It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life

It’s Just a Date: A Guide to a Sane Dating Life Greg Behrendt Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt A fabulous new guide to dating co-authored by Greg Behrendt, former writer on Sex and the City, who won women's hearts with his three million copy bestseller He's Just Not That Into You.What ever happened to dating?Used to be that a guy would ask a girl out. He'd pick her up at her house and take her out for dinner, a movie, or a cup of coffee and some conversation. Then both parties would decide if they wanted to do it again next week. There was protocol. A standard set of guidelines to follow for this age-old ritual.These days who even knows what dating is?It's Just a Date gives you tools, not rules that you can use, while also opening you up to new ideas about how to date and who might be right for you. The book shows us how things have changed on the dating scene and what we need to do to adapt, including –• How the digital age has changed dating, from texting (the new not calling) to online dating.• The compromise: hooking up, booty calls and quasi dates – was it or wasn't it a date?• Exit strategies – how to pull the plug when the dating isn't working out.Dating doesn't have to be hard – in fact, if not taken so seriously, it can be seriously fun. Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt It’s Just a Date! How to… get ’em, read ’em and rock ’em Contents Introduction (#u0da18ba3-aa42-5683-85db-d77f3566f1e5) Part One (#u24edb0cc-0a2b-5908-8242-49c72fd97b99) Prepare Yourself For Dating Excellence (#u24edb0cc-0a2b-5908-8242-49c72fd97b99) Warning (#u8a91caaa-3b36-5ec0-a753-db6229345f29) 1 The Principal Principles of Dating for Winners (#u9420c85a-3982-5359-a846-de7bfa7c251d) 2 Principle #1: Like Yourself and Know You’re Worthy (#u87b73a9f-fd0f-54b0-979d-a4e8a6dd96c8) 3 Principle #2: Get a Life, Have a Life … (#ud7b52c80-0063-5899-af1b-8d8d77338918) 4 Principle #3: Pretty is as Pretty Does (#u90428f4c-8da6-55d4-83d6-eee7d1841520) 5 Principle #4: Don’t Accept Less than an Actual Date (#litres_trial_promo) 6 Principle #5: Don’t Freak People Out with Your Need (#litres_trial_promo) 7 Principle #6: Doormats Finish Last and End Up in the Dirt (#litres_trial_promo) 8 Principle #7: Don’t Show the Movie Before the Trailer (#litres_trial_promo) 9 Principle #8: Not Every Date is Going to Turn Into a Relationship (#litres_trial_promo) Part Two (#litres_trial_promo) Carpe Datem—Seize The Date! (#litres_trial_promo) Warning (#litres_trial_promo) 10 The Essence of Keeping it Cool (#litres_trial_promo) 11 Essence #1: There is No One Place to Meet Guys (#litres_trial_promo) 12 Essence #2: The Power of Suggestion (#litres_trial_promo) 13 Bonus Section: Internet Date-tacular! (#litres_trial_promo) 14 Essence #3: It’s Just a F*#king First Date! (#litres_trial_promo) 15 Essence #4: First Date Follow Up (#litres_trial_promo) 16 Essence #5: 2nd Date and Beyond (#litres_trial_promo) 17 Essence #6: Sexclusivity (#litres_trial_promo) Closing Words (#litres_trial_promo) Also Available (#litres_trial_promo) Copyright (#litres_trial_promo) About The Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) introduction (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) A Call To The Winner Dater Within So your dating life is in the crapper and you’ve just about given up on the idea altogether at this point. And seriously, what’s with guys, right? Why don’t they ask women out? Why does it have to be so damn hard to date? Or what ever happened to dating, for that matter? Used to be that a guy would ask a girl out. Then he’d pick her up at her house, take her out for dinner, a movie, or a cup of coffee and some conversation. Then both parties would decide if they wanted to do it again next week. There was protocol. A courtship. A standard set of guidelines to follow for this age-old ritual outlined by our “Foredaters”. Now who even knows what dating is? WHAT IS A DATE? If you hook up at a bar and go home together are you dating? If he text-messages you, “what are you wearing?” are you dating? If he tells you where he’s going with his friends after work and tells you to bring your friends, are you dating? It’s not cut and dried anymore—in fact it’s become completely absurd. Sadly, dating has become somewhat obsolete, having been edged out of the line up by hooking up, hanging out and casual sex. Why is that? Because both men and women have said by their actions and willingness that they don’t need the formality of a date to give their time, the privilege of their company and sometimes even their body. We’ve become a world of non-daters and, judging from the masses of unsatisfied singles that we hear from and about, we’d surmise that the whole non-dating thing’s not going that great. It’s too confusing, too casual, too grey and not enough black and white. Courtship has gone so far astray that it’s come down to proximity and laziness. Like if you stand next to someone long enough at a party then eventually you’ll pair up and be in a relationship with them without any actual effort, action or decision having been put into it. BACK TO BASICS It’s time for a change and, aside from non-dating, the only other option to dating would be arranged marriages or marriage by lottery system. So it seems like now’s the time to figure out how to date again, because you may not like ending up with #4 8 15 16 23 42. You obviously like yourself enough to pick up this book and consider the idea of improving your dating or non-dating life, and for that we love you. Hooray, we just hugged! Now, having said that, we will not coddle you. This is not a touchy-feely “you’re great so everyone should think you’re great” book. This is a “how bad do you want it and to what lengths will you go to achieve what you truly deserve and then be willing to throw it all away because after all It’s Just a F*#king Date?!” kind of book. We have made our living being straight with you about our experiences and we’ve done it wrong ourselves enough times. But ONLY after you’ve done it wrong so many times will you have that moment of awakening, of clarity, where you admit, “I do it wrong. I need to do it differently.” By reading this book you are entering a no-bullshit area. Unlike some of your friends we will not sign off on your questionable behavior and will continually demand better of you. We will not be buying the rationalizing that you do to make it okay nor the excuses you make for yourself or someone else that’s giving you less than you deserve. Now is the time to redefine what kind of dater you are and how you date. So buckle up ladies because you’ve come to the right place. You know what we’ve got? We’ve got answers and we’ve got plans for you. REALITY CHECK! The reality of dating is that almost every date you go on is not going to work out or turn into a lasting and meaningful relationship. In fact every date and relationship won’t work out until you find the one that does. That’s how it works. That’s how life works and dating works. There are no shortcuts or loopholes and absolutely everyone is in the same boat as you. The only difference is how you approach these dates, the attitude you have when you get there. You can continue to dread them, be annoyed by the whole process, have expectations that are sure to disappoint you and project the futility you feel about the whole thing. OR you can let go of all of it, tell yourself that It’s Just A Date! not the rest of your life, that it probably won’t work out in the long run but might be fun nonetheless. With those expectations you’ll have a much better time than you thought you would. Because that actually is the point of dating: an opportunity to spend time one on one to see if there’s a spark. That’s it. Dating was never meant to be a tortuous obstacle course that you had to suffer through, nor the culmination of all our dreams that aren’t being fulfilled crashing down again when it doesn’t work out. And if that’s what dating is for you—then you’ve got to ask yourself why are you doing that to yourself? Then you have to tell yourself to knock it the f*#k off. You control how you date, not anyone else—including the person you’re on the date with. So let go of the old dating patterns that aren’t working for you and embrace the ideals of dating like a winner and being the best you that you can be. MY NAME IS AMIIRA AND I’M A BAD DATER It seems like I should have figured that I was doing it wrong after the fiasco of my first marriage. Want to talk about going fast? I met him and it was love at first sight … except for the fact that he had a girlfriend. It was a matter of months before they broke up and we got together, so to make up for lost time we spontaneously got married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. That’s good, right? I had never been to his home, we hadn’t met each other’s families and probably didn’t know each other’s middle names. We did have similar record collections, so that, along with our young love, should have been enough. Well, not surprisingly it turns out that we didn’t really know each other that well among other biggies that eluded us like similar values and the desire for children. So that didn’t work out but I learned my lesson about jumping in too fast. Right? Or did I, as my next relationship went straight from “Nice to meet you” to “We should go to Barbados on vacation.” At least I had seen his house before packing my bikinis and we did have similar record collections. But ultimately we got too intense too quickly and it we burned out on each other. Strike two! It’d be nice if there wasn’t a strike three but there he was and who could resist the best friend that proclaims his love after too many Heinekens? Not I. So into instant boyfriend I fell. You know what happens when you go from being best friends to instant boyfriend/girlfriend? You realize that you probably weren’t meant to be boyfriend/girlfriend but are trapped in a relationship with a person you love but “not in that way.” That didn’t end well. So at this point I was recognizing that speed was my foe and the way I dated wasn’t working for me. The relationships I got myself into were plagued by the lack of certainty from rushing myself or someone else into feelings that weren’t fully there. Then I met Greg Behrendt, who must have been doing the same thing in his life because he was Mister Take It Slow. Nice. We went out on our first date, which was very good, in fact we decided that we would go out again while still on the date. But then I broke up with him. Huh? It’s a long story involving an ex-boyfriend that wouldn’t go away. However he said the most amazing thing upon hearing my true but cockamamie sounding story about the ex-boyfriend on my lawn, “It’s also okay if you don’t like me like that.” What?! Who the hell was this completely self-possessed guy? I told him truly that I didn’t know yet whether I liked him but would be interested in finding out. So we dated, the old-fashioned way. He called ahead, asked me out, plans were made and we went on dates. We also dated other people while dating each other. There was no hopping in the sack, no racing to lock it down, no panic about what the other was thinking, feeling, doing. Then one day he said something mind-blowing, “I’m not going to date other people. I only want to go out with you but I don’t expect you to do the same until you’re ready to.” What?! Who the hell is this guy who is going to stop dating other people but not demand I do the same? So we continued dating and soon after I came to the same conclusion that he had … I didn’t want to date other people. So there we were as boyfriend and girlfriend because we both truly wanted to be that and had figured it out at our own pace. Revolutionary! Then shortly thereafter he says those three magic words followed by the even more magical words that I had never heard before, “I Love You. But you don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to be at the same place emotionally that I am but I know that I love you and I wanted you to know it.” Holy crap!! Are you kidding me? Where did this alien creature come from that is so comfortable in his own feelings that he can allow me to have my own feelings? That’s how foreign the idea of taking things slow and actually figuring your feelings organically was to me. Normally at this point in a relationship I would have felt obligated to blurt it right back and hope that I grew into the feelings later, but because he was so self-possessed it made it effortless for me to be too. That being said, when I actually experienced having a relationship in real time, on my time, it became the one that has lasted the longest and burns the brightest because it’s real and taking place in actual time. We’re on this journey together side by side instead of one dragging the other behind. Our story is the reason that we decided to write this book because we know what is possible if you learn to do it right. THE GOOD THE BAD & THE SKILLET OR WHY I TRIED DATING by Greg The decision to start dating was a simple one. It started with a skillet. Not even a nice one, but one of those gun metal grey now singed black, workhorse skillets that you burn fried eggs with. “Wait Greg, are you telling me the interested reader that a dirty skillet got you dating? I’m not convinced.” Yes I remember thinking as the greasy black pan was heading towards my skull, “This might not be the right relationship. I’m not choosing the right lady for me.” Here’s what happened. I was newly “drinks free” (I like that better than sober because it almost sounds like free drinks and that makes people happy) and had been set up with a girl who was also “drinks free”. She was foxy and funny with a little edge. Anyway we went on two dates, one a formal dinner and the other we hung out at a thing then had awkward sex too soon and became girlfriend-boyfriend. We didn’t really know each other but because we had had sex we felt beholden to one another and after all, this is how most of my relationships started in the past. Why should this be any different? Ever since college the recipe had been the same. Meet someone, take them out twice, have sex on the third date, become a couple, then fight until done. Ding! It wasn’t either person’s fault it was how the game had been set up. I had a pattern, it didn’t work and I was sticking to it … until the skillet. I remember calling my mom that day and saying “… you know what? Maybe I don’t end up with anybody. Maybe I’m just destined to be a bachelor. And if that is the case then I’m gonna bachelor the shit out of it.” I went at it like a sporting event. I got my own apartment. Taught myself how to cook and to clean. Picked out my own furniture. I went to movies by myself, ate at restaurants by myself and bought my own clothes. I began to teach myself to live as though I might never meet someone but if I did they’d be blown away by how self-sufficient I was and by my matching bamboo end tables. Like Field ofDreams. If you build it they will come. And then the weirdest thing happened: I started meeting girls. Everywhere. Department stores, flower shops, caf?s, softball games and hair salons. See a pattern, fellas? Go to where the girls are. But don’t go just to go. The fact that I was now not actively looking for a relationship made me appear to just appear. And for the first time in my life I had the opportunity to date more than one person. And I took it. I’d never done that, so why now? Well, I was at my parents over a Thanksgiving break and I was in my mom’s office looking for something when I came across an old date book of hers from when she was dating my dad. I flipped through it and I noticed something almost revolutionary. She had begun dating my dad in May. I know this because his name appears periodically through out the month. Thursday Richard. Saturday Richard. But there are also two other names that appear throughout the month. Steve and Aaron, but as we get to June Aaron drops off like a stone and Steve’s name appears less and less until it fully goes away in July. My dad kicked some dating ass, but the real lesson was my mom wasn’t limiting her options until she was sure. I asked her if my dad knew about the other guys. “Not at first. But you didn’t ask in those days. It was just assumed that you were dating.” “Assumed you were dating? And he was cool with that?” “He didn’t love it but he respected it and in some ways I think it made getting me all the sweeter.” Dating!? What a great f*#king idea. Imagine, just going out with someone a few times to see how you really feel about them. So I decided to give it a try. And I found that I liked it and that I was pretty good at it. Were all the dates good? Hell no! There were some nightmares you will read about later on in the book. Did you get your heart broken? Not as badly as if I had tried to turn them into relationships. But it led to the best relationship I ever had with another person on this planet. And that’s why I wanted to write this book. There is an option out there and it’s the only one we have besides arranged marriages. Wait—we don’t have arranged marriages. But I have supplied a petition at the back of the book if you want to lobby for arranged marriages. So why go on a date? Because they work, because dating is the best way to get to know someone you don’t know and someone you do, because it’s a great way to set the tone and speed for a relationship, because there are snacks, because you might make a friend or meet a future business partner, because you might have the worst night of your life and that could lead to you writing the next great novel, because you’ll never know if you don’t, because it’s just a f@#king date. WHERE WOMEN BLOW IT by Amiira Women always have and always will continue to date a man’s potential instead of his reality. We can’t help ourselves. It’s in a woman’s nature to be hopeful and to see the possibilities, the greatness that people possess. Hooray for us, aren’t we lovely? We are, but dating someone’s potential is probably the biggest mistake women make in relationships and certainly the one that leads to our romantic downfall. That’s because there are three types of men: the ones that find our faith in their potential to be appealing, the ones that find our faith in their potential to be a burden … and the ones that find it appealing at first then are crushed by the burden of their un-reached potential and resentful of the woman they once adored for that very faith. The problem is that we don’t know which of the three the man of our dreams is going to be until it’s often too late. Once you’ve unintentionally crushed a man’s ego (read: once he decides that he doesn’t want to reach the potential you have for him) it’s hard for him to be excited about you anymore. Then it’s just a matter of time before the sex starts diminishing, there’s bickering where there wasn’t any before and the distance between you begins an expansion that is unwieldy. More often than not, dating a man’s potential is the long road to disaster—so listen to who he says he is and take him at his word. If you can love who he is now and not have your attraction be based on who he might become then you’re in good shape. If you’re not, well then you best keep looking because most people have different aspirations than you might have for them. Love isn’t swimming upstream. Part One (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) prepare yourself for dating excellence (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) WARNING! (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) You are now entering a new way of dating and living. Oldhabits are not welcome and failure is not an option. Thosenot willing to make some serious changes should turnback now and get a few cats to keep you company. 1 (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) the principal principles of dating for winners (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) The 8 Super Extraordinary Principles For Ultra-Successful Winner Dating™ You probably were skulking around the bookstore mumbling to yourself, “My dating life’s a mess—I sure wish I had some guidelines for dating more successfully.” Well today’s your lucky day, so buck up Sugarpot because that’s exactly what we have for you! Super Extraordinary Strategies for Ultra-Successful Winner Dating™. We know that dating has become a confusing mess for most single folks out in the world, and quite honestly it shouldn’t be that way. Dating was one of the most well structured, well thought out things that our generation inherited. How we managed to f*#k that one up is a mystery. Or is it? In fact it’s not a mystery at all. In our natural evolution as humans and as we’ve become a more liberal society we’ve rid ourselves of ideas or thought processes that don’t work. Certainly there are formalities and expected behaviors that do need updating and revising to keep up with the contemporary times, but dating, as it turns out, may not have been one that needed much. The radical revision of dating that followed the sexual revolution and its continual morphing that has come with the advances in communication technology (like emails, texting, etc. …) has turned dating into a blur of booty calls and ambiguous hanging out. And the result is a lot of unhappy and unclear people that are in complete disharmony with their romantic universe. What women are craving is the formality of dating because of the clarity that it would provide for them. Think about the collective sigh of relief from just the knowledge alone that when you’re asked out that you’re actually on a date. Instead of spending the time trying to figure out if you’re on a date, just hanging out as friends or being sized up as a candidate for casual sex. Dating is something that YOU have control over so if you want it to change, if you want to take control of your dating life you have to take it upon yourself to be very serious about and completely committed to HOW you date. You have to have a set of standards that you live and date by without exception. Which means formulating a dating strategy and instituting dating policy for yourself, then sticking to it. It sounds ridiculous but it’s not. In fact, had you done it earlier you might be in a very different place with your love life and been able to save that $19.95 (or whatever this book costs) you spent on this fantastic piece of literature, put it into a high yielding mutual fund and turned it into at least $1,047 billion dollars by the time you retire. (These numbers are guess-timations made by two book writers that have no experience or financial expertise and cannot be held accountable for the way you spend your money.) We know the word strategy in relation to dating can sound like an underhanded manipulation of another person and that is NOT at all what we’re talking about. Strategy, in the dictionary, is defined as: 1. The science or art of planning or conducting a war or military campaign. (Nope!) 2. Carefully devised plan of action to achieve a goal or the art of developing or carrying out such a plan. (Wrong again!) 3.An evolutionary theory, a behaviorstructure, or other adaptation that improves viability. AHA! Bingo! Now we’re talking! There’s an element of strategy in everything that we do in life and there’s nothing wrong with that. There are choices, actions and consequences. That’s what everything in life is and dating is no exception. Like the time you agreed to let the drummer for “Mighty Lemon Phillipshead” come up for a nightcap—that’s a choice. Then woke up the next morning to find him in your room-mate’s bed—that’s a consequence. To be fair, it was dark in your apartment but still … No, no, no that’s just another excuse you make to cover for making bad choices. The truth is you actually liked him and hoped to go out on a second date and had you said goodnight at the front door youmight’ve had a chance. So let’s embrace the idea of creating a strategy for dating and your life so that the choices you make are better. As they say in that popular book that features that guy Jesus, “Faith without works is dead.” Meaning you can believe you want a better dating life butunless you’re willing to do the work, nothing will change. “Wow you got all serious on me. I didn’t think Jesus went on dates.” Well now you know why people got so mad about The DaVinci Code. But let’s get back to you … If your experiences are anything like the throngs of emails and letters we get complaining about the state of dating then you know that for most men you encounter, dating is something they only have to do if they can’t get away with hanging out under less formal circumstances (or they can’t get you to fool around with them at the bar). It’s probably the single most frustrating thing we hear about in all of our varied “What’s the deal with men?” conversations. The deal is that THEY FOLLOWYOUR LEAD. That means if you give them the easy way out, that’s what they’ll take. It’s important to recognize that while you can change the way a man dresses, you can’t change the way he approaches dating. You can only inspire him to want to change that for himself so that he gets to spend time with you. The thing you determine is the value of your time, thevalue of your company and how you date. Those are the only things you are in complete control of, but that’s enough to turn the tide. Think about it … it’s only when you set the value of your time low and you agree to non-dates that they can exist for you. However, if you maintain a high standard for how you date and you don’t accept the premise of quasi-dating, non-dating and hanging out then you leave him with only two choices: to ask you out on a proper date or to do without your company. And if he chooses the latter then you’re better off anyway because getting to spend time with you is a gigantic prize. People need to start dating again and not participate in the non-dating if they want to find a real relationship rather than someone to have confusing sex with. “But how do I date amongst all the confusing confusion of dating?” We’re glad you asked, because there is a definite right and wrong way to date and if you want to get good results you have to start dating smarter and better. There’s a reason why you’re not having success: it’s because what you’re doing isn’t working for you. It’s time to change your game. “But I don’t like playing games. Dating should not be about game playing.” Yeah, yeah … We’ve heard it. The reality is that there is a game to be played when dating and it’s called RESTRAINT. Quite frankly, when you reject that idea you yourself are playing your own game. It’s a game of refusing to look at human nature and the things you already know about friendships, work, eating and every other thing in life where you take the time to responsibly think to yourself, “I need to do this right. There’s an order in which everything happens. If I mess with the order the whole thing will fall apart.” Why would you single out dating as the place to say, “Ah, f*#k the order! I’m not going in order. I’m going to just tell them now that I love them, blow them in the bathroom (or whatever impulsive thing that you know you shouldn’t do), because that will either make him want t o be with me more or bail but at least I’ll know now!” It makes no sense. You don’t walk into a job interview and ask where your desk is. You don’t make a new friend then, after week one, tattoo their name on your neck. You don’t eat shitty all week and wonder why your pants don’t fit. Do you see where we’re going with this? There’s an order to things and dating is no exception. So what we’ve devised is a set of guidelines, or rather Super Extraordinary Guidelines For Ultra-Successful Winner Dating™. These are the key to turning your dating life around and setting the new standard for HOW you date. Like we stated earlier, you get to determine the value of your time, the value of your company and, most importantly, how you date and how you absolutely do not date. Grab a fork and dig in, sister, because you’ve got some dating to do! Here’s a preview of what dazzling principles you’re going to have drilled into that pretty little head of yours. The 8 Principles of dating success: Like yourself and know you’re worthy Start with giving your thighs a break. Why can’t you just like them for once after all these years they’ve supported you? Get a life, have a life … … and don’t throw it away when every Tom, Dick and Agnes comes along. Pretty is as pretty does Get real about what you’re putting out into the world. Don’t accept less than an actual date Seriously. Stop hooking up with bozos when you’re drunk. Don’t freak people out with your need Crazy + Sexy doesn’t always = Cool Doormats finish last and end up in the dirt Have some standards and ditch the deal breakers. Don’t show the movie before the trailer Make sex an event, not a given. Not every date is going to turn into a relationship And a worthwhile one is a journey, not a race. HERE’S THE DEAL … It’s Just A F*#king Date! It’s a philosophy and an attitude all rolled up into one great big package. It’s the difference between expecting something to happen and being surprised when it does. It’s letting go of the whole process but not letting go of you. There are things in life you can change. Your weight, your appearance, your mindset, etc. … but there is one thing you cannot change and that is other people. Try as we might we cannot get people to love us. Even when we are the coolest, best version of ourselves someone is going to say, “Not for me.” But if we feel good about ourselves we shrug it off and say, “It’s Just A F*#king Date” and know that there will be others. When you really want something and you’re doing everything you can to make it happen and it’s not coming to fruition, you have to let go of the result and do thework anyway. You can’t live inside of a result because it will always disappoint. But if you work towards the goal and let go of the result then you’ll not only get what you wanted but will probably get something that’s better and different than how you had imagined it. That’s how life works. Life comes in a different package than you expected it to. The same goes for dating. You need to show up and see what happens. Well now, that doesn’t sound so hard—but in fact it is. This book is going to demand two things from you that may seem to conflict. We are going to ask that you be vigilant in your attempts to better yourself AND not take dating so damn seriously. “So does that mean I have to get all dressed up and try even if I’m not supposed to care about what happens?” Exactly. And you’ll be a better person for it. So pull it together woman, and let’s get ready to date! 2 (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) principle #1: like yourself and know you’re worthy (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) Find Your Inner Cheerleader, Rock Star, Physicist And Some Self-Esteem Last year this woman in her mid-twenties came to us because she was having terrible luck dating. She hadn’t had a boyfriend or decent date since high school and couldn’t get arrested by a single dude much less get one to ask her out and pay for dinner. She was cute, had a good personality, definitely had some sex appeal but it was as if she had actually been deflated. Her whole energy was sad and dejected. She said, “If I had known that high school was going to be the best it was going to get for me, I would have enjoyed it more or nailed down a guy for the future.” She really thought it was over for her at the age of 26. We asked her what was different in high school? Why did she think she peaked romantically then? She thought about it and responded that she had been a cheerleader in high school. She was happy, popular with a lot of different social groups, was lusted after by teenage boys, celebrated by the football team, got special privileges during school to do cheerleader things like decorate the jocks’ lockers, prepare for pep rallies and whatnot, and she was in the spotlight performing at halftime, getting to wear her uniform to school on game days, etc. … It was an idyllic high school existence and now she no longer even felt like the same person and certainly wasn’t living the same kind of life. We thought about what she was telling us, what we know of cheerleaders and it instantly became clear to us. Cheerleaders are sexy and confident, they’re kind of hot shit around the halls of high school and they carry themselves like they’re hot shit. Now she was wearing a frumpy outfit that was the antithesis of confident cheerleader, which she told us was how she dressed every day. When we asked her, “Why are you hiding that cheerleader?” it all came pouring out then. Tears streamed down her face as she admitted that she had put on some weight since high school, she didn’t like her body, she had been dumped hard by not even a good guy but a totally shitty one in her freshman year in college and she didn’t even feel like herself anymore. The truth is she didn’t like herself or feel at all worthy of having good things in her life. She no longer felt those great things about herself that she did back in high school so she didn’t carry herself out in the world with the same self-confidence or self-worth. Basically her self-esteem was completely shot. This girl needed to find her inner cheerleader—she needed to find her confidence again. And as bad as we felt for her, it was a story we have heard countless times from women of every age and we had to bring down the hammer. This is the gist of what we told Boo Hoo the Cheerleader … Happiness is hard work. It always has been since the beginning of time. It takes diligence to continually set yourself up to win—not competitively but personally—and winning is the kindling for the brightly burning fire of self-esteem and happiness. When your self-esteem is heightened you carry yourself with more assurance, your energy is more vibrant, people respond to you more positively and you are more magnetic so you attract opportunity. Basically, you walk differently, talk differently, rock differently and in the words of the late, great Justin Timberlake you’re bringing sexy back. (To the best of our knowledge Justin Timberlake is very much alive but we just wanted to see if you were paying attention.) When your self-esteem is lessened you feel badly about yourself so you avoid things and people, your energy is heavy and sad, people are less likely to respond to you well and you repel opportunity (including prospective dates!). If you like yourself, if you love yourself, if you feel good about yourself, if you value yourself, you will feel worthy of good things and you will get good things (like a rockin’ boyfriend. Maybe even Mr. Timberlake himself). The whole concept of winning on a personal level is simple but not necessarily easy to do. The key is to constantly put yourself in a position to feel great about you and keep out of harm’s way. This translates into stopping your bad behavior, staying away from the people that provoke your bad behavior, or people that make you feel anything less than good about yourself. Otherwise your self-esteem pays the price. Personally winning is finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you’re being the best you, the biggest you, the most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don’t feel worthy you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that? Let’s break it down for a moment before we sum it up in a fancy gold-plated nutshell with rims for you. (For those of you who haven’t seen any hip-hop videos lately, “rims” are like jewelry for your car wheels—the fancy flashy bits in the middle of the tire that often spin counterclockwise or blind you with their shine and ornamentation.) You started out with so much promise with endless possibilities for what you can do with your life and who you can become. From the moment you come out of the womb, you have the potential to be anything from Mayor McCheese to running the Free World, who knows?! (By the way, the McCheese gig pays better and is much less stressful but damn is it hot in that hamburger suit.) From early on we are encouraged, applauded even for our first accomplishments, be it learning to walk, saying our first words, actually making it into our mouth with the spoonful of bananas instead of down our front. The ovation continues for you lucky ones who grow up surrounded by people that love and support you and whose greatest joy is to build you up after every foul ball, good try or embarrassing failure. The great promise thatwe’re talking about is simply the existence of self-esteem. When you’re older you can find it for yourself, but for many it is what you are given, brick by brick, every time you are told that you are good, the world is your oyster, you can do anything you put your mind to or you’re much prettier than your cousin Laura. (What a sea hag she is.) So you have this self-esteem, this self-worth all stored up but then at various points along your journey to here you’ve lost some of the value you once had for yourself because that’s part of the experience of this life. That’s the rub. We all have events that reduce our self-esteem and disappointments that make us question our worth be it socially, academically, professionally or romantically. It only takes getting your heart smashed when your boyfriend dumps your for a younger girl, a leggy blonde, a sports model, your best friend, that guy from the bowling alley (you didn’t see that one coming didya?) or just simply someone else to send you into a self-esteem spiral that can last for years. Then we end up in an ongoing cycle of losing romantically because every time a relationship or even a first date doesn’t pan out you blame yourself. The thought that runs through your head is, “There must be something wrong with me because I wasn’t good enough for them to love me.” When what your thought should be is, “I’m only responsible for my half of it not his. It wasn’t a match for me because it takes both halves for it work so I’m better off for it ending now.” Do you know why that should be your thought? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LOOK FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO GIVE YOU YOUR VALUE! You have to do that for yourself, you CAN do it for yourself and you certainly f*#king should. Self esteem, self-worth and confidence are something you have to constantly rebuild until you get to the place where those things can no longer be shaken from you. But these things are only are gained by a series of tiny victories that, once accumulated, start making you feel better about yourself. You can’t wait for the world to drop these opportunities in your lap, you have to go and create those victories for yourself. “How do I do that?” Easy, create small accomplishable victories that you can do on a daily basis and that you will under no circumstance deviate from. Personal hygiene is a great place to start. Every morning wash your face, Victory! Brush your teeth, Victory! Floss, Victory! See you’ve only been awake for 10 minutes and are already winning. Boom, more victories for you my friend! What we are talking about here are good choices, many of them in a row, which make you feel good about your self, thus blowing up your sagging self-esteem. Exercise, travel, find something that makes you feel great and do it—volunteer at a charity or take on a challenge that you can do. But consistency is key. Tiny victories are what will nourish you back to the promise you once had. You have to do this or some version of this every day as a way of honoring who you are and how you operate. Your unwillingness to compromise will be your greatest asset because that is what tells you and the world that you care about yourself (which we all know is a huge turn-on). Tiny victories are actually the cornerstone of almost any successful person you know, because when all else fails at least you flossed. The key to Ultra Successful Winner Dating is that you can’t date what you are not. You will not attract great things by wishing for them, seeing a psychic or buying magic rocks. You only get Great by being Great, and Greatness takes work! BUT GREG, I HAVE QUESTIONS But What If I’m Not Worthy? Dear Greg, I was supposed to get married two Christmasesago to my boyfriend of three years but about sixmonths before the wedding he changed his mind. Hesaid he didn’t think he was in love with me. He’s notwith anyone else but I can’t get past the idea thatthere’s something wrong with me. Why else would hebreak our engagement to be alone? Kate Bath, England Dear Wedding Crashed, It sucks to get dumped when you thought youhad your whole life worked out but what he actuallydid was the excellent service of not marrying youwhen he recognized that he wasn’t in love with you.Despite what may have been in the past, thingschange and it sucks. However it also means that youwere released to move on to your next great thingbut you are holding up the bus by blaming yourself,sinking your self-esteem and being an all-roundbummer. The only thing wrong with you is that youcan’t see your value and that’s going to take somework, possibly even counseling, but it’s time torevisit the girl you were when you were at yourbest. Possibly right before you met the weddingsmasher. Hang in there Hot Stuff, your story ain’tover yet. But What If I Can’t Rebuild My Self-Esteem? Dear Greg, My last boyfriend cheated on me with some girlfrom his office. The boyfriend before that cheated onme with a mutual friend and the boyfriend I hadbefore that was just an asshole. I don’t know why, butI stayed with all of these men for long after I hadidentified their problems. I don’t know how to rebuildmy self-esteem after so many blows to the ego. Claire Minneapolis, MN Dear Loser Magnet, Holy smokes! You do have the winning ticket tothe loser lotto. Do you know the phrase “Waterseeks it’s own level”? The same goes for losers. Thatdoesn’t mean that I’m calling you a loser but what Iam saying is that you are comfortable with them andyou allow them to be the losers they are in yourcompany. What that does mean is that there’ssomething in your mechanics that tells you that youdon’t deserve better than this and whatever that isneeds a fixing. To rebuild your self-esteem you needto surround yourself with people that make you feelgood and bring out the best in you, take care of yourwell-being without exception and line up some tinyvictories. It’s only when you get to the place whereyou think you’re worthy of a good relationship thatyou’ll find one. So kick the losers to the curb and getsome help for whatever’s ailing your self-worth. But What If I Do Like Myself? Dear Greg, I’m 42 years old, I own my own company, I have alot of great friends, a great relationship with my familyand I’ve lost over a hundred pounds in the past yearso I’m in fantastic shape for the first time in my life. Inother words I’m not f@#ked up. But I’m starting to feellike I’m going to spend my life alone. I go to clubs,bars, cocktail parties, dog parks, you name it but noone seems to notice me and I can’t get asked out.What do I do? I’m really lost in this part of my life. Anika Ft Lauderdale, FL Dear Weighed Down, Firstly, congratulations on doing so many thingsright in your life and taking control of your healthand weight. Bravo to you. Here’s what I think ishappening, you’re used to being overweight andprobably have been overweight your whole life. Soeven though you like yourself and have shed theextra pounds you still feel like the fat girl andprobably carry yourself as such. That means you’reprojecting old ideas about yourself onto the newyou and taking those out into the world and peoplerespond thusly. People aren’t noticing you becauseyou don’t feel noteworthy still. So let’s stop thatbusiness right now because you didn’t do all of thatwork to lose. If it means standing in front of themirror every day or leaving yourself a voicemessage that says, “I am now a new person, haveyou seen my butt?” then do it, because like everyperson reading this you’re great and you deserve tobe in a great relationship, but it will only happennot only if you like yourself and feel worthy of it butalso project that out into the world as well. But What If There’s Nothing To Like? Dear Greg, What’s wrong with me, why can’t I catch a break? Ialways get “downsized” at jobs, dumped after the firstdate or completely overlooked because my bestfriend is prettier than me. I’m the person that has tobe thankful for bad luck otherwise I’d have no luck atall. Now there’s this guy who I really like and he onlyknows me as the girl who dropped her new phone inthe toilet at work. Why would he even like me muchless want to go out with me? For once I just wishsomething good would happen to the girl standingnext to the pretty girl. Florence Quebec, Canada Hey Flo, Hard on yourself much? Look, being clumsy isfine, in fact it can be cute, but being clumsy orhaving bad luck is not your problem. You’retreading water in a personal crisis because don’teven kind of like yourself or think you deserve goodthings. If you’re running for the title in the MissVictim Of Her Own Life you definitely have a goodshot but I’d suggest you step down from thatpageant and try to get involved in the Miss I LikeMyself competition. And by the way, who cares ifyour best friend is prettier than you and why is itthat you like her better than you like yourself? Ifyou want anyone including the guy at work to likeyou, you have to start liking yourself first. As for thecatching a break part, you have to make your ownbreaks and optimize those before the universe willstart dropping them at your feet. So next time youdrop your mobile phone down the toilet just turn tothe guy you like at work and playfully say, “Whichdo you think is hotter, that I dropped my phone inthe toilet or that I went in after it?” Or “I’d offeryou my phone so you can call my voicemail to askme out but it’s on vacation in the ladies’ room.” Beconfident, have a sense of humor about life’s littletrials and see if you can’t give yourself a break! FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE But What If It’s Not Me It’s Them? Dear Greg, Women never like me so dating sucks. I’m theassistant manager of a small women’s boutique so I’maround women all the time and I overhear theirconversations about men. You should hear the load ofcrap they say. They talk about not caring if guys havemoney and just wanting to be taken out on a realdate. And then in the next sentence they talk abouttheir expensive dates with the guys with money goingto a fancy restaurant in town. They’re all phonies.Where’s the girl who is going to be super excited togo out for McRibbs with me in my Honda when shecould be out with some guy with money and a coolcar? Seriously f*#k it. Brad Fargo, ND Dear Bad Braditude, I hear you and I get what you are saying and Ithink you are right. You don’t have enough money,so give up and stop dating altogether, then you’llhave more time to pick out the small apartmentwhere you are destined to die alone. (Make sure ithas no windows or a view of the alley where thedumpsters are.) Or you can A) not worry about girlswho are only interested in guys with money, B)figure out ways to be creative with the money youhave and C) figure what kind of life you want tohave. But before you do all that I’d say you shouldtake a good long look at how you feel aboutwomen because from your letter it seems like youhate all of them as well as yourself. With all duerespect I don’t know anyone that would sign upwith someone with that attitude and lack of self-esteem. You’re surrounded by women all day—that’s a giant opportunity that not all guys have andif you took advantage of it and learned how to becharming and funny instead of pissed off at all thewomen you’re surrounded by you’d probably be inhigh demand for dates instead of being rejected bythem. And by the way there are far more attractivethings than money, like for instance confidence. Youshould try to get some of that. It’ll get you furtherin life than a wad of cash. THE CHICK THAT ROCKED IT I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never been the kind of guy that doesn’t take advantage of a good opportunity with girls. I don’t know if it’s a “Daddy” thing or what but some girls let you walk all over them or treat them like shit. When we were still in college the guys would all sit around and compare notes about it. So after college I expected that it would probably be different once I was in the business world working with professionals instead of sorority girls. But even the most successful women are so starved for male attention that they’ll let you go all the way without even promising them a phone call. It’s wild. So I was riding the wave of no strings attached for many years until I met Susan. Susan wasn’t having any of my bullshit and wasn’t even kind of amused by it. For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what it was that made her different but I was so fascinated by her. She was smart, sexy and confident, which is great, but I had been with women like that before. She was pretty-ish but had a good size nose that she should have been self-conscious about but wasn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and she couldn’t care less about me. I tell you I have never worked so hard for a first, second or third date as I did to get Susan to go out with me. The more time I spent with her the more I was intrigued by her, but it wasn’t until years later when we were living together that I finally figured out why she was different from every girl I had ever dated before. She liked herself and didn’t need my approval in the slightest bit. So I married her before she could realize that I lacked those qualities myself and I hope that I somehow get to learn them from her before she figures me out. Why women settle for scraps I’ll never understand, but as long as they do guys are happy to reap the benefits from it. Tim Denver, CO IT WORKED FOR ME! I met you guys at a singles mixer for “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” in Seattle. During a Q&A session I told you about my last relationship with a verbally abusive man and the subsequent breakup of it and you were both very supportive of my decision to leave (a decision I was regretting at the time). When you spoke to me one of you said that I didn’t think I deserved anything better than being in an abusive relationship and I told you that you were wrong. You continued to challenge me on that idea and it really hurt my feelings because I like to think of myself as a pretty together person who likes herself. But when I got home that night I looked at the pictures in frames around my house, seeing images of myself as a little girl with my parents and at various stages of my life and I burst into tears. I cried for a long time and it was a therapeutic crying jag but during it, or maybe what caused it, was the realization that you were right. If I really felt like I deserved better I wouldn’t have stood for the abuse as long as I did and it wouldn’t have been hard to leave. So it’s a few years later now and I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself and seeing a therapist to try to figure out why I constantly compromise myself for others that wouldn’t do the same for me. I feel like a different person, a clearer person and a more confident and valuable person. Today I’m happy to write to you to tell you that I’ve met a wonderful man who loves and reveres me as much as I do myself and we’re getting married this fall. (Please see the enclosed invitation.) I hope you can attend because you really did change my life, but no need to bring a gift as you’ve already given me one. Mavis Kirkland, WA FIRST PERSON SINGLE by Amiira I settled for pieces of the pie for a long time in my romantic history. If there was a guy with only few of the qualities I was looking for but loads of the ones I wasn’t, then I was on board! Or better yet, if there was a guy who wasn’t ready to commit but could muster up just enough effort to string me along, then sign me up! That’s my man! But don’t tell him he’s my man because it might scare him off. Anything that felt bad and made me insecure was worth the effort because if I could just get the person who doesn’t love me to love me then I would know for sure that I am good enough. Good enough for what? Seriously. What is it that I’m looking for and why do I think that this asshole that makes me feel less than or inadequate is not only better than me but has the answers? Why does someone else hold the key to my self-esteem? That’s the revelation I finally had after yet another disappointing quasi-relationship with someone who had such bad qualities that it was almost comical. It takes one of those to give you the proverbial smack up side the head so that you can give your brain a good shake and get all the self-loathing out. You have to continually hit the reset button on your life to make you consciously start making better choices because no one else can do it for you. Look, it’s hard to be in a relationship where there’s an imbalance of feelings. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of that imbalance and neither of them is really that comfortable. At least when you’re the one least invested you don’t feel the panic and inadequacy of when you’re on the losing end of the “Please Love Me Enough” equation. But being uncomfortable in your relationship is symptomatic of not only that you’re in the wrong relationship but that you aren’t in a good space with yourself. Continuing to be in bad relationships where you feel not good enough, unloved, and insecure or anything other than consistently great is like having a gambling addiction. Every day thinking the next will be the turning point where things will stabilize and be great is the same thing as thinking that the next hand of cards is going to make you the big winner when in fact you’re just slowly giving yourself away. It’s denial in a truly profound sense because you participate in it daily and you know it even if it’s only on a gut level that shows itself in the discomfort you feel being riddled with self-doubt. It’s hard to say why it took me so long to like myself enough to gracefully refrain from engaging in self-doubting relationships, but once I had figured it out it was an undeniable truth that I could not turn back from. No one knows better than I do about me and because of that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I am free. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am lovable. And people around me know that Iknow that about myself. It only took me ten years to get there but because I got there I found the best relationship for me and now I get the rest of my life to feel good. THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY What attracts a man to a woman? Cleavage! The End. Okay that’s not really what I want to say. It’s really an almost impossible question to answer. Probably because the answer lies in what each individual man is looking for. There are things we know for sure, sex appeal is very high if not at the top of the list. Men are visual creatures (see the Internet for details). Confidence is also high on our list because it can almost completely make up for any shortcomings a person has in the looks department. Then there are things like personal style, work ethic (yes, contrary to popular belief some men like a woman they have to compete with), religious beliefs and favorite bands. But my note to you ladies is, WHO GIVES A SHIT? Finding out what we like won’t help you unless you like it too. If you want to be in a great relationship then I suggest having a great relationship with yourself. We are only going to like you if you like you, and if you don’t we can tell. And some of us will prey on those weaknesses for our own pleasure. Do I have to explain or do you get it? When you compromise your values or your needs for our pleasure or attention we will always sense it and eventually leave. It works both ways. Anytime I ever gave up who I was to procure sex or attention it always ended badly (see It’sCalled A Breakup Because It’s Broken for further details). The only reason a person compromises themselves is because they don’t feel strongly enough about themselves and are looking for another person to fix it for them either sexually or emotionally. That’s why it is imperative that you get to a place where you like yourself even if just for the added bonus of weeding out the creeps. DATING FORTUNE COOKIE Sexy beats cute, smart takes sexy, funny wins the pot … and confidence body-slams them all. WORST DATE EVER I never understood what I was doing wrong on dates until I went on a date with myself. Let me explain. About a year ago I met this guy on a chair-lift skiing in Lake Tahoe. It was a long ride and on it I learned that he lived in San Francisco like I did. He asked me out or rather hinted that he would like to ask me out but he said he was too shy. I thought it was a kind of a cute way of asking/not asking me out. I know how you guys feel about that stuff but he was really cute so I helped him ask me out and we went on a date. It was the worst date I’d ever been on. We had dinner at this really nice restaurant in the Embarcadero in San Francisco. It was all going okay but he was very down and hesitant about things and everything he said about himself was negative like, “I don’t know, I’m not really that smart” “I used to be fit but now I’m in terrible shape” “My life’s not really that interesting” or “You’re probably used to dating better looking guys.” Here he was this handsome skier with a great job in real estate and all he could do was tell me what a loser he was while putting away drink after drink and getting more and more depressed. It bugged me a lot but then I finally realized that it bothered me because I had been guilty of doing the same thing for as long as I could remember. Constantly selling myself short, putting myself down for God knows what reason and falling apart on dates. You know what I found out? It’s a big turn-off. No one wants to date a conceited ass but who wants to date the person that thinks so little of himself? It was the very first time in my life that I realized that I’m a beautiful skier with a great joband despite what I’ve spent years telling date after date afterdate, I’m kind of a catch. I didn’t see him again but I did see me and what a terrible date I had been for the first time, so the date wasn’t a total loss. IT’s JUST YOUR F*#KING HAPPINESS Your happiness is the most important thing in this life. Ifyou are not happy you are of no use to anyone else. Look,no one is happy all the time but if you are at least in thepursuit of happiness then that is what ultimately willmake you appealing to the kind of man that not onlywants to stick around but is also fun to be with. The pointis you have to figure out how to be happy no matter whatthe cost and we can tell you right here and now that happinesswon’t come from another person. It will come fromthe tiny victories and the big goals. And ultimately if youfind happiness you may find that you don’t need a man inyour life, or if you do find one he is simply an addition toa life well lived. The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook It’s time to get serious about reclaiming your self-esteem. Whatever your personal zenith was, whatever the time in your life where you were totally ruling, winning and firing on all cylinders—that’s where the answersare to reclaiming your self-worth. That’s where your self-esteem was the highest, when you were projecting that into the universe and having the most personal success. You have to go back to the point in your life where you felt the very best about yourself and figure out how you got there, what was going on for you then that isn’t now and how to get yourself back into that space. To find a great relationship it’s imperative that you of all people believe all the best things about yourself again and figure out why those beliefs went away in the first place. Seriously, if you don’t feel them then why would anyone else be able to feel that about you? Bust out your laptop, a notebook and cocktail napkin or whatever you can find. It’s personal inventory time. Fill in the blanks in the most specific terms you can. Let’s see if we can’t go and find the super you! 1 When was the best period in your life? 2 What was going on that made it great? 3 What was different about you then? 4 How did you feel about yourself then? 5 When did things change and what changed? 6 How do you feel about yourself now? 7 What can you actively do to get back into that space? Let’s build on the good stuff you already have goingfor you 1 Why are you special? 2 What makes you different from everybody else? 3 Why are you a person of value that others should get involved with? 4 What are your best qualities? 5 What are your lovable flaws? 6 What are the tiny victories you’re going to line up for yourself? 3 (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) principle #2: get a life, have a life … (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) And Don’t Give It Up For Every Tom, Dick And Agnes That Comes Along Dating someone new is always exciting. The rush of feelings you get accompanied by the desire to spend every minute together basking in the yummy gooey feelings of “first like” are awesome. It’s like you’ve entered this Utopian little existence where the two of you are in this bubble totally connected by these bursting emotions. You talk constantly, see each other daily, run home from work to get to him five minutes earlier, blow out your friends, go into work late, leave early, skip your yoga class and everything is great … until it all bites you in the ass. When you give up your life to devote all of your time and energy to a new romance you suffocate the other person. The feelings go from being “Wow, she’s amazing” to “I can’t get enough of her” to “She’s a little needy and wants to spend every second with me” to “I can’t get rid of her” to “How can I avoid her?” You can feel the shift when someone is willing to give you all of their attention, and though at first it’s flattering, shortly thereafter it becomes burdensome. It’s those shifts that cause you to back off, or to have someone back off from you. We’ve all done it or felt it. People don’t want you to give up your life for them, even if they think they do at the beginning. Those that do want you to give yourself up for them are the ones that later will stalk you. Many dating books, experts, websites, crystal balls suggest that you appear busy, ignore phone calls, pretend you have plans and generally play a game called “I don’t have time for you, please fall in love with me.” And while this may appear like sound or at least strategically sound advice, it is ultimately encouraging you to start off your relationship by being dishonest and has the faint smell of something … what is it? Oh, right, manipulation. That’s how all of the great love stories start, right? Wrong. So why does it seem like the game of “I don’t have time for you, please fall in love with me” would work? Well, it has a certain logic to it, being that you are hard to get and thusly more desirable, and because everybody wants what they can’t have it makes sense that if you’re unavailable then they’ll want you more. But pretending you have a life is just pure game-playing and misery. Well, then, what is your magnificent suggestion, guys? Ready? Wait for it … GET A LIFE SO YOU WON’T HAVE TO PRETEND YOU HAVE ONE. Actually be busy. Have unbreakable plans with your friends because they are as important as your love life. Be on time for work because it matters to you. Don’t bail on your responsibilities, family, dreams, values or well-being for the next Jett, Kingston or Maddox that comes along. People like a little mystery. People like to get to know you over a period of time and they like to think about you and wonder what you might be doing. Wonder why you might have to leave early, why you like your job, why your friends are so important or why you’re so close to your family and think, “Wow, she’s got other priorities than me and a very cool life.” Having a life that’s important to you and not dumping your friends, job, plans, interests and current schedule for someone new will serve BOTH of you well. You must have a life! A full one that does not stop every time a potential boyfriend or girlfriend comes into the fray. And if you don’t have one you need to ask yourself why that is, and what the f*#k you’re waiting for? Seriously. There are people that live lives that people admire and there are people that watch people live those lives. Why are you being a watcher instead of a doer? It’s actually quite simple to get a life. For instance, let’s say it’s Thursday, and you don’t have plans for Friday but you think the person you have your sights on might call to ask you out. The old you would have just waited to see if they called, then be disappointed if they didn’t and have missed the boat on whatever opportunities you might have had besides a date. But the new you, being the doer that you are, will not sit by the phone but instead will make any variety of plans that will enrich your life or create an interesting experience to retell over coffee, like meting up with old friends, trying a new restaurant, going to see a great new band at that club you’ve never been to or attending an art opening. By getting out in the world and doing things instead of waiting for someone to take you into their world you become a person who is living a fuller life. Are you not more interesting when you have experiences to share? Are you not more appealing if you have events to talk about? Are you not more fascinating if you have a valuable life instead of a disposable one? People are attracted to winners and movement. We love and are inspired by people who move gracefully through this world with a sense of purpose. People who don’t ask permission to live their lives but actually just do it regardless of what others think. When you have a full life, not only will you attract the things you want but you’ll also still get to have the things you have. BUT GREG, I HAVE QUESTIONS But What If His Schedule is Hard To Work Around? Dear Greg, I’ve been going out with a guy for a couple ofweeks who works a lot. He can’t plan ahead that oftenfor dates so I’ve been really cool about keeping myschedule open in case he can see me. My friends aregetting all pissed off at me because I either won’tcommit to plans with them or bail to see the new guy.What’s the trick to this sticky situation? Clara Notting Hill, England Dear Calendar Girl, Let me put it this way. I fly with a particularairline because I like them and they are dependable.However they don’t wait for me to call to decidewhen they are going to fly. They have a schedule tokeep so I fly only when it’s right for both of us notjust them. Sometimes I have to change my plans soI can catch a certain flight because I don’t want tofly with anyone else. I also know that if I decide notto fly they are going to fly anyway and that doesn’tmean they don’t like me. It means they’ve got a jobto do and that’s why I fly them in the first place.Plus they are just a really sexy airline. Do you seewhere I’m going with this? You are the airline. Youshould keep your flights—that means plans withyour friends and your own schedule—and he cancome fly with you when he can but you aren’tholding up the plane or your life for him. Becauseflying with you is better than flying any other airlineand the right guy will figure that out. But What If I’m Happy To Give Up My Life? Dear Greg, When I like someone, I like them a lot. I can’t helpthe way I feel and I’m not going to deny myself allthose great feelings when you like someone new andare completely inseparable. I’m happy to give up mylife because what I get in return is worth the price. I’mguilty of smothering guys but I’ve been smothered tooand it’s not the worst way to figure out that you’re notin the right thing. That’s how I roll and it just makessense to me that when I find the right guy we’ll be allover each other and know we’re in the right placewhen neither of us gets tired or smothered. Thatsounds like paradise to me. Every relationship is agamble and I’m a girl with a stack of chips and a tastefor gambling. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Brooke Los Angeles, CA Dear Smoking Aces, Right on. Can’t wait until your book comes out.Sounds like you and the guys you attract have a lotgoing for you. P.S. The next time you smother someone do itwith a pillow, that way they’ll never go away. What If Not Canceling My Plans Doesn’t Work? Dear Greg, I went on this fabulous first date with a sportswriter. This was on a Monday. I felt we reallyconnected. We both like South Western cooking, theoutdoors and especially camping. He actually saidsomething like, “We should go camping sometime.”Which I thought was both promising and sweet. So Isaid, “… let me check my schedule.” We laughedabout it. Two nights later her took me to a baseballgame and the night after that we went dancing. Bothtimes he brought up the camping thing, even sayingmaybe we could go that weekend. I told him I had acousin who was having her baby shower but maybethe weekend after that. He said that he was going tobe on the road and that this was the only chance he’dhave for awhile. I told him I wasn’t going to break myplans but would block out some time when he gotback. He agreed but I never heard from him again.Did I blow it? I really liked him. Emily Pittsburg, PA Dear Camp Emily, You did blow it. Not only should you have toldyour cousin to shove it, you should have also quityour job, bought a tent and camped out in front ofhis place. No, you didn’t blow it! You did exactlywhat you should have done, which is stick to yourplans. You had already seen him three times thatweek. The fact that you never heard back makes methink that the sports writer just wanted to get younaked in a tent. Otherwise he would have gladlywaited for the pleasure of your awesome company.Besides, how upset would you be had youdisappointed your cousin, gone camping and thenhe never called again? Just keep doing what yourdoing, kiddo, because you’re batting a thousand. What If He Has No Life? Dear Greg, Okay here’s a tough one. I’ve been seeing this verycool guy for a little over a month. He did everythingright, in fact he is just that into me. Ha! He calls, heshows up when he says he’s going to, he’saffectionate, he’s interested in my work (I’m a barrister)and he likes my friends and family. So what’s theproblem? I feel so bad even writing this, but he’s tooavailable. I was so afraid he was going to be like somany guys I had dated before who weren’t interestedin my life, but this is just the opposite. He’s almost toointerested in my life, not only that but aside from hisjob (he’s a systems analyst) he doesn’t seem to have alife of his own. How do you tell someone to get a life?I don’t want to ruin this. How do I fix it? Cerys Cardiff, Wales Dear He’s Just Too Into You You just have to tell him the truth today becausethis is a relationship killer. Here’s how you do it:you tell him all the good things you just told meabout him and that this relationship has realpotential, but in order for it to go the distance heshouldn’t feel the need to devote so much time toyou. Tell him that you’d love to do more things withhis friends and family and that you also require alittle alone time to recharge your battery. One oftwo things will happen: he will be excited at thepossibility of bringing your two worlds together oryou’ll find out for sure that he has no other life. Ifthe latter is true then you will have to tell him thatyour requirements for a great relationship includeboth people having a full life and that he’s got tofind other things in his life besides his job and youto bring him happiness. Hopefully he willunderstand. You may be doing him a giant favor butyou have to be clear that this relationship will notwork unless he does that. Sorry Hot Stuff, but itjust won’t. FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE Where Can I Find A Life? Dear Greg, I heard you on the radio the other day talkingabout getting a life but you didn’t say exactly how oneshould do that. Here’s my problem. I moved recentlyfor work and within a week I met the girl who wouldbecome my girlfriend. We spent all kinds of timetogether but now I can tell she’s getting kind of sick ofme. I don’t want to be that guy who has no life. Theproblem is I don’t know anyone here except myboring office mates and most of my social life revolvesaround her. Help. Burton Roswell, GA Dear This Boys Life, Softball, guitar lessons, charity work—just dosomething. Look, moving is a big adjustment letalone adding a new relationship to the mix. So dosome deep thinking. Get a piece of paper and writedown all the things you have always wanted to tryor do. Anything from starting a band to losingweight is an excuse to get you out the door andinto the world. Plus don’t be afraid to spend sometime alone. Trust me, as a married father of two, Iread your letter with a spot of envy. I love my lifelike no other, but there are days when I’d eat abee’s nest for a couple hours alone. Okay, that’s notentirely true, but you get my meaning. THE CHICK THAT BLEW IT Sienna and I worked for the same Internet marketing company for about two years but I only ever spent time around her at company functions, retreats, team-building events, etc. … Then I got promoted and ended up being in charge of her division. I thought, “Cool, now I’ll get to know her better.” So I asked her out and we went on a few dates that were great. I realized that I really liked her a lot and I wanted to see her all the time. I’d call her from business meetings and ask her to sneak out to meet me during work hours, but she wouldn’t. It was delicious torture. We’d meet up after work a couple times a week but that was it. Her sister and she do dinner together on Tuesdays, she has Pilates on Thursdays, does her laundry and housekeeping on Sunday and had just signed up for a pottery class Saturday morning. She was pretty scheduled out so that didn’t leave that much time for me. Finally a girl with a life of her own, how sexy is that? I was really getting into her and loved having to juggle my own schedule to match any openings she had. It made the time we did spend together really valuable. But then it’s like she flipped a switch and just ditched everything to hang out with me all the time. She even blew off her Tuesday dinners with her sister and was just always there. All the things that made her so interesting and almost unattainable were just gone. I tried to hang in there but when she stopped doing all those things she stopped being the girl I was so attracted to and became totally dependent on me to fill her time. It was too much pressure and I bailed after three weeks. Enzo Berkeley, CA IT WORKED FOR ME! I spent years being unfulfilled by my life, my job, my boyfriends and my friend-friends. I just couldn’t get everything in sync to a place where it all felt good instead of just okay. So now I’m here. I love my job and get great satisfaction from doing it well. I’ve narrowed down my friends to just the ones where the friendship is effortless, secure and supportive. I have a dog who keeps me busy and well loved and have my little rituals that I do, be it bubble baths, crossword puzzles, Sunday matinees with the girls or riding my bike to work once a week that make me feel pretty happy on a daily basis. Things felt better than good because I liked my life. So when Mitchell and I started dating I was really reluctant to give any of it up because I had worked so hard to find the perfect balance in my life. It was the first time ever that I wasn’t trying to escape from my life into a relationship. But Mitchell not only didn’t want me to give up my life, he liked that about me and even had his own that he didn’t want to give up. What a concept! Because we both had lives that we liked we didn’t just rush into spending all our time together and have really built our relationship slowly. The time we spend together is time we’re dying to spend together because we have so much to tell each other and have had time (even if it’s just been a day) to miss each other. It’s the best-feeling relationship I’ve ever had and it’s because my boyfriend is part of my life, not my life. Gerilyn Edmonton, Canada FIRST PERSON SINGLE by Amiira I like being alone, in fact I love it, so when I was single it was a great luxury for me to get to design my life around the basic parameters of work, friendships and spare time. Though I’ve never been one to go to the movies or dinner at a restaurant on my own (not because I was afraid to but because it never occurred to me) I was always up for a solo adventure in the city and found that I often preferred being alone to having plans. How antisocial, right? Maybe or maybe not … The thing about having things that are important to you and that don’t depend on anyone else’s availability or interest is that you can fuel your life and happiness without others. That in my estimation is a very powerful thing to be able to do. I’m very in touch with what makes me feel good, less than good, powerful and pathetic. Filling my life with things, people, events, pastimes and hobbies of value made my life and my time valuable. It also made it something worth building on instead of scrapping every time I had a good date. Not only that, I didn’t need a man in my life to make my life great and found quite a few of them actually just complicated and detracted from it, which was definitely not a bonus to what I already had going on. My advice to anyone who is living a life that they don’t love is to change it! If you don’t like your job, find another one that you will like. If you don’t like your wardrobe, get creative and make it better (Project Runway anyone??). If you don’t like your friends, the color of your apartment, the stuff you put in your fridge, the way you go to work, whatever the hell it is—it’s up to you to improve it and mold it into something that you genuinely like. It’s only when you get a good life, have a good life and maintain a good life that you’ll find a man worth spending time away from it. THOUGHTS FROM MAN CITY I like the chase. I always have, the more challenging the course the more rewarding the catch. I don’t care if it’s an antiquated thought. And I believe it to be true for most men. When I’ve told women this they always respond with, “Well I don’t want to come off like a bitch who doesn’t have time for the guy I like.” You don’t have to be a bitch about it. There is a nice way of letting someone know your life matters to you. If I look back the great loves of my life they were always women who were self-possessed, confident and goal-oriented. They were women who challenged me. I remember I dated a painter who when she was working on a painting wouldn’t see me until it was done. Sometimes that would take weeks. Weeks! If I were lucky she’d let me visit her at her bar-tending gig where she would make out with me for 10 minutes in the utility closet before sending me home. That’s it. But I was fascinated with her. So why didn’t it work with any of the other women? Because usually I’d end up giving my life away or being okay with seeing someone for only ten minutes a week in a utility closet. See, for a relationship to really work it has to be the coming together of two great very valued lives that over a period of time merge while staying true to who they are. It’s great when we fall in love with you, but it’s even better when we fall in love with your life as well. DATING FORTUNE COOKIE You are the architect of your own life, so build one that youlove living in … and put in a pool and a walk-in closet whileyou’re at it. WORST DATE EVER Every year my girlfriends and I go to Las Vegas for our girls’ weekend. I know it sounds a little corny but I love blackjack and a good martini. I’m not a big partier, I’m a lab tech at a veterinary hospital and I’m studying to be a vet. So needless to say I really look forward to our girls’ getaway and last year was no exception, as my father had passed away and I really needed to do something fun. Well, about a week and a half before our big event I met Kurt when he brought his dog Cheech in for some x-rays. He was very handsome and talked to me like no man had spoken to me in some time. Since my divorce I’ve really spent the last few years working on myself and not really dating. Anyway I was pretty taken with him. He took my number and we talked on the phone every night. I even came into work late a few times because I’d only gotten off the phone hours before. He was all I could think about. He finally asked me out and I’ll bet you can guess for when. Exactly, Greg! The same weekend as our Vegas trip. I told him I was so conflicted. He even said we could do it when I got back. I called my girlfriends and they all said the same thing. “He’ll be here when you get back.” That’s why I’ll never understand why I did what I did next … I called him and told him I’d gladly break my plans to see him. Now that you know the deal you can only imagine how stupid I felt when he told me at dinner that he wanted to be clear that this was just a friend thing. A F@#%ING FRIEND THING! My girlfriend just now texts me that she’s sitting next to Britney at the Palms—and he wants to be friends? How much worse does it get Greg? Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson. IT’S JUST A F*#KING ART MUSEUM It’s all out there waiting for you, kid. Museums, gyms,friendships, charities, travel, etc. … all you have to do isput one foot in front of the other. These are the things thatmake you attractive, these are the things that give youstories to tell on dates and this is the life that awaits you.It is the life you must have in order to be in a successfulrelationship, so start taking some risks. You are not goingto love everything you try, but do it anyway because younever know who else has signed up for that formula oneracing class. The Original World Famous Winner Dater’s Workbook It’s time for you to get a life—and if you already have one, it’s time to make it an even fuller and more kickass one. We are put here on this planet to explore and enjoy it, so let’s get you out into it and doing things so that next time you get asked out you’ll have to check your schedule for real. Make a list of things that you want to do and start scheduling them regularly so that you are getting the most out of your life while this time is still yours alone to use. We’ll give you a few ideas to start but it’s up to you to think of more, then go do them regularly. List 5 things you’d like to do weekly 1 Take a yoga class 2 Do the Sunday Crossword puzzle 3 Take the dog on a walk 4 5 List 5 things you’d like to do every other week 1 See a movie 2 Wander around Primark for half an hour 3 Have dinner with a friend 4 5 List 5 things you’d like to do monthly 1 Get your car washed 2 Try a new restaurant 3 Take a tennis lesson 4 5 4 (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) principle #3: pretty is as pretty does (#uc9a3866f-6937-5a10-9973-6694e4b7fea1) What’s The Message You’re Sending To The World? So as it turns out, this world here that we’ve been living in happens to be a visual medium. How totally random is that? Not random at all, actually. The reason we have eyes is to see the world around us and the people in front of us. To give our brains images and information so that it has things to process so that we can form opinions and ideas about what and who we see. But what does that mean in a dating book? Glad you asked, because we’ve been meaning to talk to you about this, and it’s a bit awkward but … it’s time to get real about what you’re putting out into the world. We all have blind spots and don’t necessarily see ourselves the way others see us, and we don’t always care about the things that others care about. But the undeniable truth is that how you present—that means what you look like, how you’re groomed, what you wear, how you smell, how you act and how you carry yourself—speaks volumes to those that we come in contact with. We know, we know … people shouldn’t be judged by the way they look but rather by what’s on the inside. You’re totally right and also totally in denial about how the world works. Like it or not, men are visually stimulated creatures. Do you really think that when a guy sees two women; one of them styled out and groomed and feeling great, the other not particularly caring about what she looks like, that he thinks that the un-styled one must have a great personality? NO! He thinks the styled out girl might be interesting and the other one doesn’t really care so why should he? It’s not about being pretty, it’s about telling the world that you care about yourself. There’s a million different ways to style out and make the effort; not everybody has to look like Agyness Deyn. And not looking like Agyness Deyn isn’t a good excuse to not care how you look. Here are a few things to keep in mind … FEELING PRETTY IS PRETTY If you know that plucking your eyebrows and shaving your legs make you feel prettier, then do it! If shaving your legs opens up your wardrobe to wearing skirts more often, then do it! Maybe you don’t wear make-up because it adds time to your morning routine but when you do wear mascara and lip gloss you look prettier, more noticeable and carry yourself with a little more sparkle. Men notice sparkle! So take the extra five minutes and then you won’t have to wait until you’re stuck in an elevator during a city-wide blackout for someone to take an interest in getting to know you. DON’T FORGET YOU’RE A WOMAN Men like you to look nice and smell good otherwise they don’t get to be distracted from their stupid problems when you walk by. They like to see your legs, catch a glimpse of your cleavage, watch you brush your hair away from your eyes and, most of all, they like to know that youknow that you’re a sexual being. Any hint of sexuality or sensuality is golden with men. … BUT NOT A PROSTITUTE Men want to see your body BUT not too much of your body! Do you know what we’re talking about? There’s a difference between making an effort to style out with your appearance and dressing too sexy. Some outfits tell a guy “Hey, it’s cool to call me at 4 a.m.” and others say “You are going to have to work for it if you want to be a part of this spectacularness!” Yes, spectacularness is a new word. DATING ALERT! Dressing too sexy is a very real problem for a lot of womentrying to attract someone that wants to date them. It’s afine line between dressing provocatively and dressing toosexy. When you fall on the side of too sexy you attractguys that just want to get laid and think you’re the gal forthe job. How can you tell if you’re being too sexy? Well,are you revealing all of your physical assets? Is thereenough skin to shock your father? That may be too sexy.Unless you’re on stage performing at the Grammys, a burlesqueshow or in a Vegas chorus line, you needn’t giveaway the North and the South poles. We suggest youchoose a sexy part to feature instead of showcasing themall. Do you know how much sexier you are if a guy has toimagine what might be under those clothes? If he can seeit, he doesn’t have to imagine it, which means he’s notgetting the opportunity to really think about you. IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT YOUR BODY Take a good look at your life. What does the state of your car say about you? Is it clean and orderly or can you write your name in the dirt and make a killing with the recycling in the back seat? What does your home look like? Is it cluttered, messy and reeking of old take-aways or is it clean, organized and an inviting space to be in? What does the top of your desk at work look like? The reason we ask you to look at these things and take an honest inventory about what state they’re in is because all of those things—your appearance, your home, your car, your dress, your office—all these things tell someone not only what your life looks like but who you think you are and whether or not you value and like yourself. That’s what people are going to base their opinions of you on, whether what you’re projecting is an accurate representation or not. If the guy of your dreams walked into your apartment would he be impressed to see the piles of stuff on every surface and seventy-five framed pictures of your ex-boyfriend? Would super-handsome bachelor #1 be turned on by your teddy bear collection and candyfloss pink sheets? Would your dreamboat delight in the idea of canoodling on a sofa covered in cat hair? How would it make you feel if you had a great date then he walked in to your home, took a look around and decided that he didn’t like your life? Everyone’s sofa tells a story. What’s your sofa saying? So with that said, what is it that you could be doing better? What is it that you need to change or work on? Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/amiira-ruotola-behrendt/it-s-just-a-date-a-guide-to-a-sane-dating-life/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.