Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life

Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life Penny Palmano The essential guide to teaching children of all ages manners, respect and the social skills to get ahead in life.This first hand guide filled with humour and anecdotes will explain how to teach your children to behave at home, in restaurants, airports, trains and public places.Even if you think your children's behaviour in public leaves you in need of psychological help, this book explains how to turn bad behaviour into good in a matter of weeks. Imagine actually receiving compliments on your children's behaviour and manners. Yes, it is possible and no, it's not difficult. You will be happier and less stressed and your children will be happier, more respectful, more popular with their friends and teachers (oh yes that helps) and dare I say, exactly what you thought having a family should be like.The good news is it's never too early to start or too late to learn. Copyright (#ulink_f3049694-73bf-52d4-a5a0-9b97d8a882fb) Thorsons An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The website address is: www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) and Thorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Limited First published by Panic Publishing (UK) 2004 This edition published by Thorsons 2005 © Penny Palmano 2005 Illustrations: © Katherine Palmano 2004 Penny Palmano asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. 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Dedication (#ulink_d2f5afc6-d044-5c83-98d7-b96a2cff539d) For my motherwho has always been a wonderful example Contents Cover (#ud4087f6c-4c9b-5ea9-9f58-d00263ccded7) Title Page (#u0d6075ed-dd9a-530a-aa80-8d1236591802) Copyright (#ulink_7bb179da-65e8-5a97-8c31-da1eb508dbc9) Dedication (#ulink_f6f84a76-77ff-51e1-be8a-fdf616842e1c) The story so far … (#ulink_dc1568da-2451-5711-b59f-8816d3fa3398) Foreword (#ulink_fd6bce0a-793b-5818-8e07-985ed52355d8) Introduction (#ulink_620c9c7d-db86-52a9-b000-309aa0b84ee5) 1 The Buck Stops Here (#ulink_bdb55f8f-1bd8-50fd-95cb-895f07580eab) 2 How the Wrong Foods Can Affect Children’s Behaviour, Health and IQ (#ulink_b49d4476-59bc-54ce-834d-e3068f240e9a) What Children Really Need (#ulink_a7738c18-6724-5fc5-aab9-da3cbbe4a7d6) 3 Love (#ulink_2667f985-2ce8-50fb-87d5-a3c11df8067f) 4 Discipline (#ulink_60d9691c-8a53-587b-a0d7-284ff13df477) 5 Attention (#litres_trial_promo) 6 Communication (#litres_trial_promo) 7 Routine, Continuity and Consistency (#litres_trial_promo) 8 Example (#litres_trial_promo) 9 Respect (#litres_trial_promo) Good Manners (#litres_trial_promo) 10 How to Behave in Public (#litres_trial_promo) 11 Simple (but Extremely Important) Courtesies (#litres_trial_promo) 12 How to Behave at School (#litres_trial_promo) 13 How to Survive Christmas (#litres_trial_promo) Work and Child Care (#litres_trial_promo) 14 Working Parents (#litres_trial_promo) 15 Child Care – How You Can Still Be in Control (#litres_trial_promo) Final Word (#litres_trial_promo) Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) The story so far … (#ulink_9129efd3-7e55-5b4d-a63e-6995cca4f561) When we self-published Yes, please. Thanks! in June 2004 it caused such a media frenzy that we were taken completely by surprise. Unfortunately, we were also totally unprepared; so unprepared that the book was still at the printers! I had always hoped that we would get some coverage in newspapers and magazines but I never imagined it would make national news. It all started back in February when my friend and neighbour Jacqui McCarthy, of d’Image Ltd, organized an interview for me with the social-affairs editor of The Times (a neighbour with a PR company and a villa in the South of France – they don’t come any better than that!). The social-affairs editor had kindly asked me roughly when I would like the article (which I had not seen) to run. I had a cunning plan that if it was published two weeks before the book was first in the shops, my distributors could use the article to sell it to a great deal more outlets. Then, when the book finally hit the shops I would contact the likes of Jeremy Vine, This Morning and Richard and Judy, show them the article and beg and plead with them to let me come and discuss it on their shows. Best laid plans… Monday, 31 May, Bank Holiday, 10.45 pm The phone rings. My son Sam answers it and tells me it’s a reporter from the Daily Mail. I naturally assume it’s a friend winding me up but, as it turns out, it is a reporter who says he is reading about Yes, please. Thanks! in the first edition of The Times and would like to ask me some questions. I ask him what size the article is and whether it is pro the book. He tells me there is a double-page spread about the book with supporting articles and it is very pro the subject. I am speechless, but only momentarily as I have to go and wake up the rest of the family to tell them. We are all so excited it takes me ages to get to sleep. Tuesday, 1 June, 7 am I am woken by Radio Five Live asking if I could get to the nearest BBC radio station, which is in Reading, within the hour for a live interview and phone in. I immediately agree. Fortunately, it’s half-term and for the first time in years the children get up early on a non-school day to come and support me. After the show I am immediately informed that the Jeremy Vine Show has been on the phone, and could I do a live interview at lunchtime? Oh yes, please. On leaving the studio I rang home to be told, ‘The world has gone mad! Who do you want first, Sky News, Richard and Judy, This Morning, BBC Breakfast, Daily Mirror, Daily Mail, Woman’s Hour…?’ We simply couldn’t believe it. But horror of horrors, live TV!? I’m not prepared, I haven’t got anything to wear, I’m having a bad-hair day and there is no time to do anything about it. Even worse, if you can imagine anything worse, the book was not yet in the shops. From then on it was a marketing dream and a publisher’s nightmare. Incredible national coverage, but no books and our publishing name, Panic Publishing, was not listed anywhere. Our printers, Unwin Bros, were wonderful and worked overtime to get it to our distributors, Gazelle Book Services, in record time, who immediately sent it out to shops and wholesalers. Finally, we were home and dry, or so I thought. Oh, how little I knew. Two weeks later I was still receiving press and doing regional radio interviews, but the book was only just filtering in to the mainstream shops. I had never considered or calculated the time it would take to get from the distributor, sometimes via wholesalers and warehouses, to bookshelves. The Greatest Reward Although the media coverage was more than I could ever have hoped for, the reaction to the book from parents was my personal reward. One mother, who tried and tested the book, wrote about her success in the ‘Femail’ section of the Daily Mail which was a far better recommendation for the book than anything I could ever have written. This was the purpose of writing it, to help guide parents to having better-behaved and well-mannered children. …and Finally in Safe Hands The final chapter of my publishing adventure came with a call from Carole Tonkinson at HarperCollins asking if they could take over the publishing of the book and re-launch it in April 2005. It was received with open arms. And just as I am going to let their experience help me, I hope you will let my experience help you. Foreword (#ulink_1ea21063-fa42-512c-b306-6d257da9d979) When Penny told me of her intention to write a book on children’s manners and respect, I immediately thought of her son’s progress through my school. If anyone better typified what can be done with good manners and respect then I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing them yet. So, a little like a top chef giving advice on recipes, there is the instinctive confidence in the fact that Penny knows what she is talking about (and she is also a great cook!). The premise of this book is the desire to show parents what can be achieved, if they are willing to invest a little time and a great deal of consistency in the upbringing of their children. Parenting skills have noticeably declined over the years, as is evident in some of the behaviour witnessed in school, where seemingly the only guidance children have comes from the environment that surrounds them for their time at school. While the much more relaxed relationships between adults and children is to be commended and welcomed, the lack in many young children of the basic tenets of good manners and respect is highly regrettable. They are surrounded by poor examples in the society in which they live. Much of the television they watch or the music they listen to and even their heroes and idols offer them scant guidance as to how best to behave, and the void that has opened between what used to be taken for granted and what is now accepted is a worrying trend. The beauty of this book is there is something for everyone and there should be no fixed point at which people reading it need to start. Much will come down to personal preference and the kind of children that you want to raise. However, if good manners and respect still mean something to you, the sagacity of the following chapters will provide you with an invaluable resource as you embark on the most difficult and rewarding journey that any adult can take – namely the fostering of a partnership with your offspring that is abiding and enriching and equips them with life skills that will shape and mark them as worthy individuals. Keith Young HEADMASTER WESTBROOK HAY SCHOOL, HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, HERTS. Introduction (#ulink_755e3a78-a5fb-580c-9083-0ca46887f460) Firstly, I must point out that I am not a child ‘expert’; I am simply a mother who decided that if I was going to have children, they were going to be well-behaved, polite children that I could be proud of. My experience with other children came from working as a nanny, teaching children to ski and then looking after children while their parents skied at a chalet business I ran with my first husband for six years. The one thing I learnt from all the different children I looked after, including my own, is that all children respond to love and laughter, and to kind, calm and firm guidance. Call me old-fashioned but I like children to be well-mannered, have good table manners and be polite and respectful. I wanted to have children that I could take out in the knowledge that if we went to a restaurant their behaviour would not give me severe indigestion and apoplexy, even if the food and service did. My children, like so many these days, did not have the benefit of the traditional Mum and Dad situation as I separated from their father when they were small. So from a young age they had to experience living with their single working mother, moving away from family and friends, changing schools, then a step-father, step-sister, new family, new home, new school, new life. Changes and new challenges just make a parent’s job tougher, but they do not excuse us from teaching manners, politeness and social skills to our children. Newspapers, teachers, nannies and even grandparents (when they’re not too busy spending our inheritance!) bemoan the fact that children seem to be in control of their parents, and to be honest, in many cases they are right. But strangely enough, little guidance seems to be forthcoming to these parents (who we imagine would prefer it otherwise). There have been so many conflicting ideas about parenting over the past 40 years that mothers don’t know whether to congratulate their child on being expressive when they pour tomato sauce into their favourite, treasured Gucci shoes or take them for psychological counselling. (Psychological counselling? Surely I mean adoption!) The word ‘No’ appears to be politically incorrect and is almost obsolete in parenting today. Everything must be discussed. Discuss? With a toddler? Gentle discipline and explanation, yes. But discuss?Has the world gone mad? I’m not Mother Earth. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant I asked my GP if I could have a general anaesthetic for the birth and suggested being kept under for the next eighteen years. Thankfully, he refused because I would have missed out on eighteen wonderful years and, yes, obviously a few nightmares along the way. Our children are now 15, 16 and 18 and I can honestly say that they have (mostly) been a joy to have around – loving, funny, polite, very well-mannered, respectful and popular with their own and our friends. They help around the house (when asked, not usually voluntarily), though I must mention the time they cleared up after our Christmas party unprompted (after their parents and 50-plus friends had called it a night). What angels. My sister-in-law says they are the bench mark that all children should be judged by. High praise, indeed. Perfect? Of course not! They don’t keep their rooms tidy and they wouldn’t know how to pick up a wet towel off their bedroom floor if their life depended on it. But in the big picture, does it matter? Our responsibility as parents is to teach our children discipline, manners, respect and social skills so they will develop into well-adjusted, happy young adults. It’s no surprise that children who are taught these qualities are higher achievers at school, make friends more easily and are more popular with their teachers and other adults. There are no set rules for bringing up children – how can there be when they are all individual? Bringing up families can and should be fun and I hope this advice will help you enjoy your children to the full. It’s hard to enjoy your children when you’re constantly berating and arguing with them, but it needn’t be that way. Bringing up children is 90 per cent common sense and 10 per cent struggling through, although there are many, many times when these percentages seem to completely swap places! So, I hope this book helps you get started or puts you back on the right track. It will not answer every question or solve every problem but it will help you end up with happy, confident and trustworthy children you can justifiably be really proud of and make your life as a parent much easier and less stressful. Good luck. It’s worth it! one (#ulink_c1e02531-a9a1-5a71-93e9-d1207e977fb6) The Buck Stops Here (#ulink_c1e02531-a9a1-5a71-93e9-d1207e977fb6) Everything we buy these days comes with hard and fast care instructions. Whether it’s a pair of knickers or a frying pan we are told exactly how to look after them. But a child doesn’t come with instructions. We simply leave home one day and return with a small human life which is totally dependent on us for love, food, comfort, education, clothing, a home, and for being brought up to be a well-balanced, well-behaved, well-adjusted, confident individual. WHAT? The responsibility of it all is enough to make any parent break out in a sweat and lay down in a darkened room with a large, nerve-calming drink. So is it simply good luck if we have well-behaved children who are a delight to be around, or incredibly bad luck that we end up with uncontrollable, rude, disrespectful little ‘horrors’ that are a constant nightmare and embarrassment to us? Let’s face it, how many times have we thought or said about someone else’s children: ‘Why on earth does she let those children do that?’ ‘Just as long as they don’t bring those ghastly children.’ ‘Did you see the way that child was eating?’ Imagine if these comments were directed at your own children. Now don’t panic, even if you suspect they already have been, and don’t criticize or label yourself a bad parent and accept things the way they are – just address the problem. Get back in control. The good news is that all children can be brought up to be well-behaved, well-mannered, polite and respectful, regardless of their personality or character. Obviously, all children are different and a very strong-willed child may need a stronger sense of his boundaries than a calmer, quieter child but both can be equally well-behaved and a credit to their parents. But How? Teaching good behaviour, manners and respect starts almost from day one. The way we are with our children from the very early days will start to form and mould the way they are going to behave. So basically, it’s easier if we don’t let them get into bad habits and then try and correct them. It is so much easier, for everyone concerned, if they learn everything the right way from the beginning, not dissimilar to puppy training. For example, if we take a puppy to training classes as early as possible, it will learn to walk correctly on a lead, sit and stay when told. But if we don’t train it from an early age, by the time we realize our dog is uncontrollable and we decide to start teaching him, our problems have multiplied tenfold. That old saying, ‘One word from me, and he does as he likes’, can equally be said about some children. The sooner you start the easier it is. Manners and Respect in the 21st Century – Why We Still Need Them Manners, respect and simple courtesies should be second nature to everyone. They should not be considered as some sort of optional extra, as if we were deciding whether to have an electric sun-roof or tinted glass in a new car. They are as important as the steering wheel! And manners are not just about saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’; they show a consideration for our fellow man and are a condition of a civilized society. They are the oil that smoothes the machinery of society. The acid test of our children’s behaviour is how others perceive it. Their social education is as important as their academic one. As someone once said, manners are worth another A-level. You are actually disadvantaging your children if you don’t teach them, so come on, put in that time and effort. After all, don’t they deserve the best? two (#ulink_eeb47f8e-9e54-53f9-a5ec-f41e51664690) How the Wrong Foods Can Affect Children’s Behaviour, Health and IQ (#ulink_eeb47f8e-9e54-53f9-a5ec-f41e51664690) There’s no point trying to teach your children how to behave when the food and drink they are consuming are working against you both. It’s like wanting a good night’s sleep but drinking a gallon of Turkish coffee an hour before bedtime! It simply isn’t going to happen. The Scary Facts Most children eat far too many fast-food products, pre-prepared meals, processed foods, fizzy drinks, snacks, sweets, biscuits and cakes, and almost all of these products may contain some type of food colouring, preservative, salt and sugar. These additives are a kind of ‘food makeover’, disguising poor nutritional food with colour and artificial flavour to make it more attractive to children. But the increased consumption of these foods and the decline in the foods which are good for children, such as fresh vegetables, fruit, fish, meat and cheese, has sadly begun to take its toll. Hyperactivity, moodiness, obesity, long-term health problems and poor intellectual performance can all be connected to a poor diet. Behaviour and Food For years, parents have voiced their concern about the possible link between food colourings, preservatives and behavioural changes in their children, but the food manufacturers and government have been constantly dismissive, claiming their theories lacked scientific evidence. However, results from the first UK government-sponsored study have shown that children who were given colourings and preservatives were reported by their parents to be ‘fiddling with objects’, ‘disturbing others’, and having ‘difficulty settling down to sleep’, ‘difficulty concentrating’ and ‘temper tantrums’. The researchers further claimed that if the problem additives and preservatives were removed from children’s diets, hyper-activity would be reduced from 1 in 6 children to 1 in 17. Health and Food In this health-conscious, diet-addicted era in which we now live, during the past ten years there has been a 70 per cent increase in obesity among three-and four-year-olds. Obesity in three-to four-year-olds? If this doesn’t ring alarm bells, what will? And if that isn’t scary enough, it is now recognized that obesity leads to increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. The cause is quite simply a poor diet and lack of exercise. Poor Diet Although children enjoy eating crisps, sweets, snacks and processed foods, and however quick and convenient they may be for the parents, these foods are the worst culprits. Too much salt Too much salt will withdraw calcium from the body which children urgently need to develop strong bones, teeth and nails. It will also increase the risk of osteoporosis, asthma, stroke, heart attack, water retention and raised blood pressure in later life. The maximum recommended intake of salt per day is: An average 7–10-year-old’s daily diet may include: That is over twice as much as the recommended allowance and does not include any salt added at the table. Most food packaging says how much sodium is in the product. To calculate how much salt that is, multiply the amount of sodium by 2.5. Example: 1g sodium = 2.5g salt. Too much sugar For years we have known that sugar has disastrous effects on children’s teeth and contributes towards obesity. But it is also a stimulant which affects children’s blood-sugar levels, producing short bursts of energy or hyperactivity followed by an immediate low, which can manifest itself in moodiness or difficult behaviour and a craving for more sugar. The brain chemicals which affect people’s moods, including depression, are called serotonin and beta endorphins. Doctors now believe that there is a direct link between glucose (what pure white sugar breaks down into in our bodies) and these chemicals. An excess of white sugar can change the normal biochemical ‘pathways’ of both, resulting in moody, unmanageable and disruptive children who make everyone’s life a misery, including their own. Products made mainly from pure white flour will also convert into pure sugar in the body with the same effect. A can of cola contains both sugar and caffeine, combining two stimulants. If children drink a can at lunchtime the caffeine will still be in their system by the evening and we know what that means – T-R-O-U-B-L-E. These poor children will not be able to sit still at school or around the dinner table and will find it difficult to fall asleep. Be on the safe side and avoid all sugary foods at suppertime, offering fruit as an alternative dessert or snack. To reduce children’s intake of sugar take the sugar bowl off the table and be in charge of the amount they can have. Gradually reducing the sugar on their cereals and in their diet will go unnoticed but will make a significant difference to their overall consumption. Schools that have removed vending machines selling sugar-laden snacks and drinks and replaced them with fresh fruit and water or fruit juice have reported that attention rates have improved and that problem children are much calmer as a result. Give your children fresh or dried fruit, water and juices (check the sugar content) as snacks and leave the sweet snacks and drinks for the odd occasion or use them on a reward basis occasionally. As an alternative to canned fizzy drinks, dilute fruit concentrates with a fizzy mineral water. Your children’s tastes will adapt to their healthy diet and although they will still enjoy sweet products they will find many unnaturally sweet. Fats Much has been written about fats in the body. It is now widely recognized and accepted that the body does need fat and that there are both good and bad fats. Good fats The brain is composed of 60 per cent fat and needs an abundance of fatty acids from our diet to function effectively. Essential fatty acids are the good fats. They are found in oily fish such as mackerel, tuna, herring, sardines and salmon, and nuts, seeds and cold-pressed oils. These fatty acids are essential for the normal development of the brain, eyes and nervous system. New research from Oxford University has indicated that many children suffering from dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder) which affect children’s ability to listen, think, speak, sit still and write are suffering from a dietary deficiency of fatty acids. Bad fats However, most processed foods, fried foods and convenience foods contain trans fats. Trans fats are formed by hydrogenating oils in order to improve their shelf-life and flavour. Trans fats alter the brain chemistry and block the production of the essential fatty acids. Always Read the Label Until the food industry starts to reduce the amount of salt, sugar, preservatives and additives in their products, always read the label. Even some foods that proudly claim on their labels ‘NO artificial sweeteners’ and ‘NO preservatives’ may still have added colourings. Steer well clear of the following colourings: Tartrazine E102, Sunset Yellow E110, Carmoisine E122, Ponceau 4R E124. Also avoid preservatives such as Sodium Benzoate E211, saturated fats and anything ‘Hydrogenated’. ‘But My Children Love Fizzy Drinks and Snacks’ There is nothing wrong with the occasional packet of crisps or a fizzy drink, but they should not be part of the daily diet. If we keep sugar-laden drinks, high-fat snacks and sweets in the house, the temptation for our children to ask/moan/beg for them is quite natural. So to avoid having any confrontation, only buy them when you want them, perhaps for a weekend. Quite simply, if these products are not in the house, there is no issue, and everyone is much healthier and happier all round. Getting Off to a Good Start – Breakfast The British Nutrition Foundation urges all parents to ensure that their children eat breakfast to improve their performance at school. Researchers have reported that foods with a low glycemic index (GI) are far better for your children than foods with a high glycemic index. But, as we all have busy lives to lead, I’ll cut to the chase. Wholegrain breads, porridge, muesli and high-fibre cereals are good (low GI). Cereals such as cornflakes or chocolate-flavoured cereals and white bread are not good (high GI). Children who eat a low-GI breakfast will be less hungry at lunchtime and less likely to want to snack between meals. Children who eat a high-GI breakfast will have an initial energy boost then feel sluggish. They will be hungrier by lunchtime and are far more likely to snack. Research on children aged 9–16 given sugar-laden snacks for breakfast (simple carbohydrates) showed levels of performance equivalent to 70-year-olds! Healthy breakfasts may include a combination of the following: smoothies (yogurt and fruit shakes), fresh milkshakes with fruit, wholegrain toast with peanut butter or a banana, a boiled egg, fresh fruit, high-fibre cereal and fruit juice, milk or water to drink. Exercise Try and get your children to exercise as often as possible. By restricting your children’s TV and computer time it should be easier to get them outside, whether it’s for a game of frisbee in the park or walking to the shops. If they enjoy sport, encourage them to join a local club. Invest in a battery-operated dance mat or one which plugs into the PC or Playstation; children will dance away for hours following the ‘right steps’. The School Run So many children are chauffeured everywhere these days that the opportunity to walk has been severely curtailed. Sadly, as a result of today’s society, parents are also concerned about the risk their children may be exposed to by walking in public. One solution is to drive part of the way to school and to walk the remainder with your child. Teenagers’ Eating Habits If children grow up aware that their mothers have been perpetually trying new diets, weighing themselves and commenting on their weight, they may well grow up with the same anxieties which can lead to eating disorders. Growing teenagers are permanently hungry and are happy to continually graze on snacks throughout the day (the expression ‘eating me out of house and home’ springs to mind), so rather than fill the cupboards with sugar-laden, high-fat snacks, make sure that there are plenty of healthy snacks in the house, like fresh fruit, dried fruit, nuts, seeds, plain biscuits, brown wholegrain bread and fillings for sandwiches and toasties. If you buy crisps, choose the low-fat variety. Home-cooking and eating as a family around the table is the easiest way to make sure the family has a good nutritional evening meal, and a way of seeing exactly what your teenager is eating. Comfort Foods We’ve all been there, feeling low and depressed. The first thing we do is hit the biscuit tin then feel more depressed that we ate most of the contents. As we would much prefer our children to never turn to food for comfort, try to avoid giving them treat foods as a consolation when they are growing up. Try and start a new regime of going for a walk or some other type of exercise if you are feeling low. The fresh air and exercise will immediately start to make you feel better. Respecting Other Children’s Dietary Needs Always respect the dietary needs of children visiting your home. Their parents will tell you what they must avoid and, to make life easier on everyone, simply do not have that product available to your own children on that particular day. I only mention this because I know of a situation where a mother gave a biscuit as a treat to a young playmate of her children. Unfortunately, the child was hypersensitive to sugar but was too young to realize any different, and was as high as a kite for about four days. What Children Really Need (#ulink_210c7e27-667e-5778-bc37-4541271708dd) Forget the DVDs, TVs, Playstations, designer trainers and designer clothes (except, obviously, for us). What children really need (as opposed to what they think they need) is a combination of love, discipline, attention, communication, routine, continuity, consistency, example and respect, and wouldn’t it be simple if we could just go and buy them. But nobody said bringing up children was going to be simple. As every child is different, only you will work out how much of all these vital components your particular child needs to find the right combination. three (#ulink_5cc68df8-7600-5664-84d0-24395ceb8605) Love (#ulink_5cc68df8-7600-5664-84d0-24395ceb8605) How to Show Love Our children need to feel and know that they are loved, with that unconditional love that only we, their parents, can give them which is not tied to the way they behave or perform and cannot be withdrawn as a means of manipulation. Love needs to be shown in different ways, by physical affection, by showing respect and acceptance, and by the way we care for and nurture our children. From day one, babies physically and mentally need bodily contact to bond with their parents. And it’s not just as babies that your children need to be cuddled, but all through their developing years to adulthood. Even adults enjoy a hug with their parents. Children need the reassurance that physical contact in the form of kisses and cuddles, a stroke of the cheek, or an arm around a shoulder can provide. We should reinforce how we feel by actually telling them that they are loved. Far too many parents neglect, unintentionally, to demonstrate enough physical contact to their children as they grow up. And whilst a 14-year-old may dislike showing any physical emotion towards their parents in front of their friends, they will be just as happy to have a hug with their mother or father when they get home. Parents who had a loving childhood may find it easier to show love than parents who were deprived of physical love as children, so some parents have to make more effort to be physical, but it is absolutely essential that children never have to question their parents’ love for them. Young children enjoy seeing their parents showing affection to each other; it’s just as they get older that they get horribly embarrassed. Love must also be shown by guiding and educating your children so that they can function happily in their environment. It must never be confused with putting your hand in your pocket. There are two ways of showing love – one is the cuddly love of hugs and kisses and the other is the equally important one of teaching your child how to behave. Little Things Mean a Lot Apart from the usual ways in which we can show our love for our children, they also appreciate little kind, thoughtful gestures, just as we like our partners to do for us. For instance, if they have a test at school, let them know you are thinking of them by sending a good-luck text with an encouraging message, ‘Thinking of you. Go show ’em. You can do it. Luv u, Mum.’ If you know that they’re a bit low because they didn’t make the football team or get the part in the school play they wanted, surprise them with their favourite treat to help cheer them up. Or once they’ve left for school you discover they have left an important piece of school-work at home, make the effort to take it to the school. Don’t just think, ‘Oh they’re always forgetting things, this’ll teach them,’ or turn up at the school and give your child a lecture on getting organized before you hand the work over. Be loving, be kind. They will learn to be more organized. When you see the look of relief on their faces, simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’ Sometimes you could just give your children a big hug and tell them you just couldn’t resist doing it because they are so gorgeous. Wouldn’t we all love it if our partners (still/ever) did that? But perhaps if we did it to them, they might! four (#ulink_b9fbd4c3-fe73-58eb-83f8-429d0a5678f9) Discipline (#ulink_b9fbd4c3-fe73-58eb-83f8-429d0a5678f9) The very word discipline disappeared almost completely from parenting for many years because we all grew to associate discipline with harsh punishment. What it really means, though, is teaching our children how to behave so they can eventually control their own behaviour. In fact the word discipline is derived from the Latin word disciplina, meaning instruction, and not, as you may have thought, “A darn good spanking.” Don’t worry that they will love you any less because you have to be occasionally firm with them; they will in fact love you all the more when they realize they have grown into socially acceptable, functional adults. How We Start to Impose Discipline on Our Children Impose boundaries Change your voice and body language Remember, orders are not negotiable Create continuity and consistency Make rules clear and simple Tell children what you expect of them Encourage and reward good behaviour Be firm about poor behaviour Teach why ‘No’ must always mean ‘No’ Remain calm and in control Impose Boundaries Boundaries are the sets of rules we set for our children’s behaviour; a sort of framework of moral conduct within which they must learn to live. As long as children know exactly where these limits are they will be happy and content to operate within them. Naturally, most children will try and stretch them occasionally to see exactly what they can get away with, but this is absolutely normal and they are quite expecting and relieved to be told when they have crossed the line. Let’s face it, we all try and push our luck sometimes. Boundaries teach children what is acceptable behaviour and in doing so they develop the self-control and self-discipline necessary to remain within them. Even children from as young as one will begin to respond to simple boundaries, as in the word ‘No’, when it is said in a firm voice distinguishable from your normal voice. Inevitably, as children grow up, new boundaries will be introduced, but as long as they know what they are, they will flourish and develop within them and be reassured by them. However, children who are not set boundaries often feel unloved and uncared for and are constantly floundering, looking for some sort of guidelines. This often manifests in the form of unacceptable behaviour, as if in a desperate plea for some sort of help and structure. Without boundaries children fail to develop self-control, and without this they will find it difficult to function properly within a normal society and can end up unhappy, lonely and dysfunctional adults. Change your voice and body language From as young as a year old, your child can begin to learn the meaning of the word ‘No’. Adopt a low, firm tone and deliver a short sharp ‘No’, so that they can recognize disapproval immediately and do not smile. There’s no point saying ‘No’ in exactly the same sweet tone that you would say ‘Hello darling’ with a beaming smile on your face. Equally, don’t say ‘No’ in a firm voice and then immediately give your child hugs and cuddles as it is mixing messages. Even young children will come to recognize when parents are in ‘no mood for messing with’ by their voice and body language. If, for instance, your daughter is at the stage of moving around holding on to the furniture and she grabs an ornament you would rather she did not touch, you simply say, ‘No’ in a firm voice, remove the ornament from her and move her to a different part of the room. Give your daughter a toy or something else to distract her that she can look at and examine. Many children will immediately return to the ornament and look for your reaction. Make sure it is the same. As soon as your child starts showing an interest in something they can play with, praise them and make a fuss of them. At this age they very soon learn when Mummy approves or disapproves. Suddenly your daughter has learnt her first boundary. She knows that she cannot touch the ornament. Remember, orders are not negotiable We have all witnessed a poor mother who asks her child to do something and is either ignored or rebuffed or argued with. Out of frustration the parent either shouts at the child to no avail or does the task herself. ‘Please go and fetch the blue sweater off my bed,’ is a command. It is not negotiable; ‘Would you like to go and fetch my sweater off my bed?’ is negotiable. If you ask your child to do something for you, insist that they do it. It is so important that children learn to respond to instructions. Giving and taking orders are all part of life’s rules and children must not be allowed to imagine they are somehow immune to it. School, the workplace, even leisure activities will require orders to be acted upon, sometimes immediately. To make it less stressful all round (although this will not always be possible), try not to ask for something you want an immediate response to if your child is engrossed in an activity, a book, in the middle of a favourite TV programme time or doing homework. If they are busy concentrating on something, they are more likely to show some resistance. In these circumstances ask them to carry out your request after they have finished the chapter, TV programme or their homework and make sure they have heard and understood. Warning children in advance that they will have to do something will help prepare them mentally to do it, as in, ‘Dinner will be ready in five minutes,’ then after that time, ‘Come and sit down, please.’ Children disobeying orders can be life-threatening. For example, if a young boy has never been taught to obey his mother, one day he gets separated from her in a car park, then suddenly sees her. If she shouts, ‘Stay there, don’t move, there’s a car coming,’ and the child doesn’t, he is putting himself and possibly others at risk. A good way to get children to obey first-time requests is to ask them to do something quickly so that they can have a reward or get on with doing something far more fun. For instance, if a mother is returning home with her children, she could say, ‘Quickly, go and hang your coats up and then you can have a biscuit/start painting.’ Then when they return, ‘You’ve put your coats away already? That’s fantastic, my goodness you’re fast. Well done, here’s your biscuit/right if you get the paints out, I’ll get the paper.’ Suddenly children are in the mind-set to help. They soon learn that doing as asked brings praise and rewards. Of course, there are going to be far more times when you will simply ask them to do something without dangling the carrot and they must react as quickly. When you are teaching your young children to obey simple commands, explain what you would like them to do, keep it simple, ask if they understand, then wait and watch to see them do it. If they ignore you, repeat it and mention that you would like it done now. If they don’t move immediately take their hand and help them up with a, ‘Come along, mummy has asked you to pick up your socks and to give them to me. Now pick them up like a good boy.’ Once the command has been carried out, thank them. If they carried out the task with no fuss, thank and congratulate them at their speed and efficiency. If they refuse to pick the socks up, put your hand over theirs and help them to pick up the socks then give them to yourself. Thank them in a matter-of-fact voice. Persistence is the name of the game, so do not leave the room until they have done what they were asked to do, keep a firm voice and do not lose your temper. Never let your children get away with not doing something they have been asked to do. It can be a small battle of wills, but you are the parent, you must be in control. When children realize that you are not going to give in, they will. You may only have to sit out two or three incidents like this until your children act upon your requests. That Mum or Dad mean business is a valuable lesson for children to learn. There will be times when they dawdle and don’t react immediately, but don’t let them get into a habit of just not doing it. I was recently at a taxi rank at a train station and saw a mother and her son of about 6. She asked him to put his empty plastic water bottle in the bin and pointed out where it was (about 10 yards away). The first and second time she asked he ignored her, the third time she asked he put it on a window ledge, the fourth time he took it off the window ledge and played with it. This scenario continued for a total of about 10 minutes when, finally, the mother picked up the bottle, which had now been abandoned on the floor, took her son by his arm and walked him to the bin and dumped it for him. When the son disobeyed after the first request the mother should have taken him to the bin then and made him throw the bottle away, even if she had to put it in his hand at the final moment before it was dumped. She should have praised him for dumping it then immediately talked about something else. By allowing her son to disobey her request several times she inadvertently taught him that he has the option whether to do as he has been asked or not and if he decides not to his mother will do it anyway. Create continuity and consistency Rules that you create must be upheld by you and your partner. If, for instance, children have been told that something is off limits, it must always be off limits, not just occasionally. Your partner must also know what is off limits and what action to take if they disobey. Children learn by consistency, so your children must always be treated in the same way if they do something that displeases. It’s very easy when you are tired or depressed not to stick to the rules and your children will soon learn that you sometimes give in if they ignore them. Hard as it is sometimes when you are tired, always stand your ground over rules. In the long run it will make life so much easier. Make rules clear and simple Always be specific about what your children should or should not do. Telling children to ‘Behave nicely’ or ‘Eat properly’ can mean very little, but if you say, ‘Take your feet off the sofa’ or ‘Use your spoon’, you are making yourself very clear. Tell children what you expect of them Once your children have learned to obey simple commands, talk to them before you go out, whether it is to a restaurant, the cinema or to the shops, and let them know exactly how you would like them to behave. Children are often better behaved if they are prepared and they know exactly what is expected of them. Encourage and reward good behaviour The most positive ‘new’ parenting skill to have emerged over the past twenty years is the encouragement and reward of good behaviour and paying less attention to poor. Children, as I have already said, love attention and the praise and positive attention they receive from behaving well will spur them on to behave in that way again. Promising a reward for good behaviour is likely to produce more satisfactory results than threatening to punish bad behaviour. We now know that children who receive little attention from their parents will behave badly just to receive attention, even if that attention is a reprimand. Paying little or no attention to attention-seeking behaviour is likely to stop it. Be firm about poor behaviour However, I am not of the school that believes in completely ignoring poor behaviour. Children must immediately be told that whatever they were doing is unacceptable, otherwise how will they ever know? If it persists, there is no discussion but an immediate penalty should be enforced. Parents who allow their children to always give a reason for their bad behaviour are only encouraging them to make excuses and not accept responsibility for their actions, and this is just storing up problems for the future. Children must learn to accept the consequences of their actions, otherwise they will never accept blame, even when they clearly are to blame. The constant drone from teenagers of, ‘It’s not my fault,’ will in a way be correct, as they have never been taught to be responsible for their actions. Teach why the word ‘No’ must always mean ‘No’ How many times have we watched a badly behaved child with its parents and thought to ourselves, ‘Doesn’t that child understand the meaning of the word “No”?’ The answer is, clearly, no. But it’s not the child’s fault, as the parents have unintentionally trained him that way. It is surprising how many children are taught that ‘No’ means ‘Maybe’ and, to some, ‘No’ eventually means ‘Yes’. Parents eventually giving in to their children’s continual requests for something may seem harmless, but it will be a complete pain in the backside when, ten years down the line, it becomes a perpetual droning every time they want something. And this is how it happens. For example, a toddler wants another biscuit and the parent says, ‘No.’ The toddler will then go on and on that she wants another biscuit. The parent still says, ‘No.’ Bear in mind toddlers have little conception of time. So the child continues to whine about the biscuit. The parent often becomes fed up with the whining and to keep the peace gives in and gives the child another biscuit with some lame response, such as, ‘Now this really is your last one.’ By this seemingly harmless action, the child has been taught that although ‘No’ was said several times, if she whines long enough she will eventually get what she wants. And let’s face it, at the time it may seem so much easier to give in than to hold your ground, but be firm. And don’t be fooled by the dramatics; a young child begging for another biscuit then crying for just one more will pull at the old heart strings. Stand your ground. You are doing your child a disservice if you give in. In a situation like this, if you have said, ‘No,’ remove the biscuits or the wanted item out of sight, and divert the child’s attention with a toy, a book, a drawing, anything. If you are in company, don’t be embarrassed, simply explain, you’ll get far more respect than if you’re seen to be giving in. If you start this at an early age, a child will have learnt that ‘No’ means ‘No’ by the time they are three or four, and life will be much easier. This is not to say they will never ask a second or third time for something, after all you want them to show a bit of spirit, but they will expect and accept a definitive ‘No’. Remain calm and in control ‘Easier said than done!’ you’re probably thinking, when the children have been arguing all day, refuse to leave the TV and won’t do their homework or tidy their room. In a perfect world we would never lose our tempers and shout at our children, but in a perfect world our children would never do anything to make us. However, in the real world they do and sometimes we do lose it. In such cases when you suddenly snap and scream or shout at your children, if they are young, they may burst into tears as they have never seen their mother or father in this state and it frightens them. As soon as you compose yourself, apologize to them and say that you’re sorry you lost your temper. Some young children may need to be reassured that although you shouted you still love them. Don’t go thinking you are a terrible parent or having a guilt trip because you screamed a short monologue at your children. First, you are not alone and secondly, you are a parent not a saint! However, even older children can be upset by seeing a parent suddenly losing it. Again apologize, but do not let your sudden lack of control become the substitute for their punishment. If during your rant you unrealistically said that they were not going to go out for a month and anything still remaining on their bedroom floor was going to be binned, when you have composed yourself, impose a sensible punishment. If your children are not used to seeing you lose control, they too will feel guilty that they pushed you that far, where in truth it was possibly a combination of things, culminating in their behaviour being ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’. If this is the case explain it to them, as they can start to understand, as they get older, the pressures adults are put under with work, relationships, money issues and children. Try to stay calm. Making a habit of shouting at your children will just teach them that if you can’t control yourself, why should they? They will revert to shouting and screaming when they are angry. Shouting is very ineffective and they will cease listening to what you are saying. Some children actually quite enjoy seeing a parent losing their self-control and will wind them up accordingly. Don’t fall into that trap. It is far more effective to speak in a very firm, very controlled voice, as if to say, ‘I am in control and I intend remaining very much in control.’ Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 1–4 years old What to expect Toddlers are as much maligned as teenagers; they are labelled rebellious, defiant, even impossible. And yes they can be all those things. In fact these two development stages are similar, as the children are battling for independence. Our mission as parents from day one is to help, guide and educate them towards that independence. However, a few valuable points to remember about toddlers are: They have a short attention span They do not have the ability to see the consequences of their actions They are curious about everything They are easily distracted First, never forget that you are an adult. You are a responsible adult who can have a mortgage, drive a car, reproduce and earn a living. Your children may not yet be two, they probably can’t hold a pencil correctly, hold a conversation or control their bowels. So there’s no reason they should get the better of you, is there? Is there? At around two your toddlers will start to assert themselves as the battle for their ultimate goal, independence, begins, which will incorporate winning and losing a few battles along the way. This two-year period is actually the time when they suss out what sort of parents you are and how much they will be able to get away with in the future. Their respect for you starts here. Crack it now and life will be easier for all of you. Although your children won’t recognize it, they will feel reassured and safe knowing that their parents are there constantly guiding, helping, correcting and leading them on their long road to independence. Children need, and subconsciously want, boundaries and they need to know what they are. Keep rules simple so that they can understand, such as they are not allowed to hit the cat, or bang their sit-on car into the cupboard. Once they know their boundaries they will try and cross them. Very often they will watch for your reaction as they do it, as if to say, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Do something about it. Stop them immediately. In these examples, remove the cat or the car and tell them why. They will be so much happier for it (so will the cat). When toddlers start to disagree with you it’s not because they’re being disrespectful, they just have a different opinion. If you were to have a toddler that just sat quietly in the corner and obeyed your every command, then worry! Tantrums (Theirs Not Yours) Anytime from when your children are about 18 months you can prepare yourself for the onslaught of the tantrum, the ‘terrible twos’ as they are sometimes known. Toddlers should come with one of those warnings you see at theme parks for the scary rides: ‘If you suffer from a nervous disposition, high-blood pressure or a weak heart …’ But they don’t, and at times, although you may wish to throw your arms in the air and scream, don’t. Stay calm, keep control; you’re in for a rollercoaster ride and when it’s all over, just like the scary ride, you’ll think it wasn’t that bad after all. Although there will be times when you wonder why you never noticed someone replace your beautiful baby with the spawn of Satan, just remember that children do not have tantrums to anger you. They have them because they are frustrated or angry and they simply don’t know how to express themselves differently. All this said, never, ever give in to a tantrum otherwise they will still be throwing them when they are 19. Tantrums are like one-man shows: they need an audience to survive and thrive. Remove the audience and the performance will quickly end. Often there is some incident or response to an incident which ‘lights the blue touch paper’, and they’re off, stamping feet, crying, lying on the floor and kicking, all terribly dramatic. If you are at home and they are not in danger of hurting themselves, simply leave them where they are or put them into their bedroom, on a chair or the floor or the bed and leave. Do not close the door. Don’t raise your voice, get angry or be rough. Calmly tell them in a firm voice that when they stop crying and behaving in that way, they can come and see you. Then get out of sight, and stay out of sight until the child calms down. With no audience, they will soon stop. When they are calm they will either come to you or you go to them and explain how they should have expressed themselves. Then do not mention the incident again. It’s history. Simply move on and suggest something to do, but never give a sweet or biscuit immediately after a tantrum as this may be seen by the child as a reward. And that’s the last thing we want. If your child is flailing around and you are worried that he might harm himself, just hold him gently until he settles. If he tries to run off you may have to restrain him with a firmer hand. And if the incident has been sparked by a sweet, or a sibling’s toy, or a piece of clothing, remove it out of sight for the remainder of the day if possible. By the next day it will be forgotten. If they start to throw a tantrum in the supermarket, immediately take them outside or back to the car. Tell them in a firm voice that they can stop that type of behaviour immediately and let them cool off, then begin again. Under no circumstances leave the food shopping for another day. When your children have settled down explain what you are going to do (the shopping), and ask for their help; if they do help they can have a reward of a sweet or comic afterwards. Never give in when you are in public because of the fuss they are making. There are loads of parents who are going to recognize what’s happening; we’ve all had children throwing screaming tantrums in public and we will all silently pat you on the back for doing the right thing. If your child is creating in his pushchair in the supermarket or shop and someone thinks it would be kind to offer the child a sweet, immediately thank them but take it and say that they can have it later. The silent tantrum The silent tantrum consists of your child lying on the floor face down and refusing to get up or move. This type of tantrum, for some unknown reason, does not seem to happen much at home. The little darlings seem to like to keep this gem for public outings, such as supermarkets and shops. The best way to deal with this show of wills is to ask them to get up, to which they will probably not reply, then calmly say that you are going home, and if they would like to come would they please come now. This will either be met with a stony silence or a ‘No’. If they happen to be lying in the middle of an aisle or in an inconvenient place (they’re all inconvenient, you shout), simply say, ‘I’ll just move you to one side [and do], because you are in everyone’s way. Now I’m off home. Goodbye.’ Move a few yards away, not letting them out of your sight, but slightly hidden so when they look up for you in about thirty seconds, they will not immediately see you. They will then probably get up and you can go and retrieve them and leave together. You will soon get to know the warning signs of an impending tantrum, so as far as possible try to avoid them. Trying to avoid tantrums Try not to let your toddler get overtired. Stick to regular nap and sleep times. Keep to a daily routine as far as possible. Keep them regularly fed and watered, especially before going out, and take a healthy snack with you. Cancel going out if you feel your toddler is sickening for something or unwell. Avoid saying the word ‘No’ to their every request. Say, ‘Perhaps,’ or ‘Maybe later,’ or ‘That sounds like a good idea.’ Of course, you must still use the word ‘No’ for discipline. AVOID ARGUING The stand-up battle of wills is only training your child to argue and is to be avoided at all costs. Where possible find an alternative to the confrontation; it will be far less stressful for everyone concerned. If you would like your toddler to do something that you know he will not want to do, try not to ask directly. For instance, try not to say, ‘Please undress for bed now,’ which for a toddler is just the perfect excuse to say, ‘No.’ Try a bit of reverse psychology, as in, ‘I bet you can’t get undressed in the time it takes me to run to the kitchen and fetch your drink. Ready, steady go,’ which is far more likely to have them undressing as quickly as possible. And by the way, let them win. Tell them you can’t believe how fast they were and the next time you’ll have to run faster. RESPONSIBILITY From the age of about two, children like to start to feel responsible and as they are battling for their independence it’s a good idea to give them some responsibility. You want to let your children think they are sometimes getting their way although they will be doing exactly what you want (just like husbands really!). For example, getting dressed can often cause problems with young children so put out two outfits and ask them to choose which one they would like to wear. In their minds they have got their own way but then so have you. Everyone is happy. Ask them to try and get in the car seat themselves and do up their harness. Would they prefer to help Mummy make the beds first or do the dusting? Only ever give them a choice of two things. Pushchairs are often a cause for a battle. If they don’t want to get in, then, if possible, let them push it, but put reins or a child lead either on them or on the pushchair so you are still in some control. DISTRACTION Toddlers have a very short attention span and are easily diverted so use this to your advantage. On the verge of a strop (the toddler’s not yours) or just starting to do something you rather they didn’t, distract them. ‘Did you see that bird out the window? Quick let’s see if it’s still there!’ ‘Quick, come and see the spider running under the bed.’ Ok, there was no bird or spider but they don’t know that and while they’re looking for them they have completely forgotten what they were about to do. Use your imagination. Never forget you’re an adult and they are not yet four. HOW TO AVOID GOING MAD Toddlerproof your house, i.e. fit cupboard locks, put make-up, shampoos, etc. out of their reach (remember they can climb). It is a good idea to let them have one cupboard in the kitchen they can empty, filled with saucepans and plastic bowls. Try always to have someone look after your toddler if you have to go shopping. If it is another parent, offer to take their child while they shop. If you are a full-time parent, try and have someone look after your toddler one or two afternoons a week so you can play at being an adult again. Keep calm, keep your sense of humour and keep a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge to unwind with in the evenings. Whining Although young children still have ‘young voices’, discourage them from regressing to whining or ‘baby voices’ when they want something. Crouch down so you are eye to eye and explain that you cannot understand what they are saying and would they please talk in a normal voice. Snatching As your toddler will have probably done very little socializing with other children they will not have come across many opportunities to share, and the first time another child snatches their favourite toy away may just be the first time your child whacks someone. Show them how to share by giving a toy to one child to play with for a certain time and then explaining that it is the other child’s turn with it. Find a different toy to be played with in the meantime. When the time is up ask the child with the favoured toy to pass it to the other child and make a fuss of him when he does and vice versa. If you have children coming to your house and your child has a very special toy, ask him if he is happy for other children to play with it, although they cannot take it home, or would he rather find some other toys they can play with and put the special toy away until they have left? Children are far more co-operative if they have had a hand in making the decision. Also note that if you are visiting another child’s home that favourite toy had better remain at home if your child does not wish to share it, as long as he chooses another toy to take. Aggression – biting, hitting and pinching Children can demonstrate aggression by biting, kicking, hitting, pinching and throwing things. Don’t worry, it is not abnormal behaviour among toddlers, but it is totally unacceptable and must be immediately discouraged. WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT If your daughter bites, hits or pinches another child, immediately tell her in your firm voice with a firm look on your face, ‘No, you are not to bite/hit/pinch.’ First, ask her to apologize to the victim and check the victim is ok. Then remove her to a quiet place to sit or stand with you for a few minutes’ cooling-off time. Do not talk to your child during the cooling-off time (about two minutes) as she might get to see it as one-to-one attention. Afterwards, explain that it is perfectly normal for children to get angry – Mummy gets angry and the best thing to do is to put your hands on your hips and say, ‘I am very angry.’ Get her to practise it in front of you and then send her back to play. The hands on the hips just occupies the hands, preventing her from lashing out. If she throws something, immediately tell her, ‘No,’ and take her to pick it up and help clear up if anything was knocked over, then continue as above. Why they are aggressive ANGER AND FRUSTRATION Toddlers can become angry just like adults. They are lacking in communication skills and feel they have no other ways of expressing themselves in certain situations, e.g. another child takes a toy from them. Explain how to express their feelings when somebody takes something. They should say, ‘No,’ to their friend or come and tell you or whoever is looking after them. If you have been on holiday or away on business they can be aggressive as a type of revenge for not seeing you, and again they have no other way to express themselves. ATTENTION Some children even this young will realize and enjoy the attention they receive when they bite or hit. Be sure to encourage and praise more social behaviour such as playing nicely with a friend, saying please or thank you. Make sure they are getting plenty of positive attention. FEELING THREATENED If children feel overwhelmed by their surroundings or there are too many children for them to cope with they may bite or lash out as a self-defence tactic if they feel endangered. If you feel your child is finding it hard to cope in certain situations try and avoid them until he or she is a few months older. INSECURITY Domestic arrangements suddenly changing can cause children to feel very unsettled and they may suddenly begin biting or become aggressive. Divorce, death, even parents returning to work can trigger this behaviour. Give your child plenty of reassurance. TOO MUCH ENERGY Toddlers have an abundance of energy which can build up inside them until they eventually ‘blow’. To avoid this pitfall make sure they have a good run around every day and some fresh air. If they sit in front of violent cartoons all day with no exercise they may well lash out if they are asked to do something they are not so keen on. FEAR If children feel afraid, in danger or threatened they can often misbehave to try and protect themselves. Three-and four-year-olds start to have a sense of the world around them and this can arouse all sorts of fears. If you think this is the problem, talk to and reassure your children. Never undermine children’s emotions. COPYING Some households still believe in slapping children as punishment and children from these families will automatically assume they can do the same. If children pinch bottoms it is more likely they have seen their parents pinch each other’s bottom and liked the reaction of the recipient. Mothers very often gently pinch their child’s bottom, so if your child pinches someone’s bottom explain that you can only do that within families. Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 5–14 years old Children, whether you believe it or not, actually want to please their parents and when they demonstrate poor or unacceptable behaviour they are doing it for a reason. The trouble is they won’t realize the reason themselves and it will be up to you as parents to find out what it is. Try talking to your children to see what they are feeling. It would be so much simpler if children could explain their problem. If only they could tell us, for example, ‘Mum, Dad, look it’s like this, I’ve had your undivided attention for four years and now there’s this new kid in my territory, in fact in my old cot. She’s taking a large portion of your time and, quite frankly, I’m not happy. So to vent my feelings I’m going to throw a tantrum the next time we are in a caf?.’ You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that problem, jealousy, but it’s finding out by trying to decipher their behaviour which is the tricky bit. However, once you have worked out what the problem is you can address the root cause and hopefully see a change in their behaviour. This may take a bit of trial and error. Problem Any behaviour that may get them noticed by their parents, e.g. shouting, jumping up and down, constantly interrupting. Children usually look to see if their parents are watching whilst they are ‘performing’. Possible cause Lack of positive attention. Some children simply do not have enough positive time with their parents and ‘perform’ for their attention. Other children will misbehave because when they do, they get far more attention than when they behave well. SOLUTION Basically, children have needs which are not being met. ‘You must be joking,’ you’re probably thinking, ‘They have TVs, videos, DVDs, CD players, bikes, Playstations and a wardrobe full of designer clothes. They’ve got everything they could possibly want.’ And herein could well lie the problem. None of these are essential for happy, well-behaved children, although you may think they are. What is essential for children from their parents is regular physical contact, individual attention, respect and positive time. Young children often interrupt phone calls or parents talking for their attention. If you have been out working all day, avoid long chats on the phone when your children are desperate to see you. Wait until they are in bed. Screen calls with an answerphone. Children will interrupt less and less the older they get. If they interrupt while you are talking to someone else, tell them firmly not to interrupt and that when you have finished talking they will have your undivided attention. Problem Aggression, hitting, lashing out. Not controlling their temper. Truancy. Possible cause Parents’ divorce, serious illness in the family, frustration at school through possible learning disorders or being bullied. Simple frustration. SOLUTION Divorce – Although doctors are in general agreement that children are better off with one happy parent rather than two unhappy parents, the trauma of divorce takes its toll on everyone concerned. As adults, parents must put their children’s well-being before their own feelings of hurt. Few divorces are harmonious and usually one parent is far more embittered than the other, but however wronged you feel, however much you now despise your ex, never, ever, use your children as some sort of emotional pawn. They have done nothing to deserve it. Your children still love both parents and however much you want them to hate your ex as much as you do, leave your children out of it. Avoid saying awful things about your ex to them or somebody else in their hearing range. It is hard enough for children when their parents separate so don’t make it worse by trying to get the children to take sides. A few years down the line you may be happier than ever with a new partner but your children may carry their emotional scars for the rest of their lives. And don’t make it difficult for your ex to see the children; why punish the children? If only one good thing can come out of your divorce make it your children’s smooth passage from a two-parent family to two single-parent families. Children often blame themselves for divorce so they will need extra physical contact and love for reassurance. Depending on their ages, explain what is happening, and I don’t mean, ‘Your father’s a filthy, lying, cheating swine,’ but a simple, ‘Sometimes adults don’t get on any more and don’t want to live together, but Daddy and I both love you very much.’ Anger – Do not wait until your daughter hits her brother for the fourth time. After the first whack take her away from the action to a quiet spot to cool off. Explain very firmly that you must never hit another person and as an immediate penalty reduce her TV time that day. Let her have a five-minute cool-off period. She must apologize to her victim, then taking hold of her hand or putting your arm around her, talk to her about her anger and try and get to the bottom of it. Just because she hit her brother does not necessarily mean that her brother is the cause of her anger. However angry you are with children never shout, call them names or hit them. This will only teach them that they can deal with their anger by behaving in an aggressive and verbal way. Explain to your child that it is perfectly normal to get angry but they must learn to control it and perhaps the next time she wants to hit her brother to move away from the situation or to come and see you or go and hit the pillow on her bed. Isolated incidents can be dealt with quickly but repeated shows of aggression suggest a deeper-lying problem. Try and find out the cause of the problem by talking to them but if the aggression persists, seek professional help. Illness – Depending on their age, explain the illness. Try and reassure your children that everything possible is being done to help cure the patient and a home-made get-well card would really cheer them up. School – If you suspect there is a problem at school, whether academic or social, ask your child first, but if they are not forthcoming contact your child’s teacher. If you suspect your child is being bullied, immediately make an appointment to see the head of the school. Frustration – Talk to your children about friends, school, activities and the family to try to discover the root of the frustration and then help to dispel it. Problem Sudden change in behaviour, throwing tantrums, aggression towards a sibling. Possible cause Jealousy, change of circumstances, inferiority complex. SOLUTION Jealousy – Sibling rivalry is hard to stop. Jealousy is an emotion that’s not easy to just shut down, however much you reassure them. As parents you simply cannot be expected to be judge and jury for all of their squabbles or treat them exactly the same because all children are individuals. Bickering siblings seem to upset the parents more than the children. Whenever I heard mine squabbling I would go in to see what was going on and sometimes they agreed they were fine. Sometimes they were not. Unless they start becoming violent just ask them to go to another room or outside so that you can’t hear. If their bickering does get aggressive just separate them into different rooms and tell them to play on their own. Don’t feel guilty if you find that one week you are spending more time with one child than the other. You cannot expect to have a stop-clock on sharing your time. In the end it will even itself out. When arguments become heated, try and help them come to a compromise they can both live with. This is a great exercise for children as it teaches them two of life’s essential skills: problem-solving and negotiation. Parents must be careful to avoid making comments such as, ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister,’ or, ‘Your brother is so good at Maths I can’t understand why you’re not.’ Children are individuals. They do not want to be constantly judged against their brothers or sisters. The oldest child often feels jealousy towards a new baby in the family no matter what you do to try and avoid it, and in a way can you blame them? After all, for a few years they have been the centre of your universe and now another child appears and takes some of your time with them away. Quel horreur! Asking the older child, however young, to help with the new baby, feeding, playing and generally being more hands-on often alleviates feelings of jealousy. And always make ‘special’ time to spend with the older child without the baby. My son was born exactly two years after my daughter and I thought I had done everything to avoid any jealousy. However, one day a few months later, I caught my daughter walking into my bedroom. Her brother was on a blanket on the floor, and she stepped on him as she walked over him, ‘Katherine, you just walked on your brother,’ I reprimanded. ‘Oh’, she replied ‘I didn’t see him.’ My son was quite ill as a baby and was hospitalized a few times within his first two years, so he did receive more attention than would be normal. For years my daughter was jealous of her brother (and admitted it) and once when she was about nine I was taking her to school and explaining that her brother was not going to school because he was ill. ‘I hope it’s life-threatening,’ she replied (little charmer). Anyway, fortunately, brother and sister are now very close. When arguments end in tears, as they sometimes will, sit in between the two children and tell them how lucky they are to have each other, how ‘only’ children have no-one to play with, and how hard it is as parents having to listen to their lovely children fighting with each other. Change of circumstances – Moving house, changing school, a new partner, a new nanny — any of these changes can make a child feel insecure and manifest itself in a change of behaviour. Once you have identified the problem, extra reassurance will usually resolve it. And that does not mean just a quick word. It may take several months of spending a little extra time with them and giving the reassurance that physical contact such as a protective arm around their shoulder or a hug can give. Introducing new partners can also arouse feelings of jealousy and conflicting loyalties. There is nothing like talking to your children to discuss the new situation. Ask them how they feel. Do they feel angry or threatened? Do your best to dispel their worries. You cannot expect children to be excited about their mother or father having a new partner or for a parent suddenly wanting to do everything ‘like a family’ with the new stand-in for the other parent. It will take time and patience, depending on your children’s age, how long their parents have been separated and the attitude of the parents to each other. Inferiority complex – Sometimes children will behave in silly ways to overcome a sense of inferiority, perhaps in class before a test or during PE. Not every child is going to be great at everything, so just continue to build up their self-esteem and explain that although they may not be able to climb the ropes in PE most people would love to be able to paint like them. ‘Defiant, me? No!!’ Problem Defiance, protests with attitude. Ignores or takes time about carrying out requests. Possible Cause Asserting themselves. Testing you and their boundaries. SOLUTION Asserting themselves – Children will go through periods of asserting themselves in their bid for independence. As children mature they are less likely to throw tantrums (unless you let them get away with them as toddlers), but they will make some type of stance to try and assert themselves. Children may well become defiant when asked to do something to see what reaction they receive. As children grow up the need for boundaries remains, although you will move them to accommodate their need for more independence and responsibility. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/penny-palmano/yes-please-thanks-teaching-children-of-all-ages-manners-resp/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. 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