Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager

Confident Teens: How to Raise a Positive, Confident and Happy Teenager Gael Lindenfield A Lindenfield guide to helping teenagers and young adults stay confident and feel good about themselves.Teens today need more help than ever. Being expected to grow up quickly; facing the problems of immense peer pressure; facing exam challenges – and getting to grips with the many changes and events of the teenage years can be exceedingly daunting.Confidence levels and the grown-up personality are moulded in your teens, and setbacks around this time can seriously impact on self-esteem in later life. However, confident teenagers should grow up to become confident people and this book shows how parents can best understand, support, befriend and give confidence to their teenage child.Written for adults, this is a candid and sympathetic guide which will help parents to be prepared for the roller coaster teenage years.Why it’s important to acknowledge that times have changed.• Why experimentation is important to your teen’s identity and well being.• How to nurture your child through a bad patch.• How to help your child develop healthy independence.• What teenagers worry about. Where to start with sexuality, drugs, work, college and the future.The book includes tips on how to deal with typical teenager scenarios and has a series of Golden Rules for parents to follow.Note that it has not been possible to include the same picture content that appeared in the original print version. Confident Teens How to raise a positive, confident and happy teenager Gael Lindenfield Dedication (#ulink_a31fd74b-80b1-58a5-be57-c5c3e451021c) To my husband, Stuart, who has been the most supportive co-parent I could ever have hoped to have. His optimism, down-to-earth wisdom and sense of fun helped transform many a moment of angst into a positive, uplifting experience. Table of Contents Cover Page (#u451ad750-e8d2-55dc-861c-f8afc020f4ad) Title Page (#u3257f003-e490-576a-8414-6431f6437593) Dedication (#u9b2eb6e7-f870-5b48-8dc2-a24d396f5270) Introduction (#ub845e8e7-4e8f-595e-914d-6ec66998e7b9) Part one (#ub20b7059-e19e-536c-8b18-d931ec3514b7) What Exactly is Confidence? (#u2b9d6165-61ad-5a99-8577-f11304e9ebdc) 21 Golden Rules (#u550cbfd0-06c0-5db8-9302-0e170a7a9d44) Part two (#litres_trial_promo) The Angst Tests (#litres_trial_promo) The Problems (#litres_trial_promo) Answer Time! (#litres_trial_promo) A Final Word (#litres_trial_promo) Further Help (#litres_trial_promo) Index (#litres_trial_promo) Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo) By the same author (#litres_trial_promo) Copyright (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) Introduction (#ulink_3a546142-350b-50e8-bfe8-5ad27d6237ae) Would you believe that it has taken me a full six years to summon up the confidence to write this book?! And that is in spite of: having re-built my own confidence from the rockiest of rock bottoms achieving a successful career for the past 25 years by helping others to build theirs receiving streams of letters and calls from grateful readers of one of my earlier books, Confident Children being asked countless times by parents, teachers, youth workers and editors to write this book and, most importantly: having launched two highly confident teenagers into the world. So, ‘what was your problem?’ you might well ask. In a nutshell, I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking on such a vital task, knowing that never in a million years could it be done perfectly! Then, thanks to a flash of insight, I realized that was exactly how so many parents of teens currently feel. The actual task of building enough confidence in children to enable them to thrive in today’s world is just as daunting as writing a book on the subject. The difference is that most parents have to tackle their task without the benefit of hindsight or professional expertise – and they don’t have the luxury of saying ‘No!’ So applying the magic of the ‘Just Do It!’ approach, I started to write. Once in the flow, my problem changed. I found that I had enough confidence and material to write five volumes! The big problem facing me now was how to contain myself and my subject. I knew I had to condense my thoughts into one slim book because how many parents have the time and energy to read much else? I hope that you will find this book easier to read and more practical to use than the encyclopaedia that could have emerged! Above all, teens need confident parents to set them an inspiring example. Therefore, one of my main aims in writing this book is to provide a self-help tool to build and boost your confidence as a parent. So, although for obvious reasons the content of the book centres around difficulties you may encounter, please don’t lose sight of the positives. The fact is that the vast majority of parents have a great time parenting their teens. I can honestly say that the years I spent with my teens were the most exciting and rewarding of my life. Of course there were some tantrums and traumas – I expected that. (Aren’t the dire warnings about adolescent angst and anti-social behaviour everywhere?) But what I didn’t expect was the amazing degree of fun, companionship and life-broadening experiences that totally outweighed the difficulties. I hope this proves to be your experience of parenting your teen as well. If from time to time it doesn’t, don’t take all the blame upon yourself. Doing this will neither help you nor your teen. Although as parents we have a powerful role to play in building the confidence of our children, we have to accept that many other factors can be highly influential as well. It is hard enough for adults to feel good about themselves in our current world. More and more people are feeling daunted by the competitive pressure that globalization has brought and the ever-moving goalposts in the world of work. At the same time, vast numbers of us are feeling personal failures. It is proving so hard to keep on top of the hectic lifestyle we lead and live up to the images of perfection that the mass media floods our minds with. Seeing so many adults around them ‘losing it’, is it any wonder that teenagers often feel that they have little chance in the jungle either? In addition, a number of you will have inherited extra obstacles. Your child may, for example, have a genetic pre-disposition which has stacked the cards against them. A shy or volatile temperament or an intellectual or physical disability can make it much harder for a child to achieve their potential and integrate into their community. Alternatively, your family may have had to struggle with social or economic disadvantages, which none of you asked for – or deserved! Teenagers from minority ethnic groups or from poor communities often have good reason to have less self-esteem and also have fewer chances to acquire the skills that help build confidence. Finally, please also remember that no one but a saint could sail through these challenging years without frequently running into problems and breaking many of the Golden Rules, which I discuss later. Confident parents are not perfect people. They know they have faults and make mistakes. But they persevere in spite of their own imperfections and setbacks. They do not remain daunted by challenges for long – when they decide to ‘go for it’, they embrace the challenges and enjoy them! Part one (#ulink_e67b0ad3-a206-539f-acd4-c241c8217f7c) Raising Confident Teens: Everything You Need to Know! What Exactly is Confidence? (#ulink_043d3bdd-3fce-545a-bec7-be90c7b77e84) ‘She’s an intelligent, talented girl and a pleasure to have in the class, but she could do so much more if only she had more confidence.’ ‘Yes, he does get picked on. If he was a bit more confident they’d probably leave him alone.’ ‘Why didn’t she tell me this herself? If I’d known before I could have helped. The trouble is that she’s so quiet. If she’d only speak up more in class.’ ‘There’s nothing stopping him but himself. He’s got to believe he can do it. He’s too much of a worrier.’ These are the kind of remarks that have sent parents running to see me. Their cry of despair and guilt is almost invariably the same: ‘I know she needs more confidence, but what can I do? I’ve tried everything. We couldn’t love the children more than we do. It’s not that we want them to be super-successful – we just want them to be happy and give them the best start in life. Where have we gone wrong?’ The first task, as in any kind of problem-solving process, is to stop beating ourselves up about what we have or haven’t done. The second is to break down what appears to be an impossibly giant problem into manageable proportions. If you promise to take care of the first, I will now attempt to help you with the second! Several years ago, after carefully observing the characteristics and behaviour of confident and not-so-confident people and studying the research, I decided that self-confidence is actually a package. In that package we would expect to find a good-enough supply of eight key ingredients. Some of these are personal qualities, which feed our inner confidence, and others are learned social skills, which enable us to handle the outside world in a confident manner. If we are lucky enough to have a good-enough supply of all eight of these ingredients, we seem to have an extra boost of personal power and feel and appear to be what I call Super Confident. 8 Key Ingredients of Super Confidence Inner confidence: self-love (adopting self-nurturing behaviour and lifestyle) self-knowledge (reflecting on feelings, thoughts and behaviour) clear goals (having a strong sense of purpose) positive thinking (expecting and looking for good experiences and outcomes) Outer confidence: communication skills (communicating effectively with people) self-presentation (‘looking the part’ of a confident person) assertiveness (expressing needs directly and insisting upon one’s rights) emotional control (keeping ‘the upper hand’ on emotions) Meet the Super Confident Teen Now I’d like you to use your imagination to visualize some teenagers brimming with ‘super confidence’. I am aware that, unless you inhabit a different planet to me, you might find it difficult to bring this image to mind. So here are some clues. This is what you should be imagining: 1. Being full of SELF-LOVE, you would see them: eating highly nutritious, well-balanced, regular meals; keeping away from all forms of junk food and going very easy on toxic drinks saying a firm ‘No’ to debilitating late nights and all night raves sharing their achievements openly and proudly with the rest of the world and never putting themselves down 2. Having a high degree of SELF-KNOWLEDGE, you would see them: looking at ease if you saw them confronted with a difficult decision or dilemma because they have such a clear idea of what they believe to be right and wrong achieving goals because they know exactly what their strengths and weaknesses are, and they would play on one and avoid using the other 3. Having CLEAR GOALS, you would see them: leaping out of bed with enthusiasm each morning because they would be pursuing a vivid ‘life-dream’ working purposefully. You would never catch them dithering about what to do next 4. Being great POSITIVE THINKERS, you would see them: chatting optimistically about their future plans looking for the best qualities in the people around them 5. Being highly SKILLED COMMUNICATORS, you would see them: listening carefully and patiently before saying their piece presenting their case in an articulate and appealing manner 6. Being skilled at SELF-PRESENTATION, you would see them: choosing to wear clean, eye-catching clothes refusing to wear or be sold clothes that didn’t suit them even though they might be the latest ‘in’ look keeping their living space adequately tidy and attractive 7. Knowing how to be ASSERTIVE, you would see them: negotiating for their rights using a calm voice and logical argument willingly compromising more often than not standing up for the rights of people who are not able to fight their own battles 8. Having great EMOTIONAL CONTROL, you would see them: calmly doing relaxation exercises before any anxiety-provoking occasion such as an exam or interview controlling their temper in the face of frustration re-motivating themselves with rewards and positive self-talk when they hit a rough patch or a setback Would it be a dream to live with such a creature? No, of course not. In fact, I think it would be a nightmare! You might appreciate it for an odd day or two, but not I guess for much longer. You wouldn’t like to live with a paragon of consistent confident virtue anymore than they would like saints for their parents. So why did I ask you to visualize a teenager brimming with super confidence? Well, in self-development work I have found that even if our aim is to reach a good-enough standard 95% of the time, it is useful to have an image of perfection by which to judge our progress and inspire us to attain on the odd occasion! About the Golden Rules In the following chapter you will find the 21 Golden Rules for parents, which will show you step-by-step how to build a good-enough measure of inner and outer confidence in your teenager. Hopefully you will find the rules easy to remember so that they can be used as a day-to-day guide. As each rule contains a number of tips, I envisage that they could also serve as a checklist to consult when you encounter a problem that you feel overwhelmed by. I have devised the Golden Rules as ‘standards of excellence’ – reflecting on how you are measuring up against each Rule may give you an idea of where to start making some changes. But don’t forget, as I said in my introduction, this is a ‘rough guide’ and not a ‘bible’– it is good for parents, as well as teenagers, to break rules sometimes! It is good for parents to break rules sometimes! 21 Golden Rules (#ulink_44f784e8-4fbb-5df2-a41e-efdee4ca81d7) Rule 1: Teach by Example Before Giving Instructions ‘I tell myself time and again to overlook mother’s bad example. I only want to see her good points, and to look inside myself for what is lacking in her. But it doesn’t work…’ Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl It is no coincidence that I have put this particular rule at the top of my list. I firmly believe that the single most important thing we can do to help our teenagers develop confidence is to ensure that our own is as strong and healthy as it possibly can be. Ironically, it is during this stage of parenting that our own confidence is often at its most rocky. Not only is it usually midlife crisis time for us personally and in our careers, it is also a time when, as parents, we are continually faced with daunting dilemmas and decisions that we know will have profound consequences on the future of our child. Rarely can we be sure that we will get it right. ‘Should we put our foot down now or will that make her more rebellious?’ ‘I want him to be happy and enthusiastic about his work, but if I let him give up that subject, will it hold him back at University?’ ‘If we ban smoking at home, won’t that make them go underground with it and then what?’ Once we have made up our agonized mind, we may then have to face a barrage of opposition. We can sometimes feel very isolated and alone. Even those closest to us may disagree with the line we take or the decision we make. Most of us find that over at least some issues we are on opposite sides of the fence to people who have hitherto been great sources of support and love. It’s not just our newly empowered and often rebellious teens who will tell us that we are most definitely wrong. Many of the people who have consulted me have found that, at the same time, they also have to face opposition from their other children, their partner, the grandparents, teachers and sports coaches. ‘Parents of young adolescents are often struggling with their own midlife crisis at the time when their children reach puberty.’ Laurence Steinberg with Wendy Steinberg, Crossing Paths Being human, many of us will then find that our frustration gets the better of us. We start responding to this criticism in ways that we know we shouldn’t. For example, we might counter our teen’s ‘attack’ with equally hurtful putdowns, such as ‘That’s a bit rare coming from someone with a pigsty of a bedroom like yours’ or an authoritarian reminder of the limit of their power, such as ‘Don’t cheek me or you’ll be sorry’. Perhaps teaching by example will be the best parenting tool you will ever have. It is likely to continue to wield its impact long after our children have left home, as these examples from adults with confidence problems illustrate. Josie, a student from a small rural town, was in her first year at university in London – she was referred for counselling by her tutor who spotted that she was underachieving. ‘My parents hardly ever went anywhere. We lived in a quiet street and although the neighbours were very friendly, mostly we kept ourselves to ourselves. Both mum and dad are quite shy – I suppose I take after them. Mum was on pills for her nerves from the doctors most of the time. She’s not seriously ill or anything. She just gets very nervous and hasn’t got much confidence. …I never went on any of the school holidays – mum would have worried too much and anyway, I know I would have been too homesick. Our holidays were taken in our own caravan and we usually went to the same spot in Brittany. Often my mum’s sister’s family came with us. I’m not complaining. I had a very happy childhood. We’re a close family and I always got on well with my younger sister. She’s my best friend. It was a real culture shock when I came here to university. I’d only ever been to London once or twice before – just to do the usual visits to the museums. I didn’t even have to come for an interview here. …The girls in hall were very friendly; I suppose after a while I just retreated into my shell. I went out a few times but I felt silly – well, different, anyway. So I just started to make excuses. But I don’t want to go back home. I like the course and my parents would be really upset if I quit. You see, I’m the first in the family to go to university – it’s funny, they think I’m really confident!’ Jill, a 37–year-old marketing manager, was seeking help because she was depressed. ‘I never thought I’d hear myself saying this but I’m just like my mother – though she’d be the last person to see it. I’m everything she’d like to be. She’s always telling me that she wished she had a life like mine. A busy job, always out meeting people and giving presentations. What she doesn’t know is I hate it. I’m in a panic the whole time. I am always worrying about what people think of me. And I know I am often considered “stand-offish”. Boyfriends are always saying they can’t get through to me. That’s because I don’t let them. Thetruth is that I don’t like myself very much – so basically I am like my mother. I can remember getting really mad with her as a teenager when she put herself down all the time. Now I find myself doing just the same. I may not be doing it openly like her, but inside I’m always knocking myself…I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy.’ Jim, a 29–year-old gas fitter, was dragged to counselling by his wife because their marriage was on the rocks, mainly due to his short fuse. ‘My dad never stood up to my mother. She walked all over him. But then he never stood up to anyone…I remember an occasion when we were on holiday when I was fourteen. We were on the beach and had set up our chairs and towels. We went off for a swim and when we came back the chairs had been moved and another family had taken our spot. My dad said nothing to them. When I said it wasn’t fair, he just said (as he always did): “It’s best not to make a fuss. It only leads to trouble.” I was determined no one was going get the better of me like that. But I don’t want to blame him. I should be able to control myself…it’s all a front. You know, inside I’m a real softie. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Would you believe what I really wanted to be was a doctor. I had the brains but not the bedside manner! And you know this is my third attempt at the marriage game, don’t you?’ All these parents had cared deeply for their children. There was never any shortage of love or security. But none of them were good-enough role models in terms of confidence. They would have been heartbroken if they knew what unhappiness this inadequacy had caused. Sadly, it would have been so easy to correct. It is never too late to build confidence. So for those of you who know that your own confidence is shakier than you would like it to be, here are some tips which I hope will help. It is never too late to become a confident parent. Top Tips • Find sources of support before you need them. Ironically, the worst time to be searching for support is when our self-esteem is at its rockiest. If you know that there is a chance that your confidence could plummet under the pressure of parenting your teen, make sure that you have already identified the people to whom you could turn to for help. This could be a professional person such as your doctor, or an approachable teacher at school. Tell them of your concern. (Your lack of confidence may not be obvious to the outside world.) Ask them if they would be prepared to support you through any crisis. You could even talk through some contingency plans with them. To save you worrying alone with some of your worst fears, make plans for how to cope should your worst fear be realized. Preparation is one of the unsung skills of confident people. Test yourself with these examples: – Your daughter is sleeping with her boyfriend. What would you do if she became pregnant? Who would you first turn to? What organizations might be your best support? – Your son is going around with a group of friends and you know that at least two of his friends smoke cannabis. What would you do if the police come knocking on the door one day? Who could best advise you in this situation? – Your daughter fails an important exam. She is devastated and won’t be consoled by you? Who could you turn to for support? – Your son’s girlfriend has finished with him. He says he doesn’t care, but he’s become very moody. He isn’t washing or eating very much. You are worried he might be becoming seriously depressed. Who could you turn to? Who might be the best person to talk to your son? Preparation is one of the unsung skills of confident people. • Meet regularly with other parents of teens – even though you may moan and groan together sometimes, make sure that the majority of your contacts enjoy being parents most of the time. You can either do this informally with friends or neighbours, or formally by joining a parenting network group. (Your library or the Internet will have details of groups in your area.) The test of whether a group or friends are truly supportive of you is whether you can feel free to share your successes as well as your problems. Try it out by telling someone how pleased you were with a good decision you made or how well you responded in a certain crisis. (Tough medicine, I know, for people who lack confidence!) • Start and finish each day doing something that you enjoy. How many times do you go to bed feeling stressed and harassed and then wake-up feeling even worse? Get in the habit of making both getting up and going to bed relaxing and self-nurturing experiences. Try taking an aromatherapy bath instead of a shower; listening to your favourite music instead of the depressing news; reading a chapter of an uplifting novel before reading the paper, or pampering your body with luxurious creams before ‘throwing on’ your clothes in the morning. • Start a new learning activity. Have you ever glanced at your teens’ homework or curriculum and felt woefully aware of how out-of-date some of your education and skills have become? (And, yes, they do rub it in!) Try counteracting the depressing effect of this reality by learning something new. This should be a stretching activity, but an enjoyable one. (You have enough of the daunting kind of challenges in your everyday life!) • Don’t ignore your own emotional hurts – you can expect plenty during this time from your teenager. By this age he or she should know the tender spots on your Achilles heel. And, unless they are unusually saintly, they will attack you there either because you will not give them what they want or simply because they have some axe to grind with the outside world. Our confidence can never be solid while we have emotional wounds festering inside us. Get into the habit of giving yourself a small treat or getting some extra support as soon as you can after you have been hurt. For example, if you get put down for being your age, immediately ring a good friend who you know will give you some sympathy. Or, should 90% of the meal you spent an hour preparing get left without comment, treat yourself to a 20-minute break listening to your favourite CD. Your confidence will be even more vulnerable to these kinds of hurts if you are harbouring emotional wounds from other sources as well. For example, we are less likely to stay strong in the face of a taunt or rejection from our teenager if we are still smarting from a quarrel with our partner or disappointment at work, or indeed the put-downs we ourselves received in our teens. If you suspect that this area is a particularly difficult one for you, try my book or audio tape Emotional Confidence, which could help. • Make time to continue doing an activity that you are good at. In spite of the fact that our teens often seem to be strangers passing in the night, looking after them is still incredibly time-consuming. It is so tempting to give up our free time to running a taxi service for them or because we are tired, just vegetating in front of the telly. Make the time to carry on doing at least one leisure activity which boosts your confidence simply because you know you are good at it. This will counteract the effect of having to live in the uncomfortable state of not knowing whether you are doing the right thing by your teen or not. (Aren’t we so often working for long-term benefits in an atmosphere of short-term angst?!) • Join an Assertiveness Training or Confidence Building class. I can’t tell you how often I have worked with parents of teens on such courses. Not only will they give you ideas on how to cope and techniques to help you stand up for your rights, I can assure you that you will also have fun and make long-lasting friendships. Rule 2: Ensure Your Wisdom is One (But Only One) Step Ahead Adolescence is a time when human brains and bodies go through important phases in their growth. Teenagers begin to develop the ability to think more broadly and deeply. The world that they perceive is much more complex than he or she has yet experienced, and the choices it offers (like ours!) no longer appear simple. The lists of available options are bewilderingly endless. Additionally, this is also the time when academic pressure is hotting up; curricula are more seriously challenging and teenagers are being exposed to a wider range of ideas, people and cultures. Not surprisingly, therefore, teenagers feel more secure if they think that they can rely on at least one parent to be a reliable source of wisdom on the issues which are of central concern to them and their development at this age. But of course, I am not suggesting that you need a degree in adolescent development before you start parenting a teen! On the contrary, be assured that a ‘know-all’ parent can be severely damaging to fragile confidence. Children of any age must never feel outclassed by our ‘superior’ adult knowledge or feel that their behaviour, progress or health concerns are merely being judged as typical or atypical of a certain theory or set of statistics on adolescence. ‘I didn’t want to hear about “typical adolescent problems” or “other girls” or “you’ll grow out of it”. I didn’t want to be treated the same as all-the-other-girls but as Anne in her own right.’ Anne Frank I am convinced that parents who do have some forewarning of what they and their children might expect during the teen years do cope better and are able to be more supportive to their children. During the course of reading this book, you should pick up most of the crucial ‘basics’ in terms of confidence building, but there are some other areas of knowledge that I believe would also be helpful to explore. In the following Top Tips list I have inserted some questions to ask yourself and discuss with your partner or friends. I haven’t included any answers for two reasons. Firstly, they would probably be out-of-date by the time this book is even printed. Secondly, I am hoping that this book is going to be read by parents from many different countries and cultures around the world and many of the answers could be different for each one of these. If the questions raise some doubts in your mind (or cause a few heated arguments at home!), this is a sure sign that you may need to do some homework yourself. In my Further Help section at the end of the book, I have recommended several good books and Internet sites, which could help. Alternatively, your local youth service or school should be more than happy to advise you. You may also find some of the answers by looking in teenage magazines, or watching their programmes on TV, or picking the brains of friends or relatives. But don’t forget that the key to living up to this rule (or any other for that matter) is humility! In this field no one can claim to be an expert for long. It is all too easy to become out-of-date. The lifestyles of teenagers and the issues which concern them change fast and furiously. What was a priority for one child may no longer be relevant for the generation which is only a couple of years behind. Your first child could sail through puberty without an apparent care in the world, while your next child could start exhibiting every symptom of adolescent ailment known to medical mankind. Alternatively, one child could have discovered their true vocation at the age of six, while the next appears to need 24–hour career counselling. Even if we were blessed with perfect parents ourselves, or have already successfully reared six teens or obtained a distinction in ‘Adolescent Studies’, we cannot assume we ever know enough. Every one of us could do with checking from time to time that our wisdom is still good-enough to underpin the developing confidence of our teenagers. Check that you know enough about the issues that are important to your teen to underpin their developing confidence. Top Tips • Swot up on your knowledge of adolescent development – it will help you to know what physical and mental changes you can expect to take place during these years of growth. You should be able to explain to them what is going on in their body and how that might be affecting their health, feelings and behaviour. – Do you know what is now the typical age for puberty for girls and boys? – Do you know at what age, roughly, you can expect a boy’s voice to break? – Do you know at what age most teenagers start experimenting with sex? – What are the differences between the physical growth and emotional maturity patterns of boys and girls at this age? • Increase your awareness of teenage culture – it will help if you have a good knowledge of the current concerns and preoccupations of this age group. If you understand these you will be less likely to jump to your own conclusions based just on your own personal experience or prejudice. – Do you know what is at the top of most teenagers’ list of worries? – Do most teenagers worry about their weight nowadays – or is the media concern about eating disorders quite out of proportion in the light of the latest research? – Do you know if peer pressure to smoke or take drugs is stronger than average in your community? • Talk to as wide a range of parents of teenagers as you can – it helps to have an idea of the experiences and problems which families outside your own immediate circle of friends commonly encounter. It may help reduce unnecessary worry and prevent some molehills from becoming mountainous quarrels. Joining a parenting class, workshop, support group or Internet chat-site can all be good ways of doing this. (You may also pick up many handy coping hints in the process!) – Can you name the three commonest causes of conflict between parents and teenagers in your country? – What is the average mid-week bedtime time for 14–year-olds and 17–year-olds in your community? • Acquire a professional assessment of their individual intellect and skills. It is obviously important to have an objective opinion of their innate potential. But it is also important, in terms of confidence building, to know how likely it is that they will be able to realize this, given the current standards and opportunities in their school and community and the trade in which they wish to work. This will help you to help them set realistic goals. You may be able to get this kind of assessment through the school, but many parents are now having their children privately assessed by educational psychologists or career advisors. Many of these offer reduced fees for people on low incomes. – What are the current necessary academic qualifications of people training for a) accountancy b) website design c) music d) nursing, or any other career which they may be currently considering? – Which are the three top social and personal skills that employers today value most? – What is the difference between IQ, EQ and SQ and can, or should, these and other kinds of intelligence be tested and assessed? • Find out which are the common telltale signs of physical and mental health problems in this age group – this will help to avoid crises and unnecessary worry. It will also give you an idea of when you should give them a ‘gentle push’ to face up to a symptom which may need professional help. – How might you tell the difference between a pre-exam tension headache and one which you should consult a doctor about? – How would you tell whether the proverbial obsession with zits has become a case for ‘acne action’? – If their sporting activity has decreased and you notice they become breathless more easily, what other problem might you be on the look out for as well? – If a sore throat has persisted for more than 14 days, should you ask for a blood test for glandular fever? – Is it common for girls to miss periods in the months leading up to exams? – Is skipping meals a possible sign of bulimia or anorexia? – If the pupils of their eyes are constantly dilated, what could be causing this symptom? – If they are reporting sleeplessness, what should concern you most – early morning waking or difficulty in getting off to sleep? • Gather information about community resources – you should have this handy even if you think you may never need it. (Just think how confidence boosting it could be for your teenager to give this helpful information to a friend?) – Do you know the number of your local drugs help-line? – Does your school have a free counselling service? – Do you have the address of your local youth advisory service? – Do you know of any charities who might be able to help low-income families with grants for school trips, extra tuition for learning problems, adventure holidays or sports coaching? – Do you know of any organizations which counsel or advise families going through divorce? – Do you know the address of your local bereavement counselling service? ‘My adolescent problems took their most violent form in a shyness of a pathological degree. Few people realize, now, that I have always been…an extremely shy creature – I compensate for this shyness by the typical Williams heartiness and bluster and sometimes explosive fury of behaviour.’ Tennessee Williams Rule 3: Listen Three Times as Much as you Talk ‘If I had to pick a single suggestion that was designed to help virtually all relationship and family problems, it would be to become a better listener…becoming a better listener is an art form, yet it’s not at all complicated.’ Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff with Your Family I hope you won’t take this rule literally! I am not suggesting that you do a time-analysis of every conversation you have with your teen. But I do hope that you will take the point that, for the purpose of confidence building, the apparently passive activity of listening is vital. Why is listening so important? Firstly, it is one of the most effective ways of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem. This is the main reason why every counsellor and psychotherapist spends so long refining this skill. Attentive listening is an effective way of showing a teenager respect and feeding their self-esteem. Secondly, attentive listening is one of the fastest ways of getting to know a person. And don’t forget that although you may think you know your child through and through after 12 years of intimate life with them, during these crucial developmental years most parents find themselves regularly surprised. With all the extra activity within their bodies and the extra input from the outside world, teenagers are in a state of permanent change. This means that our knowledge of them needs to be continually updated. Thirdly, talking to a good listener about ourselves – our thoughts and ideas – is the most effective way of clarifying what we need and want out of life. It is infinitely more useful than seeking direct advice. Undoubtedly, some people seem to be blessed from birth with a gift to listen. In fact, most people who apply to do counselling courses name this skill as one of their natural strengths. I certainly remember doing so and I also remember being seriously disappointed to find out during the course just how bad a listener I really was! Most of the time I was actually hearing what I wanted or expected to hear. It took months and months of rigorous and confrontational practical work to change some of my bad habits. (Even now, 25 years later, they re-surface from time to time, especially when I am over-stressed or emotionally involved.) As a parent you won’t of course need the level of skill you would expect from a counsellor. But listening is such a key confidence-building tool that I am sure it would be worthwhile reading through the following guidelines. You could re-read them whenever you find yourself locked in communication problems with your teen (and who doesn’t at some time!) For those of you who have shy, nervous or inarticulate children it might well be worthwhile to find a friend with whom to test out some of the strategies that I suggest. Good listening is not a skill that can be learned theoretically. It takes practise and good feedback to develop. Top Tips • Avoid directly suggesting you want or need ‘a talk’ – however kind your tone or however much they may need to talk, when the idea is put in that way it is often perceived at worst as ‘a threat’ and at best ‘a bore’. • Pick your moment and location carefully – of course the perfect time will rarely be available, but at least try to choose a time when neither of you is too stressed, tired or itching to focus your attention elsewhere. With boys, especially, it is usually best to talk while doing something together or alongside each other. As a general rule, it is best to avoid public situations, particularly for heart-to-heart talks or resolving conflict. However, I can recall having very meaningful and memorable conversations with my daughters in cafes while out shopping together. Perhaps the closeness we felt as a result of doing a shared ‘girly’ fun activity helped create the right atmosphere and allowed one of us to seize the moment. Some people find that it is much easier for their teen to open up when they are in their own territory. Others have told me that they have found that bedrooms are the biggest ‘no-go’ area for conversations. So once again, it is down to trial and error with each and every individual child. • Stay patient and positive. As long as you keep in mind that privacy is a major concern for this age group, and you are prepared to be rebuffed innumerable times and seize moments which may not be ideal for you, you will eventually win through. The temptation to talk to someone who really wants to listen is one very few humans can resist for long! • Go easy on the questions – instead use statements, observations and self-disclosure. You can say, for example: ‘I noticed that you didn’t eat your breakfast this morning. Perhaps you just weren’t hungry. I know I never felt like eating just before an exam.’ (Rather than: ‘Why didn’t you eat your breakfast?…Are you worried about the exam?’) Even if you don’t elicit a response, at least you have shown that you care and understand their feelings. • Mentally gag yourself for the first minute or two of your talk – don’t interrupt with your own thoughts, feelings or shared experiences. This is much harder to do than you might think. We often interrupt with our own story or feeling or experience quite automatically. (‘Funny you should say that, I was also…’ / ‘That never happens to me, I always…’) This is fine if you are having an ordinary social conversation with two adults, but less helpful if you are an adult with more power, articulacy and experience than a young person with fledgling confidence. • Use body language or encouraging ‘noises’ to show that you are listening – having gagged yourself, don’t turn to stone! It is important to communicate in some way that you really are listening. You can do this by, for example: – stopping or slowing down what you are doing – nodding – opening your eyes a little wider (not too much direct eye contact – it embarrasses and threatens most self-conscious adolescents) – leaning forward a little – uttering the odd ‘mnhs’, ‘Ohs’, ‘Ahs’ or ‘Really’s!’ – smiling (appropriately and not patronizingly, of course!) • If they dry up, resist the temptation to comment or speak for them – by coming in with your view or interpretation of what they are trying to say. (Yes, you will do it unless you consciously put the brakes on yourself!) • Reflect back what you have heard – you could just repeat some of the words or phrases they have used or the last sentence. This may seem a very strange thing to do until you have tried it. In fact, it is a common listening technique used by all the professionals. Watch a good chat show host or good coach and you will see how it works. For example: Teen: Well, of course I’m pissed off…I saw Sarah today coming out of school, didn’t I? You: Sarah? Teen: Yeah, and she just walked straight past me. You: She didn’t say anything to you? Teen: Yeah…last Saturday we were supposed to be going to the gig together. She said she’d be in the club that evening…like a real wally, I waited three hours for her. You: Three hours! • Try to feel what they might be feeling – sharing your own possible emotional reactions as if you were in their shoes sometimes helps them to express theirs more clearly. For example: ‘I guess you were pretty upset.’ / ‘I think I’d have been boiling mad.’ • Tune in to their body language – but don’t copy it exactly. If they are casually sitting down, sit down too, but you don’t have to put your feet on the table as well! Similarly, if they are talking loudly you don’t have to shout but at least don’t whisper. • Check out that you are picking up the right clues – teenagers are not usually as articulate as we are, so noticing their body language is very important. With boys who tend to be less emotionally articulate than girls in many cultures, this can help them express feelings they may not even know they had. You can say, for example: ‘I notice you tapping your finger…I was wondering if I am irritating you’ or, ‘I saw you glance at your watch, are you in a hurry or do you feel we have just been going over old stuff again?’ • Stay comfortable with silences – they may need longer than you would need to think of what to say or summon up the courage to speak honestly. Use the silences to pick up feelings and observe body language – you will still be listening. • To get them back on track, refer to phrases or words they have used – rather than directly telling them that they have digressed. For example: You: ‘When you said just now you met her coming out of school, were you on your own?’ Teen: ‘No, there was a whole crowd of us…and that git Kevin started having a go at me…He…’. • Summarize what you think they have said – do this from time to time and always at the end of important conversations. For example: ‘Hang on a minute, can I just check what I think you said? You’re still being bullied but you don’t want us to do anything about it.’ • Use a metaphor or another example to clarify your understanding – use one which seems to sum up the essence of the message which you think that they are trying to convey. Obviously it should be one which is meaningful for them. For example: ‘Sounds as though it feels a bit like standing in goal with a blindfold on’ or, ‘Was it a bit like that day when we got back from the sales having spent all day buying things that didn’t really fit us?’ • Ask ‘open questions’ to encourage more than one-word answers – for example, use questions which start with what, why and how. • Use ‘closed questions’ to round up your talk – these will usually do the opposite of the open questions. They encourage one-word answers. For example: ‘Do you just want to forget it now?…So shall we both get to bed?’ or ‘Do you think I understand more now?’ or ‘Have we covered everything now?’ • Move back or stand up when you want to finish – most people find themselves doing this naturally the moment they think they want to end a conversation. But in my experience many people do not, so it is worth checking yourself. It is one of those natural body signals that we can consciously use to influence the outcome we want. It can be more effective than trying to interrupt a teenager on a mission to convert you to his or her point of view! • Say what you intend to do or think about as a result of listening to them – this will really boost their confidence because it will indicate that you have taken what they said very seriously. For example: ‘Well, I think I understand now what is going on. I’d like to talk this over with mum before I say yes.’ ‘I can see now that all my questioning when you come home feels pressurizing. I’ll try to curb my nosiness.’ ‘I’ll ring the school to make an appointment to see Mr Duncan tomorrow.’ • Give them a compliment – this must be sincere, of course. If possible give them specific feedback so they will know exactly what they did well. For example: ‘I know it must have been difficult to tell me…I admire you for having the courage to…’ / ‘I think you explained the situation very clearly.’ • Finish with a positive comment – this could be sharing a feeling or summarizing what your talk together seems to have achieved. For example: ‘I really enjoyed hearing about…’ / ‘It seems as though we have cleared the air – I’m pleased.’ Rule 4: Think Before You Speak ‘The turning point for me was the day that I heard my mother’s words coming out of my own mouth.’ parent in counselling It is so easy to verbally put our foot in it with teenagers. Firstly, it is during their teen years that most children start, quite literally, to speak a different language. You will notice that they are using words and phrases that either you have never heard of or you have never heard used in that context. (It would be pointless for me to give you examples now because they would be out-of-date next week. Anyway, you will experience the phenomena very soon yourself!) The way forward for better communication is not for you to start using their new language (as well-meaning parents often try to do). That’s the fast track to losing their respect – they will perceive you as being either patronizing or just plain silly. Also, they might well become annoyed with you because you are undermining something that they need to do. Their use of this new language (and laughing at your ‘antiquated’ expressions!) is an important way of differentiating themselves from you and your generation. Using it helps them to be accepted by their peers. Your challenge as a parent is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark! Secondly, this is a time when we might well start to use more unhelpful ‘auto-language’. This is the expression I use to refer to the words and phrases which come out of our mouths without our conscious consent! They are programmed responses, many of which we picked up in early childhood. The teenage years are a time when ‘Like mother, like daughter’ and ‘Like father, like son’ syndromes emerge in us in full force. You may have already heard your parent’s voice resounding through your own, possibly saying things to your children you always vowed you’d never say. This can be a very uncomfortable and disconcerting experience. Very few people whose confidence was dented by their own parents’ words want to inflict the same experience on their children. Most of us try very hard to do the exact opposite. But, unless you opt for a complete ‘brain-wash’, you are stuck for life with many of your auto-language responses. They were programmed into your brain at an early age and are therefore exceptionally hard to shift. There is always a danger that they will emerge, in spite of your ‘better self’, when you are highly stressed, over-tired or emotionally wounded. As all of these states are familiar to parents of teens, is it any wonder that you may sound more like your mum and dad during these years?! But let’s not forget that not all our unwanted auto-language is inherited from our parents. We also pick up phrases and sayings that are commonly used in our surrounding culture. Many of these are relics from an age when ‘children were seen but not heard’. Because they are part of everyday language we may not notice when we are using them. Confident teenagers will dismiss them and make fun of them, but the not-so confident ones are at risk of being hurt by them. But, let’s not despair too much. We still have a conscious mind and it can help us exert a great deal of control over the language we use. The key to good communication is to stay yourself without sounding like an unapproachable relic from the ark! Top Tips • Play for time whenever you feel emotionally charged – this will help you to think before you speak. Before having any serious conversation with your teen, try to make a habit of taking time to de-stress yourself (see Rule 15 for tips on how to do this) and prepare what you are going to say. • Keep it short and keep it simple – this is a tip taken straight from the mouths of all the leading communication gurus. The less ‘flowery’ your language, the less of those alienating and antiquated expressions you are likely to use. • Make a ‘black list’ – write down the phrases that you heard your parents or teachers using that you want to avoid repeating. Add any unwanted clich?s you may have picked up from living in the culture in which you grew up. Read through this list frequently for a month. This will fix the phrases in your conscious mind and you will become much more aware of when you are using them. If this doesn’t work, try showing the list to your teen and ask them to tell you when you use them. They will usually be more than happy to oblige! • Avoid using ‘age labels’ – I certainly know I don’t like being lumped together with all ‘the middle-aged’ people in the world. But I know that I am still guilty of committing this ‘sin’ myself. (And yes, in a sense I have been doing it all the time throughout this book!) But in face-to-face communication, I believe we should all make a conscious effort to try to avoid using these kinds of labels (direct or implied). They do little good for anyone’s self-esteem. So watch out for expressions, such as: ‘You teens…’ ‘Your generation are…’ ‘Just typical adolescent behaviour…’ ‘You boys and your macho…’ ‘Girls of your age today are just…’ ‘It’s the hormones again!’ ‘You and your friends, you’re all the same…’ ‘Act your age…’ ‘When you are our age you’ll realize…’ ‘You think you’re so grown up but…’ ‘You may be a teenager but…’ • Watch out for ‘tit for tat’ responses to exaggerations – teenagers are, of course, prone to using these. It is understandable that they will do so. Their emotions are so often on the boil and they frequently feel very insecure and powerless. Here are some examples: ‘Everything is a mess’ ‘No-one ever listens to me’ ‘This is the only chance I’ll ever get’ ‘I’ll die if she doesn’t come’ ‘You always say…’ ‘Everyone else’s mother let’s them’ ‘I can’t go in without it, he’ll crucify me’ ‘My hair is a complete mess!’ It is also understandable that even the most rational, articulate parents often respond with similarly over-blown words and phrases. After all, we are also frequently feeling powerless and frustrated! When our brains pick up these emotive language cues either our hurt inner child or our controlling ‘auto-parent’ have a tendency to leap into similar action without our consent. As a result, you may (like the best of us!), find yourself using overstatements without even realizing that you are doing so. Ask your nearest and dearest to tell you when you say something like: ‘All you ever think about is you’ ‘You are driving me to complete distraction’ ‘How can you say that when we’ve sacrificed everything so that you could…’ ‘Your mother never has a moment to herself, leave her alone’ ‘Your father will have a heart attack if he finds out…’ • Cut, apologize for and rephrase the negative clich?s – we all laugh at them when we hear them in sitcoms, but they are not so funny in real-life. They are one of the worst kind of put-downs. Their sarcasm cuts into self-esteem even if they are rapidly thrown back in our face (where indeed they deserve to be). And yet they get used generation after generation with very little modification. Now that we live in an age which is more aware of the power of conditioning, we can stop the cycle. But you will find it hard, as indeed I did. Often the best we can hope for is that when we hear ourselves say them, we stop, say sorry and rephrase what we wanted to say. For example: ‘Is this what you call early?…Oh, sorry, that was unnecessarily sarcastic…Seriously, I have been very worried about you. You said you would be in early and I assumed that meant before 11.30.’ ‘One day you’ll be sorry…the way you carry on, you’ll become a…Oh God, I sound like my father…sorry, that wasn’t very helpful, I was just sounding off because I am worried.’ ‘So, that’s in fashion, is it?…Sorry, that’s a put-down. I was a bit taken aback, it looks odd to me, but then I am over 40!’ ‘Oh, I see, that’s tidy – I didn’t realize…Sorry I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I know you have tidied it, but you have forgotten to remove the coffee mugs and your boots and coat are still on the chair.’ ‘Whenever I come sailing in with a new hairstyle, I can read the disapproval on their faces, and I can be sure someone will ask what film star I’m trying to imitate. My reply that it is my own invention is greeted with cynicism.’ Anne Frank Rule 5: Review the ‘Rulebook’ Jointly and Frequently ‘The joy of being young is to disobey – but the trouble is, there are no longer any orders.’ Jean Cocteau Of course no self-respecting teen loves rules. Indeed, an essential part of their growing-up job is to hate them and break them! Perhaps you feel that your child has been doing just this from the moment he or she could walk or talk! If so, you may well wonder why rules should suddenly become such a special ‘issue’ at this time. The reason is that during their teen years, testing them takes on some different and quite specific extra functions. In their earlier years, children test rules either to get more attention from those who care for them or to establish a sense of security. ‘Pushing the limits’ gives them the confirmation that they are still being seen and heard and it helps them to map out their safety zones. It is a way of finding out where they can go and what they can say without getting hurt or losing the love of their carers. The moral implications of rules pass younger children by. This is quite simply because it isn’t until adolescence that our brains develop their capacity for abstract reasoning. So, until this time most children do not have the neural equipment to allow them to grapple with intellectual concepts. This means that although they may know what the world thinks is right and wrong, they cannot understand why they should or shouldn’t do something. Once they reach teenhood, testing the ‘rulebook’ becomes a tool which they can use to explore moral ideas and beliefs. (Provoking you into argument is of course another popular way of doing the same thing!) Discovering their own belief system is part of the quest for self-knowledge. (Self-knowledge is one of the essential elements of inner confidence, which we discussed earlier. See page 5.) Teenagers naturally experience an urge to find out what kind of person they are or want to be and to establish their own set of consistent values and beliefs. If they complete this task, they will then be able to act quickly and decisively on their own. In contrast, children who don’t discover their own belief system will always be dependent on others to help them make difficult decisions and let them know what is a right and what is a wrong course of action to take. Furthermore, not only do children need to challenge the rulebook in order to firm up their inner confidence, they need to do so for their outer confidence as well! If our children were to become the acquiescent saints that we sometimes wish they would be, how would they learn the invaluable skills of debate, negotiation, assertiveness and emotional control? These are, after all, essentially practical skills and they cannot be learned effectively in a theoretical way. Teenagers need to use a hands-on experimental approach – with you, the parents, as the ideal guinea pigs! You are the close-at-hand authority figures and have already proved your unconditional love innumerable times before. There is no escaping the challenges of the ‘rulebook’ if you truly want a confident teen! Of course it is tempting to try and avoid the trials and tribulations that obviously result from working through this particular stage of development. Many parents would say that their lives are difficult enough without having to turn their home into a battleground of wills. So it is not surprising that they opt out by, for example, doing one of the following: – throwing away the rulebook: ‘Okay, it’s your life…you make a mess of it if you want to…I don’t mind…you’ll soon find out on your own…I don’t know what’s right or wrong these days…you’ve got a key, do what you like…’ – handing over the task to someone else: ‘Wait till your father gets home…I wonder what your teacher is going to say when I tell him…I didn’t make the rules…it’s the law – a matter for the police…God is your judge, not me…’ – taking a ‘sickie’: ‘My head’s hurting, I can’t argue…you’ll kill me if you carry on like this…I’m too stressed…’ Hopefully, you haven’t yet succumbed to the temptation of going down one or other of these routes. Establishing and enforcing rules and boundaries are very much part of our parental responsibilities. Confidence cannot be built in an environment without them. It would be too scary and too risky. A light scorching of fingers can be informative and ‘character building’, but burning them can be discouraging and possibly dangerous. For example, if a teenage boy gets really drunk the night before a football match – and consequently plays badly – this can teach him an important lesson about the effects of alcohol abuse, whereas if a teenager secretly raids the forbidden drinks cabinet for ‘Dutch courage’ before driving, this could have dangerous consequences. Similarly, if a 13–year-old girl stays up most of the night listening to music and gets a late mark as a result, this can teach her a lesson about being more responsible, but if a 16–year-old girl skips the ‘curfew’ for an all night party before a crucial exam, this could have discouraging consequences for later years. I cannot guarantee that reviewing the rulebook frequently with your teen will dramatically reduce the hassles associated with this important parental task. But it will certainly help your child develop confidence in the process – and that has to be some kind of compensation! And looking ahead, another reassuring fact to keep in mind is that research has shown that the more young people are involved in this kind of decision making, the more likely they are to develop the same attitudes as their parents in late adolescence. ‘By slowly making your house rules more flexible, you give your teenager both freedom and safe limits…so the goal is not to abandon the playpen altogether but to gradually enlarge it.’ Steve Chalke, The Parentalk Guide to the Teenage Years Top Tips • Clarify your own values – do this on your own or with your co-parent or friends before you enter any discussion with your teen. You need to clarify in your own mind which rules are non-negotiable. These will be the ones which protect and support the core values and principles by which you want to lead your life and bring up your family. Why not test yourself now by listing: – 3 non-negotiable values or principles which you would expect anyone with whom you lived to respect (for example, non-violence, loyalty and honesty) – 6 values which you would ideally like to be respected, but which would be open to some negotiation (for example, privacy, self-direction and cleanliness). Once you have done this, set aside some time to talk to your teenager. You could begin by talking about the list you have just made and then asking for their opinion on it. Alternatively, you might prefer to look out for an informal way of bringing up the subject, such as after watching the news or a TV soap together, where there is an example of someone standing up for their values, or a person flouting someone else’s. Either way, it is important to eventually steer the discussion in a direction which will help them to think about their core values as well. When you are looking at the rules or discussing issues which relate to them, you can refer back to these discussions. Any imposed restriction will be much more acceptable if it is seen to be in line with either your own non-negotiable values or their own values. For example: ‘I know that you are not always hungry at the same time as us, but do you remember when we talked about this on the way to town last month? I explained why I felt so strongly that it should be one of our family rules that we all sit down for a meal together at least three or four times each week. This seems to be the best way for us to keep up with each others’ lives. It’s very important to me that we don’t becomestrangers that pass in the hall. It can so easily happen now that you are all growing up and are understandably out so much.’ ‘I appreciate that you do not like doing the washing-up, but I remember when we were talking about values last week – you were saying that justice was a key one for you…that’s why we agreed to have a rota.’ • Don’t beat about the bush – ‘Call a spade a spade’ as they say in Yorkshire, where I lived for much of my adulthood. Don’t be shy of the word ‘rule’. Don’t skirt around the subject. Be clear that a rule is what it is. It means that certain behaviour is unacceptable, rather than just merely disliked. Don’t ever assume that because ‘everyone’ knows that you have ‘strong views’ on a certain subject, they will automatically know that there is an unwritten rule. For example, if your teenager knows full well that you don’t like smoking or swearing, don’t assume that means that they know that they or their friends are not allowed to smoke or swear in the house. Similarly, they may know how seriously you view their academic work and how strongly you feel about the importance of homework. They may even respect you for your concern and fully agree with you. But, you may still need to clearly establish that one of the house rules is that homework is to be completed every night before starting any social activity. So instead of saying, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do your homework before going out when you know how important it is’, you could try saying something like, ‘We both believe that your academic work has to have top priority at the moment. Can we agree that doing your homework before coming down to watch TV is one of our rules?’ • Check in advance that you both know what the penalties are for breaking the rules – don’t find yourself in the position of trying to think these up in the heat of the aftermath. Aim at trying to get their agreement to the penalty whenever you can. For example: ‘So, we agree that you will be in by 10 pm on weekdays and that if you are not you will forfeit your right to stay out till midnight on Saturdays.’ • Choose a time when you are both positive and relaxed to do your reviews – as I write this, I can hear imaginary voices laughing derisively at this suggestion! Of course times like these are rare at your stage of family life, but at least you can try not to do the opposite! Refuse to get into a discussion about rules in the middle of an argument or late at night when your energy levels are low. If your teen tries to provoke you into an argument on the subject at an inappropriate time (and they will!), keep calm and repeatedly suggest a time when you would be able and willing to talk. For example: ‘I appreciate you think you have done your fair share, but I don’t want to discuss the cleaning rota now – we’re both het up and tired. Let’s talk about it over a coffee when you come in from school tomorrow. I’ll make sure I’m back early.’ • Demonstrate your willingness to bend the rules occasionally – but only on an advance notice basis and if they come prepared with a good argument to back up their case. It will give their confidence a terrific boost if they feel they can sometimes make you relax the rulebook. For example: ‘So you feel it is a special occasion and you have been working really hard without a break for two weeks…I suppose you have a point. Let’s say tonight’s an exception then.’ But don’t always expect the favour to be returned. This is a game about power and don’t forget that its cards are heavily stacked in your favour most of the time. ‘I remember being let off our chores during exam times – this was really good ‘cos it showed mum and dad were really focused on us and our needs.’ young adult ‘We were too over-confident about bringing up our fourth child. Our biggest mistake was to relax, having coasted rather easily with the first three. She needed firmer boundaries than the others. After one scary near-miss incident we talked and talked and established new ground-rules. Things improved gradually over the next six months without any pressure from us.’ parent (now leader of a parent support group) Rule 6: Aim to Strike a Deal in 90% of Your Conflicts ‘Conflict, although painful, can be the cutting edge of learning and growth – sometimes out of the breakdown of communication comes breakthrough.’ Sheila Munroe, Communicating with Your Teenager However careful you are to make sure the rulebook is jointly agreed, there will always be some (or a great deal!) of conflict to resolve. In fact, I believe that it is impossible for any group of truly confident people to live under one roof without conflict. How can it be otherwise, when each person is so much an individual and everyone is fervently convinced that they have a right to stand up for their own particular beliefs and needs? So, first and foremost it is important to accept that you are going to live in an argumentative atmosphere for some years to come. Secondly, it is equally important to try to view this inevitability in a positive light. A good argument, after all, can be great fun and very stimulating. (Ask any member of the British parliament!) Most successful confident people whom I have met seize opportunities for a good debate. They know the value of well-managed conflict. They are not frightened by it because they have experienced how it can stretch their potential and encourage creative solutions to problems that could never have emerged without it. Even when the debate results in a ‘beg to differ’ resolution, if it has been well-managed, it often increases mutual respect and bonds participants more closely together. An interesting example of this is when a political minister retires and often he or she is praised by their political opponents. It is obvious that their opponents not only enjoyed the sparring over the parliamentary benches, they also admired them for standing up for what they believed in and were even able to maintain a personal friendship with them as well. Of course there will be moments during or after conflict when you will feel quite low and despairing, but once you have given yourself a recuperative rest, aim to return to a positive attitude. Even if your child is not destined to enter into such an obviously conflict-laden lifestyle as politics, I am sure that you would want them to become the kind of adult who can confidently handle other kinds of life-battles and emerge with his or her respect intact. One way of ensuring that they will be able to do this is to give them plenty of negotiating experience. I hope these tips may also help you to improve your role-modelling of this tricky art! Top tips • Before you negotiate: – Think about your absolute ‘bottom line’ position – you may need to think about standing by your core values and principles. You also need to be clear about what you, or they, can reasonably afford to lose. – Remind yourself (and later make it clear to your teen) that negotiating is about achieving a Win/Win outcome – neither party should feel like a loser at the end. – Accept that this is not a negotiation between two equals. You have more power. You will need to make allowances (without patronizing them) for this reality and the fact that your teen is unlikely to be as articulate as you are. – Remember that negotiations work best when both parties start in a calm mood – so do your deep breathing and choose the calmest moment and spot you can find. – It helps to know each other’s needs before you start negotiating. Your child, however, may not be able to express these, so give some thought to their needs yourself. • When going for the deal: – Adopt a non-threatening but ‘business-like’ body stance: if you look too laid back, your ‘talk’ will not be taken so seriously. So look at ease but sit fairly upright and use direct (but not staring) eye contact if you can get it. – Start by expressing the hope (or expectation) that you are going to reach an agreement. You can say, for example, ‘I’m sure that once we have talked this through calmly we will come up with some kind of solution together.’ If this is the tenth time you have tried to negotiate this particular issue, you may need to try another tack! Include the negative consequences that could result from not reaching a deal. For example, ‘I do hope we find some way of resolving this today because, if we don’t, the atmosphere between us is going to drag on and on. I certainly don’t want to go through Christmas like this, and I’m sure you don’t’ or ‘If we don’t work out something today, dad and I are just going to have to make a decision without you. It is too important to be left to drag on and on.’ – State your needs in a very direct way. For example, ‘I want to know that you are going to be safe and not too tired to concentrate on your work the next day.’ Don’t be hurt if they haven’t thought of these: teens are essentially egocentric. When others’ needs are pointed out to them, they can be surprisingly accepting. – Hazard a guess about their needs. Your aim is to start them thinking about this, so don’t worry about guessing exactly right – trust that they’ll tell you if you get it wrong! For example, ‘I guess you don’t want to feel you have missed out on something all your friends seem to be doing, is that right?’ – Listen attentively (and use the skills outlined in Rule 3 to show them that you are). Don’t forget to check out that you are reading between the lines correctly. – State what you ideally want. Remember that you are going to have to give a little in order to reach a deal. So this should not be your ‘bottom line’ position. – Listen again. – Acknowledge their position and feelings: this is about showing empathy with them. You can say, for example, ‘I can see that it’s an awkward situation and you’re hurt because you think I can’t trust you.’ – Try to find some common ground. For example, ‘We both think you deserve some fun and should go to the party.’ – Suggest a compromise – ask first for their idea. If they are not forthcoming (and often they are not) propose one yourself. For example, ‘How about this time we make it 11.30 instead of midnight? – and I’ll offer to take some of your friends home as well which will save you the taxi fares Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». 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