‘I… Jim, I don’t know…’ ‘Stay with me.’ He took hold of her hand, gripping it tight, his eyes now staring deep into hers. ‘Please. Because I can’t let this go… I can’t let you go. Not yet.’ She wanted to hear him say not ever; that’s what she wanted to hear him say. Not yet signalled that he was willing to let her go at some point. And once more she could hear those alarm bells ringing. ‘What are we doing, Jim?’ ‘I need you, Amber.’ ‘For what? For a few days? A couple of weeks? For sex and nothing else? Forever? For what, Jim?’ He sat up, pushing both hands through his hair, letting out a quiet sigh, but Amber could see the weight of the world right there on his shoulders. ‘I can’t do this. Not with Ryan still here. That constant threat…’ She sat up beside him, slipping her hand into his, kissing his shoulder lightly. ‘He isn’t a threat, Jim. He never was, not really.’ He looked at her, smiling a small smile, but even she could see it hadn’t reached his eyes. ‘You say that, but then something happens and he’s there, back in your life. And now you’ve got Rico… Amber, you and him, you have a child together.’ ‘I’m not in love with him, Jim.’ ‘But he’s always going to be a part of your life. He’s always going to be there.’ ‘And I can’t help that. I can’t. He’s Rico’s dad, and that’s a job he’s got for life.’ Jim looked down at their joined hands. ‘It still tears me apart that I couldn’t give you what you wanted. That you had another man’s child when I… when I loved you so much it broke my fucking heart every day to see you… to see you carrying his baby. You were my wife, Amber.’ ‘And you divorced me, Jim.’ He let go of her and dropped his head into his hands. ‘Because I just couldn’t face losing you.’ ‘Baby, that doesn’t make any sense. You were the one that left me. I didn’t want to go anywhere.’ He raised his head, his eyes tired and heavy with tears, and Amber didn’t know what to do. This was a side of him she’d very rarely seen, if ever. ‘But you might have done. You were pregnant, with a baby that wasn’t mine. Pregnant to a man who meant something to you, Amber. You say you’re not in love with him, but, Ryan Fisher – he meant something to you. Once.’ She got up, finding his t-shirt that she’d thrown on the floor. And he watched as she pulled it over her head, watched as she covered that beautiful nakedness with his own clothes. ‘I’ll go get us something to drink,’ she said, heading off into the kitchen, a fresh wave of confusion sweeping over her now. She found a bottle of brandy on the counter and pulled two clean glasses from the dishwasher before filling them both with a generous measure. ‘We really do need to talk, Amber.’ She turned around, unable to stop a sharp intake of breath as she looked at him standing there, dressed only in jeans that hung low on his hips, his hands in his pockets. ‘When did you get so paranoid, Jim? When did you let anyone get in the way of anything you wanted?’ ‘You aren’t just anything, Amber. You’re not just a winning football score or some defender I desperately want before the transfer window closes. You’re my whole fucking world, and the thought of you…’ He trailed off, turning his head away for a second. ‘We need to talk.’ She watched as he walked over to her, taking the glass she held out for him and putting it straight back down on the counter. ‘There are reasons why I did what I did. Reasons why I pushed you away.’ ‘So, tell me what those reasons are. Help me to understand just what’s going on here, Jim, because, right now, I don’t understand any of it. I don’t get it. None of it makes any sense.’ ‘I can’t, Amber. I can’t explain…’ He slowly slid his hand up under the t-shirt she was wearing, causing her to gasp as his fingers touched her skin. ‘I can’t.’ He leaned forward, his lips brushing over her neck and she threw her head back. She let herself fall into him all over again until a glimmer of reality pushed its way forward and she gently pushed him away. ‘Because sex will solve everything, won’t it?’ ‘It helps.’ ‘I need you, Jim. Because without you I’m a wreck. I can’t think straight, I can’t function, because you not being there, it’s wrong. It’s not how it should be. But if we’re… if we’re even thinking about being together again I need you to be honest with me. For the first time in your life. I need that more than anything.’ He leaned back against the counter beside her, digging his hands back into his pockets, taking the deepest of breaths before he spoke again. ‘Before I came over to the UK, I was… I was involved with… I was involved with someone.’ Amber felt her stomach tighten as he spoke. Was he about to reveal yet another secret he’d kept from her for all these years? ‘We’d met at a party, some awards ceremony a friend of mine had gotten tickets for. She was an up-and-coming country singer, someone the music industry had tipped for the big time, even though she was so young. We both were…’ Amber watched him as he spoke, watched the way his eyes filled with those tears she very rarely saw; a look on his face that scared her, because it was so alien, to see him like this. ‘I was only twenty, she was nineteen… but we fell in love. Hard. We fell in love hard.’ Amber felt her stomach tighten even more now. To watch him talk this way about someone else hurt with a pain she couldn’t explain. And it felt strange, almost as if she was listening to someone else completely. Someone she didn’t know. As though the Jim she’d once known had left the room to be replaced with someone more vulnerable. Someone she was having trouble recognising. ‘And for almost five years we were happy. We were so happy. My soccer career was taking off, and her music was going places, we had it all. We had everything. We had a future…’ Amber took a deep breath, wanting to reach out and take his hand but not knowing if that was the right thing to do. Did he want her intruding on something that was obviously so emotional for him? ‘But somebody made sure that future was never gonna happen.’ Amber was willing him to look at her now. She wanted to see his eyes, to feel what he was feeling because she could tell it was breaking his heart. Whatever he was about to tell her, it was breaking his heart. He turned his head, his eyes finally locking onto hers. ‘She died, Amber. She was on her way back from a gig in L.A., and there was an accident. Her van collided with a car that was speeding. It had cut the lights, swerved out of control…’ Amber reached out and took his hand, her fingers tightening around his, and he responded, clinging onto her as tears started streaming down his face. ‘I was in New York. I’d been playing in some soccer tournament and they didn’t tell me until… until it was over. For some reason. I don’t know why they left it. I just remember this numbness taking over, a pain so intense it cancelled out anything else I might be feeling. My whole world shut down that night. She was gone. She was my world, and she was gone.’ He turned away from her again, and Amber didn’t know what to do. Watching him fall apart right there in front of her was something she’d never seen before, and it scared her. Jim Allen was strong. Jim Allen was always in control. Jim Allen didn’t break down. ‘I changed that night.’ His voice was quiet, but there was a tougher edge to it now. ‘The person I’d been before, he was gone.’ ‘Jim, baby, look at me. Please.’ His eyes met hers, tears still streaming down his face and she couldn’t help but reach out and brush them away with her thumb. ‘I couldn’t fall in love again, not like that. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let myself. So I changed. I threw myself into my career, made the decision to play football over in the UK. It was the only way I could deal with it all. And I… I vowed never to fall in love again, because the pain you feel when your world is suddenly ripped away from you and you know you can never get it back… nobody deserves to feel that.’ His fingers tightened around hers once more, their eyes locked together. ‘But then came you. Beautiful, sixteen-year-old Amber Sullivan. From the very first second I saw you I knew. I knew I had to have you. I had to. And maybe I should have walked away, because you were so young, too young. But there was something telling me…’ He stopped talking, turning his head away for another brief second, causing another wave of confusion to wash over Amber. ‘The reason I spent all those years acting the way I did; the reason why I kept pushing you away.’ He turned back to face her, his eyes boring deep into hers. ‘I loved you too much, Amber. It was … it was like Carrie all over again, those same, uncontrollable feelings that I knew I couldn’t ignore. They were back, and they were real, and they scared the hell out of me. I wanted to be with you so much it hurt, but I couldn’t let myself get too close because that fear of losing you was just too great. Too overwhelming. And I know I hurt you, I know that, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, because we wasted so much time.’ Amber felt her own heart start to break as she watched him wipe those still-falling tears away, once more turning his head so he wasn’t looking at her. ‘I thought I’d be able to handle it better, you know? When I took the Red Star job. When I came back up here. All those years apart, but I still couldn’t get you out of my head. I couldn’t forget you. I was still so much in fucking love with you, Amber.’ He looked at her again. ‘You know I took the manager’s job at Newcastle Red Star because I needed to be near you again. You know that. And I thought I’d be able to handle it better after all that time away, I really did. I was wrong. Because I didn’t bank on Ryan Fisher. I didn’t bank on you still hurting so much because of what I’d done to you…’ ‘Jim.’ He bowed his head, his hand still clinging onto hers. ‘We almost had it, Amber. You and me. We almost had that future I wanted. We were together, you were my wife…’ As his eyes met hers again she felt her heart beat so fast she almost couldn’t breathe. ‘And still I pushed you away. Because that fear of losing someone I loved so much just wouldn’t leave me. I couldn’t forget how losing Carrie almost broke me, I couldn’t let that go. So I had to push you away. I had to pretend I didn’t care about you when you’re the only thing I care about. The only thing. And I should have been man enough to face up to everything and tell you the truth.’ She reached out and cupped his cheek in her hand, her own eyes filling with tears as everything she’d ever felt for this man collided and merged into one huge, emotional mess. Who she’d thought he was, and the actual man underneath, were two completely different people. ‘Why didn’t you just talk to me, Jim?’ ‘You were so young when we first met, Amber. Too young to understand all the crap going on inside my head. And back then – back then I just wanted to be this hotshot footballer who was suddenly having women falling at his feet, giving him every distraction he could possibly wish for. I didn’t want to talk about it. Not back then. And I know that wasn’t fair on you…’ She leaned forward and kissed him, the salt from his tears dampening her lips. ‘You should have talked to me. When you took the Red Star job, when you came back here… you should have talked to me.’ He tried to smile, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I know. Jesus, I know that now. I’ve been so stupid.’ He pulled her into his arms, holding her loosely around the waist. ‘I acted the way I did because I was scared, Amber. And I’m so sorry, baby. So sorry I hurt you, so sorry for everything I put you through because throughout it all… throughout it all I loved you so much it killed me. And I had to put on that front, create a mask to hide behind because if I hadn’t done that, I would’ve fallen apart. But now? Now I just wish I’d been stronger. We wasted so much time.’ ‘Sshh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Let’s not think about the past any more, alright? And let’s mean it this time. None of that matters now.’ He threw his head back, releasing a long, slow sigh. ‘I don’t deserve to have you in my life, Amber. Not after everything…’ She shut him up with another kiss, letting it build, her mouth opening to accept him more, his tongue sliding inside and she pushed against him, all those confusing feelings filling her head and she just wanted to forget them. For a few, short minutes she wanted them to go away. He turned her around, lifting her up onto the countertop, pushing her legs apart with a gentle force that signalled the beginning of something Amber needed now. She needed sex with a man she’d never really known, but he was a man she couldn’t walk away from. She’d known that before, and she knew it even more now. Leaning back, she placed her hands palm-down behind her, wrapping her legs around him as he pushed into her once more, so hard and so quick it rocked her whole body back, causing her to cry out loud, but it was a beautiful pain, and one she welcomed. To feel him back inside her was the only thing she wanted right now. He slid the t-shirt she was still wearing up over her breasts, his mouth covering them in tiny, almost feather-light kisses, sending her beyond crazy as the rhythm suddenly changed, and everything slowed down. Everything became calmer. He was kissing her so softly it was making her cry all over again, his arms holding her so tightly, as though she’d break if he let her go. And she just wanted to stay there, in his arms, feeling him move inside her as he kissed her. She wanted to feel that, forever. So when they both finally came, in a climax that was so beautiful yet understated in its intensity, once again she didn’t want to open her eyes. She didn’t want to step back into reality. ‘The next time, I want you to look at me when you come,’ he whispered, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb. ‘I want you to look at me.’ She stared into those green eyes of his; eyes that she’d never really been sure of. Eyes that had never really told her the truth, until now. Now she could see something in them she’d never seen before. Honesty. A whole new start. A different man. ‘I love you so much, Jim. But I never really knew you, did I?’ He rested his forehead against hers, his fingers now lightly stroking the back of her neck. ‘You know me now.’ She smiled. ‘I’m beginning to.’ He kissed her again, his lips soft and damp against hers as those tears still fell from his eyes, more slowly now. ‘Stay with me tonight, Amber. Please. Stay with me.’ And if there was one thing Amber knew for certain now, it was that she wasn’t going anywhere. Chapter Six (#ulink_28280bb5-c2b6-5198-b991-736c9871f0f4) ‘You look happy.’ Freddie smiled as he handed Amber her son, clean and freshly changed. Amber breathed in Rico’s beautiful baby smell, kissing him gently. ‘That’s because I am.’ ‘So, what’s changed since yesterday? Because when I saw you last you looked like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.’ ‘Jim and I, we’re back together.’ It was probably best to just come out with it. There was no sugar-coating the situation or waiting for a right moment that may never come. She was in love with Jim and he was in love with her. End of story. Freddie just looked at his daughter, an expression of not-altogether-unexpected surprise covering his face. ‘I… Amber, I… When did this happen?’ ‘Last night.’ ‘I thought you were with Ronnie last night?’ ‘It’s complicated, Dad.’ ‘It always is, kiddo. And I have to admit, this isn’t something I was ever expecting to hear. I’d thought you and him were finally over.’ ‘We’ve never been over, Dad. I don’t think we ever will be over.’ Freddie sat down on the arm of the couch, clasping his hands between his knees. ‘Well, I just hope you know what you’re doing, Amber. Because it isn’t just you and him any more. You’ve got that baby to think about now. And speaking of which, does Ryan know about you and Jim?’ Amber shook her head, cradling Rico in the crook of her left arm as she gathered all of his things together. ‘Not yet, no. I’m going to see him this afternoon. I suppose we do, kind of, need to talk.’ ‘And how do you think he’s going to take it?’ She threw her father a look. ‘How do you think he’ll take it, Dad?’ Freddie sighed. ‘Amber, sweetheart, I have no idea how you make your life such hard work.’ ‘I love him, Dad.’ Freddie looked at her, his expression softening slightly. ‘I should have seen what was happening all those years ago. I should have stopped it. You were so young. And I should have stopped it.’ ‘How could you? You didn’t know any of it was going on, so how could you have stopped it? I fell, Dad. I fell so hard and so deep and it’s impossible to let go or walk away now, but… believe me, there are things about Jim Allen… there are things you know nothing about. He’s not the man I thought he was. He’s different. It won’t be like every other last time. It won’t be like that any more.’ Freddie’s head shot up, a fleeting expression of something verging on suspicion sweeping over his face. ‘He told me things last night that explained everything – why he acted the way he did all those years ago, why he did what he did…’ ‘And you believe him?’ She stared at her father, cuddling her baby boy closer to her. ‘I do now.’ * Jim sat back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling for a few seconds before sitting up, re-reading the email that had just arrived in his inbox. Things were changing so quickly it was difficult to take it all in, but maybe this was a sign – a sign that things were meant to change and that his life was meant to go in this direction. And it was what he wanted, after all; Amber back in his life, back in his bed – that was all he’d ever wanted. A knock at the door made him jump, pulling him out of his thoughts. ‘Come in.’ ‘Work on a Sunday?’ Brandon asked, closing the door of Jim’s Tynebridge office behind him. ‘Did you want to see me about something?’ ‘I’m not one of your players, Dad. And yeah, I do want to see you about something, as it happens. I tried calling you at home but you weren’t there, so I figured there was only one other place you were gonna be.’ ‘That predictable, huh?’ Brandon shrugged, perching himself on the corner of Jim’s desk. ‘You okay?’ Jim looked at his son, raising a surprised eyebrow. ‘Any reason why I shouldn’t be?’ ‘Last night, when I came round… Maybe I shouldn’t have gone in so heavy-handed. I’m sorry.’ ‘I’ve spoken to Amber and I’ve told her everything. About Carrie, about how that had affected the way I loved her; how it had caused me to push her away when… when all I wanted was to be with her.’ Brandon took in a sharp intake of breath. ‘Okay.’ ‘I’m assuming you went straight back home and tried to find out more for yourself.’ Brandon held up his hands. ‘Guilty. Of course I did, Dad. You weren’t saying much, and… well, there wasn’t an awful lot there if I’m honest. You guys must have kept that relationship of yours pretty much a secret back then.’ ‘Neither of us were big enough or famous enough in our fields to be that interesting at the time, Brandon. But, yeah. We deliberately kept things quiet, kept ourselves to ourselves. It was the way we wanted it.’ Jim looked away as he felt a wave of pain return. It was pain he’d thought he’d seen the last of last night. ‘Dad, I’m sorry. For what happened. When she died it must have…’ ‘It was hard.’ Jim didn’t really feel much like talking about this or going over it all again. He’d done all the talking he’d needed to do with Amber. That was the only conversation that really mattered. ‘It was a difficult time, and that caused me to do a lot of things I’m not proud of. I pushed Amber away because I couldn’t face losing someone I loved so much all over again, but that was the wrong thing to do, Brandon. I know that now. And I really don’t want to go over everything again, but let’s just say that last night a lot of things that were broken got fixed.’ ‘I’m glad.’ Brandon smiled at his dad. ‘I’m glad that you might finally start to believe that being happy isn’t something to be scared of.’ Jim stood up, walking around the front of his desk. ‘Shouldn’t you be spending the day with that pretty girlfriend of yours?’ ‘Ellen? She’s still in bed. And all she’s got planned for today is shopping. No, I’m meeting some of the guys from the squad in town. We’re going for a few drinks, something to eat, maybe even the cinema later. We’re making the most of having a day off.’ Jim frowned. ‘Is everything alright? Between you and Ellen, I mean?’ ‘Yeah. Why shouldn’t it be?’ Jim shrugged, digging his hands into his pockets. ‘No reason. I just thought a young guy of your age would rather spend his free time with a beautiful woman than teammates he spends the best part of every day with.’ Brandon slid down from the desk, pushing a hand through his dark hair. ‘Things are fine between me and Ellen. What about you and Amber?’ Jim smiled, a smile he hadn’t felt much like smiling for a long time now. ‘We’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna be just fine.’ ‘You’re definitely back together, then?’ ‘We’re definitely back together.’ It felt good to say those words out loud. It felt really good. It felt like a whole new start, and Jim couldn’t stop a frisson of excitement from surging through him. ‘Good. Dad, that’s great! But, what about Ryan…?’ ‘I can handle Ryan. He isn’t a problem any more. Now, go on, go. Get out of here and enjoy your day off.’ Brandon started walking towards the door, stopping and turning around before he opened it. ‘Are you sure everything’s alright?’ ‘Everything’s fine, Brandon. I promise you.’ ‘Okay, well, I’ll call you later. And don’t spend all day in here, huh? Try having some fun now and again. It won’t kill you.’ Jim couldn’t help smiling again as he watched his son leave. Maybe things were finally starting to look up. So maybe he should heed Brandon’s advice and start having some fun. After all, hadn’t he told Amber last night how they’d wasted so much time? Did he really want to waste any more? ‘Can I come in?’ He looked up at the sound of her voice, his smile growing wider as she walked through the door, her baby son nestled in the crook of her arm. ‘Hey! I wasn’t expecting to see you… sorry. Is he asleep?’ ‘No, but he’s getting there. I just saw Brandon outside. Is everything okay?’ ‘Everything’s fine. He’s on his way into town so he just stopped by to say hello.’ Jim watched as she placed Rico’s carry-seat on the couch and gently lowered him into it, kissing his forehead gently. A stab of pain cut across his chest so fast it almost left him breathless – why couldn’t that baby be his? Why couldn’t he have given her the one thing that could have stopped this latest round of crap from happening? ‘The complications don’t go away, do they?’ Jim said quietly. Amber slowly turned around, her eyes meeting his. ‘Is Rico a problem?’ ‘No, baby. No. He isn’t a problem, of course he isn’t. But his daddy might be.’ She looked down at the ground, folding her arms against herself. ‘I’m on my way to speak to him. I just…’ She looked back up at Jim. ‘I needed to see you first. I needed to make sure that what we’re doing… that we both still feel the same way. That we’re both sure this is what we want. That we can handle it all this time around, because that little boy over there, he’s involved in all of this now. And I can’t… I won’t mess up his life the way you…’ She pushed a hand through her hair, looking away for a second before meeting Jim’s eyes once more. ‘I won’t mess up his life, Jim. I won’t do that. And I won’t let anyone else do that either. You take me, you take him, too. Do you understand? And if you can’t handle that…’ Jim walked over to her, pulling her into his arms and kissing her gently. And all she could do was fall against him, giving into a kiss she craved like a drug. ‘I can handle it, okay?’ She returned the smile he gave her, running her thumb lightly over his mouth. ‘Good. Because I love you both. And I need you both. But I can’t promise it’s going to be easy…’ He shut her up with another kiss. ‘Will you stop bringing up negatives that may never actually be a problem?’ ‘I’m just being realistic. Jim, this is hard, okay? I mean, last night, it was a shock. And my head’s still all over the place.’ ‘One day at a time, baby. One day at a time. And we’ll get there. I promise.’ ‘No promises, Jim. Please. You know how I feel. No promises.’ ‘Okay. No promises. Just know that everything I said last night, it was the truth. Every word, I meant them.’ ‘And that’s all I need to know.’ She closed her eyes again as his mouth lowered down onto hers, pulling her back under his spell, but it would be different this time. Everything would be different. It had to be. Circumstances had changed and nothing was the same any more. So it had to be different. ‘I love you so much,’ she whispered, her fingers running lightly over his rough chin. ‘So much. You have no idea.’ He took hold of her hand. Suddenly he felt like a kid again; could he really wind the clock back and try to make everything better? He needed to correct those stupid mistakes he’d made that had almost ruined everything for him. For both of them. ‘I’d better go,’ she said, reluctantly pulling away from him. ‘I need to talk to Ryan.’ ‘You gonna be okay?’ ‘I never made him any promises, Jim. I never pretended there’d be any kind of happy-ever-after, so, yes. I’ll be fine.’ ‘And what if he has a completely different take on things?’ She sat down on the arm of the couch, reaching over to stroke Rico’s dark mop of hair. ‘I hate what I’m doing to him, because he doesn’t deserve it. When all’s said and done he’s just an innocent victim of all the crap you and I created. All the crap we couldn’t cope with. He got caught in the middle, and that wasn’t really fair. So I hate what I’m doing to him.’ She sighed, picking up Rico’s carry-seat. ‘But, this is it.’ She turned to face Jim, her eyes determined as they stared into his. ‘No more running to Ryan Fisher. Because you won’t give me cause to any more. Will you?’ * ‘Looks like my dad and Amber are getting back together.’ Brandon sat down at the kitchen table, watching as Ellen emptied the dishwasher. ‘I’ve just been to see him, and I swear, it looked like some great weight had been lifted off his shoulders.’ Ellen slowly turned around, leaning back against the counter and folding her arms. ‘Your dad and Amber are getting back together? When… when did this happen?’ ‘Last night, apparently.’ Brandon didn’t really want to go into the ins and outs of why it had happened. Jim had quite obviously managed to keep his past a secret for this long, which probably meant he wanted as few people to know about it as possible. Which was fine with Brandon. All he cared about was that his father was finally learning to live – and love – again. Ellen frowned. ‘And does Ryan know about this?’ Brandon shrugged. ‘Not as far as I know. I’m assuming Amber’s gonna tell him, though. I mean, if her and Dad really are getting back together then they aren’t gonna be able to keep it under wraps for too long, are they? Given the circumstances.’ ‘No. I suppose not.’ Ellen’s mind had wandered now. This was all happening a little faster and a lot sooner than she’d anticipated, but, if what Brandon was telling her was true then this left the door wide open for her to put her own little plan into action. It was time for her to begin making Ryan see sense. And Amber Sullivan had just made it a hell of a lot easier for her to start doing that. * ‘Hey! How’s my little man? You all ready for a day with your dad?’ Ryan took the carry-seat from Amber and walked into the living room of the new home he was still getting used to. But having a kid, it really had changed him. And all of a sudden that quayside apartment hadn’t felt like such a great place to be. He’d wanted a house, with a garden and space for Rico to run around in. He’d wanted a home. A family home. So he’d moved to a new place on an exclusive estate just outside Newcastle, a lot more suburban but still close enough for him to be near the centre of town. It was everything Ryan had run a mile from when he’d first arrived back in the north-east. But now it was everything he needed. It wasn’t exactly your average family home, though. He was Ryan Fisher, one of the most famous top-flight footballers around, and he had a reputation to keep up. He hadn’t changed that much. And although the house wasn’t exactly something straight out of Footballers’ Wives, it was still large and detached, with a back garden the size of a football pitch and four huge en suite bedrooms. And it was right next door to Gary and Debbie’s place. He’d needed to be near friends, to make sure that the life he was trying to get right stayed very much on track. ‘He’s had a feed, and he’s just been changed, and he managed a little sleep on the way here, but, I can’t promise he won’t be wide awake for a while now.’ ‘That’s okay, isn’t it, kiddo? We’ll find something to do.’ He looked up at Amber. ‘When do you head back down to London?’ ‘Tomorrow afternoon. We’re recording a few episodes of Back of the Net on Tuesday, then I’m in the studio for the League Cup games on Wednesday night… Can I trust that between you and my dad you’ll make sure Rico’s alright?’ Ryan raised an eyebrow. ‘I think we’ll manage. Somehow.’ ‘Yeah, well, my Aunty Kim’s on board, too, just in case you need her. I know my dad’s got to work, he’s got a home game midweek, and you might get waylaid… You know, I could just take him with me…’ ‘Amber, Jesus, will you just calm down? Why are you suddenly so nervous of leaving him with me? This whole set-up has worked pretty well since you decided you weren’t even going to give maternity leave a try, so why are you panicking now?’ ‘I’m not panicking, Ryan.’ ‘Well, you’re not exactly calm, either. What’s up?’ She walked over to the window, staring out at the array of large, expensive houses, most of which were occupied by other big-name footballers and their WAGs, local celebrities, and the odd TV presenter. It wasn’t somewhere she’d ever really wanted to be, surrounded by all that glamour and extravagance. She preferred her own little home, not that far away from here. It felt more cosy, more homely. And it had been her safe haven for so many months. But would she be leaving it soon? To go back to Jim? Back to the home that carried memories, good and bad, despite the fact she’d only lived there for a matter of months. ‘Amber?’ She swung back around to face him. ‘Sorry? Did you say something?’ ‘You were miles away. You alright?’ She folded her arms, looking down at the wooden floor because she didn’t think she could meet his eyes when she told him what she was about to tell him now. ‘Ryan, I…’ But she knew she owed him that. She owed him the truth, and she should look at him when she told him. She should look at him and she should feel the guilt she deserved to feel because Ryan didn’t deserve this. ‘I didn’t make you any promises, Ryan. Did I?’ He felt his stomach sink, a feeling that told him he wasn’t going to like what was coming next. ‘No. No, you didn’t.’ ‘I never said this was all going to work out or that having Rico would guarantee we’d stay together.’ ‘We were never reallytogether, though, Amber. Were we?’ Her pale-blue eyes locked onto his as she shook her head, and that guilt she knew was coming swept over her like a cruel tidal wave. ‘I thought it would happen, Ryan. I really did. You have to believe that. And I do love you… I do, but… I’m in love with Jim. I’m in love with him, and I can’t change that. No matter how hard I try, and I have tried. I have. I really have. I tried so hard to move on, but, I can’t. I can’t do it.’ Ryan knew this had been coming. He wasn’t stupid; he wasn’t na?ve enough to think that he’d had her forever. But a little more time would have been nice. Because, who knows what could have happened, with a little more time? ‘He’ll hurt you, Amber. Again, and again. He’ll hurt you.’ ‘No.’ Amber shook her head. ‘Not this time. No.’ ‘Are you really that blinkered?’ ‘Don’t make this harder, Ryan.’ ‘For who? You? What about me, Amber? Huh? What about me? You’re taking my son away from me…’ ‘No, Ryan, I’m not. I would never do that. Never.’ ‘Are you moving back in with him?’ ‘I don’t know. I don’t know what’s happening now.’ ‘I guess those plans to move to London have changed, then, huh?’ She looked at him. ‘I don’t know what’s happening, Ryan. Okay?’ She leaned back against the wall, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know.’ ‘You will. You’ll move back in with him. One day. And what does that mean, huh? That means my son will be brought up by Jim Allen.’ Ryan couldn’t help but let out a laugh dripping with cynicism. ‘And that’s going to take some getting used to.’ ‘I’m sorry, Ryan. Really, I am. I never meant for any of this to happen…’ ‘What did he promise you this time?’ She stared at him. ‘He didn’t promise me anything.’ ‘So, what was it, then? A chance meeting in the corridors of Tynebridge yesterday and all of a sudden you’re back together? For the past few months you’ve done your level best to avoid being anywhere near him, Amber. What the hell changed?’ She turned her head to look back out of the window, watching as Debbie climbed into her pale-pink Range Rover, Gary carefully fastening Jodi into her car seat. They were a family now. A proper family. Why couldn’t she have given that a chance? ‘What happened after I left yesterday, Amber?’ She slowly turned to face him again, but she said nothing. ‘What happened?’ ‘I didn’t plan it, Ryan. I really didn’t plan it.’ ‘Another one of those quick fucks up against his office door, huh? Is that what it was?’ ‘Ryan, please…’ He walked over to her, his dark-blue eyes never leaving hers. ‘So, it’s okay for him to touch you, is it? It’s okay for him to fuck you, because you sure as hell didn’t want me in there.’ ‘Ryan…’ ‘Jesus, Amber!’ He turned away, pushing both hands through his hair. ‘Knowing it’s coming really doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.’ ‘I’m sorry.’ He swung back around to face her. ‘And that makes it all okay, does it?’ She shook her head, desperately trying not to cry. What good would that do? ‘You never even gave us a chance.’ ‘And if I had, would that have made this any better? No. All it would have done is make this situation ten times harder to deal with.’ ‘Oh, so, you think this is the easy way, do you?’ ‘You’re not being fair.’ ‘Neither are you, Amber. Neither are you.’ He walked over to Rico, crouching down in front of his carry-seat, taking his tiny hand in his. ‘We made this little guy, you and me. And look at him. He’s incredible!’ Ryan stood up, walking back over to Amber. ‘Without him I really don’t know where I’d be now. And you did that, Amber. You gave me my reason for changing. You gave me Rico, and for that I am so grateful – so grateful that he’s here. Because you alone were never enough.’ Amber turned her head away from him, tears pricking the back of her eyes and she blinked hard to try and stop them from falling. ‘Things are different now, Ryan. Between me and Jim. They are so, so different.’ ‘How?’ She faced him again, not caring that she was crying now. What did it matter any more? ‘I can’t tell you.’ ‘He’s spouting crap, Amber. Whatever he’s told you, he’s fucking lying. Because that’s what he does.’ ‘That’s not true… This isn’t some game…’ ‘Isn’t it? That’s exactly what it is. And the last person Jim Allen wants to see win is me.’ Chapter Seven (#ulink_de47acac-eae1-5414-93c2-f4d7d3d53043) ‘Amber, can I have a word?’ Amber looked up from her desk in the Cloud Sports office to see Max standing there. ‘Yeah. Sure. Is something wrong? I didn’t know you were coming down here today.’ ‘One of your guests on Scoreline tonight is a new player on my books so I’m here to provide a bit of moral support.’ ‘Is that all?’ He fixed her with a look, smiling slightly. ‘Nothing gets past you, does it?’ She turned her attention back to her emails. ‘You’ve heard Jim and I are getting back together, then?’ ‘It’s definite?’ He perched himself down on the edge of her desk. ‘Well, we haven’t sent out a press release or done a five-page spread in Hello, but it’s on the cards. Yes.’ ‘And you’ve told Ryan?’ ‘You know, I’ve told Ryan or you wouldn’t be here.’ She looked up at him again, chewing the end of her pen; a habit she’d never really grown out of. ‘Is he okay?’ ‘He’s fine.’ ‘Really?’ ‘I’m not in the habit of lying to you, Amber. I’ve seen a new side to Ryan Fisher since he became a dad.’ Amber sat forward in her chair, the end of the pen still in her mouth. ‘We haven’t made anything public yet, Max. Me and Jim. We’re still playing it very much by ear, but, I think we’re gonna be okay this time around.’ Max raised a more-than-cynical eyebrow. ‘You think?’ ‘I know.’ ‘You seem very sure.’ She sat back in her seat, swinging her jean-clad legs up onto the desk. ‘He isn’t the man everyone made him out to be.’ ‘Oh yeah? Care to enlighten me?’ ‘You’re my agent, Max, not my therapist.’ ‘And that’s another reason I’m here. You got time for another photo shoot while you’re down in the capital?’ ‘What kind of photo shoot? I’m not doing Ice magazine again. Once was enough.’ ‘I’ll be sure to let them know.’ Amber pulled a face, still chewing on the end of her pen. ‘It’s another men’s magazine, though. And before you start, it’s not one of those where they’re asking you to get your tits out.’ ‘Such an eloquent way with words you have there.’ ‘It’s one of the bigger ones. One of the more classy ones.’ It was Amber’s turn to raise a surprised eyebrow. ‘I’ve just had a baby, Max, so this had better involve me wearing clothes.’ ‘Can you do sexy power woman with maybe just a hint of cleavage on show?’ ‘Are you kidding me here?’ ‘No, I’m being deadly serious.’ She looked at him, narrowing her eyes slightly. ‘They want to do a piece on you and your rise to the top of football broadcasting.’ ‘I’m at the top of football broadcasting? Nobody told me.’ ‘Do you ever turn that flippancy level down?’ She sat back up, finally removing the pen from her mouth, throwing Max another look. ‘I’ll leave it with you, then,’ he sighed, standing up and slipping his phone into his top jacket pocket. ‘Oh, and Amber?’ ‘What?’ ‘Think carefully about what you’re doing.’ She knew that sentence was loaded with so many meanings, but she let it go. Of course people were going to question this latest decision of hers to go back to Jim, but did it matter what anyone else really thought? As long as she and Jim were together. She picked up the pen again and returned it to her mouth, sitting back and staring out around the office she called home at Cloud Sports, grateful it was empty. She was glad of the peace. It wasn’t usually so quiet, but this morning had seen something going down at Endleigh United, one of the big London clubs – the club Jim had managed for all those years before he’d made the decision to move up north and take the manager’s job at Newcastle Red Star. So most of her colleagues had shot off down there to see what was happening. Amber had preferred to make the most of the peace and catch up with any updates via the Cloud Sports News Channel on the large, flat-screen TV on the wall beside her desk. She was due to do a spot of presenting on Cloud Sports News later that afternoon, in between filming a couple more episodes of Back of the Net and preparing for her evening stint on Scoreline. Just thinking about the amount of things she had to fit in before she got the chance to switch off and relax almost made her shudder. But at least being busy kept her mind occupied. ‘What I wouldn’t give to be that pen.’ Her stomach suddenly flipped over and she couldn’t help smiling as she heard his voice behind her, felt his hand on her shoulder, his fingers lightly stroking the back of her neck. She quickly stood up, slipping her arms around his waist, unable to stop herself from kissing his mouth, falling against him as though she hadn’t seen him in months, instead of just a couple of days ago. ‘What are you doing down here, handsome?’ ‘It’s a long story.’ Amber frowned. ‘Oh yeah? Well, I’ve got time to listen.’ Sort of. She had a little bit of time, but not all that much. And now he was here she wished she had more. ‘I’ve just come from Parkfield.’ Parkfield Stadium was the home of Endleigh United. But why had Jim been down there? Shouldn’t he have been back in Newcastle, preparing for this weekend’s game? ‘They’ve sacked Ken Hollins. My replacement.’ ‘Yeah, I know who Ken Hollins is, in case you’ve forgotten what I actually do for a living. So, they’ve sacked him? I know it’s sort of been on the cards for a while now… Is that what all this commotion is down at the stadium this morning?’ ‘The ground’s surrounded by press and fans. Heaven knows how I managed to get in and out without anyone seeing me.’ ‘Seeing you? Jim… what’s going on?’ He sat down on the edge of her desk, pulling her in between his legs, his hands on her hips. ‘They want me back.’ Amber’s frown deepened. ‘Who do?’ That was a rhetorical, not to mention stupid, question. Because she knew exactly what the answer was. ‘Endleigh United. They want me back in charge.’ ‘Hang on… you’ve got a contract with Newcastle Red Star.’ ‘Contracts can be broken, Amber, and you know that.’ She was confused now. ‘And, when… when did all this kick off?’ ‘Well, you just said yourself Hollins’ job has been on the line for a while now. The club hasn’t really done all that great since I left…’ ‘Big yourself up there, why don’t you.’ She couldn’t help smiling, a smile he returned and she felt her stomach dip and dive all over again. She loved this man so much it was ridiculous. ‘I got an email a few days ago, kind of giving me a heads-up on what was about to happen, but I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure what was going on. And then, late last night, I got a call, asking me to come down and talk to them, and… Baby, I know this seems like it’s come completely out of the blue, but it couldn’t have come at a better time in reality.’ ‘How do you work that one out?’ ‘We can make a fresh start down here, Amber, don’t you see? You were already thinking about moving away from the north-east anyway, and I hated that idea because I didn’t want you to leave me. I didn’t want you to be so far away I couldn’t… I couldn’t see you. But things have changed now, baby. We can make a new start here. Together. And maybe that’s just what we need.’ ‘Whoa, hang on. Slow down there. They’ve offered you your old job back?’ ‘More money, more power, a relocation package you wouldn’t believe. Honey, this is so perfect. It’s almost like fate has thrown this at us and I… I really think we should consider it. Seriously consider it.’ Amber couldn’t say anything. All of a sudden this whole situation had just got real, and she didn’t know what to do, or what to say. ‘Most of your work is down here now, Amber. You’re in London far more than you’re up north these days, and if I stay at Red Star we’re hardly gonna see each other. But if I take the Endleigh United job, and we make London our base…’ ‘I never wanted to live in London, Jim. Not really. All that talk of moving down here, it was only because I couldn’t think of another way to distance myself from a situation I…’ He stood up, pulling her closer, kissing her quickly, but long enough to make Amber’s knees go weak. That’s how easy it was for him to draw her back under his spell. One kiss. That was all it took. ‘A new start, Amber. And don’t tell me you don’t think we need that.’ ‘Do they want you straight away?’ she asked, running her fingers over his cheek, her eyes watching their every move. ‘Pretty much. You know how badly their season’s gone so far, and whether I say yes or not, Hollins is out and someone new is coming in, regardless. They can’t afford to waste any more time.’ ‘And when do they need a decision from you?’ ‘As soon as possible. A couple of days, max.’ She let go of him, suddenly aware that anyone could walk in at any given moment. And the one thing she didn’t want was their rekindled relationship announced on the gossip grapevine. ‘Ryan won’t be happy.’ ‘What’s Ryan got to do with it?’ ‘He’s Rico’s dad, Jim. And I promised him I wouldn’t take Rico away from him. I promised him that.’ ‘You aren’t taking him away from anyone, Amber.’ ‘That’s not how Ryan’ll see it. He thinks any move to London is off now.’ Jim reached out and took her hand, pulling her back against him, and she didn’t fight it. Not this time. If anyone saw them, so what? It was all going to come out anyway. Eventually. And if Jim took the Endleigh United job then it was going to come out sooner rather than later. ‘Our lives are not gonna revolve around Ryan Fisher, baby. Not any more. It’s time to think about what we want now. Because we need to make it work this time, Amber. We need that. Because I don’t know how many chances we’ve got left.’ She looked at him, into those beautiful green eyes, her fingers still lightly trailing over his cheek. ‘I know,’ she whispered. The love she felt for this man was all-consuming; confusing. Unbearable, at times. But she needed him, no matter what. She needed him. And no matter what it took, she’d do it. If it meant they could finally be together. ‘What do you want to do, Jim?’ ‘I want to do whatever’s best for us, Amber. And if that means taking the Endleigh United job and moving down here, then that’s what I’ll do. But only if you want that too.’ She felt his fingers slide between hers and she looked down at their joined hands, at his thumb gently rubbing her knuckles. ‘I only know I want you, Jim.’ He tilted her chin up, kissing her long and slowly, and once more she let herself become lost in him, her body falling against his like that rag doll she always became in his arms. ‘You do realise that if it had been anyone other than me who’d just walked in here, you two would be all over Twitter by now.’ Amber broke away from Jim, turning to see Ronnie standing in the doorway. ‘I’ll leave you to it.’ Jim smiled, quickly squeezing her waist. ‘Are you going straight back up north?’ She didn’t want him to go. She really didn’t want him to go, not now he was here. She wanted him to stay, at least for one night. He smiled again, moving his mouth close to her ear, his hand resting on her hip. ‘I’ll see you at home. Then we can get naked and talk some more.’ She breathed in deeply as she watched him leave, unable to stop her stomach from somersaulting so fast she almost felt dizzy. Ronnie stood aside to let him through the door. ‘They’ve offered him the job, then?’ His tone was matter-of-fact as he threw the newspapers he was holding down on his desk next to Amber’s. ‘I… that isn’t common knowledge, is it? I mean, he’s only just left the stadium after talking to them…’ ‘Chill out, will you? It isn’t common knowledge. But I’m not stupid enough to think he’s come all the way down here on a Thursday just for sex. He’s too professional for that.’ Amber threw him a look as she leaned back against her desk. ‘People are gonna put two and two together, though, aren’t they? If he’s seen down here.’ ‘Probably, yes. His name’s already being touted around by the bookies as favourite to be Hollins’ replacement so I wouldn’t think it’ll be too long before the rumour mill is well and truly up and running.’ ‘He wants us to move down here.’ Ronnie stopped what he was doing and looked at her. ‘He’s taking the job?’ ‘I don’t know. No. I mean, he hasn’t come to a decision yet. We haven’t come to a decision yet.’ ‘A fresh start, huh?’ Her eyes met Ronnie’s, and once again she wondered how different her life would have been if they’d stayed a couple. When she thought about it now, those few months they’d been together back when he’d been a player in Manchester and she’d been working as a reporter for New North East, they’d been good. Fun. Uncomplicated. If she’d just let that ride, given that relationship a chance to evolve, could it not have turned into the perfect life she’d been looking for? But she already knew the answer to that. It never would have happened. Because she’d never have left Jim behind. Ryan was right – nobody else had ever stood a chance. ‘Would that be such a bad thing?’ Ronnie said nothing, he just kept his eyes locked on hers for a few seconds longer before breaking the stare. ‘You still think I’m making a mistake, don’t you?’ ‘I don’t know what to think any more, Amber. Everything’s changing so quickly, and I’m just scared you’re getting lost in all the crap he surrounds you with. So much that you can’t see the reality.’ ‘I can see the reality, Ronnie.’ ‘Can you?’ He walked over to her, his hands dug deep in his pockets. ‘Twenty-two years, Amber. He’s been doing this to you for twenty-two years and you had a chance to let go and move on. To leave him and all his shit behind. You had more than one chance to do that.’ ‘But I can’t, can I? I tried, remember? For almost sixteen years I stayed away from him, avoided him. Did everything I possibly could to make sure our paths never had a chance to cross. And yet, now… now I regret doing that. Because after what he told me…’ She stopped talking, turning her head away. ‘What did he tell you, Amber? Come on. What was it he told you that’s suddenly changed everything and turned you back into that lovesick kid he prefers you to be?’ ‘Do you know what? I don’t need this. And I especially don’t need it from you.’ She turned to leave, but Ronnie grabbed her wrist, swinging her back around to face him. ‘I’m not doing this to be cruel, Amber. Or because I wish it was me instead of him that you just can’t leave alone. I’m doing it because I care about you, and because I’ve been through way too much crap with you, all of it caused by Jim Allen. And every time he does that to you, it kills me. It fucking kills me to see you put yourself through it, time and time again.’ ‘He won’t hurt me any more, Ronnie.’ ‘Has he promised you that, huh? Has he promised you he won’t hurt you again? Has he promised you he won’t put you through any more shit? Has he promised you that?’ ‘He doesn’t make me promises. I won’t let him.’ Ronnie let out a small laugh, full of nothing but cynicism tinged with scorn. ‘Well, there you go, then. And how convenient is that? When it all turns to shit again he can just turn right around and tell you he never made you any promises.’ ‘You’re supposed to be my friend,’ she whispered, trying to pull her arm free but his grip on her was firm. ‘I am your friend, Amber. That’s why I’m saying these things. Because I love you too much to see you dragged down again. You’ve got Rico now…’ She finally pulled her arm free. ‘I am tired of people throwing Rico at me as some sort of reason as to why I shouldn’t be with Jim. That isn’t fair on me, it isn’t fair on Rico, and it certainly isn’t fair on Jim.’ Ronnie laughed that laugh again, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus, Amber, he really has got you reeled in hook, line and sinker, hasn’t he?’ She stared at him, their eyes locked together for what seemed like an eternity. ‘For all my life, Ronnie. For all my life.’ * Ryan flung open the door and let out a heavy sigh. ‘And I’m really happy to see you, too,’ Ellen said. ‘You look like crap, by the way. Baby been keeping you up?’ ‘He’s with his granddad.’ ‘So why do you look like you haven’t slept in days?’ ‘Because I haven’t. What do you want, Ellen?’ ‘I thought you might like a bit of company.’ He leaned against the doorpost, folding his arms. ‘Why would I like some company? I’ve just spent the best part of a day with a whole lot of people and, to be honest, I’d quite like to chill out on my own now.’ ‘That’s not very sociable, is it?’ ‘I’m not feeling particularly sociable. And haven’t you got a boyfriend who needs your attention?’ ‘He isn’t some puppy I just picked up from the shelter.’ Ryan rolled his eyes and walked back inside. Ellen took this as a sign to follow him, seeing as he hadn’t exactly slammed the door in her face. ‘I hear Amber and Jim…’ ‘I don’t want to talk about it, Ellen.’ She followed him into the living room, slipping off her coat and throwing it over the back of the sofa. ‘If you want my opinion…’ He turned around to face her, his eyes dark and determined. ‘I don’t.’ ‘You deserve better than Amber Sullivan.’ ‘I said, I don’t want your opinion, Ellen. I really don’t care what you or anyone else says or thinks because your opinions mean fuck all to me. Do you understand? Your opinion is pointless.’ ‘Okay. If that’s the way you feel.’ Ryan frowned as he looked at her. ‘Why are you here, Ellen? I mean, I thought you were all loved-up with Brandon Palmer.’ ‘Have I ever said that?’ ‘I kind of got the idea that you were, seeing as every time I see you you’re hanging off his arm like some WAG.’ She smiled slightly as she walked over to him. ‘That’s not very nice, Ryan.’ ‘I’m really not in the mood, Ellen. Just go home, will you?’ ‘I wanted to make sure you were alright, that’s all.’ ‘What am I? Some twelve-year-old who’s had a row with his best friend? I’m fucking fine, okay? Now, can everyone please get off my back and leave me alone?’ ‘You’re certainly acting like a petulant child,’ Ellen said, turning her back on him as she walked away. Ryan reached out and grabbed her by the waist, swinging her back around to face him, pulling her against him and kissing her so hard and so quickly she almost forgot to breathe. ‘Is that what you wanted, huh?’ he sneered, keeping a tight grip on her. ‘Is that what you came for?’ Ellen didn’t struggle to free herself. She stayed right where she was, smiling as she gently stroked his face, letting her fingers run over his chin, which was rough with heavy stubble. ‘I care about you, Ryan. More than I’ve ever cared about anyone. And the way you’ve been treated by Amber, it’s wrong.’ ‘I loved her, Ellen. I still do love her.’ ‘But you’re wasting your time, baby, don’t you see? Because she will never love you back. Not the same way you love her. She isn’t capable of doing that.’ ‘How do you know what she’s capable of?’ ‘Because I see the way she looks at Jim Allen. The way he looks at her. And anyone else just doesn’t matter. They’re two selfish people who deserve each other.’ ‘And what does that make you, huh? I mean, here you are, with me, when you’ve got a boyfriend at home who has no idea his girlfriend is after another man.’ Ellen laughed quietly, taking a small step back, but not far enough away to be out of his arms. ‘Is that what you think? That I’m after you?’ ‘Aren’t you?’ ‘I think you deserve someone who really cares about you.’ ‘And that’s you, is it?’ ‘You could do a lot worse.’ She moved a little bit closer, sliding a hand around the back of his neck. ‘You could do a lot worse.’ He pressed his hand harder into the small of her back, pushing her against him, kissing her again, only slower this time. And she responded with the tiniest of moans, her fingers burying themselves in his hair as the kiss became deeper, longer. ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ Ryan whispered, even though every inch of him was crying out for something to take his mind off Amber. And if Ellen was quite happy to sleep with him, the way he felt right now he was more than up for it. Or he would be, if he could just get rid of that last, lingering feeling of guilt. What the hell was wrong with him? The old Ryan Fisher wouldn’t have hesitated for even a second over this decision. ‘We shouldn’t…’ She put a finger to his lips, shaking her head. ‘We shouldn’t, what? Follow our hearts?’ Was he really following his heart? Because this wasn’t exactly the direction he wanted it to go in. Not really. ‘Come on, Ryan. What happened to that hot, sexy player I used to know? The one who wouldn’t think twice about making his move, especially if someone’s holding it right there on a plate for him.’ That person felt like a lifetime ago for Ryan. ‘Have you got no self-respect?’ Ellen smiled, slipping a hand up under her dress and wriggling out of her knickers. ‘Just fuck me, Ryan.’ And who was he to argue? * ‘I really do have to get back to Newcastle,’ Jim groaned as Amber slid back into bed beside him. ‘But when a beautiful, naked woman is lying right beside me, what am I supposed to do?’ ‘Have some willpower?’ He laughed, pulling her against him, kissing her slowly. She tasted of mint and toothpaste, and a life he wanted. ‘I’m done with willpower. Maybe I want to give reckless and spontaneous a go.’ ‘You’re the least spontaneous person I know, Jim.’ ‘Yeah, well, times are changing, baby.’ She smiled, closing her eyes as his mouth lowered down onto hers again, and she held onto him tightly because she was truly scared to let him go. All the pain and the hurt of the past year wasn’t forgotten; it was still there, and she still felt it all with a fresh reality every time she looked at him. Even now, as they made plans for a brand-new future and the life they’d tried to make together for so long, she still felt that fear that she’d lose him again. She probably always would. She’d just have to learn to fight harder, that was all. To make sure she didn’t lose her grip quite so easily this time. To make sure she never gave him a reason to doubt them ever again. ‘So, we’re gonna do it, then?’ he asked, his forehead resting against hers, his thumb lightly stroking her cheek. She nodded, laying her hand over his, their eyes locking, her stomach turning over and over with a mixture of nerves, fear and excitement. ‘Yeah. We’re gonna do it.’ He smiled, that wonderful, beautiful smile of his which lit up his face and made her fall in love with him a hundred times over. ‘Okay. I’ll call Gavin Kilpatrick at Endleigh this morning, and get the ball rolling. Then I’d better go and talk to the board at Newcastle Red Star. It won’t be pleasant, but it’s gone way past being just about football now. This is what I need to do. What we need to do.’ Amber felt her stomach flip over again as the reality of what they were doing hit home for her. This was really happening now. Her life was about to change all over again. But it wouldn’t just be her life that was changing; Ryan’s was going to change, too. Because, no matter how much Jim tried to tell her she wasn’t taking Rico away from him, she was. That was exactly what she was doing. Hundreds of miles would soon separate father and son, instead of the few that kept them apart now. Dropping in at any time to see his baby would cease to be something he could do, and Amber felt that guilt hit her head-on. ‘He has no say in this, Amber.’ It was almost as if Jim had read her mind. ‘Doesn’t he? Rico is his son, Jim.’ ‘And nobody will ever stop him from seeing him. Nobody.’ Amber sighed, turning over onto her back, flinging one arm up above her head. ‘Nothing is ever simple, is it?’ ‘Life would be pretty boring if it was.’ She closed her eyes again, as though blocking out everything she was going to have to deal with would just go away if there was nothing but blackness in front of her. ‘You do realise that you’re also taking on my child, and not just me, don’t you?’ she whispered, aware that his fingers were trailing lightly up her legs now, his breath warm on her cheek as he kissed her neck. ‘And you do realise that Rico comes first now. I love you, Jim, but you ceased to be the most important man in my life the second I gave birth to that little boy.’ He stopped what he was doing and Amber opened her eyes. ‘What’s wrong?’ ‘What was it like? Giving birth, I mean.’ ‘Painful. Next question.’ ‘Was Ryan there? Was he with you, when it happened?’ ‘Only just… look, do we have to talk about this? I don’t really want to…’ ‘Did he see his son come into the world, Amber?’ ‘Did you see yours? Were you there when Brandon was born?’ ‘You know I wasn’t. And that was a completely different situation. There were no feelings involved, I didn’t love his mom…’ ‘But you love your boy.’ ‘You’re changing the subject, Amber.’ She reached up and gently touched his cheek, stroking his skin, her eyes staring deep into his. ‘This has nothing to do with us, Jim.’ ‘You and Ryan, you shared one of the most special experiences two people could ever share. And that kills me, Amber.’ ‘Do you regret it? Not being there when Brandon was born?’ He took her hand, bringing it up to his mouth and kissing it gently. ‘Now I do, yes. Which is why it hurts even more to know Ryan was there with you when Rico arrived.’ ‘It still couldn’t make me love him the way I love you, Jim. Do you understand that? Yes, it was an incredible experience, but I would give up everything I have to have shared that experience with you. Not Ryan. Even through the most painful of contractions I wanted you there with me. You. Not Rico’s dad. I wanted you. The first alarm bell rang that night, Jim, drowning out everything else my head was trying to tell me. It rang out loud and clear; even when I was holding Ryan’s child in my arms, I wanted you.’ ‘Jesus, Amber, we handled all this so fucking badly.’ ‘Oh, baby, don’t cry. Don’t cry…’ She leaned over to gently kiss his tears away, tasting the salt, hating the way all the pain and the hurt still refused to go away. ‘He could have been my baby, if we’d just tried that little bit harder.’ She shook her head, her hand still resting against his cheek. ‘Don’t go back there, Jim. Please. Don’t go raking over the past. What happened, happened. And there isn’t a thing we can do to change it. All we can do is try to move forward and deal with all the problems and complications that are going to be thrown at us in the best way we can. And if we love each other, we can do that. We can do that, Jim. Together.’ He threw his head back for a second, and Amber watched as fresh tears fell from his eyes, her heart physically aching as everything he was feeling seemed to flood through into her. ‘I love you so much,’ she whispered, her voice faltering as she watched him almost fall apart in front of her. She’d never seen him like this before; never seen him so vulnerable, so real. But the pressure of keeping up that controlled and slightly harsh front was quite obviously becoming too much now. He smiled and she wiped away yet more tears, sliding a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him down for another kiss, opening her legs to let him lie between. She needed to feel him close, to feel him against her before she had to let him go. Before he left her to start making the plans that would change their lives, plans that still scared her, but it was all she wanted now. A new life with the only man she could ever let herself love. And this time she wasn’t going to fight it. ‘I am so, so sorry, for everything,’ Jim whispered, his eyes staring deep into hers, and she gasped quietly as she felt him gently push inside her. ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she breathed, pulling her legs up around him. ‘None of it. It doesn’t matter.’ Maybe that was a little lie. Some of what had happened mattered a great deal, but right now she meant it. Right now it didn’t mean a thing. All that mattered was that he was with her, beside her, inside her. He loved her. And how badly had she wanted that only a few months ago? How badly had she wanted that, forever? Arching her back she moved her hips up against his, wrapping her legs around him as he pushed harder, his hands in the small of her back pushing her up towards him, and she cried out as she felt him touch her so deeply it sent the most incredible shivers coursing through her entire body. For over two decades this man had been her life. Her world. Yet only now did she feel he was truly hers. Chapter Eight (#ulink_25765ebe-edac-5e90-9168-a1920ea0d939) The freezing north-east wind whipped around Amber’s ears and she wished she’d put a hat on. It was December, and the Christmas lights and festive feel filled the city of Newcastle. And she should have been excited. This Christmas she had the baby she’d so badly wanted, and the man she loved beyond anything. Last Christmas she’d had neither. But it wasn’t that simple, was it? Her baby belonged to another man, and she was about to tell him that, this time, she really was taking his son hundreds of miles away to another city, to be with the man he’d fought against for so long. Walking past Fenwicks, one of the oldest and largest department stores in the centre of the city, she stopped to look at the beautiful Christmas window display the store put on every year. Ever since she’d been a little girl she remembered her mum and dad bringing her here, to see what theme the store would be displaying that year – from traditional to fairytale, she’d always loved standing there with her nose pressed up against the glass, staring in awe at the colours and the moving puppets and the sheer magical feel of everything. And now that she had a child of her own she wanted him to experience that, too. But maybe it wouldn’t be here, in her native north-east. Maybe he’d experience that elsewhere. And anyway, London was full of this kind of thing. There’d be plenty of places to take him over all the future Christmases she’d have with her son. ‘Here. I thought you could do with this.’ She turned to see Ronnie holding out a takeout cup of coffee. ‘Thank you.’ She smiled, taking a much-needed sip. ‘So, it’s all going public today, then.’ Amber stared back at the window, concentrating on a Christmas elf, who was banging a wooden hammer up and down on a bright-red brick. ‘There’s a press conference at 5 o’clock. At Tynebridge.’ She looked at Ronnie. ‘I should have told him sooner, shouldn’t I? Ryan, I mean. I should have told him about this sooner.’ So far only her father and Ronnie knew about Jim’s imminent departure from Newcastle Red Star for his old London club, Endleigh United. Her father wasn’t exactly over the moon at this sudden turn of events, but he also knew there wasn’t much he could do to change Amber’s mind. He just wanted her to be happy, when all was said and done. And Jim made her happy. Simple as that. ‘Ryan Fisher is still unpredictable, Amber. He’s still a loose cannon, no matter how much you think he’s changed. If you’d told him this sooner, there was every chance he’d kick off and the secret would have been out way before now.’ ‘I’ve been lying to him, though.’ ‘Think of it as sparing him the truth before he needed to know it. And anyway, you could have just let him hear about it at the same time everyone else was going to hear about it.’ ‘Oh, yeah, that would work, wouldn’t it?’ She took another sip of coffee, staring back at the window, her eyes now focused on a mechanical Rudolph chewing on a carrot. ‘Maybe if Rico wasn’t involved… maybe then I would have left it to the press conference to let him know about it.’ She threw her head back and sighed. ‘Oh, what kind of person does that make me?’ ‘Come on, Amber. He’s just going to have to deal with it, isn’t he? And anyway, you’re telling him now, aren’t you?’ She checked her watch. ‘Yeah. I’m telling him now.’ ‘Come on. I’ll drop you at his place.’ She slipped her arm through Ronnie’s as they walked away from the crowd that was building outside Fenwicks’ window. ‘I’m scared, Ronnie.’ ‘Of what?’ ‘Of everything. It just feels as though it’s all out of my control now. When I think back to the way things used to be…’ He slipped his arm around her shoulder and she clung onto his waist as they walked past the imposing Theatre Royal, the cold wind showing no signs of letting up. ‘You’re gonna have to stop thinking in the past now, kiddo. Things have moved on. Your life has changed inextricably over the past couple of years and I…’ He stopped walking and turned to face her. ‘I really want to tell you to stay here, to forget about going with Jim.’ ‘Jim’s only going because of me, Ronnie. But we need a new start if we have any chance of making it work this time, and that just isn’t going to happen here. It isn’t. That’s why he’s cited conflict of interest in his get-out clause. The whole set-up is so complicated nobody really wants to get involved.’ ‘So that’s why it’s all happening so quickly, then.’ ‘That’s why it’s all happening so quickly. Jesus, my whole frigging life is so complicated that Newcastle Red Star are quite willing to let the best manager they’ve ever had go without a fight. I’m probably single-handedly killing this club! The fans are just gonna love me.’ ‘Okay, okay. Enough of the self-pity. And forget the fans.’ Ronnie sighed, sliding his arm back around her shoulders as they continued walking towards his car. ‘Maybe it is time to start thinking about what you want. For a change. And before you say anything, I still don’t think Jim Allen is good enough for you.’ ‘But you are?’ She couldn’t help smiling as she said that, and Ronnie smiled back, squeezing her shoulders. ‘Yeah. Of course I am. Actually, I’m probably way too good for you.’ ‘Cheeky sod,’ she laughed, playfully punching his arm. He stopped as they reached his car, leaning back against it. ‘I’m serious, Amber. He really isn’t good enough for you. And I’m scared history is gonna repeat itself all over again.’ ‘It won’t.’ She stuck her hands in her pockets, burying her chin into her scarf as the wind whipped up once more. ‘Because he told you that?’ Ronnie arched a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Because he told me that,’ she repeated. ‘Come on. Take me to Ryan’s and let’s get this over with.’ * ‘You think I knew about this?’ Ryan didn’t know what to feel. Everything from anger to upset to a searing pain was clashing together inside him, making his head spin. ‘She hasn’t told you?’ ‘Do you think I’d be reacting like this if she’d told me, Max?’ Max sat down on the arm of a nearby chair, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Jesus… I’m sorry, Ryan. I thought you knew. I just wanted to see how you were doing before the press conference makes it all official.’ ‘It’s all happening today?’ He didn’t know what to do. He seriously didn’t know what to do. ‘Red Star have called a press conference for 5pm, at Tynebridge…’ ‘I’m going down there,’ he said, grabbing his jacket from the back of the couch. ‘Hey, hey, calm down. Ryan, calm down!’ Max stood up, grabbing his arm. ‘You’re not going anywhere. Now, I’m sorry you had to hear it like this, but she hasn’t exactly been open with me, either. I only heard about it an hour ago.’ ‘You’re not the father of her child, Max. A child she is planning to take all the way down to London, away from me, to be brought up by Jim fucking Allen! Jesus Christ, I can’t believe this…’ ‘She was talking about moving down to London anyway, Ryan, so this can’t have come as a complete surprise.’ ‘She didn’t say anything about shacking back up with him, though, did she?’ ‘But even you said that was on the cards, kiddo.’ ‘I didn’t think… I… They’ve planned a whole new life together in a matter of weeks, Max. With my son!’ ‘Okay. Okay, I understand how much…’ ‘You understand nothing. Nothing. I loved her. I loved her so fucking much, and I thought… I thought that when Rico was born… I thought he’d bring us closer.’ He was pacing the floor now, pushing a hand through his hair, backwards and forwards in an almost nervous action. ‘You always knew he was never going to go away, Ryan.’ He stopped pacing for a second and swung around to look at his agent. ‘But maybe I always hoped he would. Somehow. Jesus!’ He slammed himself back against the wall, resuming the repetitive motion of raking his hand through his hair, stopping only when the doorbell echoed through from the hall. He looked out of the window, catching sight of Ronnie’s burnt-orange 4x4 on the driveway. ‘That’s her.’ Max held up his hand, a silent order for Ryan to stay exactly where he was. ‘I’ll get it. And Ryan? Don’t blow this, okay? Don’t start acting like a petulant kid who thinks the world owes him a living.’ ‘She’s taking my child away, Max.’ ‘She’s doing what she needs to do to be happy. And you’re just going to have to deal with that. I’ll call you later.’ Ryan watched Max walk out into the hall; he heard the front door open and muffled voices before she finally appeared in the doorway. She looked as though she’d been crying, and her dark-red hair was all mussed up and windswept. She was beautiful, and to look at her broke his heart more than he cared to admit. ‘I’m sorry, Ryan. I should have told you sooner. I should have told you before now.’ ‘Yeah. You should have.’ She looked down for a second, digging her hands deeper into the pockets of her cream coat. ‘It’s all happened so fast…’ ‘No, it hasn’t, Amber. It hasn’t. Because it never stopped happening. You and Jim Allen, you never stopped being together, even when you were apart.’ ‘You don’t know…’ ‘I know it all, Amber. I know you never really loved me; I know I was always just some kind of buffer between you and him, someone to run to when he was treating you like crap. I know that’s all I ever was to you.’ ‘That’s not true.’ He looked at her, her eyes shining with fresh tears, and yet still all he could feel was love. He wanted to hate her for what she was doing, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t hate her. ‘Just admit it, Amber. Please. No more pretending, okay?’ She leaned back against the doorpost, pushing a hand through her hair as she stared up at the ceiling for a couple of beats. ‘Why does everything always end up so complicated?’ He wasn’t even sure she was directing that question at him. She wasn’t really directing it at anyone, she was just thinking out loud, or that’s what it seemed like. ‘When are you going?’ he asked, his voice calmer now. That anger he wanted to feel just wouldn’t come. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘Jim’s last match in charge is New Year’s Day. He wanted to finish on a home game.’ ‘That’s big of him.’ Amber threw Ryan a look, telling him his sarcasm wasn’t something she appreciated. Tough. He didn’t appreciate her taking his son hundreds of miles away, but he wasn’t being given much choice in the matter. ‘I wanted to leave sooner,’ she whispered, her eyes staring down at her black ankle boots. ‘That desperate to get away from me, huh?’ Her head shot up and she glared at him. ‘Grow up, Ryan.’ ‘What do you expect, Amber? Did you think I’d be happy for you? Really? Did you think I’d be jumping for joy at the thought of my son – my son – being brought up by a man who has basically taken from me the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?’ He walked over to her. His head was all over the place, and that anger he’d wanted to feel earlier was now creeping in, spreading slowly. ‘And now he’s not only taking you away from me, he’s taking my son, too. So I can’t be happy, okay? I can’t do that.’ Her eyes locked onto his, and all that guilt she knew she deserved to feel flooded through her, like someone had just opened a floodgate somewhere inside her. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I can’t… I need him, Ryan. I need him.’ ‘Like shit you do, Amber. You don’t need anyone. The Amber Sullivan I first met, where’s she gone, huh? Where’s she gone? Because she wouldn’t have let herself be dragged down by a man she knows she should have left behind a long time ago. She wouldn’t have done that.’ Amber shook her head, taking a deep breath, her eyes still locked on Ryan’s. ‘But she did, Ryan. Don’t you see? That’s exactly what she did.’ * Jim leaned back against his desk and looked around the office he was about to vacate in just a couple of weeks’ time. Part of him felt a little sad about that, because he’d come here to Newcastle Red Star, and turned this club around. He’d given them the success they’d craved for decades; he’d helped them become league champions, seen them through several good Cup runs and stints in Europe they could only have dreamed of before. So his decision to leave and go back to Endleigh United wasn’t going to be a popular one. He knew that. Only a matter of weeks ago he’d been determined not to let anything get in the way of ensuring this club stayed right where it belonged, at the top of the League. That memory just intensified the guilt he was already feeling at leaving them like this, in the middle of a season in which they were doing well. They were doing really well. And he was leaving them. But he had no choice. He was a different man now. Things had changed; his life had changed. He had Amber back. And if he wanted to keep her; if he wanted to make sure it worked this time, something had to give. And that something was Newcastle Red Star. Thinking about Amber also made Jim realise that it was going to be his private life under scrutiny at this press conference just as much as his professional one, which made him slightly uncomfortable. Anything to do with his personal life becoming public made him uncomfortable. For years Jim Allen had been a very private man, an enigma, almost. The most anyone knew about him was that he was better at his job than any manager of his generation. But then everything had come out about his past relationship with Amber, about Brandon Palmer being his son – about his marriage ending because Amber was pregnant with Ryan Fisher’s baby, even though that had only been part of the problem. And now – now it was going to happen all over again. Today wasn’t only about telling the footballing world he was making the trip back down south, it was also about telling the world he was back with the woman he loved. And for once he wanted everyone to know that. He wanted them all to know how much Amber meant to him. He was quite willing to expose himself emotionally if that’s what it took to show just how much he loved her. If that’s what it took to prove that, this time – this time it was for keeps. ‘You okay?’ He looked over towards the door, a smile spreading across his face the second he saw her. ‘I am now. Come here, come on.’ She walked over to him, stepping between his legs as his arms circled her waist. ‘I just thought I’d pop in and see how you were feeling.’ ‘I’m fine. Is it busy out there?’ ‘You could say that, yeah. The place is teeming with press and media, as you’d pretty much expect.’ ‘And who’s covering this exclusive for Cloud Sports, then?’ ‘Ronnie. He’s already got a front-row seat in the Press Lounge, so be nice to him, okay?’ She winked, and he laughed, that low, deep, sexy laugh that made Amber’s stomach flip over and over. ‘And where are you going to be?’ he asked, his hands sliding down over her bottom. ‘I thought I’d just stand at the back and keep my head down.’ ‘Are they mad at you? The bosses at Cloud Sports, I mean, for not letting on that you already knew about this?’ ‘Well, I can’t say they were happy. I seem to make a habit of harbouring secret stories from the world of football, most of them concerning you.’ She shrugged. ‘But I walk a fine line between being professional and being personally involved with the people who make these headlines, so, they kind of understand why I had to keep it a secret, why I didn’t want Cloud Sports to claim some big exclusive just because I’m your… Jesus, Jim, what am I, exactly?’ He stared right into her eyes, and for a few seconds he didn’t say anything. ‘Marry me. Again. Marry me, Amber.’ She couldn’t stop a small laugh from escaping. ‘Sorry?’ ‘Marry me. And let’s do it properly this time. Jesus, honey, if I’m gonna make a habit of putting my private life out there, then let’s do it in style, okay?’ ‘Are you serious?’ ‘Like you wouldn’t believe.’ Jim laughed, pulling her even closer, his mouth gently brushing over hers. ‘Just say you’ll marry me, Amber. Please. And this time… this time we’ll make it work. Both of us. We’ll make it work.’ She smiled, her stomach flipping a ridiculous amount of somersaults as she closed her eyes, letting his kiss take her over, loving the feel of his body pressed hard against hers. ‘I want you, right here, right now,’ he whispered. But he was telling her something she already knew. She could feel him hard against her thigh and a familiar ache for him spreading through her body. ‘You’ve got a press conference to go to,’ she murmured, her mouth moving closer to his. ‘And they can’t exactly start without me, can they?’ She smiled again, already slipping out of her shirt. ‘Well, they could, but there wouldn’t be much point.’ ‘Turn around.’ His mouth was almost touching her ear as he spoke, and Amber felt that ache grow more intense, her breathing becoming more rapid by the second. ‘I won’t hurt you, I promise.’ She stared up at him, reaching out to touch his face, her fingers running lightly over his cheek, down over his slightly open mouth. ‘Kiss me,’ she whispered. ‘Just kiss me.’ The electricity between them was almost ricocheting off the walls, and the intensity that had suddenly filled the room seemed to make the heat rise and the temperature almost unbearable, despite it being freezing outside. And when his mouth touched hers she felt her stomach take a leap so strong her knees literally gave way and he had to hold her up, catch her in his arms, all the while his mouth never leaving hers. His fingers were loosening her jeans, pulling them down slightly, his tongue flicking across the back of her teeth, sending her stomach into yet more spasms. He pulled away only to gently turn her around, and she leaned forward, her hands palm-down on his desk, knowing exactly what was coming now, the anticipation verging on unbearable. She could hardly breathe; every breath was shallow and ragged as it tried to escape, mingling with the small gasps the touch of his hands on her naked skin were causing. Gripping the edge of his desk she closed her eyes as she felt him pull her jeans down around her ankles, his hands sliding back up her legs to slowly pull down her knickers, and she gasped again, louder this time, desperate for him to take her, to push inside her so hard she’d feel that beautiful pain she so badly wanted to feel. Her whole body was on fire, just waiting for him to come inside her, to give her that relief she needed now. And when she felt his knee nudge her legs further apart, his hands on her hips keeping her still, she bit down on her lip as she waited for the inevitable, crying out quietly as he pushed into her with an almost violent thrust that rocked her forward, causing her to grip the desk even tighter. But then those thrusts became more gentle, a little slower, and she pushed back against him, wanting him deeper, needing to feel every inch of him. And it was just minutes before his actions grew faster again, his movements in and out of her speeding up, pushing harder, until neither of them could hold on any longer. But the inevitable endgame was every bit as beautiful as she’d wanted it to be, that white-hot pain searing through her as she felt him flood out into her, filling her with everything she needed from him. Everything she’d ever wanted. He was making himself a part of her all over again and she was taking him, and loving him, and keeping him close this time. She felt his grip on her hips loosen slightly as he slowly pulled out of her, and she stood up, quickly yanking her knickers and jeans back up her legs as she leaned against the desk. He smiled, and she felt her stomach embark on another round of somersaults. Would it never let up with those acrobatics? Was she going to feel this way about him forever? ‘You know, there’s a perfectly respectable office down there in the Parkfield Stadium. And I’m sure my desk was bigger there, too, if I remember rightly.’ Slipping her shirt back on, she returned his smile, running her fingers through her hair and shaking it out. She was absolutely positive people were going to be able to tell what she’d been doing in here. She was sure of it. And she didn’t care. ‘You get off on this, don’t you?’ She pulled him towards her by his shirt collar. ‘Fucking me, in your office. You really get off on it.’ His arm snaked around her waist, his smile widening. ‘I could be fucking you anywhere, Amber, and I’d get off on it. Jesus, just thinking about you gives me an instant hard-on.’ ‘Well, try not to let that happen out there, okay?’ ‘Can’t promise.’ She moved her mouth closer to his as she spoke. ‘Try.’ ‘Still can’t promise.’ She was lost in him again, falling into his kiss like the lovesick teenager he was constantly going to make her feel she was. Almost forty years old and still she couldn’t stop herself from feeling like that sixteen-year-old kid she’d been when this man had first walked into her life. The sound of someone clearing their throat made them both jump apart, and Amber looked over toward the door. Max was standing there, arms folded, a look of something bordering on slight amusement on his face. ‘You two finished?’ Jim took another step backwards, his hands now in his pockets, his head down as he gave a small laugh. ‘Yeah. Yeah, we are.’ He raised his eyes slightly, giving Amber a look that only made those stomach somersaults start up all over again. ‘I’d better go. I’ve got a big announcement to make.’ Amber straightened his collar, quickly kissing him before he grabbed his jacket from the back of the couch and slipped it on. ‘I’ll see you in there?’ he asked, turning back around to look at her. She nodded, folding her arms and smiling at him. ‘Yeah. I’ll see you in there… Jim?’ He turned around again, his eyes fixed on hers. ‘You are sure about this, aren’t you?’ He didn’t know whether she was talking about him taking the Endleigh United job, or whether she was talking about them, but either way, he couldn’t be more sure about anything. ‘I’m sure.’ He smiled, and she leaned back against the desk to steady her already weak knees. ‘I love you, Amber.’ ‘Yeah. I love you, too,’ she whispered, watching as he left the room. Max closed the door behind him. ‘Well, thanks for making me sit through something bordering on some schmaltzy scene from a Hollywood movie.’ She looked up and poked her tongue out at him. ‘Nice. You know, if you took Ice magazine up on their second, much more lucrative offer, and did exactly that whilst wearing nothing but your ex-husband’s suit jacket you’d make sure they sold so many copies they’d have to order a dozen reprints.’ ‘I’m going to start ignoring you. I’m almost on the wrong side of forty now, and I’ve just had a baby. I think my days of doing glamour shoots are over.’ ‘You’ve only done the one.’ ‘Exactly.’ ‘But you’ve got a body kids half your age would kill for.’ ‘So? Does that mean I have to get it out for all and sundry to look at? And why are we talking about this?’ Max walked further into the room, stopping to check out the array of Manager of the Month awards that lined the wall of Jim’s office. ‘This has shattered Ryan.’ ‘I can’t help that, Max.’ He turned to face her. ‘Maybe you should have trusted him. Given him a little more credit. Told him about this before now.’ ‘Don’t lay the guilt trip on me, Max, please. I feel bad enough as it is.’ ‘Was he okay? When you left him?’ ‘He seemed fine.’ ‘Seemed?’ ‘He seemed fine, Max. Okay? What do you want me to say? I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about his, I can’t do that. Not any more.’ ‘I know. I know you can’t.’ ‘I care about him, believe me. And what I’m doing, I’m not proud of it. I didn’t want any of this to happen. But Jim, he’s… he’s like some drug I just can’t give up. He’s a lifelong addiction, Max. And I can’t kick it.’ Max looked at her. ‘Then Ryan’s just going to have to deal with that, isn’t he?’ ‘Yeah. Yeah, he is.’ * ‘Have you seen this?’ Gary stared up at the huge, oversized TV screen that hung on the wall in his pristine white kitchen. ‘What the fuck…?’ He looked at Ryan. ‘Did you know about this?’ Ryan didn’t look at the TV. He just continued to sink mouthful after mouthful of beer from the bottle Gary had just given him. ‘I didn’t know a fucking thing, mate. Not until a couple of hours ago.’ ‘Jesus…’ Gary looked at the TV again, turning the volume up so he could hear Jim Allen as he spoke. ‘Does that have to be so loud?’ Debbie stopped in her tracks as she joined them in the kitchen, her eyes automatically going to the screen. ‘Has he just said he’s leaving Newcastle Red Star?’ ‘Shut up, Debbie, will you? I’m trying to listen.’ ‘What about Amber?’ ‘What about her? Can you just zip it for a second, huh? Just let me listen.’ Debbie sat down at the breakfast bar that separated the functional part of the kitchen from the family room area. Not that any area of Debbie’s kitchen was particularly functional. She very rarely cooked anything that needed more than a quick re-heat, so it was little wonder that every one of her many expensive appliances were still sparkling and brand new. ‘When the fuck did this all kick off?’ Gary sat back down, taking a big swig from his own bottle of lager. ‘And who told you?’ He directed that question at Ryan, who was still refusing to look up. ‘Max. Well, he didn’t tell me, as such, he mentioned it and… Look, does it matter who told me?’ ‘So, it wasn’t Amber who told you?’ Debbie asked. Ryan finally looked up, his eyes meeting Debbie’s. ‘No. It wasn’t Amber who told me. And before you start giving me the Spanish Inquisition, yes, I’ve spoken to her, and no, everything isn’t fine.’ ‘That’s why you’re round here, then, is it?’ Gary took another swig of lager, smirking slightly at Ryan, who ignored him. ‘Do you want me to go?’ ‘That’s not what I said, mate.’ ‘She never said anything to me…’ Debbie’s voice trailed off as she fished her mobile phone out of her pocket. ‘Well, it would seem she didn’t say much to anyone,’ Ryan sniffed. ‘And I wouldn’t bother trying to call her. She’ll be in there.’ He cocked his head toward the TV, where questions were now being fired left, right and centre at Jim Allen. Debbie put her phone down and sat back on her stool, looking over at Ryan. ‘I can’t believe this. I’m assuming, because of the state of you, that Amber’s going with him?’ ‘Why else do you think he’s leaving, Debbie?’ Gary got up to fetch two more bottles of lager from the imposing double fridge at the back of the room. ‘Okay. Don’t start on me.’ She looked back over at Ryan. ‘I thought you would’ve been glad to see the back of Jim Allen.’ He threw her an almost withering look. ‘Yeah, and I would have been, if he hadn’t been taking my girlfriend and son with him.’ Debbie bit down on her lip, scrunching up her nose. ‘Oh. Sorry. I didn’t think…’ Gary put the beers back and shut the fridge door. ‘Look, instead of hanging round here looking at your miserable face, let’s go out. Have a few drinks in town.’ ‘Is that a good idea?’ Debbie nudged her head in the direction of Ryan, trying to keep her voice low. ‘I am here y’know.’ There was a slightly irritated tone to Ryan’s voice now. ‘He’ll be fine. You’re a big boy now, aren’t you, mate?’ Gary winked, grabbing his phone from the countertop. ‘You just need to get out, have some fun. Take your mind off everything. It’ll be just like old times.’ ‘It better not be,’ Debbie muttered, slipping down from her stool and picking up the pile of ironed baby clothes that were lying on the breakfast bar. ‘And try not to make too much noise when you come back in, Gary, okay? Because, if you wake Jodi, I don’t care how much you’ve had to drink, you’re the one that’ll be settling her back down.’ Gary ran over to Debbie and picked her up in his arms, swinging her round before putting her back down and kissing her quickly. ‘I won’t be late, and I won’t be drunk.’ ‘Yeah.’ Debbie threw him a sideways smile, retrieving the baby clothes she’d dropped when he’d picked her up. ‘And where have I heard that one before?’ * Amber stood at the back of the room, her hands in the pockets of her skinny jeans, her eyes never leaving Jim as he spoke, his expression sincere, his voice steady as he spoke of how much Newcastle Red Star meant to him, not only as a manager, but as a player, too. A wave of guilt stabbed her chest and she briefly looked down at the floor. If it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t be going anywhere. If it wasn’t for her, this club wouldn’t be losing the best manager they’d ever had – the best manager the game had seen in a long, long time. She briefly closed her eyes, silently scolding herself for giving in to another bout of self-pity because she didn’t deserve that luxury. She’d helped cause this mess. She’d done that. Looking over at Jim again she felt her stomach contract as his eyes locked onto hers, and he smiled – at her. A smile that may have been brief but it was meant only for her, she knew that. It was a smile that was trying to tell her it was all going to be okay, because that’s what Jim Allen did. He told her how things would be. He broke the stare and turned his attention back to the room, but that smile he’d aimed directly at her hadn’t gone unnoticed by a few of the more eagle-eyed journalists and reporters in the room, some of whom had now turned around to look at her, which made her feel more than a little uncomfortable. She still wasn’t a fan of being anywhere near the limelight. She may be what they classed as a minor celebrity now; a famous face in the world of sports presenting. And she may have appeared on more than a handful of magazine covers and done photo shoots that had caused more than a few eyebrows to be raised, but sometimes she felt as though someone else entirely had done all of those things, because it was still hard for her to get her head around everything that had happened to her. But being the centre of attention, having people interested in every move she made, having them write about her personal life and ask questions that nobody but those closest to her should ask, that still wasn’t something Amber could get used to. Nor did she want to. ‘You okay?’ Max asked, sidling up next to her. She nodded, staring out a particular journalist she was familiar with; a hack who’d twisted stories about her and Jim on more than one occasion to make them sound more sordid or interesting than they really had been. ‘I’m fine.’ ‘You didn’t have to come in here, if you didn’t want to.’ ‘I wanted to be with Jim.’ She turned her head to look at Max. ‘I wanted to make sure he told them what he’d told me. I wanted to make sure he was really leaving; that’s how bad things have got, Max. I actually need to hear him say the words, to hear them for myself as he tells the football world he’s leaving here. To start a new life. With me. I needed to hear him say those words to someone other than just me. That’s the only way I can believe him; believe that he means it. That’s how paranoid and obsessive I’ve become.’ Max reached out to quickly squeeze her hand. ‘You know this isn’t the end of it, though, don’t you? This is just the beginning of the questions and the speculation about you and Jim, you and Ryan… This isn’t the end, Amber.’ ‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘I know that.’ ‘And I’ll be there, sweetheart. Every step of the way. I’ll be there to help in any way I can. To make this easier, for all of you.’ She couldn’t help smiling at him, squeezing his hand back. ‘I knew I’d made you Rico’s godfather for a reason.’ Max grinned at her. ‘Yeah. It means I get to him first when he becomes one of the most famous footballers this country has ever seen.’ Amber laughed quietly, shaking her head. ‘As long as he’s got his daddy’s talent, and not his mother’s ability to fuck up everything.’ Max gave her fingers one more squeeze before letting go of her hand. ‘You’ll get through this, Amber. You’re a Sullivan. You’ll get through this.’ Once upon a time she would have believed that. But now she wasn’t quite so sure. Chapter Nine (#ulink_7d00c326-1203-59b3-af4c-c6401dd0af26) ‘Jesus, Ryan, slow down, mate. Debbie’s gonna kill me if I take you back home wasted.’ ‘You my babysitter now?’ ‘Do you need one?’ ‘Fuck off.’ ‘Yeah. Really good to see the old Ryan back. I’m going to the bar. And if you want another one, you can get it yourself. I’m not being responsible for you getting into a state. Those days are frigging over.’ ‘Good to know who my real friends are.’ Gary turned around and leaned over the table, his face close to Ryan’s as he spoke. ‘I’m a real friend, Ryan. I was there when you were throwing your life down the fucking toilet, remember? I was there when you were lying in the gutter because you were too frigging pissed to even stand up, or off your fucking head on coke. I was there when you were so fucking low you didn’t think you’d ever drag yourself back up; when you were this fucking close to losing everything, I was there. Me. Your real fucking friend. I was there, Ryan. But if that’s what you want to go back to, you’re on your own this time, you got that? Because I refuse to go there again. I refuse to watch you piss it all away because you still can’t fucking deal with something you should have learnt to deal with a long time ago.’ Ryan watched as Gary walked back over to the bar. But even after listening to those words and after seeing the look on his best friend’s face, all he wanted to do was get so drunk he didn’t know what time of day it was. He wanted to forget he was losing the only things that mattered to him, and he couldn’t do that by being mature and dealing with it, because he couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t. Not yet. He didn’t want to. ‘On your own tonight, Ryan?’ He turned his head to see an extremely pretty dark-haired girl sit herself down beside him. ‘Not any more.’ He knew her face, and he vaguely recognised her. He knew he’d probably fucked her once or twice at some point during his time with Newcastle Red Star, but that only meant she was one of many, and he never had been all that great at remembering names. She smiled, sidling up closer to him. ‘So, you looking for some company tonight?’ ‘You offering?’ ‘Well, you’re a free man now, aren’t you?’ He frowned slightly, not quite drunk enough yet to have lost the ability to focus as he looked at his pretty companion. ‘Your ex-girlfriend,’ she explained, her perfectly manicured, baby-pink fingernails trailing lightly over his tattooed forearm. ‘She’s gone back to her husband, hasn’t she? I saw the press conference earlier this evening on the local news. He’s taking some other manager’s job down south, and she’s going with him.’ Hearing someone else say those words out loud was like a dagger to Ryan’s heart, the pain almost physical. ‘They’re divorced. He isn’t her husband.’ ‘Yeah, but, they’re getting married again. He said so, at the press conference.’ Ryan’s frown deepened. ‘Sorry?’ She rolled her eyes, her fingernails still running slowly up and down his arm, not that he was noticing. All he cared about was clarifying what she’d just told him. ‘Your ex-girlfriend, Amber Sullivan, or whatever she calls herself these days, and Jim Allen. They’re getting married again. That’s what he said.’ Ryan reached for his drink, draining the last of his pint. Now he needed something stronger that would take the pain away for a lot longer than just a few hours. Something that would wipe away everything he’d just been told and let him believe it was all okay. He needed that. Again. He needed that. Everything he thought he’d left behind, he wanted it back. ‘You up for a good time?’ He gently removed her hand from his arm and slid his fingers between hers, his eyes asking her another, silent question he hoped she understood. She smiled slowly, and he felt a strange kind of relief surge through him. An excitement he hadn’t felt in a long time. ‘As good a time as you like,’ she drawled, leaning forward so her mouth was almost touching his. ‘You call the shots, Ryan. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I can get it. You know that.’ He smiled, too, reaching into his pocket for his phone. ‘I’ll call The Goldman. Let them know we’re on our way.’ She grabbed her bag and stood up, wiggling her hips as she pulled the already-too-short hem of her barely-there dress down over her thighs. ‘I’ll make a couple of calls myself. Make sure we’ve got everything we need.’ ‘You’re an angel.’ He gave her the full-on Fisher smile, feeling a sense of freedom he hadn’t felt in so long. It was almost exhilarating, as though someone had just opened the cell he’d been locked inside for too many years, and now he was free to do whatever the hell he liked. ‘I’ll meet you in the lobby.’ ‘I won’t be long.’ She blew him a kiss, and he watched as she sashayed over to the bar, throwing his head back and letting out a laugh that was almost maniacal. ‘What’s up with you?’ Gary asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion as Ryan stood up, slipping his jacket back on and pushing both hands through his hair. ‘Nothing, mate. Absolutely nothing is up with me.’ ‘Where you going?’ Ryan looked at his friend. A friend he knew cared about him. And he’d never forget how instrumental Gary and Debbie had been in making sure he hadn’t gone too far down a road that had almost ruined him, but he could handle all of that now. He didn’t need looking after, not any more. ‘I’m going to enjoy myself, Gary. That’s where I’m going.’ ‘Ryan…’ He swung around to face Gary. ‘I can look after myself, Gary, okay? I don’t need you or anyone else hanging over me, waiting for me to do something stupid, I don’t need that. I don’t. I can look after myself.’ ‘You sure about that?’ Ryan said nothing for a couple of beats, his eyes boring into Gary’s as a brief but fleeting moment of doubt flashed through his mind. But then he remembered what he’d just been told – Amber and Jim were getting married. Again. And the only sound he could hear was the hammering of that final nail into the coffin of a relationship he knew he could never have now. It was over. And he couldn’t deal with that right now. Not sober. Not clear-headed. ‘I’m sure.’ * ‘Did we do the right thing? Announcing our engagement during that press conference?’ Amber wrapped her arms around Jim’s waist from behind as he slid his tie off, throwing it over the back of the chair. ‘We’re doing this properly, Amber. No more secrets, no more lies. No more pretending.’ She rested her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes as his fingers slid between hers. ‘No more pretending…’ she whispered, trailing off as he slowly turned her around, his mouth meeting hers in a kiss so gentle it was hard to believe he was the same man who’d caused her so much heartache for most of her life. Any sane woman would have walked away decades ago. But she obviously wasn’t sane. And she could never walk away. She’d tried, and she’d tried hard, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t walk away. ‘No more pretending.’ He smiled, and she felt her heart dance that dance reserved only for him as his handsome face lit up and those eyes she’d found so hard to trust for so long were conveying nothing but honesty. Truth. Something she’d found so difficult to get from him. Dare she believe that, this time, everything really was going to be okay? ‘I love you so much, Jim.’ ‘I love you, too, baby. You have no idea…’ She closed her eyes as his lips touched hers again, and she buried her fingers in his hair, pushed her body against his as the kiss deepened, the intensity growing by the second. But then, for some reason she just couldn’t fathom, she pulled away. ‘You okay?’ Jim frowned, watching as she walked away, into the en suite. ‘I guess all of this, the press conference, me and you…’ She turned to look at him as he leaned against the doorpost. ‘It’s a lot to take in, Jim. The speed at which it’s all happened…’ ‘Do you want to slow things down?’ He’d smiled as he’d asked that, and she couldn’t help but return that smile, leaning back against the sink as she brushed her teeth. ‘No,’ she replied, through a mouthful of toothpaste. ‘Okay…’ He walked into the bathroom, his hands in his pockets as he stood in front of her. ‘So, what’s up?’ ‘Nothing’s up, Jim.’ She turned briefly to spit toothpaste into the sink, quickly wiping her mouth with a tissue before turning back to face him. And she couldn’t stop another slow smile from escaping. ‘It’s strange, that’s all.’ ‘What is?’ He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, his eyes locked onto hers. ‘Feeling like I can finally trust you.’ ‘That’s strange?’ ‘Yeah, that’s strange.’ He moved a step closer, and all she was aware of now was the smell of his cologne and the warmth of his body as it almost touched hers. ‘Well, I guess we’ve both got a few new things we need to get used to.’ His voice was low, practically a whisper, and she felt her breath catch in her throat as he moved even closer, his hand on her hip now, resting gently on the thin material of her short nightdress. ‘I guess we have,’ she murmured, her fingers gripping the sink behind her as his body finally touched hers, his hand sliding up and under that nightdress, making her gasp as it came into contact with her skin. ‘All I’ve ever wanted is this, Amber.’ His hand was moving higher now, cupping her bottom as he kissed her neck, covering it in tiny, tiny kisses, each one making her gasp out loud, again and again, until she could stand it no longer. Slipping her hand around the back of his neck she pushed his head down so their lips met, at the same time pulling herself up onto the edge of the sink, opening her legs to let him in between, wrapping them around him the second he was there. He held onto her tightly, keeping her steady as he tried to manoeuvre inside her, and he was there within seconds, one hand on her bottom the other in the small of her back as he pulled her forward slightly, pushing her further onto him. Amber couldn’t stop the cries from escaping as her legs gripped him tighter, her hands behind her as she leaned back slightly, trying to avoid the taps digging in because she wanted nothing to detract from what was happening. It was a little uncomfortable, but he was inside her so she didn’t care that her bottom was numb or that her arms ached with the effort of keeping herself steady. All she cared about was that feeling of complete calm he was giving her. That was all that mattered. His hands had moved now, sliding further up under her nightdress, his thumbs flicking over her nipples, sending her crazy, and she bit down on her lip as he stripped her naked before lowering his head to kiss her breasts. She could feel it now, the almost burning sensation that began at the tips of her toes and travelled slowly up her body, creating that white-hot pain, that beautiful rush she couldn’t get enough of. She could feel it already beginning its journey and even though it was far sooner than she would have liked, she gave into it, pushing her hips against him, taking him deeper as she leaned back further, screaming out his name as he came fast and hard, his fingers digging into her as his body tensed up, his face buried in her shoulder; until he’d given her all he had to give. Until he was spent. ‘Jesus, Jim…’ He pulled back slightly as he slowly withdrew, shaking his head, smiling as he sank to his haunches and Amber gripped the edges of the sink even tighter. She knew what was coming next, her eyes closing as his mouth touched her, and she bit down on her lip again, flinching just a touch as his tongue flicked over the most sensitive part of her body, causing her to moan out loud. She could feel those tingles returning, coming back to give her another wave of intense pleasure and she closed her eyes, her head thrown right back as his hands pushed her legs further apart, his tongue probing deeper, pushing harder, until she had no option left but to give in, to let it happen, her cries echoing around the white-tiled bathroom, her whole body shuddering with the most exquisite shivers, despite the fact she was probably the most uncomfortable she’d ever been during sex. She kept her eyes closed as those tingles slowly subsided and the shivers wore off, until she was left with nothing but the most beautiful feeling of calm. ‘You okay?’ She opened her eyes and smiled at him as he gently lifted her down, his arm staying firmly around her waist. ‘Oh, I’m just fine.’ He returned her smile, and she felt those stomach flips and those erratic heart beats and every other clich? in the book take over as he looked at her. She was sixteen all over again, in the arms of her handsome footballer, her first love; her world. She was sixteen all over again. ‘We’re really doing this, aren’t we?’ she whispered, stroking his cheek with her fingertips. He nodded, kissing her slowly, pulling her back inside that web she’d never quite managed to fully escape from. ‘We’re really doing this.’ She stared up into his eyes, cocking her head slightly. For so long, this man had been her life, and for a brief second or two she wondered what it could have been like if she’d tried harder to give others a chance and if she’d really tried to push him to the back of her mind in the way she should have done. Could she have made herself forget him? Could she have saved herself years – decades – of pain and heartache? Could she have stopped hating him for being the man she thought he was, when he didn’t really seem to be that man at all? ‘I love you, Amber.’ She blinked rapidly as his voice broke into her thoughts, his eyes staring deep into hers. ‘I know you do.’ ‘Do you? Baby, do you really believe that now, because…’ She put her fingers to his lips, shaking her head. ‘I’m not going to do anything that could mean I lose you again. I’m not going to do that. Because I love you, too, okay? I love you so much I can’t even think straight some days. And the thought of you…’ She looked down, watching as his hand caught hers, holding it tightly against his chest. ‘It’s just going to take time, that’s all.’ She raised her head slowly until her eyes once more met his. ‘Everything you kept from me, all the things you did when… when there was no need, Jim. We could have been together all those years ago if you’d just talked to me.’ Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/michelle-betham/final-score/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.