Overheard

Overheard Mark Love Jacqui Saunders Conversations from the buses, boardrooms and bars of BritainThink you've heard it all before? Think again with this hilarious collection of conversations from around Britain, overheard at tourist hotspots, in queues, at work and on public transport.Packed full of verbal wit and gags it is guaranteed to get people talking and remember the stupid things that they have overheard.MicrocosmA tired looking mother stands hands on hips in the play park watching her two young children tumble in the dirt.MOTHER:(shouting)Jordan! Syria! Play nice!Casanova on the 137A young Casanova is chattin' on his mobile, while sitting on a bus.CASANOVA:I am so glad you called sweet. Yeaaaahh. Girl I ain't sitting on no bus. I'm here, driving, yeah? Yeah, well you soon see it girl. You gonna come out with me tonight? Cooool. I'm sooo glad you called yeah? I was thinking 'bout you…let's meet up…where? Okay I'll take you there…Yeah I'll take you there girl. I won't bring my wheels if we'ze going there. Thas alright. Thas alright…I'll be there. What's your name girl..? I know what your name is girl, I want you to spell it. Donna, Dana! D-a-n-a yeah? I knew that. I am sooo glad you called yeah? I was thinking 'bout you.A hilarious record of what people really do say. Watch out-you never know who might be listening! Overheard conversations from the buses, boardrooms and bars of Britain Mark Love & Jacqui Saunders Table of Contents Cover Page (#u8c10217a-11f3-5690-b671-bd4284de9b2c) Title Page (#u85ec43d5-2303-5498-8554-bd590e65ea65) Introduction (#ufee09b2f-37b7-5437-abd0-cab39c398f8e) Toy Story (#u5ee70979-1399-5eea-a7b4-1958c4f8e502) Zip It (#u3d98a57a-3f8f-5468-88a9-03c7a07b7317) The Heroic Potato (#ue1c96681-7c3f-53f7-a0fc-446e9e0253f2) The Speculators (#ua7afed15-9b86-5d6b-98ed-4ff2edf75a5c) The Grieving Process (#u5439e694-3e38-5a6f-a88c-0de207e2e708) The Fablus Flautist (#u9fd3f1a0-0ce6-599a-8c4f-2b075c534e0f) The Ear Complaint (#ud4708771-9d9c-5ce2-b060-4ba7e4ba827a) Yorkshire Watter (#u9a3603f1-c917-510c-a853-b89b656e8f75) You can’t cheat yer Nan (#u4bf2359e-ee9c-508d-a611-bf3bc401c124) Year Zero (#u489a82c3-e83b-5b94-b1b2-8440a2634140) The Dry-Cleaner (#uf827e438-ef4f-56b1-9af4-e7d569a3554a) The Crunch (#u4260ee7f-d5e1-5536-a7dc-c82609cd16ea) Would You? (#u15b9b055-0583-5b3c-b204-db0b4f1d33a8) The Communication Age (#ud31c8019-5088-51a4-9776-eaf3b68362a7) The School Trip (#u1cba6c5c-5911-5c5f-a275-9c037826455a) The Comedic Properties of Fruit (#u9cdd49f1-ba28-5d2d-9a7e-a3377331f968) Winsor (#ua8d58bed-3c1c-5436-bc43-d1330ef006a8) The Chocolate Teapot (#u563f9623-b911-58b2-b1bb-7e8e042103af) Why? (#u8aeb3695-00c3-5e41-b4f6-d2b563fd56ad) Reclassifying the Kids (#u8bd28ffa-208e-54f6-9752-162ee555fc19) The Art of Luvvy (#u4de600a4-8042-5092-a442-8bf7c2d970b1) Wolves (#u3970d1a7-952d-57a4-93e5-26f1c17c779b) Telegraph Road (#ua6498bdd-37a6-5bf3-b803-20517627f8e5) Stranger in Town (#u74842013-687f-5295-b55d-88002333ec44) ‘Spolicy (#u90cb8a57-c467-568a-9464-e975f1b9d5b7) The Man Who Has Everything (#u503ede32-b1a7-5f3b-8564-0ff458412c27) Snappy Shopper (#ud7cf29db-5086-5660-befd-db0f800c829f) The Washing-line of Hope (#u0f86ca3a-e727-5346-83f9-142782e5379b) Scusting (#u197ef11c-8b80-5457-a61d-b6ff982067f4) Memorable Elephants (#uf37dd3ad-28e3-5fd7-bbe9-3f45c8d98c82) The Endless Queue (#ub0637156-f861-52dd-80f7-46499ba22b0b) Two Birds Having It Off (#u84f6a33b-6f52-5a5b-b2f1-3bd0aff407f2) Multicultural, innit? (#u334b470f-692d-58f2-8572-5d3702337501) The Hot Date (#u085ae943-4e0a-5e7a-9b21-5eb630b71ca3) S&M in the High Street (#uc11d6034-818f-55af-8dde-16b998029915) Romance (#u486194eb-9a0a-589e-82c9-2a970e9bdf16) Rice (#uaf1204f0-4efb-5cfd-a6d5-1d33dcefa331) Taking Stock (#uf2a8a205-ae7e-5ab7-a178-37386648fa96) Public Inconvenience (#ueaddae05-ef72-5604-a884-a6ddcb0291c6) Controversy (#u0d8d379f-41a0-5189-917d-cf121b24df76) Potty (#litres_trial_promo) Parenthood (#litres_trial_promo) Over-inflated (#litres_trial_promo) Not the Done Thing (#litres_trial_promo) Nah, Mate! (#litres_trial_promo) Mothers (#litres_trial_promo) The Celebrity and the Portaloo (#litres_trial_promo) Tourist Information (#litres_trial_promo) Jimmy Scumbag’s Report (#litres_trial_promo) Man’s Best Friend (#litres_trial_promo) Tea? Coffee? (#litres_trial_promo) Innocence (#litres_trial_promo) Maltesers (#litres_trial_promo) History Repeating Itself (#litres_trial_promo) Mad as a Bee (#litres_trial_promo) Goths (#litres_trial_promo) Arsebergers (#litres_trial_promo) It’s the Thought That Counts (#litres_trial_promo) Learning by Example (#litres_trial_promo) Fast Food (#litres_trial_promo) It Takes Me Back (#litres_trial_promo) Esmerelda (#litres_trial_promo) Good Genes ain’t Everything (#litres_trial_promo) A Building Term (#litres_trial_promo) Giving Direction (#litres_trial_promo) Battery-powered (#litres_trial_promo) Generation XXX (#litres_trial_promo) Balham? (#litres_trial_promo) Gazebo (#litres_trial_promo) Dullest Cat Food Story in the World (#litres_trial_promo) Front or Back Bottom? (#litres_trial_promo) Death of a Hamster (#litres_trial_promo) Finding Sense (#litres_trial_promo) Don’t Go There (#litres_trial_promo) Focking Americans! (#litres_trial_promo) Bounced (#litres_trial_promo) Conditioning (#litres_trial_promo) Cheese People (#litres_trial_promo) As if! (#litres_trial_promo) Chalk (#litres_trial_promo) Casanova on the 137 (#litres_trial_promo) Biting Jelly (#litres_trial_promo) Dimensions (#litres_trial_promo) Cannon Balls-up (#litres_trial_promo) A Good Investment (#litres_trial_promo) No Great Shakes (#litres_trial_promo) Greek (#litres_trial_promo) Pity (#litres_trial_promo) Care in the Community (#litres_trial_promo) Where You Hide Yourself (#litres_trial_promo) Offender Profile (#litres_trial_promo) Unexpected Delivery (#litres_trial_promo) The Birthday Buddy (#litres_trial_promo) Undersize Me (#litres_trial_promo) Caff? Americano (#litres_trial_promo) Man’s Other Best Friends (#litres_trial_promo) Objects of Desire (#litres_trial_promo) Business (#litres_trial_promo) Scaring the Extras (#litres_trial_promo) A Mother’s Lament (#litres_trial_promo) A Really Swish Showhome (#litres_trial_promo) Glee Club (#litres_trial_promo) Brazil Nuts (#litres_trial_promo) Trouble with Snails (#litres_trial_promo) Tough Love (#litres_trial_promo) The Tourists (#litres_trial_promo) Boys Will Be… (#litres_trial_promo) The Naturalist’s Needs (#litres_trial_promo) A Higher Power (#litres_trial_promo) Boing! (#litres_trial_promo) Too Much Information (#litres_trial_promo) There! (#litres_trial_promo) Salt of the Earth to Planet Boyfriend (#litres_trial_promo) The Important Stuff (#litres_trial_promo) A Traveller’s Tale (#litres_trial_promo) Come Together (#litres_trial_promo) Catch 23 (#litres_trial_promo) Andy’s Do (#litres_trial_promo) Another Woman (#litres_trial_promo) Memories (#litres_trial_promo) Americans in London (#litres_trial_promo) Meat (#litres_trial_promo) Bliss (#litres_trial_promo) Microcosm (#litres_trial_promo) Enough Underwear (#litres_trial_promo) Bad Medicine (#litres_trial_promo) Bacteria (#litres_trial_promo) Into the Wild (#litres_trial_promo) Gu?ntanamo (#litres_trial_promo) The Stuff of Dreams (#litres_trial_promo) Guests (#litres_trial_promo) Cool (#litres_trial_promo) A Simple Truth (#litres_trial_promo) A Cracking Bit of Cheese (#litres_trial_promo) Haggling (#litres_trial_promo) The Inheritance (#litres_trial_promo) A Generous Helping (#litres_trial_promo) The Suspect (#litres_trial_promo) The Actor Who Couldn’t (#litres_trial_promo) Teutonic Plates (#litres_trial_promo) A Song for Pyewacket (#litres_trial_promo) Tara’s Terror (#litres_trial_promo) Snippets from a Six-Year-Old (#litres_trial_promo) School’s Out (#litres_trial_promo) Sculptures (#litres_trial_promo) Burning Bright (#litres_trial_promo) Not Being Minnie Driver (#litres_trial_promo) Expressing Creativity (#litres_trial_promo) The Alison Technique (#litres_trial_promo) The Grass Being Greener (#litres_trial_promo) Mixed Messages (#litres_trial_promo) Milk with Three (#litres_trial_promo) Bladdy Tourists! (#litres_trial_promo) Jeffrey & the Tramp (#litres_trial_promo) Jessica’s News (#litres_trial_promo) Royal Insecurity (#litres_trial_promo) The Lost Aisle (#litres_trial_promo) Stripping Off (#litres_trial_promo) So, Do You Know Liam? (#litres_trial_promo) Ageing Michelle (#litres_trial_promo) Fashionable (#litres_trial_promo) Culture (#litres_trial_promo) RSVP (#litres_trial_promo) Santi (#litres_trial_promo) Taking Direction from Stanley Kubrick (#litres_trial_promo) The Bottom Line (#litres_trial_promo) The Muralist’s Tales (#litres_trial_promo) The Phantom Pregnancy (#litres_trial_promo) Two Very Different Travellers (#litres_trial_promo) Mental Lentils (#litres_trial_promo) In a Hole (#litres_trial_promo) Fruit (#litres_trial_promo) Expectations (#litres_trial_promo) Everybody Loves Madeira (#litres_trial_promo) Ten Seconds of Fame (#litres_trial_promo) Rabbit (#litres_trial_promo) The Rastafarian Good Food Guide (#litres_trial_promo) Charity (#litres_trial_promo) Get a Job (#litres_trial_promo) Headucation (#litres_trial_promo) I Wanna be Adopted (#litres_trial_promo) Management Material (#litres_trial_promo) All Change (#litres_trial_promo) Blackies (#litres_trial_promo) A Missed Opportunity (#litres_trial_promo) The Gen on Jenna (#litres_trial_promo) The Pottery Shop part 1 (#litres_trial_promo) The Pottery Shop part 2 (#litres_trial_promo) Social Skills (#litres_trial_promo) The Art Lover (#litres_trial_promo) Coitus Infinitum (#litres_trial_promo) Fair Trade (#litres_trial_promo) Animal Trouble (#litres_trial_promo) Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo) Copyright (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) Introduction (#ulink_0151333d-4e2b-5413-b10b-7ae764232f59) Neither of us is quite sure exactly when we each started making a note of other people’s conversations, foibles and quips, but it began a long time before we met. The decision to turn our little hobby into a book itself probably started with a conversation with friends. Someone probably laughed out loud or put their hands over their mouth in delighted shock, then said something along the lines of, ‘You should write that down.’ So we did. We employed many techniques: eavesdropping, ear-wigging, a little lurking, nebbing, overhearing and snooping, to name but a few. Occasionally little nuggets have been passed down to us by conspiratorial friends who really should know better. The result, we discovered, was a kind of kitchen sink snapshot of society caught resolutely off its guard, being real, being funny, occasionally sad—even terrifying. It spans every age, class and racial divide—a nation united in inanity. It seems that the richest vault of human comedy and drama is around us all the time if we just stop, turn off our phones, MP3 players and laptops, and listen. So why not just turn off, tune out and listen in? Who knows what you might be about to hear, and what you might do with it. Mark Love & Jacqui Saunders 2008 Overheard something that you’d like to share? You can submit your own ear-wiggings at: www.overheardconversations.com PS Oh, just one more thing before we go…Just to make it very clear that the opinions and views expressed by the people in these conversations are absolutely NOT those of the authors or their publishers. Toy Story (#ulink_317877b8-16c7-5836-9bec-d505ee489cd9) A town centre toy store, mid-December, and the manager and a Sales Assistant are staring intently at the stock on the shelves. SALES ASSISTANT: Dunno what it is but Barbie’s just not going this year. MANAGER: Hmmmm…What if we put Superman on top of Barbie? Do you think that’ll get her going? SALES ASSISTANT: Nnnh, I don’t know… MANAGER: No! I know! Put Barbie on top of Superman. Yeah, that should get her going! Zip It (#ulink_88cd0d19-bde2-5a8e-a7b8-a49cc9a64360) A shop owner has been questioning her male assistant over a prolonged absence from work. SHOP OWNER: So you’re saying you were off for three weeks because you had an accident with your zip? ASSISTANT: It’s not funny! Little accidents can turn into something very nasty. I could have died. I was very ill, you ask Frank. SHOP OWNER: You could have died? What actually happened? ASSISTANT: I told you, I had an accident with my zip. SHOP OWNER: Can you be a bit more precise? This is three weeks, not three days. ASSISTANT: Look, I got it stuck in my zipper. SHOP OWNER: You got your thing stuck in your zip and it took you three weeks to get over it? Marge had triplets and she was back at work six days later. ASSISTANT: I got blood poisoning. I’ve only just got over it. SHOP OWNER: How do you get blood poisoning from getting your thing caught in your zip? ASSISTANT: I don’t know! But I did! It was really serious at one point. I almost died. SHOP OWNER: Well that would have meant for an interesting obituary, wouldn’t it? The Heroic Potato (#ulink_b98d7578-ed24-52fb-a208-bbd438f77843) A teacher has been leading a general studies lesson on genetic engineering. Kirsten, at the front of the class, folds her arms, purses her lips and shakes her head slowly. KIRSTEN: I just don’t think it’s right messing ’bout with nature, miss. They should leave it alone. TEACHER: Okay, but what about some of the positive effects of genetic engineering, like being able to grow disease-resistant crops? KIRSTEN: I just don’t want a carrot that’s been messed ’bout with on my plate. It don’t have to be perfect and all that… HALEY: Yeah, it doesn’t need to be straight. TEACHER: Okay, has anyone here heard of the suicidal potato? CLASS: The what? TEACHER: Scientists have created a suicidal potato. Basically it recognises when it’s become diseased and kills itself off to stop the disease spreading through the rest of the crop. A wave of oohs and ahs. KIRSTEN: Oh no, that’s all right, miss! That’s more heroic, innit? I’d be proud to have that on me plate. The Speculators (#ulink_c1d1e2b8-31a8-5461-8169-d248fb39cc01) On a commuter train travelling between West Croydon and Balham, a husband tries to read as he is talked at by his excited wife. WIFE: Darling, you never listen to me about things like this but you have to listen this time! If property prices in Battersea are going through the roof then it’s obvious that Balham will be next. Where I used to live, Blandfield Road; beautiful terraces, close to the tube, good school on your doorstep, Wandsworth Common just up the road…I’m telling you, if we bought a couple now we could make a killing! We’ve got to do this, Roger, it’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities…And the real beauty of it is, nobody else knows about it! HUSBAND: I think they do now, dear. The Grieving Process (#ulink_12b39eec-b9af-551f-a943-da0100bbbece) A young girl reacts to the news that mummy and daddy are splitting up. ELLA: After Christmas, Mummy, can we get a new daddy? Joe was nice… The Fablus Flautist (#ulink_607a21e6-32b1-5c53-9278-64c067e47659) A couple fondly reminisce outside Ely Cathedral. WOMAN: I mean, he was just a wizard on that flute. MAN: Was he the bloke we saw at the Guild Hall? WOMAN: No. MAN: Oh, d’you mean the bloke at…You know, the one we saw at that theatre. WOMAN: Noooo. MAN: I know who you mean! That fella we saw at the outdoor concert. WOMAN: That’s him! MAN: Oh yeah, he was fablus, wasn’t he? Really fablus! The Ear Complaint (#ulink_9d4a5b01-02fa-5b48-83d5-87ba30288438) A man visits his doctor with an ear complaint. DOCTOR: Have you had this kind of trouble before? MAN: No. DOCTOR: Are you a wheezy type? MAN: I have very mild asthma. Nothing serious. DOCTOR: Right well, let’s have look then. Good ear first…Aha. And now the bad ear. MAN: Ow! DOCTOR: Oh yes, it seems quite inflamed. Does this hurt? MAN: Ow, yes! DOCTOR: Right. So have you been using a cotton bud in there or anything? MAN: No, nothing like that. DOCTOR: Hmm. Matchstick? MAN: No. DOCTOR: Pencil? Pen? MAN: I’m absolutely positive that I haven’t put anything at all in my ear. DOCTOR: Well, it’s worth asking. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I encounter in this job. Tell you what, I’ll make you out a prescription for some antibiotic ear drops. That should do the job…Knitting needle? MAN: I’m sorry? DOCTOR: You didn’t use a knitting needle at all? MAN: No, nothing at all. DOCTOR: Okay then. Right, there you go. That’s two drops, three times daily. Just sort of waggle it around gently with your finger to make sure it all gets in and come back if that doesn’t do the trick, okay? MAN: Thanks very much…I assure you I haven’t put anything in my ear that I shouldn’t have. DOCTOR: Oh I believe you. It’s just unusual that’s all…You didn’t have a swipe around with a bus ticket, then? Yorkshire Watter (#ulink_fa680858-f5b3-5da4-bd43-63dcb04b7681) An elderly northern man is talking about his youth. MAN: Me Dad were a miner, so he spent most of his working life down t’pit. But when he were topside, on a Sunday like, he fancied himself as a bit of an outdoors man. When it were fine he’d take us in t’countryside for some fresh air. Said it helped his cough like. Somehow he’d always make sure there were a stream for us to play in and he’d make a big thing about taking a drink out of it. He’d say, ‘Lord there’s nowt finer than Yorkshire watter.’ He drank gallons of the stuff. Anyway, this one day he fancied walking a bit further, so after we’d built a dam and he’d had his usual drink, we toddled off upstream. Course we ’adn’t gone far when we sees this bloody sheep in t’stream, didn’t we? Swelled up like a bloody beach ball it were. Must have been dead for days. He weren’t so keen ont’watter after that, I can tell thee. You can’t cheat yer Nan (#ulink_454664e8-7a3c-5841-8cd1-e51c75a30924) A rather brash young woman is walking through a very select area of west London with her hounded-looking grandmother. WOMAN: ’ow can yer cheat on yer Nan? It’s not possible, yer mi Nan! GRANDMOTHER: Shhh. WOMAN: But how can yer do it? You can’t. It’s not possible to cheat on yer Nan! GRANDMOTHER: Shhh. WOMAN: I’m not using you. Yer me Nan! But yer shutting me out. It’s like, cos I’ve decided I’m doing this, yer shutting me out and I’ve got to do it all on me own. Yer shutting me out! GRANDMOTHER: Don’t you think I’m entitled to shut you out after all what you’ve done? WOMAN: But yer me Nan! I’d let you stay at my place any time you wanted. I’d let you eat me food, ’ave a bath, anything! Cos you’re my Nan! GRANDMOTHER: Shhhh. WOMAN: And I moved out of your house to give you more room. That’s what I did for you! And now yer shutting me out. I’m not cheating you. You can’t cheat yer Nan! Year Zero (#ulink_fda9b8d6-d793-5959-9568-969fc99dd971) A publisher stands before her assembled staff to deliver a rousing, morale-boosting speech. PUBLISHER:…so I know we’ve had our problems. I know that the recent redundancies have caused insecurity, as has the speculation about the ownership of the title, but I want you…or rather I want us, to now put all that behind us and concentrate on building a future for ourselves and the magazine. Today is year zero. Nothing that happened before today matters. All disputes are forgiven and forgotten. Clear slates all around and that includes the naysayers too. I want a better attitude, a more positive attitude. No more grumbling in corners. If you’ve got something to say, you can come and say it to me direct, I won’t hold it against you. Remember—year zero, all right? Okay, let’s go to lunch. SUB-EDITOR: (quietly) Er, wasn’t year zero the process of systematic slaughter of innocent people by an insane dictator? STAFF WRITER: Yup. Business as usual then. The Dry-Cleaner (#ulink_b6102f5b-1a9f-5c68-b413-0208628dcf2a) A woman in a dry-cleaner’s shop pulls a coat out of a bag. WOMAN: I’d like to have this cleaned, please. DRY-CLEANER: Right, that’ll be…What’s that? WOMAN: It’s a coat, a man’s coat. DRY-CLEANER: What’s that on it? WOMAN: What? DRY-CLEANER: (pointing) There. WOMAN: Oh, I expect it’s a cat hair, I caught the cat sleeping on it. DRY-CLEANER: Well I can’t accept that, I’m afraid. WOMAN: I beg your pardon? DRY-CLEANER: I’m not touching it. I have an allergy. WOMAN: It’s just a cat hair. DRY-CLEANER: I’m sorry but I can’t accept it. If you take it away and remove any cat hair I’ll be pleased to clean it. WOMAN: You mean take it away and clean it? Don’t you think I brought it to you because I wanted it cleaned? DRY-CLEANER: I can’t take it, sorry. WOMAN: This is ridiculous! You must have dozens of things brought in every day that have cat hairs on them! You seriously expect me to take this home, clean it, and then bring it back for you to clean it again? DRY-CLEANER: Sorry. I’ve got an allergy. WOMAN: (furious) Has it ever occurred to you that you might have gone into the wrong profession? She exits in a swirl of loose cat hair. Note: The dry-cleaners went out of business two weeks later. The Crunch (#ulink_771090bf-3f78-5401-9c19-a5664f5b90b4) An announcement at a south London railway station. ANNOUNCER: Passengers awaiting the next Victoria train…Ladies and gentlemen, you’re going to love this one. Well, you’re not, but anyway…The reason your next Victoria-bound train is running late, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently due to there being a crisp packet on the line at Carshalton Beeches. Imagine that, eh? Gord knows how many tons of brand-new passenger train brought to a standstill by a crisp packet. Just think, ladies and gentlemen, if the Kuwaitis had scattered a couple of dozen Golden Wonder packets in front of Saddam’s tanks, the war might never have ’appened. Would You? (#ulink_b52c5c6b-3dd7-50c6-9213-70b9c3a3a138) An indignant sixth-former holds forth on that year’s notorious New Year’s party, which took place at her house. GIRL 1: And you’ll never guess what happened. GIRL 2: Oh, is this about M and A? GIRL 1: Yeah, I mean, did you hear? On my bed. I don’t think that’s right, do you? That’s minging. Dan? Dan, if you were at someone’s party would you do it on their bed? DAN: What? GIRL 2: You know—do it. On someone’s bed? DAN: Hhhmm. GIRL 1: I mean, that’s bad enough. But she said to me, ‘Oh we did it on your bed, not in your bed.’ Like that’s supposed to make it all right! Not in my bed but on it! I mean, like, urghh! I mean, would you have done it on my bed, Dan? Dan considers this very carefully. DAN: No, I don’t think I’d have done it on your bed. I think I’d probably have done it on your floor. Next to your bed but not on your bed. Girl 1 and Girl 2 regard Dan incredulously. DAN: What? Girl 1 and Girl 2 tut. DAN: You know, I’m surprised someone hasn’t warned him about that girl. The Communication Age (#ulink_c539301e-7fc9-55e4-a09a-8e9aa4772c33) A son, who has just arrived home from work, answers the phone. MOTHER: Hello, love, it’s me. SON: Hi, Mum. How you doing? MOTHER: Oh, I’ve got you at last, have I? You wouldn’t believe the problems I’ve had. SON: Why? MOTHER: Well, every time I phoned you I was getting through to this old woman. SON: You mean you misdialled. MOTHER: No, I don’t know what it was. Our Rachel had to call t’phone company for me. I’m telling you, every time I tried to call your number I got this old woman. Ooh, she were bad-tempered. ‘Stop calling me,’ she says. ‘I’m not your bloody son.’ Right rude she were. SON: It was probably a computer glitch at their end, Mum. MOTHER: Yes, but why did it happen to me? SON: Well, it’s nothing personal, Mum, it was probably just a typing error. MOTHER: But why should it just affect me? Things are always happening to me. SON: Honest, Mum, it’s nothing to do with you personally. MOTHER: Yes it is! It’s me who has to say sorry! SON: I mean, it wasn’t someone getting at you on purpose! It was just an accident. MOTHER: But you haven’t had any problems, have you? SON: I’m not with your company, Mum. MOTHER: Well why would it just be them? SON: Mum! I don’t know! It was probably the little man who connects the phones put the wrong two wires together. MOTHER: Well it could happen again! SON: It probably won’t, Mum. MOTHER: Oooh, I don’t know. Things are always happening to me. Anyway, love, I won’t keep you… SON: Mum, wait a minute, what were you phoning for in the first place? MOTHER: Eh? SON: What were you phoning for? MOTHER: To find out if I could get through! SON: No, I mean before you found out there was a problem. MOTHER: Oooh, I don’t know. It’s all confused me a bit. SON: You and me both, Mum. You and me both. The School Trip (#ulink_80f41a89-f526-5f12-8e0b-1e00f8bbaaae) The leader of a recent skiing trip addresses the staff briefing meeting on Monday morning. PE TEACHER: Morning. I’d just like to thank all the members of staff who helped out on the ski trip. Particularly Steve and Marilyn who drove the mini-buses and picked everyone up at 5 a.m. The kids were brilliant! Really well-behaved and they had a great time. There was, er, just the one minor trip to the police station… DEPUTY HEAD: Marilyn! MARILYN: Sorreee! It’s alright. I got off! The Comedic Properties of Fruit (#ulink_c80dec13-7d81-5144-b651-9b08c2b0596a) A team of experienced and not-so-experienced comedy writers are assembled to discuss the latest material submitted for a popular TV sketch show. A heated discussion has taken place for some thirty minutes on whether an apple can ever be funny. OLDER WRITER: Look, all I’m saying is that if the camera pulls away to reveal that he has got a sausage stuck up his arse, that is funny. If he’s got an apple stuck up his arse, it isn’t. Simple as that. PRODUCER: Well, I can see your point, but isn’t an apple just a bit amusing? I mean, we all laughed. OLDER WRITER: Yes, well, we’re professionals…> YOUNGER WRITER: Oh for god’s sake! OLDER WRITER: No, listen. I’ve been in this game… YOUNGER WRITER: Man and boy. OLDER WRITER:…man and boy nigh on fifteen years and I can tell you that I’ve never, ever got a laugh out of a piece of fruit. PRODUCER: Oh come on, bananas are funny. OLDER WRITER: Not really fruit though, are they? YOUNGER WRITER: Er, yes. PRODUCER: Look, can’t we all just agree that the camera should pull back and reveal that he has something that is amusing, be it fruit or animal derivative, sticking out of his arse? FEMALE WRITER: Forgive me for pointing this out, but won’t a sausage look a bit like a turd? PRODUCER: Oh, now there’s a point! OLDER WRITER: Look, if it was a crab apple, I can see how that would be funny. YOUNGER WRITER: How would the viewer know it was a sodding crab apple? PRODUCER: Look, let’s leave that one and move on to the wine expert sketch. Basically what happens is we set up the idea that our celebrity wine expert has a new tasting programme on TV. Roll credits, opening shot shows our celebrity wine expert lookalike gobbing off the stage manager. There’s puffing, panting and groaning, then our wine expert wipes her mouth and to camera says, ‘Hmm, I’m getting ripe berries, sunkissed privet hedge, bus stops…’ Blah, blah, blah. Any thoughts? OLDER WRITER: Look, how many more bloody times? Berries, apples, any kind of bloody fruit. They’re just not funny, all right? Winsor (#ulink_8bec8b35-5d27-5358-8165-191522c1e0ac) A railway employee is approached by a Russian passenger at Victoria Station ticket barrier. PASSENGER: (pointing at the London Bridge train) Excuse me pliz. Winsor? RAILWAY EMPLOYEE: No sir, you need to take that train there, sir. Change at Clapham Junction. PASSENGER: No! Winsor! RAILWAY EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir, that train over there. You’ll need to change at Clapham Junction for the train to Windsor, which will depart from platform eleven. PASSENGER: (irate) NO! WIN-SOR! Pause. RAILWAY EMPLOYEE: Yes, sir, I understand. You take the train there, the one waiting on platform eleven and you change at Clapham Junction, which will be the next stop… PASSENGER: (very irate) NO! NO! NO! I vant WIN-SOR. RAILWAY EMPLOYEE: (pointing to London Bridge train) That one, mate. PASSENGER: (delighted) Senk you! RAILWAY EMPLOYEE: My pleasure, sir. The Chocolate Teapot (#ulink_e317c6c4-04f6-5e69-9f3e-62f21fd56ba3) An exhausted-looking wife is chatting to her neighbour, watching as her husband and the removal men load their furniture into the removal lorry. Her face reflects her anger. WIFE: Yes, well, we would have been gone about two hours ago, if it wasn’t for sonny Jim over there. Can you imagine, I spend days going round the packed boxes and furniture, marking them with coloured stickers so the removal men will know which rooms the boxes need to be left in at the new place. Then, along comes my darling husband an hour before the removal company arrives, with a handful of coloured stickers that he’s assumed the kids stuck on the boxes and furniture and has spent the best part of an hour finding and removing. Oooh, if a divorce was cheaper than moving then he’d be gone! Why? (#ulink_e9d208e4-5edd-5606-96a5-229f9c8eea04) A father and his young son are travelling on the Central Line. The father reads a book on parenting, while the little boy clambers around restlessly. BOY: Daddy? FATHER: (not looking up) Hmm? BOY: Why does the train go underground? FATHER: Because it’s easier to travel across London when you’re underground. BOY: Why? FATHER: Because then you don’t get stuck in traffic jams. BOY: Why? FATHER: Because there are no cars underground. BOY: Why? FATHER: Because cars travel on roads above the ground. BOY: Why? FATHER: Because that’s what they were designed to do. BOY: Why? FATHER: (sighing) Because people needed to get around faster. BOY: (pauses, considering this) Daddy? FATHER: What? BOY: If they designed cars to get around faster, then why do we have to travel on the underground? FATHER: Oh, just because! Reclassifying the Kids (#ulink_52ef3408-fa6f-5d15-919d-8066a5a5e096) Two mums, both mothers of mixed-race children stand, at the school gates, arms crossed indignantly. MUM 1: So she says I can’t call ’em that no more… MUM 2: No! MUM 1: I says, wot? She says Indian. Well, wot am I supposed to call ’em? She says cahncil says you gotta call ’em… MUM 2: Bengali British. Yeah, I know! MUM 1: Well! I mean, I remember when they wuz jus’ black! MUM 2: Yeah. Then it were Black British! MUM 1: After that it wuz mixed-race… MUM 2: Yeah. MUM 1: I mean why’s it any of their fackin’ business anyway? MUM 2: Wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. MUM 1: I mean, you ain’t bovvered, is ya? MUM 2: Nah. MUM 1: Well then! The Art of Luvvy (#ulink_546c2e26-964b-5fff-a739-454fd09ef344) A comedy actor at a celebrity wedding is talking about ‘luvvydom’. ACTOR: We kissed, reminisced and hugged for about an hour before we both had the nerve to admit we didn’t know who the fuck the other was. Wolves (#ulink_c9feafe2-1117-5001-97b2-fa66fbb5dd42) A beautiful summer’s day. The owners of toy spaniels are chatting in the park, their dogs—in winter coats—shivering in their arms. COIFFURED LADY: Yes, we were there the week. Well, it’s very nearly the Arctic Circle. Oh yes, it was magnificent. The real deal! HUSBAND: Red in tooth and claw! COIFFURED LADY: Oh, I can’t tell you! You know, these were real wolves, a real pack, and you’re seeing them living out there in the wilds… HUSBAND: Hunting, killing… ANORAK LADY: Ooh, it sounds grand doesn’t it, Michael? MICHAEL: Aye. COIFFURED LADY: Oh it was. And of course observing the wolves’ behaviour teaches you so much about your own dog. Telegraph Road (#ulink_386b43c5-635d-5143-aa53-bdc57a0ec7e0) A couple are taking part in a discussion about music to drive to. MIKE: I’m a sucker for old sixties stuff when I’m driving. You know, Motown, that kind of thing. Pulled up next to a lorry in a jam the other day and the driver starts singing along too. LIZ: I like heavy stuff. I think I drive better when I’ve got something heavy on. SHELLY: I’d stick with Radio Four but Cameron has to have music. CAMERON: Best track ever for driving is ‘Telegraph Road’, Dire Straits. Fourteen minutes long. Lasts me exactly as long as the drive from Aston into work. Perfect. SHELLY: Yeah, but you don’t actually like the song though, do you, Cam? CAMERON: No, but you’re missing the point. It’s fourteen minutes. That’s exactly the same time it takes me to drive to work from home. SHELLY: Yes, but you bloody hate it. You swear about it every day. MIKE: Why not just get a couple of songs that you do like that add up to fourteen minutes and put them on a tape? CAMERON: (exasperated) Look, you’re not getting this, are you? It’s fourteen minutes long! Stranger in Town (#ulink_26e8e026-786e-5dd5-aba8-6ed3d06e085c) A man ambles in to a post office clutching a bundle of papers. He joins the end of the long queue and catches the attention of the women in front of him. MAN: Excuse me, do you know where the council offices are? It says in this letter that I’ve got to go to Pilgrim’s Place. OLD WOMAN: Pilgrim’s Place? Pilgrim’s Place! Oh yes, you go out of here to Market Square. Do you know where that is? MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford. OLD WOMAN: Right. Do you know the Harper Centre? MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford. OLD WOMAN: Do you know where Boots is? MAN: No, I don’t know Bedford. OLD WOMAN: Hmmm. SECOND WOMAN: There’s no point us trying. He doesn’t know Bedford! ‘Spolicy (#ulink_24584e85-2f90-5e4f-9552-66e4090b4e04) A man is in an independent retailers stocking up with medicines. He puts his purchases down in front of the checkout assistant. CHECKOUT: Oh, excuse me a minute, sir, I’ll just need to call the supervisor. The supervisor, who happens to be in earshot, strolls over and takes a look at the four packs of paracetamol and one pack of aspirin. SUPERVISOR: That’s okay, Mandy. Sir, I’m afraid we’ll have to process these as single purchases. MAN: I have to pay for them separately? SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. ’Spolicy. MAN: I don’t understand. You mean you want me to do five separate transactions with my debit card? SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, ’spolicy. The people in the queue behind the man begins to mutter darkly. MAN: But they’re what? Forty pence each? SUPERVISOR: Nothing I can do, sir. ’Scompany policy. MAN: O-kay. The supervisor moves on. The queue mutters ever more darkly behind the man as he falteringly proceeds with his purchases. MAN: So is this about preventing suicides or something? CHECKOUT: Dunno. Just can’t do it. With all purchases made, the man offers a regretful smile to the grumpy elderly gentleman behind him in the queue. ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: If the buggers want to die, bloody let ’em! That’s what I say! Muttered agreement along the length of the queue. The Man Who Has Everything (#ulink_a36ae111-cb1b-5f36-92ee-1d19ddb2044d) Two girlfriends are at lunch. 1: I thought you were stuck on that accountant bloke. 2: No. Turns out he had a real fetish for Oriental women. 1: What about the pilot? 2: Jim? Rich Jim, the American? Oh, he wasn’t a pilot, he just owned a few planes, a Ferrari, a vintage Morgan, a beach house in LA, a condo in Miami… 1: Hmm, the man who has everything, eh? 2: Exactly. Including a god-awful scar where his willy used to be. Bicycle accident when he was young. 1: Bicycle accident? 2: Yes. I mean you could forgive him a glorious motorbike accident, couldn’t you? But not amputation by pushbike. Snappy Shopper (#ulink_0d525f8b-2992-54e6-81d5-d4f137a3291b) Two middle-aged ladies are riding the lift in a bargain clothing store. WOMAN 1: (tsk) Look at me! Thirty-two pounds just on underwear. WOMAN 2: Oh give over! There’s shops you can spend thirty-two pounds on a single bra! WOMAN 1: (tutting) A single bra…I mean, it won’t last and who’s going to see it? Woman 1 exits the lift, her friend following just behind. WOMAN 2: You speak for yourself! The Washing-line of Hope (#ulink_788c0ecd-ec7e-5de7-8ae5-4464d421e89b) An elderly mother and her thirty-something daughter are seating themselves at a street-side cafe. MOTHER: Oh my word, you know I just can’t cope with these shopping marathons any more. All these people! DAUGHTER: Mmmm. I hate it when the sales are on. Everybody’s just so rude. And the sale stuff is just rubbish! I didn’t see a bloody thing I wanted all day. MOTHER: Oh well, at least the one good thing that came out of today was that I managed to get that new washing line at last. DAUGHTER: Well, that and Dad getting the all-clear from cancer. MOTHER: Oh yes. There was that, wasn’t there. Scusting (#ulink_ebe229cb-4a9f-5193-8fef-9e814cededa0) Two teenagers are walking across the town centre dressed for a night out, hunched up against the cold and chatting loudly. GIRL 1: I mean, I’ve seen Phil in the shower, I’ve seen Mick naked and I’ve seen Alan’s bare arse. I’m telling you, I’ve seen it all! GIRL 2: Ooh… She shudders. GIRL 1: And I’ll tell you this an’ all. It’s scusting! Memorable Elephants (#ulink_494e5d66-4d6e-55a3-8113-3e09d29123d2) An older couple recount a life-changing holiday. MADELEINE: Oh my goodness…Delhi, Calcutta, the Taj Mahal—quite unforgettable. JIM: And the elephants. MADELEINE: Hmm? JIM: The elephants. MADELEINE: Oh, the elephants! Oh my goodness, yes, the elephants! I shall never, ever forget that experience. Oh yes, it makes me excited just to think about it. There we both were, on our elephants, just sort of gliding across the jungle. JIM: Elephant. MADELEINE: Hmmm? JIM: Elephant. You said elephants. MADELEINE: Yes well, there were two. JIM: Yes, but we were riding on the same one. MADELEINE: Hmm? Really? Oh yes, I suppose in a way we were. In a way. That’s right, you were riding towards the back and I was on the shoulders. Leading the way, so to speak. JIM: We were side by side. You were looking one way. I was facing the other. You nearly fell off. MADELEINE: Well yes, I suppose so. In a way. But it was really quite delightful. A truly unforgettable experience. The Endless Queue (#ulink_eb0de5a1-59ab-5cd9-a393-3031450e50f2) Two elderly women wait in a long and slow checkout queue in a supermarket. A: Oooh, I don’t know. This is the worst bit of shopping, isn’t it? B: It is, love. Not that there’s anybody waiting on me like. A: Oh are you on your own too, love? B: Aye, thirteen, nay, fourteen years now. A: I’m a bit longer meself. You know, they say it gets better but it never does, does it? B: No. You wait for it to get better but it doesn’t. There’s never nobody there when you get back, and when you’re at home you never hear that sound of t’key in t’door any more. Miss him every day. A: Aye. B: Aye. Two Birds Having It Off (#ulink_356d8069-cac8-507d-925a-f8da799ef3c9) A property PR person is talking to the MD of a building company and a female friend. PR (to MD): You have to go away now. I need to spill some gossip to Jill. MD: That’s not fair, I never get to hear gossip. I don’t get rude faxes, e-mails or anything. Go on, tell me. PR: If you’re sure. MD: Absolutely. PR: Well, the other day the sales negotiator here was outside having a lunchtime fag when she glanced across the bird sanctuary and realised that there were two women having full-on sex in the reeds. MD: Christ! PR: Anyway, the sales negotiator is so shocked by this that she just has to tell someone. So she runs into the office and phones the site manager and tells him there are two birds having it off in the sanctuary. He says, ‘So what?’, then he realises she means two women, not two chaffinches. Now he’s interested. Anyway, in his rush to get down there and have a good old look he takes a corner too tightly and writes off his car— MD: A brand-new Land Rover. PR: That’s right! MD: That would be a company car then? PR: (sigh) You see! That’s why you never get to hear gossip! Multicultural, innit? (#ulink_f8bf8e10-b785-56ba-a579-2b48611701f4) A son is guiding his northern father around on his first trip to London. FATHER: Tha’ know, son, I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many Pakis in one place before. SON: Dad! You can’t go around calling people Pakis. FATHER: Well, what am I supposed to call ’em then? SON: You don’t have to call them anything! This is London, there’s loads of people from all over, and you wouldn’t know most of them were foreign till they opened their mouths. FATHER: That may be so, but you can spot Pakis, can’t you? SON: Dad! FATHER: I were just making an observation! It’s right multicultural, innit? SON: The least you can do is say there’s lots of people from Pakistan or something. FATHER: All right. All right. A few minutes later, they’re in a queue for tickets at the tube station when the father nudges his son. FATHER: There you go, son. I think that person from Pakistan is ready to serve you now. The Hot Date (#ulink_0b3a09a3-8a0f-5e38-95b3-41ada75c539e) In a supermarket checkout queue an elderly lady points to her purchase—an organically reared chicken. ELDERLY LADY: Oh they’re lovely they are! Really succulent. Just enough for me and a red setter! S&M in the High Street (#ulink_73f2a3fe-b410-51c7-bf78-12277027c250) A sales counter in a department store. An older shop assistant with a Yorkshire accent serves a young woman. ASSISTANT: ’ello, love! You shopping? YOUNG WOMAN: Yeah. Got a party to go to. Thought I’d treat myself to a new outfit. The assistant looks a little shocked and lifts up the young woman’s purchases. ASSISTANT: Knickers and um ’andbag? By ’eck, love. I hope you’re wearing more than that! Romance (#ulink_e9a9ecbb-d6e1-5a57-973c-eae4a3bab9d4) A miffed office worker puts the phone down. SARAH: Oooh! Northern men! RACHEL: S’up, love, ’as he upset you? SARAH: Oooh, no more than usual! I ’aven’t seen him for three weeks and I ’aven’t spoken to him for two, and I’m telling him how much I miss him and that I love him and do you know what he says? RACHEL: Go on. SARAH: He says ‘similar’. Five bloody years we’ve been together and he says ‘similar’. Men! Rice (#ulink_85606c6d-9149-57f1-af91-c8e38601f539) Dad is just serving up a not-terribly appealing lunch. DAD: There you go! Amazing all this, isn’t it? I mean, imagine being able to freeze rice. Fantastic. TOMMY: (poking the contents of his plate nervously) Dad, how did you cook this? DAD: What, the rice? You just bung it in a pan of boiling water for fifteen minutes or so. TOMMY: But Dad, doesn’t ordinary rice take 15 minutes to cook? DAD: Oh I don’t know. Perhaps. TOMMY: But, Dad, if you boil frozen rice for fifteen minutes doesn’t it turn into a gluey, sticky mass like this? DAD: (peeved) Well I thought it was all right! TOMMY: Dad, if you’re cooking the ordinary rice and frozen rice for the same amount of time, then what is the point of having frozen rice? DAD: Well you can store it in the freezer, can’t you! Taking Stock (#ulink_761f78f4-ebe8-50e4-8941-2321090fe4d7) A group of old friends are taking stock at a wedding. RYAN: I mean, this is beautiful and everything. It feels like these two, you know…You know what I mean? But look at us. Jesus. This finishes at twelve and where are we going then? Bed! BED! What happens? I mean, what happened to the kids who couldn’t get enough of everything? You know, EVERYTHING! Drugs, booze, the lot. What happens? How does it happen? CRAIG: I don’t know, mate, it just does. Anybody want a last one? CARL: I could squeeze half in. TESS: Orange juice, please! RYAN: Yeah, go on then. Mineral water for me, thanks. Public Inconvenience (#ulink_b5e05814-5fc4-5df4-8843-a07b10970caf) A nuclear family is browsing through the bathroom displays at their local DIY store. DAD: That’d look good. MUM: Dunno. Might be a bit, you know. DAD: Suppose so. DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo! MUM: (to Dad). What do you think of that tub? Not the taps just the tub. DAD: I don’t like the taps. MUM: Not the taps, just the tub. DAD: It’s just a tub, isn’t it? DAUGHTER: Mummy, Mummy! I used the loo. MUM: Shhhhh! Yes, darling, I heard you the first time. Look, I’ll take you in a minute. Mummy and Daddy want to look at the bathtubs. Their baby son in his pushchair begins to whine. DAD: Oh now look! DAUGHTER: Mummy, I did it in the loo. MUM: Isabelle, stop shouting! Look, you’ve woken your brother now! All Daddy and me wanted to do was to have five minutes looking at bathtubs, but oh no! Come on then, madam, let’s find you a loo. DAUGHTER: Mummy, I used the loo! DAD: What is she talking about? MUM: I don’t know, she says she used the—Oh. Isabelle, darling, which loo did you use? DAUGHTER: (pointing to a display) That one! MUM: Oh you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t. She opens the loo lid. MUM: Oh for god’s sake, Isabelle! Controversy (#ulink_d84aff2d-b0a7-5ab2-b357-c49a551b53d4) A former high-profile female politician at lunch. POLITICIAN: It breaks my heart. You wouldn’t believe how many MPs are gay, the married ones too. It breaks my heart. Good, normal men made to hide their true feelings like this because the blue rinse and rubber chicken brigade out in the constituencies think it’s against nature. It’s barbaric. So much of Parliament, the Lords especially, is like that though. It’s the 1990s and yet they still spend hours and hours debating whether or not the Lord Chancellor should have to wear tights. Is it any wonder that I got fed up? Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/jacqui-saunders/overheard/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. 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