Morrissey’s Perfect Pint

Morrissey’s Perfect Pint Richard Fox Neil Morrissey The beer-fuelled book for blokes!The companion book to C4’s new series which follows Britain’s favourite badly behaved man and his best mate Richard Fox as they set up their own brewery and try to make a go of their laddish dreams.With this book they share their secrets to the truly important things in life: home-brewing, pub games, bloke jokes, anorak beer & pub trivia, drinking games that may or may not get you arrested, chat-up lines that may or may not get you slapped, beer recipes guaranteed to pull, where to find the best beer festivals and everything in between to make this a must have for every lad (or ladette’s) shed library.Neil and Richard’s wry sense of humour and beer credentials make this a hilarious and compulsive read whether in small sips or downed in one. Full of lists, factoids and quirky illustrations, this is the perfect gift for any beer fanatic. Morrissey’s Perfect Pint Neil Morrissey & Richard Fox Contents MORRISSEY MAXIM There’ll be plenty of time to drink Kaliber when you die. Introduction (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) ‘For a quart of ale is a dish for a king.’ The Winter’s Tale So Foxy and me are in this pub: the staff really wish we weren’t there, the beer tastes like badger poo, the food’s been through Abu Ghraib and the music is so loud our teeth are bleeding. I shout at Foxy, ‘Mate, it doesn’t have to be like this’, and the picture of the perfect pub floats into our minds. At this moment the idea is born to set up our own pub and brew our own beer in an on-site microbrewery. Bloke Heaven: beer, pub and home become one. ‘Fancy a pint?’ ‘Yep.’ ‘Love, just nipping downstairs. Be back in an hour …’ We need a different kind of pub now to the pulling joints of youth. Pulling is still on the cards, but in a more genteel way: tugging, let’s say. Pubs need to reflect our age and our desire for the three Qs: quality food, quality beer and quality service. This is what The Perfect Pint is all about. The problem is that our generation created the monster of the high street chain bar. It is exactly what we wanted when we were 18 (instead of those sticky carpet horror shows of the 70s and 80s) but the monster has escaped and killed every other kind of boozer in its path. The opportunity for beer drinking, as we now want to do it, is getting squeezed out by these characterless, sterile vomit hovels. At this point in our lives we want something different. Pubs are closing their doors at the rate of nearly 60 a week. But these ‘establishments’ where you get crap service, crap beer, crap wine, crap food, crap atmosphere and a crap fight at the end of the night are taking over the high street. Nothing about them has anything to do either with pubs or continental caf?s – they’re the spawn of corporate marketing departments interested in creating a template for ‘customer experience’. Britain’s attempt at sophisticated la-di-da caf? culture has replaced sticky carpets with sticky stripped wooden floors and cardboard food with cardboard canap?s. The pub’s evolution seems to have missed out a stage, the stage in which there is a place to drink, in a community, with decent local food and decent local beer. And good service! The plan, then, was simple: find a pub, buy it, renovate it to the way we want a pub to look, brew our own beer and cook great food. In other words, create the perfect pub serving the perfect pint. Of course, the logistics are staggering, it’s costing us an arm and a leg and there are no guarantees that the whole venture won’t go tits up. But we believe that people respond to quality, and that’s what we’re all about. Great beer, great food and a great atmosphere to drink and eat in. Our first attempt at a brew is described on page 15. While we were waiting for it to ferment, we decided to write down everything we love, hate, know and don’t know about beer, pubs, women and life. And drinking. Oh yes, drinking. This is the result – a beer book for blokes. Keep it in the little boys’ room. Beer (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Drinking The Pub Food ‘If God had intended us to drink beer,He would have given us stomachs.’ David Daye Beer in history (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Beer, when you get down to it, is about life. The kind of beer you drink (or don’t), where you drink it, the mates you drink it with, all define you more than your job or your clothes. Beer has a history and a culture that reaches right around the world and way back in time to Ancient Egypt and then some. It was with us at the dawn of civilisation and will be around until we end up in the gutter of this or another planet. But what do we know about it? Morrissey: Beer is the national drink of Britain, about the only thing that will always come in imperial measures (milk, petrol, anyone?) and thank God for that. And thank God for natural yeasts. Fermentation was probably discovered accidentally, when some stored grain got wet, thereby softening the kernel of the grain and allowing yeasts in the air to do their magic. Foxy: So beer is also, contrary to widespread opinion, the reason we’re civilised. The need to store grain to make beer led to settled communities, where the art of brewing was developed, and we could all get down to some serious drinking – excellent! M: Beer brewing, from barley, was actually well-established in Britain by the time the Romans got here in the first century ad. The Roman Emperor Julian thought beer smelt disgusting compared with wine – like ‘goat’ compared with ‘nectar’. Maximus Toolus we call him. Anyway, making wine was a no-no in Britain because of the climate which is much better suited to growing grains than grapes. It is to our eternal chagrin that it was Germans, in the form of colonising Anglo-Saxons, who brought the beer habit with them to England in the fifth century ad. The Germans! I suppose we should be grateful that it wasn’t the French. Anyway the Germans called it ‘ol’ or ‘ale’ and from about the sixth century beer, from the Latin word ‘biber’, meaning drink. F: I knew you had a good education. Right through the Dark and Middle Ages, making beer was quite rightly seen as an essential part of everyday life. It was safer than drinking water because it had been boiled, and provided nutrition in the form of carbohydrates and protein when food was scarce. Brewing was women’s work, and ‘alewives’ prepared the beer alongside the bread, until the 16th century, when commercial brewing and the influence of the Church prevailed. M: People don’t realize what a big part the Church played in the development of beer. They brewed beer to refresh pilgrims, and licensed binge drinking among rural folk to help them let off steam safely and raise money. Three-day sessions weren’t uncommon! Monasteries brewed untold amounts of ale and monks drank a skinful. The daily allowance for monks at Burton Abbey in the year 1004 was two gallons (16 pints) of ale! F: That explains why they took brewing to new heights of sophistication – they needed advanced techniques to guarantee copious amounts of quality product. The most significant development was the use of hops which gives beer its ‘bitter’ taste but, more importantly, preserves it. Dutch traders brought beer to Britain and by the 1520s was here to stay. The basic recipe of beer as we know it was created: barley, yeast, water and hops. M: Celebration ales were brewed to mark everything! ‘Bride-ales’ or ‘bridals’ (or ‘bridles’ if the wife-to-be was a bit of a horse) were made to celebrate weddings. They were brewed by the Lucky Lady herself, and sold to raise a dowry for the couple for whom, in those days, ‘life meant life’. Eye-weepingly strong ‘groaning-ales’ were fermented, often for seven or eight months, to help mothers-to-be through the painful birthing process – and the expectant fathers, of course. The baby was then often washed in the beer because … F: …it was safer than water! Recycled grain was used to make ‘small beer’, which was the piss-weak everyday stuff given to women and children and served at breakfast. The better stuff was given to farm-workers, prescribed by doctors, used in religious ceremonies and other celebrations. You didn’t need to have a drink problem to have a drink problem in those days. M: Which isn’t to deny that getting muntered was high on everybody’s agenda. Because there was no way to measure or control the alcoholic content, apart from re-brewing the grains to make ‘small beer’, ale was often wickedly strong. The eighth-century missionary, St Boniface, wrote that in Britain ‘the vice of drunkenness is too frequent. This is an evil peculiar to pagans and to our race. Neither the Franks nor the Gauls nor the Lombards nor the Romans nor the Greeks commit it.’ F: Interestingly, drinking from glasses didn’t occur until much later. People drank out of pigskin pitchers, horns and bowls which couldn’t be put down like a glass, so ‘down in one’ was common. Communal bowls were marked by pegs and pins, indicating where one customer’s portion of ale started and finished. Drinking more than your fair share became known as ‘taking someone down a peg or two’. One novelty of the late 17th century was the whistling tankard, which had a whistle at the bottom so you could call the landlord when you needed a top up! M: That’s one for the Innovations catalogue, methinks. Another change in the 17th century was a bit of a disaster. Because they were worried about losing revenue, the King and Parliament cut duties on gin to encourage people to drink it instead of French brandy. Imagine their surprise when this produced an epidemic of gin-necking which made today’s so-called binge drinking look like a tea dance in Rhyl. F: And gin in those days was the original rocket fuel, often over double the strength of today’s sophisticated aperitif. This had the unintended but gratifying effect of making beer drinking respectable by comparison. William Hogarth, the 18th century artist, made two engravings called Beer Street and Gin Lane that showed the former as an ordered, happy, pleasant environment and the latter as a horror-filled chaos. M: Like Harrogate on a Saturday night but actually much worse. The 18th century saw the big commercial brewers establish themselves and take most of the business from small, independent brewers who had been the backbone of British beer-making. Science helped with devices like the steam engine and hydrometer which allowed larger quantities to be brewed with greater precision. Also, better roads meant cheaper, mass-produced beer could be transported to places that had previously relied on alewives and alcoholic monks for their bevvy. F: Ah yes, science. In the 19th century Louis Pasteur dealt the small beer producers a double whammy when he grew yeast in the laboratory, meaning that brewers no longer had to rely on wild, airborne yeasts for fermentation. He also invented ‘pasteurisation’, which meant beer could be easily treated to stay fresh longer. Beer-remained a mainstay of the working man’s diet until well into the 20th century when food became more plentiful. Industrialisation also saw a drop in the demand for physical labour, which meant more machines powered by oil and less men fuelled by beer. The world changed, Neil. M: Indeed it did, Foxy. The invasion of bland German lagers, in the 60s, when TV advertising emerged and teenagers flexed their drinking muscles at the pub, saw a big decline in beer drinking, but there are signs of a comeback, with the growth of artisan breweries and specialist beers. It may not be the lifeblood of the nation, as it was in pre-industrial times, but it is still a vital part of life and undoubtedly our national drink. Cheers! Our first brew (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) So, how do you make it? Do you want to try? Honestly, you would not believe how easy it is to come up with a good brew. Seven days, a bit of kit, and a lot of patience is all you need. Look in the directory at the back of this book for a list of top suppliers. The stuff you can get these days is way ahead of the pot noodle in a bucket they sold back in the 70s. Here’s what you need. Brewing beer is as easy as cooking pasta. If you can boil a kettle and follow a recipe, you can make your own home-brew. The ingredients you need are: 1 Malt Malt is mostly made of barley. The barley will give the whole tone of the beer; it’s the canvas on which you paint your flavours. The colour of the beer is strongly linked to the malt from which it is made. 2 Hops Each type of hop adds a different level and variety of bitterness. Using more than one variety or type of hops add to the depth of flavour of the beer. 3 Yeast This is the ingredient that transforms the sugar in the wort (the liquid) into alcohol, so treat it with respect. 4 Liquor Traditional brewers call water ‘liquor’. And good liquor makes good beer. The most prized water contains happy balances of minerals, particularly calcium, and plays a vital part in brewing beer. At one time, Burton-upon-Trent was home to more than 200 breweries largely because the water supply made it ideal for the production of English ales. Breweries today can adjust almost any water supply to produce just the right balance of minerals. You’ll also need some basic equipment: 25-litre plastic bucket with lid (the mash tun); bottles and caps; hydrometer (for checking sugars and alcohol strength); thermometer; measuring jugs which can hold more than 20 litres; siphoning tube; fermentation bucket; sanitisers. Here’s our first brew recipe. And guess what, we thought it was fucking marvellous. Morrissey and Foxy’s Blonde Ale MAKES ABOUT 40 PINTS Method: Add 23 litres of water heated to 77°C to the mash tun. Allow the temperature to drop to 72°C and add both malts. Stir to form a thick porridge. Maintain temperature between 62°C and 69°C for 1? hours. Strain wort (the liquid) into a large pan very slowly. If the liquid is not clear, return to the mash tun and repeat until a clear wort is produced. Using a watering can, spray the leftover malt with water heated to 77°C. Continue to do this until a reading of 1005 is reached on the hydrometer. Top up the boiler to the desired level and heat to a rolling boil. Add the Styrian Golding and Fuggles hops and the Irish Moss. Boil vigorously for 1 hour. Add the Cascade hops and boil for a further 15 minutes. Cool very quickly and transfer the liquid only to the fermenting vessel. Add the dissolved yeast, cover and place in a cool (22°C degree) room for two days. Carefully siphon off the clear liquid into another fermenting vessel, leaving behind any flotsam and jetsam. Ferment for a further three or four days with an airtight lid. Siphon off the clear BEER and enjoy! Top tips for a special brew (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Like everything in life, there are rules and shortcuts that can make it all so much easier. Here come Morrissey and Foxy’s Top Tips for brilliant brewing. 1.Use High-Quality, Fresh Ingredients. Like everything else, you get what you pay for. Fresh ingredients make better home-brew. Simple. If you started with dry yeast, move up to liquid yeast. Store the ingredients properly. Most will go off over time so use them up quickly. You know what that means? More Beer! 2.Do your Homework. Making a decent home-brew is a craft, and the more experienced you become, the better the beer. Browse the internet for advice on techniques, find a local artisan brewer (there will be one) and pester them until they take out a restraining order. Whether their beer is good, bad or ugly, they’ll know some mistakes to avoid, and possibly have gems of advice to scatter your way. Check out some of the top beer books which are easy to find these days. Basically turn into a beer bore. 3.Keep it Clean. Proper cleaning is essential if you want to make really good beer. Anything that is going to come into contact with your beer needs to be spotless, so keep your kit sterilised. If you don’t, bacteria and other infections will get a grip and spoil your brew. Don’t end up with a pint of ‘Olde Thrushe’. The period just before fermentation is when beer is at its most vulnerable. See the Directory page 145 for specialist cleaners. 4.Cool the Wort Quickly. Cooling your wort quickly will reduce the chance of bacterial infection – placing its container in a sink filled with cold water and ice cubes will do the job. Though contamination isn’t harmful, it can make the beer taste and smell like road kill. 5.Amounts and temperatures. In addition to doing your homework, there’ll be a certain amount of trial and error with ingredients and processes. To start with, try to follow the recipe guidelines closely. At least you can blame someone else if it doesn’t work. After a few batches, however, you’ll find out what works best and what’s total bollocks. 6.Buy long-term Kit. If you are new to brewing, you’ll probably buy an off-the-shelf kit to get started. Nothing wrong with that. If you like brewing (and you will), make the next stage up count. Get some decent kit that will last you in the long-term, rather than something you’re going to have to trade up from next year. Speak to the experts (see page 145) or your brewing Yoda. They’ll point you in the right direction. Beer glossary (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Adjuncts Beer-making term for starch other than from malted barley or wheat, such as corn starch, rice or sugar. A source of fermentable sugars in cheaper beers. Barrel A unit of measurement. In Britain, a barrel holds 36 gallons. In the USA, a barrel holds 31.5 US gallons (considerably less). Brew Kettle Vessel used in the brewing process, to heat the wort. Bright Tasting term used to describe a beer's brilliance and clarity. Filtration Beer is normally filtered to remove dead yeast cells and other insoluble particles to achieve a brilliantly clear finished beer. Many ales are ‘live’ and unfiltered. Finish Beer-tasting term describing how long the flavour of a beer lingers on the palate after swallowing. Longer is generally better. Grain One of the four ingredients of beer along with water, yeast and hops. Grain is a generic term for barley, wheat and other cereal crops used in beer making. Grist Beer-making term for the milled grain to be used in fermentation. Hogshead Traditional unit of measurement: a cask holding 54 gallons. Lauter Tun A piece of brewing equipment, the tun filters the mostly liquid wort from the solid mash. Liquor: The quality of the water that is used to brew is an important factor in the flavour of the beer. Brewers refer to the water they work with as ‘liquor’. Mash The mash is the mixture of malt and water. Pasteurisation Heating of beer to 60-79°C to stabilise it microbiologically. Pils (Pilsener) Style of bottom-fermented light-coloured beer with a very pronounced taste of hops. Porter A very dark, top-fermented beer first brewed in London in the 18th century. Sparge To spray grist with hot water to remove soluble sugars (maltose). This takes place at the end of the mash. Trappist Ale Produced in Belgium by just six registered monastic breweries, who together make up membership of the ‘International Trappist Association’. Trappist ales are characterised by the use of special yeast strains and sugars in their production. Wort The liquid extract that is created from the mash. This sugary liquid is then fermented into beer. (Pronunciation is key with this one – a very heavy roll on the ‘r’ is required.) Zymurgy The science of beer brewing. ‘I’ll have a pint of …’ (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Once you’ve sparged your wort (trickled water through it to extract the sugars), drained your mash tun and let your yeast go wild, you can bottle your beautiful brew up and look forward to hours of lovely drinking. But don’t forget that, while supping away, you need to give the liquid a name. We’re not talking about ‘Tis Our Own’ or anything crap like that. For beer you need earthy, bestial names to make your fellow drinkers proud of the beer’s heritage. Dog Bolter • Happy New Beer • Rudolph’s Revenge Seriously Bad Elf • Daggy Sheep • Old Legover Bishop’s Finger • Dizzy Dick • Another Fine Mess Buddy Confusing • Dark Vader • Old Pants Down Cojones • Big Black Handful • Old Pig’s Bottom Daggy Pig • Sticky Tacky Tackle • Piddle in the Sun Milk the Stout Nipple • Research • Bugger MeThis • That • Pokey Old Hole • Dead Badger Olde Speckled Wart • Olde Dribbly Bottom Stick-on Beard • Olde Twig • Big Milky Gibbet Arsehole • Kneehammer • Office PartyOlde Flibbertigibbet • The Usual Some non-alcoholic beer names If you’re teetotal, well, first of all, fair play to you for getting this book; second, you’re allowed to call – gulp – non-alcoholic beers imaginative names too. Here are some of the ones we came up with. Why? • Get A Life • Limp • Olde Dull Maid Sensible • PG • Old Zzzzzzzz Types of beer (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) How was it for you? We took our first brew out onto the streets of Yorkshire to check and it went down a storm. One thing you learn pretty quickly is how different each brew can turn out – especially if you’re making small quantities at home. You also learn the vast range of beer types you can choose from. Check out our list of home-brew suppliers in the directory at the back. Beer is a brown drink with a foamy head, or a piss-coloured, fizzy drink called lager, right? Wrong. There are as many types of beer as there are types of women – more even. Here’s our guide to some of the tastiest, foxiest and downright psycho … Belgian ‘wild’ beers Really crazy beers, with fermentation being left to ‘wild’ yeasts in the air – just like in days of yore. Whereas modern breweries are cleaner than a nun’s panties, these Belgian ‘Lambic’ brewers go more for the British hospital approach to hygiene. Windows are left open, moulds encouraged to fester – anything to get those free-thinking yeasts in to have their way with the brew. The beer equivalent of an orgy – takes place spontaneously, with random partners; you never quite know what the outcome will be. Wheat beers Also often called ‘white’ to confuse things. This fresh and feisty style is another Belgian classic, a great thirst quencher – better than cheap, lager piss by a country mile. Often cloudy (hence ‘white’), the husk of wheat make it a tricky little customer for the brewer and it often clogs the brewing vessels. Foxy little blonde – easy, a bit thick, but fresh as you like and liable to leave you wanting more on a hot summer’s day. Porters and stouts Dark, heavy beers that get their burnt fruit flavour from the roasting of malts at high temperatures. Thick, gooey beers – think Guinness, think Beamish with knobs on. Sadly porters are not much around today, though obviously popular in Ireland – and Alaska for some reason. Strong, dark, body and creamy head is an acquired taste not easily forgotten! Celtic beers At this point a word or two about our Celtic friends in Ireland and Scotland is probably in order. Without wanting to give a history lesson, it’s worth noting a few differences in brewing, which have left a beer legacy in these fine countries today. It was a Celtic tradition to use bittering herbs like heather, cereals and fruits to flavour the beer, because hops were difficult to grow, and expensive to import from southern England. Even if you could overcome the shame of it. Small breweries have revived this practice and their beers are proving very popular with the punters and beer writers alike. Pine cones and seaweed are among the ingredients being used to give a unique Caledonian tang to today’s beers. And not just because they’re free. Shilling One of the things an English beer drinker will notice when entering the land of kilts and free prescriptions is how much the Scots go on about England and the English. Another thing is the need for a whole new vocabulary at the pump – the language of shillings. No, this is not a cheap joke about wallets and cobwebs. At your average Scottish bar, you’ll have the choice of a pint of 60/– or 70/–. Perhaps an 80/– or 90/– if you’re feeling adventurous. These shilling (‘/–’) categories reflect the prices charged for a barrel of beer in the 19th century. The stronger the beer, the more it cost, hence 60/-, 70/-, 80/– and 90/–. Just to make things easy, these categories were also known as ‘light’, ‘heavy’, ‘export’ and ‘wee heavy’, with ‘wee heavy’ being the strongest, as well as the easiest to make a joke from. The shilling names fell out of favour but were revived in the 70s, and we think they’re great. McCheers! Can be heavy-going, but will keep you warm in winter. Dark Irish beers In Ireland, Guinness is a national icon, up there with James Joyce and Roy Keane. Yet a lot of people don’t know that the origins of the big G are in a dark beer popular with the porters at Covent Garden market in London. When this was exported to Dublin, Arthur Guinness decided to take on the challenge, and he did like a challenge. In the early days bg (Before Guinness), when Dublin authorities threatened to cut off his water supply, he threatened to pickaxe the gang who came to dry him out. You didn’t mess with Arthur. Anyway, so successful was he at brewing ‘porter’, or Dublin Stout as it became known in Ireland, that he switched his entire beer production to it in 1799, and the rest is definitely history. It’s not all Guinness though, oh no. There’s another strand of brewing in Ireland that has been making a bit of a comeback recently and that’s Irish ales, or Irish red ales. These get their name from the reddish hue produced by roasting small quantities of barley in the brewing process – it’s very popular with beer connoisseurs. Definitely good for you, with a strong body and frothy top! American artisan beers We Brits took beer with us when we colonised America. Then immigrants from Germany brought their lager styles to the Yanks. Now the trad Brit styles are making a comeback in the States, with artisan brewers – from the West Coast to the East – producing everything from strong, so-called ‘barley wines’ to savoury brown ales (like our Newcastle Brown). A marriage made in heaven – strong British roots and American savvy. Pull one of these and you won’t regret it. German beers Though they do produce their own ‘sour’ beers, the Germans are rightly best known for inventing the lager – named after the lagering (‘bedding’) method of bottom-fermenting beer (as opposed to ale, which is generally top-fermenting beer)! There are loads of different types of lager made all over the world, not just the cheap piss beloved of British city-centre pubs. It is one hell of a drink when done properly (‘hell’ meaning ‘light-coloured’ or ‘fair’ being the German word of choice to describe the golden brew). Ice-cool blonde. May appear common, but worth bedding for a while to fully appreciate. Fruit beers Nothing to do with the cherry-on-a-stick brigade. Beers have been flavoured with fruit for centuries – raspberry, apricot, cherry and peach are favourites and are popular with those wildly experimental Belgian Lambic brewers and also American microbrewers. The fruit balances the acidity and acts as a thirst quencher. More disturbingly, some brewers use vegetables like pumpkin and chilli to give their brews a kick. Now that’s just confusing. Colourful, though may be just a little tart. MORRISSEY MAXIM A great pub is like your best mate – familiar, comforting and a bit smelly. Spit or swallow: Morrissey and Foxy’s guide to beer tasting (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Why taste beer? If you think brewing your own is a step too far towards wearing hairy jumpers and having a twiggy beard, why not get a load of different beers in and have a tasting session with some mates? (Do this at home, not at the pub – you’ll look like a complete twat.) The point of brewing your own is that you are in control of the taste. By finding out what flavours and styles of beer appeal, you open your mind and mouth to some of the 5,000 or so different brands of beer you can get in the UK at the moment. So when people say ‘I don’t drink beer, only lager’, we say, ‘Yes, you do drink beer – lager’s a beer. You’re halfway there. Now, come on, take a look along that bar, past the chemical piss. See those pumps? Go on!’ When you were a teenager you didn’t say, ‘No long trousers for me, I’ll stick with the shorts, thanks.’ We change – tastes change. It’s in the interest of some hefty marketing budgets that we Keep Drinking The Same Thing, but we don’t have to do as we’re told. There’s a whole world of beer out there, just waiting to be discovered. Some of it you’ll hate, some you wouldn’t bother with again, but one or two you might like. Then love. Then search for more. Why deny yourself the pleasure? You may have been drinking the same pint for 20 years, but it’s never too late to try other things. A lot of this is about drinking for flavour as opposed to drinking because it’s coloured blue and it gets you off your tits when you’ve had seven of them. Get drunk on something decent. Let’s have fun, but quality fun. The tasting session When you taste something you are excited by, ask yourself, ‘Why? What’s the thing in that beer that makes my trousers tingle?’ When someone buys you a beer and you don’t like it, do the same thing – what is it about that beer that makes you think of snogging your granny? So, get the beers you want to try and read the labels to find out what’s the best temperature to drink them at. The cooler the beer, though, the less flavour and smell it gives off. There’s a reason that some lager is supercold: it tastes like Chernobyl water at anything other than lip-freezing temperatures. 1 Pour into a wine glass. Have a look at the colour of the beer by holding it against a sheet of white paper or a white cloth. Most beer (except wheat beers) should be clear. If not, something may have gone wrong at the processing stages and some rubbish has slipped in. Chuck the beer down the khazi if that’s the case. 2 Swirl. Hold the glass by the stem and examine the colour for shade and intensity. 3 Smell. You’ll get some initial smells, which you should shout out very quickly – all of the impressions you get are valid. Remember what gives trouser action from the smell. Try different words until you nail the smell. There are some ideas in the Flavour Wheel (page 29) but have a go at saying what comes into your head first of all. 4 Taste. Finally, get some beer into your mouth. Swill the glass and take a sip; get some air in your mouth at the same time as this will help get more flavours out. Try not to breathe in too hard or you’ll choke – just a tip. Swirl the beer round so all of your mouth gets a taste. Make ridiculous noises, puff your cheeks out – do anything that helps move the beer around and gets it going. The more you do, the more tastes you’ll get. Keep a mental note of what you get – don’t shout out as your mates won’t be happy with a faceful of gobby beer. When you swallow, try to breathe out through your nose. This will increase the flavour extraction. If beer comes out of your nose, you’ve done it wrong. ‘Dead badger on the motorway’ or ‘twig in autumn leaves and fox do’, perhaps gentle ‘rose petals with a hint of Glade fruits of the forest’? Whatever works for you … Beer tasting words If you’re really serious you can write down your reactions. Here’s a list of things ‘professional’ beer tasters (bugger of a job) write down when they taste a brew. Appearance Things to note are colour, how long the head lasts for, presence or absence of ‘floaties’ … Smell Someone who knows about this stuff said that your perception of it is dulled after about four sniffs – so make the most of each one. It can be broken down into three entirely separate parts: aroma, bouquet and odour. Aroma comes from the malt, grain, and anything produced by the fermentation. Aromas that come from the malt and grain are often described as nutty, sweet, grainy and malty. The fresh, earthy quality of malted barley combined with the bitter, apparently antiseptic aroma of hops gives the beer its aroma. Is there a strong hop or a faint hop smell? Is there a malt character? Is it full or light? Bouquet comes entirely from the hops. Stick your nose in the glass straight after pouring to discover the bouquet as it evaporates quickly. Different hop varieties contribute different qualities to the bouquet, and some may not be appropriate for some styles. Terms used to describe the hop aroma include herbal, pine, floral, resin and spice. Odour is only remarked on (in beer-tasting circles, don’t you know) if there’s something wrong. It’s the equivalent of the ‘floaty’ when you look at the beer, or a fart in a lift. Skunkiness is apparently a favourite word here. Other words are butter, sulphury, cooked vegetable, fishy, oily and chlorine. Taste This is the moment we’re all here for. There are three stages to taste – front, middle and finish. This has nothing to do with where you taste different things on your tongue but the taste as you drink – from sip to swallow. One good tip is only to swallow as much as will cover your tongue – that way all parts (and taste categories – sweet, sour, salty, bitter and umami – (the Japanese word for savoury) are noticeable. Other questions the pros ask include: Is the hop taste and the malt taste in the right mixture? Is the body full or thin? What happens after you’ve swallowed – does the taste stick around for a while? This is called the length … a good beer, like so many things, will have length … Twelve other uses for beer When the lady of the house says she can’t get her salad in the fridge because of all the beers, use this guide to convince her that a Beer’s Not Just For Drinking – It’s For Life. Of course it’s mostly bollocks, but then again … 1. Beer bath Sounds too good to be true? The latest craze in some European spas is sitting in a tub of beer for half an hour. Beer contains a vitamin B complex that is great for the skin, apparently. And the hops in beer relax the body. 2. Washing hair Are you having trouble with your runaway barnet? Washing your hair with beer will make it softer and give it more body. Every bloke’s dream when you think about it. ‘What’s that smell?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been washing my hair.’ Even works for slapheads, but remember to keep your mouth open. 3. Fire extinguisher OK – not a REAL one. And definitely not electrical fires – shocking. But give it a shake and it will put out small fires. Like from the grill. ‘Which is why we should keep some in the fridge at all times, darling.’ 4. Lawn care Get rid of those brown spots – spray them with beer! The fermented sugars in ale kill fungi. So when you spill a can while sitting in the garden you’re ‘conditioning the lawn’. 5. Loosen rusty bolts ‘Why are you out here in the garage drinking again?’ ‘Drinking? I’m applying beer to these bike parts, because the carbonation will get rid of the rust. When that’s done I’ll cycle to the offie for more of this wonder cure!’ 6. Stop snoring Simply put a can in a sock and attach it to the back of a T-shirt with a safety pin. Put on before staggering to bed. The can will stop you sleeping on your back, which will reduce your nocturnal emissions. Well some of them. And use a can, not a bottle. No, I’m not nagging you. Well, if you’d only listen. 7. Mouse killer It’s best to use ‘Value Lager’ for this. Fill a bucket about a third of the way up and lean a piece of wood against the side, so the mice can climb to the top, sniff the beer and jump in. Still a spectator sport in some parts of Eastern Europe, we’re told. 8. Getting rid of a kidney stone Nasty little buggers, kidney stones. Still, if you’ve got one, beer can open up the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder, making it easier to pass. Cranberry juice works well too, but have you tasted it? Also alcohol numbs the pain. Doesn’t it just? 9. Calming a (mild) stomach-ache This is great. The carbonated beer will help settle your stomach and the alcohol content reduces any pain. Beer – the cure to all our problems! 10. Scale fish Attach four bottle tops to a piece of wood so the lips are facing out. Scrape the fish, but away from you if you don’t want to end up looking like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. 11. Marinate meat Next time your Better Half is soaking some meat in dry white wine, soak yours in some gutsy beer. They both tenderise the meat, but we know which one will taste better. 12. Polishing furniture Rub your wooden furniture with a cloth soaked in flat beer. It will polish it and make it look like new. Another good one if caught armed with ale in the garden at ‘Beer Zero’ time (Drinktionary, page 72). Beer and your body (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Let’s face it, the primary purpose of beer is to induce pleasures of many kinds. But let’s not forget that these pleasures bring perils to the poor human body. Everything has a cost (even if you’re only 20 and haven’t found that out yet – look at your dad). Remember, moderation in all things is wise and, if you can’t quite manage it, then these are some of the consequences. Let’s take a scientific look at: Farting – beer does unblock the old wind tunnel. When they introduced the smoking ban in Scotland, certain things became apparent that had long been hidden. One man was barred from a pub because of his stinky bottom burps. It turns out that he’d been sitting in the same pub for over ten years, night after night, producing noxious odours, but no one had noticed because of the smell of smoke. On his way out of the pub, some of the following phrases may have been shouted after him – all of them in the best possible taste. Cut the cheese • Crack a rat • Step on a duck Stink burger • Ass blaster • Toilet tune Silent but deadly • Poop gas • Steamer • Rip one Let one fly • Uncorked symphony • Let one go Backdoor breeze • Pop a fluffy • Kill the canary Gas attack • Jockey burner • Cut loose • Nose death Backfire • Stink bomb • Gas blaster • Odorama Bun shaker • Tail wind • Sphincter song Lethal cloud • Crowd splitter • Bean blower Moon gas • What the dog did • Burnin’ rubber Anal volcano • Foul howl • Fog slicer • Odourbubble • Air bagel • Roast the jockeys Squeak one out • Gas master • Spit a brick • Lay a wind loaf The toothless one speaks Tackle issues – we all think we’re God’s Gift after a certain point in the evening (see The beer drinker’s guide to romance and seduction page 57), but, let’s face it, the beer can do bad things to your ladies’ friend. If you break the ten-pint barrier, you may find yourself: Singing with Flacido Domingo Sticking spaghetti in the parking meter Giving coin to the fuck beggar In the county of Wiltshire Limping with intent Taking the gold at the flaccid Olympics Lighting a damp firework Trying to wake Sleeping Beauty without a kiss Starring in Deadwood In the cold meats’ section With Ascension Deficit Disorder Welcomed to Flaccid City. Population: You Trying to fill a cone with Mister Softee Turning off the lights before the party At Viagra Falls Getting fanny fright In possession of a Vegan erection Graduating from Limp Dick University with honours With soggy cashew nut syndrome Gentlemen’s toilet – there’s a rule that has to be observed early on in a sesh: take as long as possible before you ‘break the seal’. As soon as you go once, you’ll not stop all night. Best to cross your legs and hang on to your water, then you’ll have more beer time. Skin – if you drink a lot of beer your body dehydrates, which is great for giving you that rugged, craggy, sunburnt look that is apparently such a hit with the ladies … Brain – turns to mush. You think you’re a suave, seductive genius while actually you’re shouting loudly about pants and dribbling from the side of your mouth. In the morning, your brain will be twice its natural size and screaming to get out of your skull – welcome to Hangover Land; just turn right after The Top Shelf (see Drinktionary, page 72). Legs – aside from the immediate ‘legs made of overcooked pasta’ display as you leave the pub, long-term heavy drinking can give you GOUT. If you thought that was a disease that, like smallpox, was killed off so many centuries ago, think again. Gout is alive and well and living in the big toe of the resident bar-propper at your local. Hands – if you think the global economy is shaky, try lighting a match after a week-long bender. Beach physique – as you hit a certain point in your life, no matter how often you get off the bus a stop early, the inches keep creeping on to your waistline. Your once-perfect physique (maintained regardless of how many chip butties and pints you threw down your neck) is starting to bulge. Welcome to middle-aged spread. Pints of beer help it along nicely; if you get very good at it, your stomach can get big enough (and near enough) to rest your pint on without danger of spillage. MORRISSEY MAXIM Treat your woman like your beer – pump her gently but firmly until she’s got a good head on her. Your good health, sir (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) We all know that beer is good for you but we would never claim any of the following. These may not stand up in court, but ‘researchers’, i.e. scientists, have said that these things are TRUE. Are they having a laugh? Beer can increase your ability to make rational decisions. Seriously. So next time you grab your keys at the end of a long sesh, screech out of the pub car park and into a lurking police car, you can explain to the unhappy officer that you were following the advice of Canadian researchers who claimed that your decision-making was improved by drinking beer. Students! BEER MAKES YOU BRAINY. ‘Researchers’ (yes, them again) claim that people who consumed anywhere between one and 30 (like the scale!) drinks a week were brainier in tests than teetotallers … stick that in your pint of Why? Beer Drinkers will eventually become immortal. ‘Research’ shows that beer makes your heart fitter by stretching your arteries, which means you live longer and can drink more. Which means Beer Drinkers WILL RULE THE WORLD. Your round, I think … What’s more, Italian researchers say that beer stops you going to the shops in your pyjamas when you’re older. You can stay in the pub, alert, suave and sophisticated, while the abstemious ones get carted off to the Piss and Dribble Home. Beer keeps you regular. Two pints contain twenty per cent of your required daily fibre intake. You can get ahead by drinking ten pints a day. Real ales contain Vitamin B, which will combat the effects of alcohol – IT ACTUALLY STOPS YOU GETTING A HANGOVER! As we sit here and write this, our rational decision-making is also being improved. Cheers. Pint trivia (#ua2ac3b9c-eccf-501d-9d2e-31888e8db607) Did you know? No, of course you didn’t; but then neither did we … so here it is. Beer words and phrases Did you know that when you describe something as ‘ropey’ or use a ‘rule of thumb’ you are using brewing words? Ropey – if you think something is not up to scratch then you may call it ‘a bit shit’ or ‘ropey’. That comes from strands of bacteria floating in infected beer – fit only for the drain or the Stella pump. Rule of Thumb – before brewers had a thermometer to check the temperature at different stages of the brewing process, they used to stick their thumb in to see whether the brew was at the right level. This was called the ‘rule of thumb’. Mind Your Ps and Qs – We have it on good authority (see Talking Shit, page 107) that the ‘Ps and Qs’ in question are pints and quarts. When things got a bit messy after three solid days drinking at your 18th-century hostelry, the landlord would shout ‘Mind your pints and quarts’ as a way of reminding his faithful (if completely oblivious) customers that, if they were too rowdy, they might spill their drink. Three Sheets to the Wind – is a sailor’s expression, from the days of sailing ships. The terminology of sailing ships is excessively complicated and, every time I refer to it, people say I’ve got it wrong, usually contradicting each other. So treat what follows as a broad-brush treatment, open to dispute on the fine points. We ignorant landlubbers might think that a sheet is a sail, but, in traditional sailing-ship days, a sheet was a rope, particularly one attached to the bottom corner of a sail (it actually comes from an Old English term for the corner of a sail). The sheets were vital, since they trimmed the sail to the wind. If they ran loose, the sail would flutter about in the wind and the ship would wallow off its course out of control. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/neil-morrissey/morrissey-s-perfect-pint/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.