Crazy Detective. Funny detective

Crazy Detective. Funny detective StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky In England there is a detective, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson; In Europe – Hercule Poirot and Hastings; in the US, Niro Wolfe and Archie Goodwin.And here, the Russians, this is the district general Klop and his nasty assistant, corporal, Incifalapat.Together they will not see each other, but this does not stop them from investigating criminal cases…This novel was liked by Putin.# All rights reserved. Crazy Detective Funny detective StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky © StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky, 2020 ISBN 978-5-4498-0693-2 Created with Ridero smart publishing system CASE №1 NOSE Apulase FIRST Hello! Immediately move on to the description of the main participants in the events proposed by me in this section of cases. The first on the list is Major General Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop. Of all those around him, he was not standard growth – ninety-nine and nine centimeters. You ask: “But how was he admitted to the ranks of the guardians of order, after all, after one and a half meters they will not be taken into the army, and without the army they will not be taken into guardians …". But he is – a special case: His parents were, rather, his mother and her grandfather, who served him instead of his father, ordinary citizens of the Russian Federation with primordially Jewish roots. It’s just that his mother, once in the last millennium, when the world had not used computers everywhere and the Great Soviet Union, voluntarily joined the ranks of medical orderlies of internationals, whose duty was to clean up after the patients were emptied with a solitaire. And this happened in some African country and the ancient tribes of the Central African pygmies turned out to be sick, one of which, or rather the leader himself, is the Great Elder, a hundred and twenty thousand years of his calendar is old, and since his peers grunted (died) long ago, therefore, those who remembered his birth were not, and he was able to claim that his mother is the Sun, and his father is the Moon, etc. etc… Of course, the future mother of Ottila did not believe in this fairy tale, but she didn’t offend, she just smiled and nodded to the Great Old-Timer of all the Men of the Earth. After she, having received the leader’s treats, they were deliciously tempting exotic: fried bison eyes in garlic sauce, smoked eggs of an elephant with chocolate salmon, fresh blood borscht of a paramedic Ivan Kozimovich Pupkin, who had suddenly disappeared on the eve, and the juice of Koki fruits on the third… In general, the pregnant mother woke up and then her life was no longer of particular interest. And according to the legislation of the Pygmy tribe, the average height of a soldier and guardian of the order was at least eighty centimeters and no more than one meter five and a half centimeters, of course, he was therefore taken to their police and sent with the exchange of experience to Russia. So he remained in the service: he received permanent residence, like any guest worker, and since he was a citizen of the Russian Federation concurrently, no one could deport him. In short, everything is possible in our country, especially for money. But he had to go through military training with his father in the tribe and fill up the elephant on the exam. This was stated in the document presented at the place of demand, which was gouged out on Ottila’s belly and approved by UNESCO. Of course, another document was attached to it, although unofficially, it looked like a hundred bucks. And even more so in the main document it was indicated that he served in the rank of army general of the north-south division of the tribe called Nakatika Ui Buka. Of course, this title was awarded to him because of his father for life, especially since their tribe was listed in the UN forces. Young Ottila gained the following experience in the service of the tribe, more precisely, passed the exams on: archery, throwing a tomahawk, and climbing lessons on the trunks, which allowed him to climb, both on level verticals and with pimples. He could also throw both legs over his own or others’ ears and, holding on the floor on both hands, could dance a tap dance, do a triple somersault up, sideways, forward, backward, and without touching the floor. He learned to tame cats, dogs and other biting and devouring animals, including mosquitoes, bedbugs, lice and grizzly bears. After Ottila was sent at his own request and due to his mother’s illness, he was sent to the Ministry of Internal Affairs as a clerk – adjutant of Marshall, whom he had never seen in his eyes, but only heard his voice on the radio and a special telephone. After thirty-two years of age, he was transferred to the village of Sokolov Ruchey, Leningrad Region, and in St. Petersburg, the Lyuban railway, due to cuts in the administrative apparatus. They allocated him a hut, a former vocational school. The first half of the hut occupied the premises for housing, and the second was intended as a strong point. And then Ottila Aligadzhievich sits in her office and writes a quarterly, and then immediately, annual report. He is in a hurry, makes mistakes, confuses words in languages, and he knew a dozen of them, including: French, native tribal, five different Soviet languages, Latin, Russian spoken, Russian literature, Russian fenya, Russian homeless, interrogator language and others. He writes, writes, and then the son of ten years comes to his office: – Father? – modestly childish asked the one hundred thirty centimeter ten-year-old son Izya. – What, son? – without raising his head, answered the ninety-nine centimeter father of Ottil. – Dad..? – Izya hesitated. Father was still writing. – … well, speak?! asked the father. – Dad, I looked at the box here, huh?! – So what? – Some words are not clear to me there… Ottila looked at her son in a fatherly way, without lowering his head, picked up his legs on a special chair with stair rails on the side legs, got up, turned and sat down on the table. He affectionately looked down at his son through the glasses, let them down on the tip of his nose and asked, looking into his son’s eyes and not lifting his head, which made his head hurt and his neck was numb. He looked at everyone from the bottom up. It also infringed on his civic position. And even more so in front of a son who grew up like an ordinary kid. And now, sitting on the table, he could even frown on his black eyebrows. – And what words do not understand you, son? – Well..: President, some Power, FSB.. what is it? We have not yet gone through history. Is that so, fleetingly. – Or are you just a procuratorial school during this period of study. – the father smiled, took off his glasses and clamped them lightly into a fist, which he then leaned on the table top. He slapped his son on the shoulder with his other hand and rubbed him with a huge bald head, which was not humanly human. – Well, listen, – the father sighed, – the President in our family is me, some Power is your mother. Well, she, you know what he’s doing… Doesn’t allow to indulge, checks lessons. “Feeds,” added Izya. – Does not feed, but prepares food. – added the father. – And then who feeds? Father peered into his narrow-eyed grandfather’s left eye, then into the wide-eyed right, which went to his son from his great-grandmother, they say she was Chinese, but only Russified. So claimed his wife; height, weight and width of the waist in two hundred. The blond-haired and blue-eyed besides, unlike the red-eyed father. – I feed you all! – proudly in an undertone father replied and bulged out his chest. His face became high-wise. – And who is grandmother? – asked the son, picking his nose. – Do not pick your nose, son, today is not a miner’s day, – and he gently removed his hand from his son’s head, -.. our grandmother is the KGB. Old native KGB. – And what is the KGB? – Sonny worried. The father released his son’s hand and, looking away from his son, stared like a ram at the new gate, at the portrait of Dzerzhinsky. – The KGB is the same as the FSB. Only old as a grandmother. And fair, not like now, everything is corrupt… In general, grandmother is the FSB… – The KGB … – the son corrected and, having rolled up a saber of dry snot in the depths of the nostrils, pulled out, looked at him and, biting his fangs, spat out, wrinkling his nose. – phew.., salty. – DO NOT eat the roe that your mother does not feed you?! – the father was indignant. – No, you feed. – I make money on feed. And mother cooks and feeds from what I have earned. Got it? – Accepted, understood, reception… – Well done, your father, and you …? The son stood up at the SMIRNO counter, as the priest had drilled him. – Well done in the stable are, but I Well done.!!.. – .. Asshole… heh heh heh… Salaga. – Otila slapped the back of the head gently to her son, but Izya dodged and delivered a counterattack straight to the dime (nose) of his father, as he taught. – Uh.. – Ottila cheered up, hiding the pain, his hand only twitched, and his eyes shed tears, – Well, so, is mother feeding you or not? – Feeds. Deliciously feeds … – the son began to pick in his left ear … – And then my sister and who? – And you and my sister?.. And you are PEOPLE! – the father smiled and put on his glasses, went down from the table to a chair and proceeded to write further, kneeling down so that it was higher. – And what does it mean then to our AUTHORITY, that week… this… another President came …, American, the KGB is sleeping, and the people are worried? – What else is such a president? – Daddy’s eyes popped out from under the glasses. – And the one that closes with the Power in the room when you sit in the toilet for three hours,.. – And then what? – .. then, they laugh and gasp, like cats in March on the streets at night, then even squeal like piglets when they are neutered. And come out – as after a bath – wet. – And where am I at this time? – the father shook. – And you still sit in the toilet for an hour.., and then, as always, yelling: “bring the paper!!!”. – Here, piss!!. – escaped from the grin of teeth of General Klop. – And what is a “bitch”? – Don’t you dare say that anymore. Good? – Understood, accepted, Amen. – I got up again, in the Izza counter. – You have a combat mission, to find out who this second President is. – Already found out. This is your subordinate – Intsefalopath Arutun Karapetovich. – This old man? He is thirty years older than her, and forty-three older than me. Hey… this is a fool, is he a relative?! – Klop pinned up and began to write further. – Ha ha ha ha!!!! – After a little while, my father suddenly exploded and almost burst out of his chair. That’s how he laughed, that even a censored word can not be explained, only obscenities. But he held onto the shoulder of his son. – Oh, ha ha, okay, go, I have to work, and this other president has chicken eggs in their pockets and shoes that are in the refrigerator. – Hee-hee, – Izya grinned silently, – and maybe a cactus? – What you want… The son was delighted and fled to the first half of the hut. The second protagonist and first assistant of the district police officer, Corporal Intsefalopat Arutun Karapetovich, a former gastorbwriter, got a job in middle-aged retirement, solely because of Ottila’s wife, Isolda Fifovna Klop-Poryvaylo. He was three times taller than his boss and five times thinner than his boss’s wife. The nose is hunchbacked, like an eagle and a mustache, like Budenny or Barmaley. In general, the real son of the mountains, who at the beginning of Perestroika, going down for salt, stumbled and guessed in a gorge, right in a freight car open without roof, with coal from the Tbilisi-SPb freight train. At the station, Lyuban woke up and jumped. He worked here and there until he met the district policeman’s wife while drinking. She recommended him as a cousin from the Caucasus. Having finished work, Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop, as always, took a photo portrait on the table with the image of the incumbent President, breathed on it, wiped it on his sleeve, kissed the forehead on the crown of the head and put it back in its right place on the right corner of the table, resting it on a pencil case with pens, rubber, pencils, and a pack of chopped free advertising newspapers for personal hygiene. He hated toilet paper. It is thin and a finger is constantly pierced through it at the most crucial moment and then you have to shake it off. And shaking it in a narrow space, there is a chance of a finger hitting a wooden block of the inner corner of a Soviet-style street toilet and feeling pain, instinct made the sick finger moisten with warm saliva, instead feeling the taste of his feces, which he wore for 24 hours, putting the restroom out for later. To wipe sweat from his forehead, armpits, arms, legs and under the eggs, where he sweated exceptionally hard, he used a bath waffle towel. You ask: why not a rag? The answer is simple: the towel is large and lasts for a long time. It was too late, and the family was already breathing long ago. Ottila, entering the residential part of the hut, quietly went into the kitchen, took a five-liter can of moonshine from the refrigerator. Confiscated from a local huckster. He pressed it to the belly, just took a saucer, in which lay a piece of herring, bitten by one of the household. Or maybe this old goat, Intsephalopath, who had not brushed his teeth all his life and had simply bitten his jaw with caries. “That’s why I had caries,” Klopa dawned, “he kissed Isolde, Isolde Izyu, and Izya constantly kisses my lips for fives and fours brought from school once or twice a year. This is not pedophilism, one or two … – But Incephalopath’s teeth were mostly black, hemp and the roots were constantly bleeding, but Harutun did not feel pain at all. This defect in the DNA did not harm him at all, but rather even successfully helped in the investigation. Ottila wrinkled and wanted to put the plate back in place, but squinting at the jar, he decided not to disdain. Moonshine disinfects everything. So he changed his mind and went to the table. There was a small TV in the kitchen, and he turned it on along the way. Also along the way, I went to the gas stove and opened the pan lid, standing on tiptoe. The aroma, exhausted from it, simply intoxicated Ottila and he immediately wanted to eat one. He took in the cupboard: a plate, tabletop, pepper shaker, knife, bread, mayonnaise, sour cream, kefir, airan, koumiss, ketchup, bay leaf, a mug, two spoons: large and small, and, struggling to catch his balance, he went to the table, got up and got tired: both hands were through, too much overloaded and even had to use elbows. Everything dialed slowly swayed. Ottila tried to push the plate on the table with his nose, but the table was higher, and his elbows began to swell. Ottila puffed up and laid everything on a chair. Then he fussed about and, pushing the chair so that you could see the TV, standing by the chair, which is currently being re-qualified as an acting table, standing, poured one hundred and fifty grams of moonshine into the stopar and exhaled deeply, filled it all at once with one swig and accompanied it with a loud sound gurgling. He grimaced like an old lemon, without hesitation, grabbed a piece of the nibbled herring with his whole five and nibbled half along with the bones. Bones dug into his palate and tongue. He froze, but then he remembered his father’s yoga and forgot the pain, as grandmothers or children forget the keys and other trifles. Next in line was soup. The soup consisted of the following indigents: peas, sauerkraut, potatoes, fried onions with carrots on tomato paste, soft wheat horns, semolina, a mixed chicken egg with a caught piece of the shell, a fingernail, the size of an adult, and seasoned with one piece of bone from meat with veins into the pan floor. The meat, apparently, was eaten before, on the principle: “in a large family… don’t click.” In sucking already swollen soup and looked more like horseflies, Ottila nibbled on the bone and lived, while carefully absorbing the news. The next issue of the Call Center was on the TV screen: – And the most interesting thing, “the announcer continued,” … one teacher from Irkutsk was a fan of Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol and simply idolized his work, especially the work “NOS”. All my life I saved up money for a trip to Leningrad (now St. Petersburg), where a monument-sign was installed with a long nose on a copper sheet, similar to Gogolevsky. But Perestroika interrupted all plans; she invested all her savings in OJSC MMM and, like millions of depositors, was left with a donut hole. Having warmed up and suffered an extensive Myocardial infarction, she again began to save money for a trip to St. Petersburg and even in secret, disguised herself, collected empty bottles and cans at night in garbage barrels and along sidewalks. And now the long-awaited dream came true in ten years. She came to the capital city the hero of St. Petersburg. And, having found out in the inquiry office where the sought-after and long-awaited monument is located, she rushed with things on public transport with three transfers, why with transfers? It’s just that Moskvichka was sitting in the information desk, and Muscovites, unlike Pitertsev, loves to send the other way, like this time. Having reached five hours after the long-awaited place, she looked around and, finding nothing similar, decided to ask the nearby patrol officers who vigilantly looked out at the migrant migrant workers who were going to rip off the grandmothers from them: “Dear ones,” she called them, one of them responded and turned to her, “can you tell me where the monument to Gogol’s NOS is located?” – And here, – the employee twisted his head, – somewhere here. – and pointed to the bare wall and ofanarel: from the plaque there were only holes on the wall and an unstained stencil, the size of a stolen plate with a convex human nose. Granny died immediately due to a heart attack disorder. On this our transfer came to an end. All the best. Ottila drank another glass and went to sleep. In the darkness by the bed he undressed and climbed to overcome the side of his wife, who was snoring in a choke. She didn’t even move. When he climbed over his wife and was between the wall and his wife, he was stunned by snoring and the wind from the lips of the lovely half. Ottila took a deep breath of air and raised his upper chest, a little larger than his head, stuck his head in the back of his head to his wife’s sleepy plexus. He laid his ear on the lower one and covered the upper ear with his upper chest. The snoring disappeared, and he dozed off like a baby, in warmth and comfort. In the morning he woke up curled up on a pillow. There was no wife. He went to the washstand and, having washed himself, dressed up in full dress. He went to the door of the entrance to the Strongpoint, took the handle, and… The door opened from him in this situation and jerked, at the moment he pressed the door handle, dragging Ottila into the space of the Strongpoint, as if without a weighty air creature. He flew in and crashed into Mount Wife. The belly with breasts cushioned and threw the precinct back. – What are you? Izoldushka!? – He asked in surprise on the fly and after that he felt pain on the back of his head, hitting the floor. – Wipe your feet, I washed there. she barked and continued to mop the floor, bending in the lower back, back to him. The policeman went around her ass, wiped his legs, shod slippers with rabbit ears, and entered the office. The first thing he did, climbed into a chair, then walked to the phone on the table and pulled him to his edge. He picked up the phone, sat on the edge of the table and put it on his ear. He dialed the phone of his boss and, shaking his legs, waited, counting the beeps. – Ullah! – heard on the other side of the wire after the fiftieth tone. – Comrade Marshal? This is calling Mr. District General Klop. – Ahhhh… is that you? – Comrade Marshall was displeased, – how are things in a new place? You didn’t call for a long time, you began to forget who e… uh… um, feeds you. – No, what are you, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. There was simply no reason to disturb your elderly head off in vain. – Baska, you say, a dwarf? – Uh… no, sorry, head off. – Okay, let’s figure it out later, about the ethics of subordinates and owners. Well, what have you got, something important? – Yes!!! – What are you yelling, pygmy is not Russian? – Sorry, yeah. – Okay, we’ll also talk about the limits of the sound acceptable rate of telephone conversation, adopted in the first reading of the legislative assembly of Moscow and Russia.. And so, what about you, Sneak Bug? And come on fast, I’m late for the meeting. – Did you watch last night the next issue of the Call Center? – No, I have a DiViDishka. And what? – In St. Petersburg, a monument was stolen to the Nose. – So what? – I would like to investigate this case, if you will allow me, O Hon. Mr. Marshall. – What else nose, no one has reported to me, speak more clearly. Which monument had their nose cut off? – Well, with Gogol.. – Gogol’s nose cut off? – No, Gogol has a story about FNL. – So what? – In honor of this story, a memorial plaque was erected in St. Petersburg and it was stolen. And I know roughly who did it. – Homeless or what? No one else. He’s copper. And what do you want from me? – Tackle this business, cartridge. – So get busy, what’s the matter? But only in your free time. – But I will need expenses, travel expenses, meals, hotel accommodation, taxi rides. – M-yes. It was necessary to begin with this. That’s just to get to St. Petersburg, you can also take the hare by train, the Bomzhovskoe affair, so the hotel has nothing to do with it. You can change it at the station or, at worst, at the homeless in the basement. With them you will devour. And in the city and on foot you can walk along with the sights of St. Petersburg. There is no money in the budget until I finish building the cottage. Well, do you understand me? – And from the cash desk of my Strongpoint? I picked a little here on fines from collective farmers. – And more? – Yes, that’s enough for the first time. – Okay. Take it from the account. If you solve the problem, I will repay the costs of sales receipts, but no?! It’s not for me to decide, because the money is public. – Good, Eximendius Janis oglu Snegiryov. Of course, I have little time, but I will come up with something. – Ottila put down the phone and lay contented on the table, arms extended. – Here it is, a new business! Now they will find out about me at Petrovka 38. The door creaked, and the immense dimensions of Isolde Fifovna, his main half, appeared. – Will you eat? – she asked meekly, – and don’t wallow on the table, I also wiped it. – I will have breakfast here! – What does it mean HERE? Am I like a waitress or something? Go to the kitchen and eat like everyone else. I will not carry. – I would love to, but Marshall should call me. – Marshal? I would say so. So, wait. The son will bring now what is left. And get off the table, Sherlock Holmes… Hahaha … – she laughed and went into the second half of the hut. The front street door creaked, and Corporal Incephalopath appeared in the doorway. – Can I have a cartridge? – Come in and sit down… We have a business… Tomorrow we are going to St. Petersburg. – Ottila got up, turned and sat in a chair. – What for? – The stolen monument to the nose of Gogol seek. – Aaaaa … – The encephalopath entered and sat down in a chair for subordinates and visitors, having thrown a foot on a foot. – I keep in mind, Bos… Apulase SECOND Harutun Karapetovich looked thin and long. The face was a typical Caucasian. The hair is gray, long to the shoulders, even as straw. On Tiechka there was a solid baldness earned from previous work as a janitor to guest workers. Previously, he worked as a cattleman, after ten years in prison, as a political prisoner. The anecdote told about Lenin, the leader of the proletariat, and even the swine, to the auditor in the village council, and it thundered. Lenin would have reacted easier, just laughed, but the local authorities there – no. But it was in the post Soviet era. And therefore, with the disappearance of the Soviet system, the criminal record also disappeared. He was rehabilitated and given gas benefits. But with his retirement, he wanted to be useful for society, and then the wife of the new district policeman lured with his blue eyes and… the rest is HACK… So, I think, not swearing… So he went to the corporal to to the district police officer, and the rank remained from the army service. He liked the English detective Poirot and therefore he smoked a pipe like Holmes, he just confused them. He wore a hat and mustache, like Elkyl’s, only Georgian. Even a cane bought a similar one and a tailcoat from workers at the Mariinsky Opera and Ballet Theater for a box of moonshine. The shoes were made to order by a neighbor who was serving as a shoemaker in the zone. He even knocked them out with pins and when he walked, especially on asphalt, he clicked like a horse or a girl from Broadway. His nose was like that of an eagle, and his big eyes were like that of a lemur. “So,” said Ottila, and sat down on a special chair. Izya slammed the door and entered the office. On a tray he carried fried scrambled eggs with fish and his favorite freshly squeezed garlic juice. – come on faster, otherwise the python is already rumbling. – Fuuuu! – grimaced Incephalopath, – how do you drink it? You can relax… – What would you understand in exquisite gourmet? Do not drink. I personally like it. – ulk.. – took a sip of Ottila and.., – Uhhh, – burped it to the side. He jumped up and ran into the far corner of the office. A gulp of foggy-shaped tubers left the precinct’s throat and instantly, like tear gas, flooded the entire room. Arutuna was seized with an asthmatic spasm and when he coughed, he was not up to skill. – Would be ashamed or something?! I’m suitable for your fathers. – Or maybe a mother? – Ottila was experiencing scrambled eggs and, with a mouthful, spitting out crumbs, strictly barked: – everyone has their own taste, said the Hindu, getting down from the monkey and wiping his cock with a banana leaf. Do you want an eye? – Oh! Sorry, patron, I forgot something … – Arutun Karapetovich was embarrassed and sat down in a chair. Suddenly a street entrance door creaked and an old woman of about a hundred years old entered the office. – Who did not close the door??? I’m busy, grandma!!! – Bug Klop and choked… The wife heard the cough and ran to him with a sheet and a pen, so that he would write a will. But seeing his uselessness, swung and slapped her husband on bony shoulder blades. Ottila harked and spat out the yolk. – Uh, Harutun, an old cartilage, why didn’t you lock the door behind you when you came? And you, granny, come out, we have a meeting. – As? asked the deaf grandmother. – Grunt! come over after dinner!! – said Klop loudly. – Eat, eat, sweetheart with a marigold… I’ll wait. – the grandmother smiled and squatted down, as there were no more chairs, and it was not customary to give up space here, and no one from the audience came to mind. – What kind of lunch? BUT? I’m having breakfast… And then on the agenda: work with subordinates. – Ottila waved his hand and, holding a spoon with a piece of egg, pulled the bruise directly into Harutun’s eye, – and you? – jumped into a chair, – not grateful mediocrity, – then jumped onto the table, – you can only eat moonshine, and beat faces to each other. I’m not going to walk like a coyote.. – and like an acrobat, using a somersault, I jumped from the table to the floor, – and put up with you.. Write a statement and that’s it! – What statement? What are you yelling? “Isolde Fifovna interrupted him with a cry of King Kong.” – BUT? – the dwarf began with a start. – What are you yelling? – she asked more calmly and quietly, – don’t you see, she has been sleeping for a long time. – So, here, now, an overnight stay? Incifalatus, take this pensioner out. – Ottila recovered into a bag and climbed onto a chair to have dinner further. – I am an Incephalopath, a patron, not Incifalate. – corrected the Corporal and went to the sleeping old woman. Lightly poked her with a cane, like Poirot or Watson. – Dear, alle?! – turned to the Boss, who was already seated at the table and at a champ. – Boss, she, in my opinion, grunted. – What? Rape-rattle. – Well,. Does not breathe. It is dead. – again with fear in his voice said Harutun. His lips quivered. He imagined that the same fate awaits him. Harutun wept. Ottila froze with a mouthful of food. He looked at his wife and asked: – Zhinka, go check it out. Fifovna came up and lifted the old woman by the collar. The feet came off the floor, and the knees did not straighten. She went up and set the corpse as a vase in front of a mug, stupidly looking with her mouth full of chewed eggs, her husband. – See for yourself, schmuck, is she dead or not?! – and was about to leave. – He, Zhinka. You will answer for the Zhinka. she muttered… – Take her off the table, you fool!!! Are you… really, or what? I am the boss here, and the boss, and you?… – Well, it started again. – mumbled the tray Intsephalopath. – And you use the Ottila Aligadzhievich Klop fund for free! – the crumbs from the mouth flew apart, – And in general… pah, shit, – he spat out all the contents from his mouth and yelled, before climbing onto the table. “You are a maid here.” Got it? – Yes my Lord. – Donald Isoldushka and knelt. Her head was flush with the head of her husband standing on the table. And the size of their heads would simply impress any pessimist: Her head was five times larger than him. – Okay, heh heh heh, forgive me, take this grandmother out the door to the porch. No, better away from the hut. It’s morning and someone will find her. The wife took the corpse and carried it where the owner ordered. After all, she also worked in support, as a technical technician, a janitor and assistant secretary with the rank of senior mattress. A minute later she returned and walked, marching to the table. – I threw her over the fence. – Are you a fool or something? This is a veteran of the plant. True, sitting. In short – the bum. – You are eating. – the wife moved up the plate. – I do not want. You should have put it on my plate. What kind of food is it? Take it out, let the children eat up. Just don’t tell them what I ate. And then they disdain. – That’s right, if you have a whore from your mouth. Do you need to brush your teeth when you last cleaned them, a hundred years ago? – the wife collected the dishes from the table and went to the residential half of the hut. – Be quiet, woman! What do you understand in smells? Okay, – I threw off my sleeve with crumbs and drops from the table. – What I wanted to say. Huh?.. So, get ready to go to Peter. – What for? – Oh, colleague, we have a new serious business. First and last! – Are we being transferred to St. Petersburg? – Harutun pulled his hair out of his nostrils, was delighted and pounded with a cane. – No, take it cooler. We will investigate a serious matter, and not poke around the sheds, in search of lost chickens and bull. And then, when we find him, we will be transferred higher… – Where is it to heaven? – Fool, there are no cities in the sky, To America. – And what will we look for? What needs to be found to send us to America? – We will look for the nose… – Whose nose? – Harutun did not understand. Ottila climbed onto the table and walked to the other side, closer to the Corporal. He sat down and dangled his legs, chatted with them. – Well, in a nutshell.. – he began in a half voice. – And what, in a whisper then? – Nerd, competition. This case can be taken away by the Feds. – Ahhh! I realized the cartridge. – So then, the sleeve. Heh, cool! I am a “cartridge”, and you are a “sleeve”. And the cartridge is put into the sleeve. Hahaha Is funny – No. They put a bullet into the cartridge. – What, smart? And you know that in our country everyone is smart – poor and poor. Do you want to make a difference? Then listen, I won’t explain twice. A holy place is never empty. And your place, not just the Holy.. Do you know how many unemployed people in our village want to fuck you to take your free place? Harutun hatched his eyes out of fear and shed tears of senility. – Sorry, cartridge, not a bullet is inserted into the sleeve, but a cartridge. – Well, then hear, how much, I will explain in a nutshell: Eeee… did you read Gogol? – He drank a mogul. – Are you kidding me? – It was humor. I watched films with his participation. – That’s good. Did you watch a movie about NOS? – About whose nose? – Well, not about yours? … – Ottila jumped off the table, – Humor again? – Mnn, yes! – the old man stood up at attention. Ottila looked at the corporal’s groin and, with bulging eyes, raised his head, throwing his head to the end and saw only a sleepy plexus. – Sit fucking!! he yelled. The corporal sat in a starting position. – I remembered. The cartridge… this is where the man lost his nose… – Remembered? – Yes sir!! – So we will look for him. Himself … – And Ottila poked a finger at the ceiling. – asked me for half a day. He very much requested that I myself personally take up this matter. So to speak, took personal control. – The God? – No, you fool, Marshal. Nuuu, our god. He said that there is no one worthier … – Ottila jumped to her knees, standing subordinate and took control of the situation. – And how will we look for him. This is a story?! Moreover, they died. – Who are they? – Well, these, the main characters died long ago… and Gogol is the main witness, the same… well, dead.?! This is not humor.. Ahhh? – Fool. – The bug jumped from the lap of Incephalopath. – We will look for a monument on a copper board that was stolen. Either homeless people or crooks. All the same, a monument to NOSU, and maybe… antiques.!? – And who will stay here? – Isolde and Izzy for the main. – Is he still small? – Not even small, I already knew a woman in his years. – For this, a lot of mind is not necessary: put it, spat and went… – How to know, how to know… – No, patron, I could stay, my heart is weak… – Nothing, here in St. Petersburg you will breathe gases and ease. Harutun would also like to say something to stay with Klop’s wife, but he became thoughtful and looked away at the crawling two-tail on his knee and pressed the insect into the fabric of his trousers with his thumb. – What did you want to blurt out? – sarcastically, squinting his eyes, asked Ottila. – I do not have money or medicine. – Well, that is solvable. Everything pays the budget. If we find the nose. – And if we do not find it? – And if we do not find it, then all expenses will be deducted… from you. – How so? – And like this. If you still ask stupid questions, you can lose your job. Got it? – That’s right, understood. When are we going? – Stupid question. We should already be there. Let’s go now! – Why so soon? I didn’t pack my suitcase? – We must always keep it ready. You knew where you were getting a job… By the way, the same thing… – What? – I did not pack my suitcase. Yes, we do not need them. Upon arrival, buy what you need. I have a bank card. – And if there is not enough money? – He will throw. – and again the district policeman poked a finger at the ceiling and in a pygmy style jumped, using somersaults, onto the table, waving a foot in front of the colleague’s nose. He got to his feet and crossed the table on foot in the direction from Arutun to his chair. Tears and headed for the exit. – Why are you sitting? go! – and waved his hand, – and, as if along along St. Petersburg, swept over the Earth… They left the stronghold, leaving only a note in chalk on the door: “Do not worry. We left on an urgent assignment to St. Petersburg. You stay in the place of Incephalate, and Izya – instead of me.. Me!” And at the bottom is the addition in another handwriting: “Sorry, Pupsik, I’ll be back as I have to! While your Flea is walking up. Wait for me and I’ll be back. Maybe one…” Izya read the note and, writing on the sheet in the handwriting of his father and Intsefalopat, hid it in his pocket and wiped the inscription from the door. – Well, old goat, you got it. – I took my mobile phone and sent SMS to my father. Then he went into the house and gave the note to his mother. She read and shrugged. Let him ride. We will replace it. And not a word about the continuation of the father. Got it? – Of course, mother, I understand… And let’s take the pig from the headmaster, ahh? he suggested. – What are you? We must do everything according to the charter and justice. – And he yells at me in fairness? – He is the director. He knows better. And he himself will be justified before God. – Is that the one hanging on the wall in the office? – Nearly. There hangs Iron Felix, his deputy. Okay, go do your homework. – I did. Mom, can I go for a walk on the river? – Go, but remember, puppy: drown, don’t come home. I’ll kill you… Got it? – Yes. – Izzy shouted and disappeared behind the door… Apulase THIRD – No, patron, I could stay, my heart is weak… – Nothing, here in St. Petersburg you will breathe gases and ease. Harutun would also like to say something to stay with Klop’s wife, but he became thoughtful and looked away at the crawling two-tail on his knee and pressed the insect into the fabric of his trousers with his thumb. – What did you want to blurt out? – sarcastically, squinting his eyes, asked Ottila. – I do not have money or medicine. – Well, that is solvable. Everything pays the budget. If we find the nose. – And if we do not find it? – And if we do not find it, then all expenses will be deducted… from you. – How so? – And like this. If you still ask stupid questions, you can lose your job. Got it? – That’s right, understood. When are we going? – Stupid question. We should already be there. Let’s go now! – Why so soon? I didn’t pack my suitcase? – We must always keep it ready. You knew where you were getting a job… By the way, the same thing… – What? – I did not pack my suitcase. Yes, we do not need them. Upon arrival, buy what you need. I have a bank card. – And if there is not enough money? – He will throw. – and again the district policeman poked a finger at the ceiling and in a pygmy style jumped, using somersaults, onto the table, waving a foot in front of the colleague’s nose. He got to his feet and crossed the table on foot in the direction from Arutun to his chair. Tears and headed for the exit. – Why are you sitting? go! – and waved his hand, – and, as if along along St. Petersburg, swept over the Earth… They left the stronghold, leaving only a note in chalk on the door: “Do not worry. We left on an urgent assignment to St. Petersburg. You stay in the place of Incephalate, and Izya – instead of me.. Me!” And at the bottom is the addition in another handwriting: “Sorry, Pupsik, I’ll be back as I have to! While your Flea is walking up. Wait for me and I’ll be back. Maybe one…” Izya read the note and, writing on the sheet in the handwriting of his father and Intsefalopat, hid it in his pocket and wiped the inscription from the door. – Well, old goat, you got it. – I took my mobile phone and sent SMS to my father. Then he went into the house and gave the note to his mother. She read and shrugged. Let him ride. We will replace it. And not a word about the continuation of the father. Got it? – Of course, mother, I understand… And let’s take the pig from the headmaster, ahh? he suggested. – What are you? We must do everything according to the charter and justice. – And he yells at me in fairness? – He is the director. He knows better. And he himself will be justified before God. – Is that the one hanging on the wall in the office? – Nearly. There hangs Iron Felix, his deputy. Okay, go do your homework. – I did. Mom, can I go for a walk on the river? – Go, but remember, puppy: drown, don’t come home. I’ll kill you… Got it? – Yes. – Izzy shouted and disappeared behind the door… – Uuh, – the controller, a native of some Latvian collective farm, shook her head, letting visitors through. – There is no conscience, it’s obvious that the face is not Russian, and the general’s uniform pulled on. – And there is an administrative punishment for it.. – explained Sergeant Golytko, a native of Lviv. – And here is my passport, with a screech, Harutun Karapetovich and handed him a penta. – Russian. I am Russian, mine! – Like me, – added a pent – And I. – bulging out her eyes, the controller added. – Well, you’re all right. – The leaf passport pronounced the pent, – although for a second, – looked from under the foreheads, – are you an artist? – into the multi-colored eyes, after which he lowered his studying look at the ears, – or zoophile? Ottila’s eyes hatched and he neighed like a gelding, looking at Intsefalopat. The corporal reddened. – Well, stitch, with which cattle depot you, or at home culture? – the attendant handed the passport to Harutun. – What kind of artist am I? I am not a full-time assistant to the local village of Sokolov Stream, Leningrad Region. – Oh, gored, get out of here. – the duty officer suggested. – This is my identification. – Corporal, you say? – the sergeant scratched his cheek and put a seed in his mouth. – well, you’re free, and this one will come with me. – What does it mean, “come with me”? – the Bedbug was indignant. – Let me call my boss now? He will set your brains… – You call, you call there, in my office, and in the beginning I’ll test you for a search, maybe you are a Chechen terrorist or you escaped from your parents. Come on, let’s go. the servant scolded and simply shoved him: either with the butt or with the barrel, Ottil was entrusted to him with an assault rifle in the railway guard duty room train station. Ancephalopath followed him and even wanted to go on fire with his Ottila, as it seemed to Klop, immediately disappeared behind the column and pretended not to know Klop. – Harutun, call Isolde, let him bring the documents! – shouted Klop. “And quicker,” added the sergeant, “otherwise he will stay with us for a long time.” – And when will it be released? asked Harutun. – How to establish a person… – Three days? – the old man smiled. – Or maybe three years. – answered the attendant. – if he will not resist the authorities. – and slammed the door from the inside. Incephalopath, with the fingers of his left hand, hugged his thin chin and, meowing under his nose, decided to carry out the assignment, which suited him and his Boss. He quickly walked out of the station into the street and immediately stopped. – Where am I going? Harutun asked himself. – To Isolde, you fool. – answered sarcastically an inner voice. – So there is no money? What will I go to? – And you, for the sake of your beloved, steal, over there, from that fat-faced man sitting in a black jeep. – Her, she’ll beat her face. And not supposed to, I’m a pent?! And while Harutun consulted with his inner voice, Klop, having given his data, modestly dozed off while sitting in a monkey. – Hey bum, good fart! – Shouted the attendant. Ottila flinched and opened her bulging eyes. He mopped his mouth and, feeling a slush in his mouth, tried to collect his saliva with his tongue, but there was not enough dampness in his mouth and he asked for a toilet. – Colleague, can I use the toilet? “It is possible,” the elders answered good-naturedly, “but if you wash it.” – Why? – Ottila was indignant, – I’m a detainee, but you have a cleaning lady in your state and she needs to wash the floor. – Should but not be obliged to wash dolnyak after such stinking homeless people. Well, so how? – I will not wash a point! – Generally Bedbug said categorically. – Well then shit in your pants. And if something hits the floor, then you will fagot the entire compartment. – It is against the law; you must provide me with a toilet and a telephone. – And what else do I owe? Ahh? – the sergeant arrived. Ottila said nothing. And having felt that he was about to grow up, he all the same agreed. Moreover, no one sees. – Ok, I agree. – Okay. the sergeant rejoiced and led Klop to the toilet. – a rag, powder there, under the sink. And for the technicals I get. The crisis, hahaha. – And where is the bucket and toilet paper? – Rinse the rag in the sink, and wipe your ass with your finger. – the sergeant was mistaken. – Like this? – surprised Klop. – How do you learn, I basically have sandpaper, I can offer, and with plain paper we have a lot of stress. The crisis in the country. Moreover, we are state employees. Ottila made sour on his face and, taking the proposed paper, climbed onto the toilet. There was a loud drizzle, Pent turned and went outside, closing the post. And Ottila relaxed, looked between his legs and wrinkled his face. Not only did the stink of sour eyes hurt, but all the trousers from the outside were riddled with a small, nasty in color, smelly drysnyak. There was no question of the toilet. Even drops of diarrhea flickered on the wall. Incephalopath stood at the column and, seeing the sergeant who had left the post, quickly ran to him. – Hello! apchi, “he flattered. – What, are you waiting for a grandson? Penth asked sarcastically. – What grandson? Apchi, – stupid Arutun Karapetovich. – What are you building grimaces for me here? Or is he your accomplice? What are you planning, guest workers? – Who? Apchi, “Harutun was frightened. – What are you building a fool? Your friendship is wanted federal. Are you with him – BUT? apchi, – shook his cheeks with an Incephalopath. – no. I don’t know him at all. The first time I see. – Why are you boiling for him then? Stab, uncle. – Suddenly the sergeant barked. Harutun drew back. – He harnessed for you, as for your own, and you? – Ah, apchi, I know him, but it’s very bad, and only thanks to his wife. – What? – Pent smiled. – I am sleeping with his wife! – confirmed Harutun. The sergeant grinned and went to shoot documents for beer. – And when will it be released? – echoed into the lobby. – How the toilet is home and the answer will come. So for three days I have the right to fuck him. – Can I help him? – suggested Harutun to the whole lobby. – Wash the toilet? – Yes, to be released faster. – No, not supposed to. Harutun sadly lowered his head: Mdaa… he got there and there is no money and Klop was lowered. – Do you have money? – someone whispered straight into the auricle to corporal. He shuddered with his whole body and turned around. Behind him stood a fat ensign in a police uniform and was chewing a hard burger. – Nnnet. – Why? Om yum yum. – And money, apchi, – Harutun got confused in thoughts and, stretching out his index finger, searching for pupils, he pointed to the door of the police post. – And the money from my, apchi, chef, there, in the monkeyclip from Klop. – What a bug? Is that a nickname? – No, his last name, apchi, he was detained until his identity was ascertained. – Ahhh! Om yum yum., So let’s go, take the money from him, as if to yourself, and give it to me. – Ahhh. He has, apchi, a card. – Sorry. – And the policeman retired into the depths of the forecourt. A week later, Bedbug was released from the 78th police station. This was the fifth branch in a row, starting with the station cops and everywhere he washed toilets. No one before him agreed to this. And he had to wash off the annual dirt. Harutun was tired of waiting for him at the station for a week, it was good summer. He contacted the local gopot and the homeless. His clothes turned into a floor rag. His swollen face from the “ice” – a cleaning agent for ethanol glasses drunk by the homeless and the like – turned red like a chimpanzee’s ass. His eyes were filled with tears, not only from grief, but also from a terrible hangover. He was sitting in the passage of the Moscow metro station. His hat was upside down and lay on the floor. One could see a dime in it: one, five, and ten coins. He sat on his knees and sobbed slightly. Fingals hardly missed tears. – Harutun? Ottila called out, “what is the matter with you?” – BUT? Apchi, – the corporal raised his eyes slowly. – Get up, are you sitting here? – The bug came up and raised his hat. – Do not touch, apchi. – Harutun yelled hysterically and grabbed his hat. Some little thing jumped out onto the marble floor and rang. The ringing was heard by homeless people standing nearby. They looked decent and younger. – Hey kid, well, get off the wretch. – shouted one of them – Do not bother him to earn bread, schmuck. – scared the second. – Vali, Vali. – supported the third, – while alive. – Are you telling me young people? – the local detective General Klop opened his eyes in surprise. – ABOUT? Yes, this is not a kid at all. – Is it a dwarf?! – Yes, and the Negro. Heh. – And they began to approach the Bedbug. “A cartridge,” Harutun whimpered, kneeling. – run away, boss. I will delay them. All the same, they already beat me and made me beg. – Not ssy, I will explain to them in Sarakabalatanayaksoyodbski that you can not offend the elderly. Ottila answered confidently and rolled up his sleeves. – Oh, Zyoma, he decided to run into us, – for the bastard, the healthiest of them and the bald one. – Gray, drag it to the bucket. – supported thin and in tattoos, pointing to the urn. – I say right away, calm down young people, I warn you the last time. – kindly asked Klop, looking into the eyes of a healthy. He took it with his huge brush by the collar and, lifting it, brought it to his eyes. He smiled ehidno and sharply gasped his breath. He opened his eyes, as if with constipation and enlarged his mouth, as if he wanted to put Ilyich’s bulb in his mouth. The goon let go of the brush and bent over, grabbed his groin with both hands. – Ahhhhh!!!! – drowned everyone around. Ottila landed on his feet and, crouching, inflicted a second blow on the balls, but with his fist. He pounded the shot with his fists for a minute, so fast that it was difficult to distinguish between his hands and, in the end, hit the heel in the Adam’s apple with a heel jump. The redneck slowly fell forward and fell on the marble floor with his forehead, crushing everything sticking out to himself. Ottila bounced to one side, missing the fall. His homies are blown away by the wind. And in general, the transition was cleared of all kinds of freeloaders – drunks. Ancephalopath stood up, leaning on the chef’s shoulder. – Thank you, apchi, patron. I thought, apchi, I’ll die here. – How did you get to this? They closed me for a week? And you have already sunk so. “And himself?!” Harutun thought, but said nothing. Ottila looked again at the corporal and gasped. – Oh, Yoshkin cat, what did they do with your mug? – Yes, okay, apchi, – Harutun waved his hand and turned away his disfigured face: a broken nose, two fingals under the right eye and three under the left and not one front tooth. The cruel world of the homeless and merciful in one person. It is very difficult for the old to survive in this world at the bottom. – Mdaa… but didn’t you ask them about their nose? – No, it didn’t even come to mind.. – Harutun weaved slowly behind the Boss and chewed his tongue as usual, – even though, stop! – he exclaimed, – yes, I heard that he was pitted on copper to the nearest reception, and those – they died in an antique store. – Who, those? – Ottila stopped. – Well, from the reception point they handed over to an antique store. – And in which one? – And in the central one, behind the Kazan Cathedral. – Let’s go. And then, suddenly they sold it? They still came out of Mos. Bana on Nevsky Prospect. Dvizhuha. Ottila went to the aunt standing on the sidewalk and asked: – And where the fuck. Kazan Cathedral? – Nah? – That is: located. – You’re not Russian? guest or guest worker? – No. I am a district police officer. – Clear. Walk along the Nevsky, towards Palace Square and on the left side you will see the Cathedral. – Thank. Health to you and your children … – Before the Bedbug thanked and went with Incephalopath along the sidewalk. The case was completed successfully. The monument was returned to its place and put under the alarm and video surveillance. Bedbug and Incephalopath received from Marshall gratitude in the form of a prize and readiness to expect a new business. Bedbug sat in his office and, talking with Incefalapat, with his wife and children, talked about the adventures, omitting details of the humiliations that occurred during the investigation. Of course, the sad things were lowered and replaced with heroic fictitious acts… In short, they laughed with a bang… CASE №2 BLOOD OBJECT Apulase FIRST Five years of boring collective farm life passed, and Ottila began to get drunk with Intsefalapatom, more precisely, he was drinking Solop intentionally in order to take possession of his wife. And Bug in the mind, it suited. Yes, and Marshall did not call. – Ay, I’ll call myself. – threw a nail on his left hand, and a hammer on his anvil, where the nails are leveled, with his right hand for recycling. He was shocked by the “bell” chime and startled … – But if he sends me? – Ottila examined his household courtyard, where in front of him were: a gate in front of him, a bath to the right with a courtyard guard dog staring dumbly at the owner from a hole attached to the side shed. – Polkan! Ottila called out. The dog closed his eyes. – Kel, – the dog jerked his ear, – Jyat, jyat! – The dog closed its eyes with its paw, – Kel Manda, Katyam James! – The dog climbed into the booth. – Here, bitch! – In Russian, Klop was upset. It was upset, but not offended. After all, women are offended, and men are upset, he and his father thought. But he was upset and took the stone from the fence of the flower bed. – Polkan. – booms, took the second, and rolled first – Palkan!! – boom, boom, – Polkan!!! – booms, booms, booms, – Get out the bastard!!!! – booms, booms, booms, booms, booms, etc., until the stones in the flower border have run out. – Aaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! – the dog bellowed in pain and whined. Even the neighbors heard the cheekbones. Ottila sat contentedly and exhaled oxygen from her lungs. Further, the review saw him behind the fence, and on the left – the entrance to the residential part of the hut. – Ottila, they came to you! – shouted from the threshold of Isolde. The bug turned around. The wife stood at attention in the front doorway. From under the skirt, a cute face of Izi suddenly appeared. He was already seventeen. And she smiled sweetly with Caucasian eyes. – What are you doing there? – asked the overwhelmed dad – biological stepfather. – Well, get out from under the skirt! – She slapped her hand on the head and shoved her head into herself. Baska has disappeared. – Call them here. Ottila answered and, taking the nail in his left hand, began to straighten it with a hammer. From far away in the hut there was an eerie, dull thud. Soon, Incephalopath appeared, dragging the criminal by the scruff of the neck. He pulled it onto the porch and threw it into the center of the household yard. The criminal rolled like a ball into the center. – Who is it? – asked, killed by the sun Ottila. – Here, here, the cartridge. Oooh! Caught, apchi, in the act. Oooh. Oooh. – What did he do? – reluctantly asked the precinct. – He, he, apchi, in the dump hemp rub, apchi, understand. – How ter? – The bug raised his eyes to the guy and mechanically hit his thumb with a hammer. – Ah, fuck! – He’s lying. – The detained Idot whimpered by the name of Kolomiyytso, the son of Pankrat, the Ataman of the Local Cossacks and Wildlife Conservation. – You, Idot, do not buzu, the field was plowed. Repented, just hit. Klop barked. – Yes, I do not rub! – sobbed Idot. – “Kick from my dad will be.” – flew in his head thinking. – Well, what, will we call the father? Apchi, – Asked the breathless Intsephalopath. – Did you drag him from a neighboring area? Bedbug asked and pounded with a hammer, leveling the nail. “No, apchi,” sweated Arutun Karapetovich swept his head. – he is here, in the rubbish dump. – Well, so what are we going to do? Ah, Idot?? – The bug clenched his teeth and again drove on the same finger with a hammer. – … Get up!!! When I’m talking to you. Do not build a worm from yourself, an insect, what, do you go to your plans? – No. – Idot stopped crying, but was still afraid. – What were you doing there? Ottila asked sarcastically, pulling eyelids over his eye sockets and narrowing them, like a Chinese man had. – Jerking off? – pulled out a smile Klop. – Answer! – through an instant cried Ottila again. – I, I think …, shit. – Idot admitted and looked at Arutun, waiting for the order of execution. And this one, “he nodded his head,” I was by the scruff of the neck, so I shabby my pants, I didn’t have time to wipe my ass, so I hit the bash shack in my pants and got rubbed on the frogs. Now it’s burning. Ottila swallowed. – What did you bring him? He’s still shit from a kilometer from him. – So he, apchi, am saving up, rubbing …!? – replied Intsephalopath. – Look at the palms, apchi, they are smeared with hash.. – … and shit. – added Idot. – I did not take paper with me and wiped my ass with my palms. – Which hand? Klop asked sarcastically. – Both. – A kid of about fifteen, shaggy in the style of punk or schmuck, examined his palms and chose a dirtier one. – that this one. – Come on, Harutun, smell it. – asked Ottila. – What? apchi. – asked the corporal. – Smell your hand and make a sanitary and epidemiological conclusion of the composition of the substance applied to the skin. Got it? Incephalopath waved his head in agreement and walked reluctantly to the kid and squeamishly brought his hand to his nose. I sniffed the vapors that evaporated from the palm of my hand and shook the tip of the nose, then the bridge of the nose, then by inertia the wave passed to the necks, forehead and lips, and it was clear how he swallowed it all. The hat and fingers of Idot’s palm clenched sharply, clutching Arutun’s very long nose and pulled to him. Harutun grabbed his fist with both hands, wrinkled his face and tried to tear it from his nose, but the kid had previously relaxed his fingers and abruptly removed it. Incephalopath jerked his head to the ass and almost fell on his ass. He recovered and gave a slap to Idot. He, who had received such a thing more than once, evaded and Harutun, having missed, followed by hand inertia and fell into a flower bed. – Well, does it stink? asked Klop and handed his little hand to a colleague so that he could get up. – Mdaa, apchi. – Arutun stood up himself, rejecting Klop’s offers. – What is “Mdaa”? – I didn’t make out, Apchi, – stuttering and holding by the nose, Harutun went through. – Did you check his documents? – Yes, this is a visitor, apchi, from Kazakhstan, where there is a chuyka. – What a scent? – Well, apchi, Chuiskaya valley, hemp grows there. – And what did Che come here? – asked Idota Klop. – And what did you come here? – answered Idot. – What are you, a greyhound? I was born here. – Doesn’t look like, why did he come here? – Pointed a finger at the Intsephalopath Patzan. – And in the forehead? apchi. – shook his nose and splashed elephants in the Caucasian Harutun. – I asked, what came here? – Rodaki moved. I did not live sickly there either. – bored teenager. – And why, you can’t forget Anasha? Rushing? – I do not understand what you mean? I say, shit and wiped his ass with his palm… – Why are you so vulgar? Not the Kents, all the same with you, and the deadline… Ten shines.. Che do not laugh? – At least apchi. – added Harutun. – Plus – resistance to the authorities. The kid blushed. – And what, in Kazakhstan, they don’t put for anasha? – Ottila changed her tone. – Well, as a matter of fact they plant it, – Idot rubbed his nose. – but I worked legally. – What, legally? apchi. – surprised Harutun. – Hemp collected? Ay! – Ottila again hit the same finger with a hammer. – Like this? Something you, apchi, you drive nonsense, schmuck. – Arutun hit. – Where did you catch him? – bug Klop. – far away from here? – No, through the house, in the trash. Apchi, and most importantly, it grows there evenly, like in a garden.. You planted, apchi, a dog? – Wait, Harutun,.. come on here syudy? – ordered Klop. Idot reluctantly approached. – Sit down. Ottila pointed to a nearby bucket and turned it over, but it was without a bottom. Idot sat down. – Extend your hands to me, palms down… Here. Now, Harutun, bring the newspaper. – Where from? apchi. – Ask your wife.. – Pisyunya, give me a newspaper! apchi. – Who? Pisyunya? – Apchi, apchi, apchi … – Harutun turned red Idot chuckled. – What are you laughing at? – Ottila turned to the porch. “Izolda, bring the paper here!” – Take it yourself! Not stepmother grew up! Isolda snarled. – Go get it. – in a low voice sent corporal Klop. Harutun brought the newspaper in half an hour, Ottila had already managed to align a hundred nails. – What the fuck did you go for death? Come here. Ottila took the newspaper and spread it on the anvil. – Three. – ordered the bug – Four. – Idot answered in bewilderment. – What, four? – Well, three – four – five… – Are you kidding me? spit in your hands and three, three to holes. Erase all your shit from your hands. – What for? – Do you want to demonstrate this in the district police department laboratory? – No. – Then three here and fast. The kid quickly rubbed a ball with a pea and handed it to Klop. – In? Wow! – surprised Klop. – Immediately felt, apchi, the hand of a professional. Ottila pea wrapped in gold from a cigarette under a piece of paper up. And set fire to a lighter. The paper burned and dried the pea. Ottila unfolded and pounded a pea with a hammer. Loosened up with tobacco gutted from a cigarette and scored back. Sealed and completed at the end. I put a twisted piece of cardboard from under the matchbox into the filter place. And with his tongue he moistened the top of the cigarette and lit it. The jamb crunched and the retraction directly sucked to the precinct’s lungs and he remembered Africa. Its open spaces and the jungle. Dancing underneath there with the papuascas stinking out of my mouth. Olivier from the brains of a black man from a neighboring tribe who came for salt. First sex with a hippo and more. In the end, he, pouting like a bubble, held his breath, gradually letting out the gin’s winged smoke in gusts. His blood was enriched with cheerful oxygen and he felt as if he had flown in zero gravity. Everything around was bright and buzzing. Ottila’s childhood came and everything around began to please. The dog climbed out of the booth and, seeing the stupid gaze of the owner, danced and wagged his tail. – Nothing shit yourself?! – He did not utter his voice, and handed the cigarette to Intsephalopath. – on Harutun, hold on. As an expert, find the difference between shit and shal. – And I never smoked it. Apchi. I can not. – Like a cigarette, just do not let out the smoke. I say, do not put it completely in your mouth, leave a gap for supplying air to the lungs and pull in, pull in and not let out. Pull it in and feel it inside of you. Harutun slowly walked over and picked up the jamb. He smoked, as the boss ordered. After a moment, he turned into a vegetable and dumbed like a turkey. – Give the kid. – Ottila forgot and ordered Harutun. – Let the joke in front of the prison … – after half an hour Ottila continued – Arutun, alle. What are you soaring about? – BUT? Give.. – the old man waved and came to his senses. He reached out with a cigarette. Idot took the jamb, puffed and handed it around the district. He began the second round, and soon the Incephalopath finished off the heel. – Well? – let go of Bedbug. – smoke? What are you smoking, kid? – Belomor. – I got a pack of Idot and took each a cigarette and myself. Held out. They took and smoked. – Well, tell me how you legally mowed hemp? – Started Bedbug. – Heh, can you tell me at the beginning how you apchi legally planted her? – added Harutun. – Like, heh. – pinned Idot. – on the tractor. – What are you persecuting, salaga? – Harutun raged. – On a tractor, it scratches. Sit down, bastard! For life!!! – Yes, sit down, you, otherwise you stand like a hook. There, sit on the porch. – suggested Bed bug corporal. – In short, the joke was in practice. – the beginning of Idot. – And who did you study? asked Klop. – Yes, for a tractor driver-generalist. Well, they sent to the plans, hemp to clean for ropes. A tarpaulin for your UAZ from hemp ropes is sewn. – Here is how? – surprised Ottila. – So what? – Well, they put me on a cannabis harvesting machine. – And what is this? asked Klop. – Yes. – Confirmed Incephalopath. – How do you know that? – surprised Klop. “I am in my youth, Apchi,” Harutun began, but Idot continued: – … was a drug addict. – Shut up, puppy! – Harutun was excited. – you play, apchi, you sit down for a long time. – Calm down, Harutun. – Klop smiled. – continue. – Well, in my youth I lived and studied in the Caucasus in Sharaga, and we had a subject – agricultural machinery was called. So, we went through a cannabis harvesting machine. She, upchi, clings to Belarus or MTZ-40. Voot, apchi. – So, what is next? – turned to the kid. – Well, I’m going upstairs … – continued Idot. – Like this? asked Klop. “Yes, like combines, apchi, one after another,” explained Intsephalopath. – only we have a detachment, and, apchi, they have a ladder. – Clear. So, what is next? – Well, I’m going. – the beginning of Idot. – I got drunk right away. – added Klop. – What, apchi, hemp is the sea. – pinned Harutun. – No, chief, we were taken to a tractor by an UAZ with a district police officer and a nurse. A bash with a ranetka could be carried, but no more. The doctor constantly puts pressure on hold. There are no windows on the tractor, the heat, only the roof and the wind, both from the stove and the buzz walks. For four hours the shift is so breathing that smoking is not necessary. After all, you are in it yourself. Here. And across the fields along the road between the nickels, in a jeep, the Kazakhs catch the tractor and drive up, shouting: “Open the drum. Yes.”, But if you don’t open it, they will kill. So you obey. You clean the drum blades from dusting, and the dust is Galimovy hash. For this they throw bucks into the cab and dump. Up to five kilograms pulled weight, count, pent!? The match head for three hours covers five. This is the topic. – And so few, and three? – asked son Izya, who quietly eavesdropped. – to try. – Well, he jumped into the house, jerk. Can’t you see I’m interrogating? – Let him listen, it’s legal and instructive – the mother, who also warmed her ear, interrupted. – what’s next, going? – Well, in short, I’m traveling, the buzz is flying and it has covered me, but I didn’t rub it, I just sniffed the air. And I look, the partner is driving in front, and he will jump out of the tractor and run to the side, and the tractor is still going. I look in the mirror, and in it a UAZ policeman and a doctor approach a shift change. I’m not on the spot. And from the UAZ, the pent ran out after the runaway sidekick to catch up. – And why did he drive so, do you reproach? – bug Klop. – Smoked, moron, before the mowing. And the buzz of wind, in general, tore down the poor fellow’s tower and it seemed to him that he was mowing the flies on the plans for planned ones, in your opinion – drug couriers. And then, by type, the pentes burned. Well, he is to blame. – Hi hah hoh huh huh. – Klop chuckled, and Harutun hung, somewhere in the Caucasus … – and what, they caught? – Yes, in an hour. And the tractor flew into the canal. – Fun, apchi, there. – Arutun sucked in a snot. – Yeah, fun. – supported Idot. – Well, I went?! – Hehehehehe … – The bedbug slowly stopped laughing. – Go, and tomorrow at noon you will come. You’ll still rub it, and then we will catch you again, we’ll take you away and we’ll definitely plant you. – For what? – Idot was surprised and sobbed. – Harutun, get his subscription about not leaving. – The bug got up and arched his back. – Or maybe we’ll agree? – suggested Idot, who immediately stopped crying. – Tomorrow you will come with a pig, we’ll see. All go both out. I’m tired. The workday is over. – Come on, apchi, idiot. – suggested Harutun and went to the exit. – Idot. – followed the corporal boy. – … And with a pig, you bring a ram to me. Got it? – Arutun stopped and skipped Idot in front. When Idot passed the lead, Harutun kicked him in the ass and shoved him in the back, laughing out loud… They soon left and Ottila went to the house for dinner… Apulase SECOND Ottila opened his narrowed eyes and inexplicably examined the kitchen. There was an outcast and he terribly wanted to eat, but the table was empty. – What was that? he thought. – It’s covered! I thawed tears from my chair and I just wanted to start collecting food on the table, when he was guarded by a quiet and blissful moan coming from the bedrooms of the residential part of the hut. – Sarah? – flickered in his head. – But she …?! Sarah was the first daughter of Ottila and Isolde, but she had a congenital defect, that is, she was deaf in both ears from birth, blind in both eyes and dumb, in other words, blindly dumb and therefore did not need to be represented before. But now the time has come, especially since the moans coming from the depths of the hut belonged to her. By the way, God awarded her a beautiful figure and a pretty face. But he was embarrassed by another piece of news transmitted by a doctor from St. Petersburg, the day after the examination, when Sarah became ill and her father was seriously thinking about her. – She, sire, is pregnant, and this makes her sick. – the doctor quickly concluded. – And who is the father? After all, no one comes to her?! – surprised Klop. – Besides households. – Unknown. DNA testing can be done, but this intervention may interfere with the development of the child. When you are born, then you will see: the father is a Negro or Chinese. – answered the doctor and quickly walked away. Izzy followed him. – Doctor, thank you for not giving me up. – Firstly, thank you will not get hold of… – Oh, sorry, doc. – and Izya took a checkbook from his pocket and tore off the check with the number indicated earlier and handed it to the doctor. – But know, the doctor held out his hand to the check. – blood mixing, this is a dangerous thing. In eighty-nine cases, the fetus may appear very wrong. – What is it like? – A freak can be born. – Who??? – Barked on the other side of the bug and ran out to the interlocutors. What happened? It turns out Izya and Sarah became adults at the same time. But life is life. Ottila put up with it the next day, because he himself is the son of a cannibal. So what? …Suddenly there was a sharp bang of the door of the base office and Ottila flinched. – Again did not lock the door in the support. – Outraged Bedbug. In that half of the barracks, the sounds of Arutun forcibly dragging someone were resolvable. – Harutun drags someone again. muttered Klop to himself and glanced at his watch. – Oh, yo-mayo! Already three nights?! Harutun appeared in the kitchen doorway and exclaimed: – In! I caught it! – and tossed into the middle of the old man, who spent thirty-eight years in the zones. This was evident from the tattoos on the whole body. His tattoos warmed like a shirt, and so he only walked in his underpants, and even in winter. The old man froze in anticipation of the beat. – What is it? asked Klop. – Wooh, apchi, this shnir the same hemp rubbed in the trash, and even signed the grandmother Key. – Arutun leaned on the jamb with his elbow. – Yeah?! – surprised Klop. – And what, she is also rubbing? – Yes, even how, she dashed such a bash, – and pulled a billiard hash ball out of his pocket. – Is that all hash? – He extended his hand and took the ball. He turned it in his face, sniffed, threw it. – Fifteen years will pull. Confiscate. Well, what do you say, grandpa? – He’s lying. – the old man crouched on the floor. – it’s not my thing. – And whose? apchi. – Yours, it’s him.. and hangs on us, and Claudia and I just fucked in the bushes. In general, this horse shit. – What? – exploded Intsephalopath. – It is interesting what the horse did in the garbage dump, plucked grass, which does not grow there? Or gear? And hemp was eating, life was steaming up, the owner – schmuck, so he decided to forget. And then it impatient. – No, I remembered. Some shepherd was passing by. He picked up a bag or rubbed it and left. And what? It is popular, without security, but there is no money for swipes. And so I want to forget. So the shepherd drove in. – Fuck, you say? – The bug climbed into a chair. – It is not difficult to check in the clinic in the morning. “Who are you listening to, Boss, apchi,” Harutun grinned. – It was like this: the grandmother Klava is naked, all smeared with petroleum jelly, you, because she couldn’t smear her back? I ran around the trash, getting lost on hemp bushes. – Running? – grinned the old man. – In the beginning you showed her, but you are smelly, and she is still a woman, albeit old. And in the bushes you did not fuck, and you scrubbed the blissful dust that had stuck with a knife from her body, sticking it into a ball. And you threw the knife there and in the morning we will find it and your fingerprints on it, and on the knife sting – gash, that is, dope. The old man silently lay and looked in surprise. After all, everything was as suggested by the version of Harutun?! – And how she still has not pricked her leg, an old fool. After all, there all the village shit has been from owl depot times. – Vo said! – the Bedbug became proud of his subordinates. – and from where did you calculate this, colleague? – He, I saw it myself, I wanted to take it off my mobile, but the battery was dead. – Sorry. – Klop sighed. – What exactly? Apchi. asked Klop. – It is a pity that the battery is dead. – I threw the tears from my chair and walked around the room. – I don’t have to move my brains. – Yes, all this nonsense, boss. Shit is horse-drawn, and if not, I’m not caught red-handed and everything here is just a run over for the quarterly report for the award. – concluded the old man and began to get up. – Sit, apchi, bastard! – shoved Harutun the old man. – what shall we do, Patron? – This is an abuse of authority! – the old man was indignant. – And you are silent! Ottila barked. – Examination will show. You are guilty, and if you want to go to the zone, you will sit until the morning when the expert laboratory arrives. Or, I assign you one hundred hours of work in the household. courtyard stronghold. – Where is it? – asked the old man in shorts lying on the kitchen floor. – Get up and shake it off, detained. Harutun will explain everything to you along the way. Yes, Harutun, I almost forgot: take a purely heartfelt confession from him in case you didn’t show up for work, find a knife, just don’t touch it with your hands, wrap it in a bag. And you, old one, if you will gloriously work out, you will cost only a centner of the boar. – In, yet? – the old man was indignant. – Where will I get it? – Shut up, apchi, when the Boss makes a verdict. – Uh, by the way, you can cut it. Go, tomorrow at six o’clock, mining begins. Yes, and take a toothbrush with you, and I’ll find you a bowl. Look, you will eat with the dog in turn. If Polkan permits. You’ll sleep in the bathhouse. – And can the last word be? asked the grandfather. – Go ahead! – And who will command? – Just me. Go on. And do not forget about the boar… Ancephalopath led the old man to the exit from the stronghold and walked quickly to the Boss. – Che, let’s get it? apchi! – What? Are you a colleague, a drug addict? – No, what are you. But I thought that, apchi, it is necessary to conduct an examination?! And immediately.. And then … – Harutun hesitated. – But the fact that? Sour? – examining the bash from all sides asked Ottil. – No. But expertise. After all, the verdict has already been passed?! – By whom? The judge? – No, apchi, by you, but you have the right to a pre-trial verdict of especially minor offenses, especially before bedtime just… – Well, come on, but only for the sake of a working conclusion. They beat a cigarette and sat down to smoke. Morning was approaching and they were sitting at the table and reasoning like Holmes and Watson, all the more so since Holmes was smoking opium and this did not stop him from making deductive conclusions. But Watson only drank whiskey, cherry, thumped shorter, like Lestrade, and because of this they were dumb and were a cut below Sherlock. Alcohol dulls the mind, so the Government of the world permits, booze and prohibits the sprouting on Earth. But the fool doesn’t need to eat anything at all. He is because he is a fool and knows no measure. But both of them were dissenters and on this they reasoned like that. – Campaign here in the village, someone planted Chuy hemp and blat the village. – Started Bedbug. – But who? apchi, idot or old man? – continued Harutun. – Or maybe a third party? And these can only be witnesses of what happened and decided to get ahead, having tried. – Toad, apchi. – What, toad? – The old man’s name, apchi, – Toad. – Toad? Heh. Let there be a Toad… A white toad in honor of a white swan. – What? apchi. – No, nothing. Well, what, go?!.. But no. Wait… Come on, eat it together?! Harutun opened his eyes and threw out his tongue slightly in surprise. – Not against? he asked, squinting his eyes maliciously at Ottil. – you didn’t eat all day and night according to the plans of addicts drove? – Yes, apchi, exactly. – clapping his hands, Harutun ran up abruptly and sat in another chair. – Che sat down? – Ottila drove. – Why, what am I, and what am I? – The corporal fussed and blushed. – Go, take it: there’s soup, there are spoons, plates, a refrigerator, – Klop began to point with his hands, representing the kitchen. – … there is a cook. Well, you know… A serious business has spun. – What? About anasha? – choking soup through the soup, Harutun sighed. – Just don’t sneeze. Suck it and do not spoil your appetite. Harutun followed the chef’s advice and sucked it into himself. – It is necessary to establish surveillance over a nickle and to catch all drug addicts. – Just, apchi, we’ll spend the community work day in the village. – Exactly! And the marshal will cover all our expenses. And to describe and destroy all drugs… – And then we will destroy this nickle. – Is this legal? Apchi – What? – Well, about the boar, apchi. – You are offending, this will all be included in the report, as a bonus to official dog Polkan, for the capture of Idot and Toad. – But it was I, apchi, who caught them? – You, but you still owe me, remember? – Yes, apchi, remembered.. Let there be Polkan. – … And we will send the report over the Internet to Marshall. – Have you ever seen Marshal, apchi. – Arutun slowed down the spoon. – No. Although I once worked as his adjutant. – So, who signed the documents? – Arutun reached for herring and sleeve touched the greasy layer of borsch. There is a window in his door, like in a cash register: there are secret papers and grub, to which, I tell you a secret, I spit more than once. – And he did not know? apchi. – If he did not recognize, then I would not be here. – I don’t understand, you lived there like cheese in butter, why did you need to spit? – In this country, spitting is an insult, and in my homeland it is a sign of greeting and love, like a kiss. After all, when you kiss, you suck on your partner’s drooling. And this is a kiss in the distance… No one saw his face. Well oh well, Eat up and go watch the dime. – And you? apchi. – And I’m going to think. If what?!.. – Klop yawned. I’m under the zhinka. – In the bedroom? – In the toilet, ram, of course. Better close them in the garage. From there, they still will not get out until the morning. – And the car? apchi. – Which car? – Well, since the garage, apchi, then there is a car? – There was once, more precisely, a motorcycle. Izya broke, now only a crumpled piece of metal, lying around… – Well, I went, Boss?! apchi. In the morning the old Toad came and, having received instructions, went to clean the barn. In the barn for a long time the master’s hand was not applied and everything there was covered with shit. Ottila, as usual, sat down to align the nails. I want to note that all detectives have a hobby that leads them to think: Holmes has a violin game, Poirot trusts his gray cells without interference, Agent Kay has a pie, and Klop has straightened nails. And when they were over, he would drive them in and tear them back in order to straighten them again and at the same time feel a buzz of thought. Bale, bale, bale, bale. And so hour after hour, day after day, year after year, and… Suddenly, a nasty face of the Toad appeared from the barn and stared, smiling at the policeman. – What do you want, stinker? Ottila asked. – Can I smoke, boss? the old man asked uncertainly. – Che, it stinks? – Not that word. You, hike, turned around a rotten corpse of a dinosaur? – No, I just flicked it and let the little dove out, which itself does not oxygenate. – Okay, smoke. The old man went out and took out a cigarette. – Wait! – What, boss? – Just leave your ass in the barn. – Hehe, the joke understood. – Squatted by the barn and wanted to light a cigarette… – … Cant, or what? – Bug bug. – No, boss, just Belomor. – Come on here. The old man held out a cigarette. Ottila took it and lit it. The cigarette was clean, without additives. – On, smoke. – Gave Ottil to the cigarette Toad. – And you for a long time to us? – I’ve been here for six years and have been thinking forever. I have reconciled. He spat on his career. Traded for this wonderful world, from which it carries dung and shit… Damn him. In short, what am I tired of already? – No, when I lived here until the last time I served, the district policemen changed like gloves. – And why? – The reasons were different: they were drinking too much, then they stole through measuredly. – Well, it does not threaten me. I am listed among my superiors as a non-drinker and a seller. Tell me something, can I finish building a barn before autumn? The old man examined the building, which was half made of brick. The collapsed gaps in the walls were patched up: either rotten plywood, then roofing material, then sacks. – Can. Only all this needs to be replaced. Yes, and your walls are obsolete. – And how old are they? – Ohhh! Chief, yes, as far as I can remember, this building stood. Here used to be a courtyard of some merchant. In the revolution, they say, they caught a runaway from the red-feathers, and there they ended up with the whole family. – Where? – What is where? – Well, done. – Ah, so here in the barn. And then it was a warehouse, and after the war – a stronghold. – Fun. Can you do it? Of course, do not disassemble to the end. The mills are still strong, they are also stone. Just finish them. – For a fine watch will not work. Moreover, you need an assistant and not one, at least two. And, of course, an advance, then there will be an incentive. – Well, there will be a fine clock in the advance place, but we’ll see. But I will pay if it is worth it. Like – I’ll give a chervonets, but no – the judge will give a chervonets. That’s agreed. And in the apprentice, I will tell you Idot. Do you know this? – Sure. This is a moron from Kyzikhston. – the old man froze sour. – And what? – Yes, he’s a drug addict, I’ll fucking. – the old man pricked the Adam’s apple with his fingers. – And you? – I AM? Damn it, this is the key fool of this moron obeyed. – And what, do they really communicate? she’s good at him. – Ay, he offered her extra income. By drinking, of course. – In court, of course, you will not testify these words against Idot. – You’re holding me for someone, boss. I’m not a bitch. I haven’t been to the zone and I won’t dance to your pipe. Better time than a freehand bucket. – Cool down. This is me. But what if?! – I understand, boss. – And will Baba Klava be able to work? – Sure. Although she is 65, she plows like a bulldozer. But Idot?! There will be problems. – Will not. I will attract her too. – And the money is equal for everyone? – You more, but after a fine hours. – And if we do, and we won’t work out a fine watch? – Get a Chirp from me, and the punishment is not granted. Lots of work. – But what is there to build? – The pigsty must be increased. I want to have pigs. Well, so, hands on? The old man shrugged. – Well, if under these conditions, three pieces. – You are four, and do not forget about the term. “That and that,” he shook his head, squinting at the barn, “of course I agree.” – Agreed then. Will you pay. I’ll give you money, but you’re also in demand, you cut it, Toad? – Ooooh, me?! Shit question, boss, let’s do it!! – The old man took a deep breath and lit another cigarette. – So, I kind of like a foreman?! – Sort of. – And when to start? – And even now, I’ll say to Arutun that Idota and Grandma Klavka bring. And here is Idot. – Remember the moron, he will appear. Idot appeared in the doorway. – Well, what did you bring? – Bedbug turned to the Kid. – In cash. – How many? – A couple of pieces enough? – Enough, but that’s not all. You will help the old one, he will explain everything to you. – To this? Oh well, boss, he’s leaky. – I’ll gouge out your eyes right now, are you answering for the bazaar? – and the Toad rushed with the Pitchfork, who were not far off, at Idot. – Wait! – I got the air gun of Idot. – Right now I’ll shoot the eggs. – Ltd? Are you with a gun? – Everything is legal, Head. Father gave. Here from such snails. – Aren’t you afraid? You are here under arrest. Can I call my father? He will not make you leaky, but he will give you pipets, you will remember it for life. And where did you get that Toad is full of holes? – Yes, everyone speaks in the village. – What do you scratch, Kalbit face. Why don’t they say piss in my eyes? – So, calm down and work, if you do not want problems… Everything… Quiet! I said: you will work in a place, period!!! – the district general Klop Ottila Aligadzhievich yelled at the whole yard. – So yazh crazy? – surprised Idot. – Okay. Let’s start from the beginning: What kind of trunk? – My. That is, the father gave. – Is there permission? – There is. – Check it out. But you didn’t get mad for the state, so you hired a tractor driver who will plow this hemp. And you will work out the term with him. – And here I will not. You will not prove. – I will not prove? Right now, on the Internet, I’ll send the recording to youtube of yesterday’s conversation and dad will not help. – Chervonets, exactly? – added the old man. – And you close hailo, schmuck! – freaked out Idot. – Quiet, quiet. You see, pimpochka? – Ottila pointed to the first catch on the fence. – This is a video camera. You can say hello to your family. The kid said nothing. – Toto, come and in an hour in work clothes here. You can bring a father. I hope he will be pleased to know what his stepson is doing. Heir! You can ruin his reputation forever. – No need to tell father. I will work. – That’s good. At the end of the commissioning, you will also receive towers. And you tell your father that you found a job with me. Got it? – Yes. – Also, go to Granny Klavka and say that I call her urgently. – And if she does not come? – Say that I’ll arrest you in all severity of the law.. Go. So the brigade assembled and set about restoring the barn, which, like a thorn in the eye, Ottila, before heartburn, had been getting through Isling’s whining for five years now. And Bedbug could not or did not want to find time for this. In general, Ottila was a lazy person, or rather, it was easier for him to catch a lion than to build or clean the cattle. Soon Arutun came with a Toad knife, and without those caught. Apparently Claudia warned everyone or those were exhausted. Further, the law enforcers went around the village sheds in search of a young cow that disappeared from the wealthy Lidergos family. Searches did not last long and the burenka was found in the barn of a large impoverished Sarikulov family. But to plant the owner of the family did not work. He went into denial and blamed on underage children, they say, hungry, that they stole a cow, and the owner did not know anything about it, the reason is the annual binge. Burenka was returned, and Sarikulov was threatened that sooner or later he would fly in and sit down. Apulase THIRD The next morning, Ottila woke up from the heart of the tearing mats of a manned convict brigade consisting of: Toads – the type of foreman, Idot – not a measured bootman and grandmother Clavka – the star of the team. – Where did you throw the board, fool? – Oral Idot, piercing his leg with a nail. – And what, are you gouging into balls? She’s hanging on your foot! – Toad interceded for the lady laughing. – You do, jellyfish, die. – Idot answered the old man, – and you, old woman, will still throw the board with the nails, I’ll put it in the ass. – Look, don’t bother with carnations, especially on Zhabin! – the bass rattled off without a grandma Klava. – So, convicts, that we scream, but there is no fight? – Ottila asked, smiling smartly, who went out onto the porch. – Yes, this fool scattered the old boards, and I pricked my leg. – Idot went more modestly. – Careful need. Here and my children walk. – And what, Sarah is already walking? – Grandmother Clavka rejoiced. – and how is her pregnancy going? have not given birth yet? – Unfortunately, it only goes in a dream. – the owner was depressed and was immediately taken aback because of the word “pregnant”. – What did you say? – Excuse me, please, but is it a joy?! – the old woman modestly apologized. – Come on, have already resigned. She is under the supervision of Dr. Smertiev, a professor from St. Petersburg. “But I don’t understand…” and Ottila broke off in time. – From whom is pregnant? the old woman blurted out. – How do you know about pregnancy? – bug asked bug. – So the whole village knows and knows from whom. the grandmother said confidently. – And from whom? asked the Toad, tearing the board from the wall. – So you’re not a taste, or what? – the grandmother was surprised. – So don’t Tomi, say the name, sister, name, answered the old man. – So your son, Izzy. – Surely the old woman reported in a voice. – Oops, no shit to yourself, joke! – for the bald Idot. – And you are generally silent, the victim of an abortion. – the grandmother came over the kid. – Quiet! – Bedbug was shocked. – why did you, grandma Clavka, get this? Who told you this heresy? – Ottila became dull and darkened, as he was dark-skinned. The keyboard cluttered and began to look worse, twenty years older than its seventy years. – Well, I think so, – clavored Klavka and changed her facial expressions, and began to look like a thirteen-year-old girl who looked in the mirror after losing conscience. Her skin was pulled up and its reality was revealed only by a toothless mouth, where only one sticking out black as coal, a tooth and stumps not finished by caries stuck out. – Of all the males, only Izya visited her… and you? – the grandmother choked. – but you are her father! I think. – In the toilet you will think, but here, come on, Pasha. – Idot drove, – What a man are you driving in paint? Do you want to get on TV? Sensation! Brother raped sister and was born a humanoid? Yes, you will soon die than someone pay attention to it. – Or maybe you are his father? – with grandma Klavka maliciously. – Who, the district officer, or what? You drive, old woman. – and Idot threw a found piece of manure into it. – That you drove the geese. This, in my opinion, is about the embryo of Sarah, and not the bedbug mother. – the grandmother explained. – Firstly, not an embryo, but an embryo. You give birth to a brainless creature. And a person has an embryo. It was necessary to study at school … – Toad declared and glanced sideways at Idot. – And secondly? – the grandmother recalled. – And secondly.. – and the Old Man turned his eyes to Klop, but that wasn’t anywhere. – And where is Bedbug? he asked Keyboard. – Just been here. – the grandmother shrugged. – Yes, he dumped. Who is pleased when they talk about you. What’s there: secondly? Idot asked. – So it is. Ohhh?! – Something surprised the Toad. – I found a hole in the wall. – Where? – asked Idot and went to the Toad deep into the barn. There was a hole in the wall that looked like a furnace well. All in soot and bullets. – Yes, this is an old stove… Or maybe the treasure is buried in it? – the old woman rejoiced and assumed her original appearance of her age. The toad put his hand into the hole. – Or a trap from rats. Hehe. – pinned Idot. – I’m not afraid of death. – And the Toad plunged his hand into the elbow deep. Suddenly something began to rustle. – Ahhhh!!! the old man yelled and tried to pull out his hand. – What,.. a trap? – the grandmother climbed in. Toad bulging eyes. The hand is stuck. Sweat leaked from Toad’s forehead and his raging eyes were like a drowning man in the last two minutes. After a moment, the hand vibrated again, so much so that his Toad’s cheeks shook and he suddenly pulled his hand out. A dry mummy of a dead smiling cat was clamped in the brush. – Wo, have me a member! – surprised the Toad and held out, teasing the face of the corpse, to the flabby face of Claudia. – Woah buy! – the grandmother twitched and, having jumped on the backside, settled down on her immense backside straight on a nail of one hundred and fifty size in millimeters, sticking out of the board that she had thrown herself earlier. In a goiter, breath in full… – Ha, what did I say?! that ass will put you on the count. – charged Idot. And to the friendly Idotov’s words, the grandmother barked at the old throat. – Went to the farm, to catch grandmothers. – the old woman became furious and, lifting her left wounded buttock, torn the nailed board to her body. The nail was rusty and with a corrugated surface like a saw. Blood dripped from the end. The keyboard examined him from all sides and, feeling pain, yelled violently. – What are you laughing at, bastard? – she sobbed and threw the board with a bloody nail in Idot. He dodged and began to run away. The bricks launched into the trail flew into pursuit. One of the stones hit an angle at the back of the head of a kid. He fell and twitched. – Are you driving? – Toad scared. – Nothing will die. – the grandmother Klavka calmed down and anointed the wound with saliva. Idot later got up swaying and crouched beside him, holding with both hands a sore spot. – I’ll bang you. – Idot stumbled into the floor of his voice. – ABOUT? Watch it! She has a bundle of burlap in her belly. – The toad pulled this bundle from the cat’s stomach and showed it to everyone. – Turn it around, asked the sad Idot. – Maybe there bruliki? – suggested, the grandmother, who had forgotten the pain, was the keyboard. – And you, Goldfinch, go work. she barked at Idot. – your surname Mukhin and you fly over a dolyah from a treasure, like a fly over Paris. – What are you saying? Or maybe you’ll go to hell, A? – Idot rode on. – What a yoknu on a boobs! – Uh, good! – Toad snorted. – Buzu stop both. Want a pent taken away? Divide into three. – In! And this is respect for you Toad. Sorry. I misunderstood you … – the paid Idot rejoiced. – Do not ask forgiveness, I’m not a red girl. You misunderstood another. Half to me and half to us. – Why is this for? – the grandmother was indignant. – From that! – the Toad grinned. “I could have taken it all alone.” – And how is it if they inspect everyone here in the evening, and do you even live here without a way out? – Yes, you are good to bite, old people. Open it, or maybe there’s not a damn thing standing there. – entered Idot. – and the game is not worth the candle. The toad looked at the co-owners of the treasure and tore the rotten rope without difficulty and slowly began to open the package. Witnesses on guard. – Hey, the bottles. Clay… – Scales… – One hundred milliliters each… – Six pieces… – And what is written? – Oh, are they sealed?! – Cork. Vintage, probably… – And what is written, let me see? – Idot tried to take one scaffold. – Not a trooo, savage! – the grandmother of the kid slapped on a hand. – Ah, you bitch … – Idot exploded and shoved the grandmother Key. – Good, I say! – said the Toad and took one hundred millimeter scale. I cleaned the label on my chest and again took a closer look … – Something is not in Russian… – Give me the syudy. – Idot held out his hand and took one small scale. – Look, the numbers: one thousand.. eight hundred.. ninety-seventh.. or just the seventh… It is not clear. – And let’s try?! Wine, go … – suggested Keyboard. – I do not know. Come on, try, you are a woman, you and the devil will not fall down. – agreed toad. – What for? – Idot intervened – Better in St. Petersburg to turn in the antique dealer as is. – Yes, we’ll try one at a time, well,..wash it, and hand over the rest to the antique dealer… Yes, Toad? – Well, come on, who is the first? Idot asked. – The key. – said the Toad. – she offered. – Well, yes, if you do not die, you can drink. – What would you do without me, peasants. And I’m not afraid to die. I am my… – .. from blinking. – Introduced Idot and, taking his leave, for the bastard. – Cattle! – The old woman slapped on the shoulder with the boy’s palm and, picking up her fang, tore the cork from the bottle. Sniffed. “Wine..” she smiled, and sucked the contents in a gulp. Swallowed and grunted. – Kryaaaa! cool. – Well? asked the Toad, swallowing saliva. – Fine. Already something in my head began to play. – Yes bullshit it. – Idot answered squeamishly, having drunk his bottle. – Yes, hell knows. But is it old?! – said, looking around his already empty bottle, Toad. – And let’s have one more.. – the cheerful grandmother suggested. – Tatars do not live without a couple. – So there are only three left. – Idot was indignant. – What shall we hand over? – Listen, but what?! To drink, to drink like that, royally. Once we live. And the bottles are already antique. They are empty or full. Bottles are appreciated, not wine. And they drank the other three glasses. They sat on a log and lit a cigarette: Idot – Marlboro, Toad – Belomor, and grandmother Clavka in the old fashion – a goat leg. So they passed out, without finishing smoking, sitting… Apulase FOUR – Ahhhh!! Ahhh!!! – heard from the yard. – What? – jumped out of bed Ottila, asking himself. His mind was still in a dream and he slowly fell onto the pillow and immediately snored. – Ahhhh!!! – Blop jumped up again and fell upside down from the bed. – Oh damn. – He grabbed his forehead with his palm. – What are you yelling, fool? Pale Isolda Fifovna entered the room with her eyes wide, covering both mouths with a gaping mouth. – Aa, aa. she snapped and pointed a finger toward the door. – What else? – sitting on the floor asked Klop. – There, in the barn… – What is it in the barn? speak more clearly… – There is a dead cat… – What cat? Ottila asked again, rubbing his swollen forehead. – What are you talking about? – Mummy! – Having spread her eyes to the floor of her voice, she said. – Right now, let’s see. – Ottila got to his feet and went barefoot in his underpants to the barn. Yesterday, he returned late at night, when everyone was sleeping and therefore did not ask about the tricks of the prisoners. Zhinka followed him. The barn looked cluttered. All misplaced scattered remained unchanged. Osteroid Odnoglazovich was sitting in the middle of the trash: a pensioner, a labor veteran, a cattleman of the sixth category, born on the day of astronautics. The husband of Grandma Klawka, more precisely, Claudius Aldarovna von Schluchenberg, daughter of the Baron, illegitimate son of Lenin. She told everyone that. – What are you doing here? asked Ottil, an old man suffering from dystrophy. – I’m sitting. – Grandfather calmly answered and tightened the phone. – I see that you are not working. – And what are you asking then? – How did you get here? – added Isolda bass. – Go, I’ll figure it out. said Bedbug to his wife and turned to his grandfather. – Answer. – Out through the hole in the wall, Osteroid nodded his head. Ottila made his way through the trash to a hole in the wall and saw the back of a cow that lifted its tail. He looked up at her and was horrified: the roofs of the houses were visible. – Is there a street or something? he asked his grandfather. – Heh, of course. – And where is all my cattle? – The first thing that came to mind Klopu, who with lateral vision and ear sensory hairs looked around the barn from the inside. “Yes, take your ass off,” he cried out and pulled the cow’s tail. She, in revenge, poured him a stream, like from a fire hose, with a pressure of one hundred atmospheres. Ottila flew away from the pressure by two meters to the back and nape plunged into pig manure. Isolda ran to him to help by inertia and crouched leaned his head against her magnificent chest. And she wanted to sob… – Fu! – She squeamishly threw off her head back in the shit and with lateral vision she watched as the pressure of the machi pouring from the hole died down: “Muuuu!!!” – the cow growled, dartanula and took her back, waving her tail from the bzyk. and other insects. – Where is the key? – the grandfather asked and let out a ring of smoke. – What is the key? – Hebrew answered Bedbug, rising from dung shit. – My wife, whom you condemned into slavery!!! – Osteroid bellowed and leaning on his knees with his hands stood up. His face expressed death. – Isolde!! – What, honey? – Where did you see the cat? – There, the hole. She climbed out of here and moved? – fell into the color of Isold. – I wanted to scam her, looking, and she turned into a mummy and this grandfather-babai. – Where is my wife, fascist? – worried Osteroid. Where are these migrant workers? – asked Klop Wife. – I do not know? – shrugged Isolde. – Last night they were sitting in a threesome, here. – And then? – Ottila got up. – And you – sit down, now we’ll figure it out. – And then I went to bed. – Where did they go? The two are okay, but the Toad?! He is punished by arrest with forced labor. They escaped. The escape!!! Call Intsefalata, urgently. We have an escape. – And where is my wife? – Grandfather said in a trembling voice. – She did not come to practice forced labor. She will sit the same … – the Bedbug was furious. – Boss!!! Apchi, said the Intsephalopath, and appeared in a hole from the side of the street. – Oh, are you already here? – What are you yelling? – jumped out Bedbug. – Quick, praise. – Blablabla, apchi, patron, are you here? I thought you were in the house, so I shouted. – What for? – So, this, apchi, I brought… – Whom? “Chemist, apchi,” replied Intsephalopath, and instead of his mug, a redhead appeared in the hole, covered in acne and eels, a slanting, blue-red-eyed muzzle of a villager and immediately changed to Arutunov’s face. – Well, how? – asked the corporal. – What how? – Otila froze inquiring sour. – You, che, are you offering it to me? I’m married, please… – No, the cartridge, I detained him, apchi, – And the Incephalopath shoved the Chemist into the hole, – crawl, come on, thick asshole. – But he got stuck with the mentioned place in her. As they say: neither tudy nor syudy. That’s right, a half centner in the advertised place. So the ass did not enter. Acephalopath remained behind the wall, next to the chemist’s ass on the street. – What did he do? The same hemp rub? – No, worse. Mocking at home apchi, animals. – answered Harutun from behind the wall. – My cattle, what I want, then I create.., fu, I create. – sprinkling with elephants, with a chemist lisped. – And what did he do? – the grandfather intervened. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/pages/biblio_book/?art=49802613&lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. Безопасно оплатить книгу можно банковской картой Visa, MasterCard, Maestro, со счета мобильного телефона, с платежного терминала, в салоне МТС или Связной, через PayPal, WebMoney, Яндекс.Деньги, QIWI Кошелек, бонусными картами или другим удобным Вам способом.