Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence

Always in the Kitchen at Parties: Simple Tools for Instant Confidence Leil Lowndes The bestselling relationships author of How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You is back: Leil Lowdnes has written a lively and empowering book that will help anybody who lacks self-confidence or is held back by shyness. If you're the kind of person who wants to hide in the kitchen at parties, Leil will help you get out and mingle like a pro.Written with insight, humour and empathy, Leil Lowdnes reaches out to anybody who gets jumpy in social situations and offers clear guidance on becoming a social success in the most gruelling of situations. Even better, she’ll turn dread into enjoyment.Leil covers a wide range of scenarios including:• New Friend Fidgety – Uneasiness when meeting new people• Phone Phobia – Hesitant to answer or talk on the phone• Party Panic – Anxiety at gatherings• Job Jumpy – Fear of job interviews and shyness at work• Cold Sweat Stage Fright – Panic when people are watching• Presentation Paralyzed – Petrified at making a speech• Boss Bashful – Speechless around superiors copyright (#ulink_61c298ae-b80b-5eca-8f3d-9aa888839287) HarperElement An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF The website address is: www.harpercollins.co.uk (http://www.harpercollins.co.uk) and HarperElement are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd First published in the UK by HarperElement 2006 © Leil Lowndes 2005 A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library Leil Lowndes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books. Source ISBN 9780007199785 Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2015 ISBN: 9780008138400 Version: 2015-11-04 HarperCollinsPublishers has made every reasonable effort to ensure that any picture content and written content in this ebook has been included or removed in accordance with the contractual and technological constraints in operation at the time of publication. contents Cover (#u2fe60c52-a8f9-5996-99d3-e1856c0636e7) Title Page (#uaf856f5e-d52f-5fe5-a95f-2ff10bd061a8) Copyright (#ulink_cf986e56-922b-59e1-8dc9-afc474294b48) Preface (#ulink_587ba45a-fa22-5d12-9430-58dc57430c4a) Section I: A Word to the Shy … Don’t Be an Avoidance Junkie (#ulink_ccc0bb81-84f6-5d3c-b305-32f34814cc9a) SHYBUSTER 1 Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff (#ulink_93ec98ec-039e-5644-945f-4057fffc6e96) Don’t Expect a Miracle (Today at Least!) (#ulink_a4de39f4-cd08-59ae-8d54-45428c62697f) Welcome (#ulink_d160715f-1b95-5a95-9800-b53053b39f11) SHYBUSTER 2 Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace (#ulink_8fe868ca-2516-5093-bcb7-6f96ae023d99) The Confidence Warm-up (#ulink_8854b3f9-1e9b-5624-9437-985d8363518e) SHYBUSTER 3 Wake Up Like a Whacko (#ulink_4115d9a7-b25a-5b72-b6d0-7184cb451841) Section II: Why Am I Shy? Take the ‘Cot Test’ to See if You Were Born Shy (#ulink_c231ed8d-3f8e-5a54-88ff-bfaedfe42e5c) SHYBUSTER 4 Ask Them if You Freaked Out (#ulink_d975fd62-7194-56a3-867d-ede79647dd7c) Did I ‘Catch’ a Dose of Shyness? (#ulink_c49a9552-f5f1-50da-ac30-bb43b185f571) SHYBUSTER 5 Rummage Through Your Relatives (#ulink_bb7ed4f8-f48c-57a4-a920-976d114bbecd) SHYBUSTER 6 Did Shyness Rub Off On You? (#ulink_6c4a5242-f125-519a-9929-1066787ca30a) Was it Bullies in Bygone Days? (#ulink_6fcfd105-c1bc-5320-b2c4-9ba9edb9db1d) SHYBUSTER 7 Replay the Early Show (#ulink_e38af1e7-312f-51bb-9475-5d1595561cef) It Was All Mum and Dad’s Fault (#ulink_3e9e0f83-dca1-5729-b6fe-49a0dc294e30) SHYBUSTER 8 Don’t Baby Your Baby (#ulink_c6885542-1c2d-5a88-aefa-6855b648291a) So Who Ya Gonna Blame? (#ulink_b20b988b-89e0-5b7d-8f3b-b97c902ee192) Section III: Dealing with People Until Your Shyness Is Gone Should I Tell People I’m Shy? (#ulink_271bdfa0-08c9-5689-87e0-0d6092254e27) SHYBUSTER 9 Why Tell Strangers? (#ulink_2a218a96-de36-5a3c-b6da-88def103c6da) Labels Are Lethal (#ulink_20ab917f-58b4-5fce-aa40-0391d847d29f) SHYBUSTER 10 Don’t Burn Yourself with the ‘Shy’ Branding Iron (#ulink_1d34aaad-e5ff-560c-ad9e-02b724057b7f) Tell the Truth, the Half-truth, and Nothing But the Half-truth (#ulink_66aae2b7-bb8d-5ade-8a0a-f51945a19a1c) SHYBUSTER 11 I’m Shy, So What? (#litres_trial_promo) Section IV: What People Really Think of You Can People Tell I’m Shy? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 12 Be Shy on the Sly (#litres_trial_promo) Take Off Your Mud-coloured Spectacles (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 13 Pitch the Paranoia (#litres_trial_promo) Don’t Be a Sucker for Rejection (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 14 Don’t Choose Toxic Friends (#litres_trial_promo) Come Back Down Off the Ceiling (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 15 Stamp Out the Surreal (#litres_trial_promo) Think of Your Shyness from Their Perspective (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 16 Don’t Let Stupid Sures Make You Shy (#litres_trial_promo) Slay the Monster Memories (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 17 Be Your Own Social Scribe (#litres_trial_promo) I Think I’m Beginning to Love You, Self (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 18 Find Your Passion and Your Purpose (#litres_trial_promo) Section V: Getting Out of the Kitchen A Shy’s Most Important 10 Seconds (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 19 Click on ‘Animate’ for 10 Seconds (#litres_trial_promo) Who’s the Boss? Your Mind or Body? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 20 Let Your Body Be the Boss (#litres_trial_promo) How to Make Eye-contact Easy (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 21 Infant Eyes (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 22 Octogenarian Eyes (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 23 Eager Eyes (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 24 Say ‘I Like You’ Silently (#litres_trial_promo) A Quick Smile and a Slow Jet Get You Nowhere Fast (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 25 Make Faces at Yourself (#litres_trial_promo) For the Want of a Smile (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 26 A Lifetime of Happiness Was Lost (#litres_trial_promo) Snobs Don’t Smile Either (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 27 Don’t Let Them Feel Snubbed (#litres_trial_promo) If at First You Don’t Succeed, Swear! (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 28 Your First Failure Is Success (#litres_trial_promo) Battling Blushing, Sweating and Clammy Hands (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 29 Laugh It Off Before It Happens (#litres_trial_promo) Section VI: Absolutely No-Pain, Lots-of-Gain Techniques The Power and Pleasure of Anonymity (#litres_trial_promo) The Out-of-town Caper (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 30 Be Anonymous for a Day (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 31 Be an Undercover Shy (#litres_trial_promo) Dress as Your Fantasy Person (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 32 Kick Out the Dull Kit (#litres_trial_promo) Fries with That? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 33 Be a Part-time Job-hopper (#litres_trial_promo) Section VII: Get a (New) Life Something to Consider (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 34 Time to Jump Ship? (#litres_trial_promo) The Shy’s Sneaky Way to Get a Super Job (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 35 Interview with Companies You Don’t Want to Work For (#litres_trial_promo) Section VIII: Parties and Other Places in Hell Building Up to Bashes (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 36 Prescription: One Small Dose of Party (#litres_trial_promo) Going to a Party Is Not ‘Going to a Party’ (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 37 Have a Buddy Monitor You (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 38 Showing Up Is Not Enough (#litres_trial_promo) Preparing for a Party (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 39 Ponder Before the Party (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 40 Get Opinionated! (#litres_trial_promo) Getting Legless Is Not the Answer (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 41 Drink and Drugs Make Shyness Worse (#litres_trial_promo) How to Get Off the Hook (Half the Time) (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 42 Toss a Coin (#litres_trial_promo) The Danger of Being a ‘Denying Shy’ (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 43 Bring a Note from Your Subconscious (#litres_trial_promo) Section IX: Fearless Conversation Terrified of Being Trite? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 44 Be Banal, But Not Brief (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 45 Sound Dazzled Over the Dullest Things (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 46 Use Their Moniker in Moderation (#litres_trial_promo) What Do I Say Next? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 47 Ask ‘Go On’ Questions (#litres_trial_promo) The Proven Eye-contact Cure (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 48 The Eyeball Lock (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 49 Looking Longer Looks Smart (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 50 Lingering Looks Kindle ‘Chemistry’ (#litres_trial_promo) Chameleons Should Choose Their Colours Carefully (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 51 A Little Shove from a Non-Shy Friend (#litres_trial_promo) Become an Expert – on Anything! (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 52 Find Others Who Share Your Passion (#litres_trial_promo) How to Answer the Inevitable Question (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 53 Rehearse Your Mini-CV (#litres_trial_promo) Nobody Expects You to Perform (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 54 Look, Nod, Smile (#litres_trial_promo) Passion Slays Shyness (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 55 Stamp Out Shyness with Your Particular Passion (#litres_trial_promo) Section X: Sure-fire Extinguishers for Shyness A Dare a Day Drives Shyness Away (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 56 Do Your Daily Dare (#litres_trial_promo) Make Shopping a Valuable Part of SOS (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 57 Inspect Six, Buy One (#litres_trial_promo) A Little Help from Man’s Best Friend (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 58 Attention-getter on a Leash (#litres_trial_promo) Social Blooper Remedy (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 59 Make a Mental Movie of Your Cool Moves (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 60 What the Manners Mavens Say (#litres_trial_promo) Take a Bite Out of Shyness for Lunch (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 61 Eat Your Shyness (#litres_trial_promo) Download Confidence into Your Eardrums (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 62 Listen to the Voices in Your Head (#litres_trial_promo) Section XI: Sex and the Single Shy There Are No Love ‘Guarantees’ (#litres_trial_promo) A Dangerous Dating Game for Shys (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 63 Computer Dating Is a Sure’s Game (#litres_trial_promo) Oversexed or Underconfident? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 64 Don’t Get Caught in the Sex/Love Trap (#litres_trial_promo) Being Shy and Gay Is Lonely (#litres_trial_promo) Relationship Rehearsals (#litres_trial_promo) The Lovin’ Is Easy. It’s Getting There That’s Hard (#litres_trial_promo) Shall I Put on a Big Act? (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 65 Act Your Way to Confidence (#litres_trial_promo) Section XII: Shy No More Graduation Day (#litres_trial_promo) SHYBUSTER 66 Give Yourself a Graduation Party (#litres_trial_promo) Keep Reading (#litres_trial_promo) Notes (#litres_trial_promo) More Self-knowledge Questions (#litres_trial_promo) References (#litres_trial_promo) Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo) Other Books By (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) “ I used to be very shy. I couldn’t look people in the face and became red. I was embarrassed and used to sweat in front of others. Due to low self-esteem and ‘slow’ self-image, I used to feel inferior to others. But then one day I began to question things. I realized that nobody is better than me. Who told me I’m no good? I realized that the people who make me feel that way are not in that credible or successful a position themselves. So why would I believe what these people say about me? They were not qualified to make such comments.” TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA preface (#ulink_06f8d9c7-6c90-5896-b6e1-fd461769e6b9) Think back to your grandparents’ times, when ‘on-line dating’ was a twinkle in some yet-unborn techie’s eyes, and the words ‘pick up’ meant ‘get your socks off the floor.’ If Grandma was always in the kitchen at parties, and Grandpa hid out in the bedroom memorizing guests’ coat labels, you wouldn’t be here. Things haven’t changed much for those of us who are shy. Well-meaning friends and family still say, ‘C’mon, just force yourself to … go to the party/ask her for a date/talk to him/request a pay rise/join the conversation/speak up at the meeting …’ Don’t they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear you’ll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you don’t have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer, and if you could just make eye-contact, speak up and stop hiding out in the kitchen at parties, everything would be OK, and you could get on with your life. When I was a kid, I had all the usual questions, ‘Why is the sky blue?’ ‘Did Eve have a belly button?’ ‘What was the best thing before sliced bread?’ But ‘Why am I shy?’ wasn’t one of them. I didn’t care why. I just wanted a quick cure. However, as a recovered shy, I now realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, what to expect, and how to go about it. I’ve heard Shys speculate … ‘It must have been Mum and Dad’s fault.’ ‘Nah, it was those nasty kids in the neighbourhood who called me names.’ ‘I think it’s genetic.’ Actually it can be all of the above. You will discover there are several basic types of Shy. You are either a ‘Highly Sensitive Shy’ (HSS) who was born with a proclivity towards timidity, or a ‘Situational Shy’ whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you. You could be a little bit of both. Each must have different goals, and each can expect different, but remarkable, results. The 1940s gave us a gift which saved millions of lives. It is called penicillin. Recent years have given us a gift which can save millions the agony of shyness, which is often called ‘Social Anxiety Disorder’. It is not a drug, but it is a formula. It derives from studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology and pharmacology. It sounds complicated but I’ve distilled it down to 66 SHYBUSTERs to cure or curtail your shyness. I know first-hand how excruciating it is. I used to stand on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible. Well into my working years, my face turned into a radish whenever I talked to strangers. I wish I’d had this book then. I am gratified I can provide it for you now. A few notes before you start: First, read sequentially through the book so you will understand the significance of each SHYBUSTER. Then, depending on which are most challenging for you personally, you choose the order – easiest to most difficult of course. Each SHYBUSTER is substantiated by the findings of sociologists and both medical and mental health professionals. If you’d like more information you can go to the original sources, which are referenced in the back of the book. Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Zimbardo, Carducci, Kagan and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will find their names many times in the notes. The stories come from my own stinging shyness and those of Shys I’ve known. Others come from attendees at my shyness seminars. At first I felt inviting people to a ‘Shyness Seminar’ would be like telling participants at a ‘Fear of Tigers’ seminar to meet at the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come and they shared their experiences openly. I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters that readers of my other books and monthly E-Zine have sent me. At the end of the book there is a list of the first names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity – substitute names are marked with an asterisk. If you take time to practise each SHYBUSTER, you’ll soar away from shyness like a butterfly flees its caterpillar prison. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these SHYBUSTERs worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you! “ Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone else’s world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people don’t seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.” TONY V. – SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA section I (#ulink_6aea79d6-d3bc-56e7-a864-c6659be60785) don’t be an avoidance junkie (#ulink_f7c5469f-519a-5db4-8600-891cd3386a69) Hooked on ‘Hide and Seek’ Have you ever dodged anyone just to avoid making smalltalk? All Shys have. If I saw an acquaintance coming towards me, I’d cross the street and pray he or she didn’t see me. If there were a shop nearby, I’d dart into it until the coast was clear. Some people say they’ve had an epiphany at the top of a Himalayan mountain or in a temple in India. Mine was walking along the street. I was window-shopping one Saturday morning when I was a nursery school teacher in Washington DC. At one point I spotted a fellow teacher strolling towards me. Since I found Mr Fuller quite attractive, the thought of chatting with him was terrifying. In a panic, I dashed into the doorway of the shop I was passing. I thought I was safe until I heard his voice behind me, ‘Miss Lowndes, what are you doing here?’ I was trapped like a fly under a glass. I pivoted slowly to venture a weak ‘Hello’ and, as I was turning, I saw what kind of shop I’d taken refuge in. It was a triple-X-rated boutique of ‘adult toys’. When I finally mustered the courage to look at his face, Mr Fuller was sporting an enormous grin. He winked at me and said, ‘Was there anything in particular you were looking for, Miss Lowndes?’ I bolted past him out the door, dashed down the street, and dove into a ‘respectable’ shop to sidestep him. Needless to say, after that fiasco I never again made eye-contact with Mr Fuller. However, whenever we passed in the hall he’d say ‘Good morning, Miss Lowndes’ in a curiously salacious voice for a second-grade teacher. Hearing his snide voice filled me with fury, not against Mr Fuller, but against my shyness. I declared war on it and was determined to win. “ Whenever I avoided anyone on the street, it was a mental relief. I felt good because they didn’t see me. I said to myself, ‘OK, I won’t do it next time.’ But I always did.” AMANDA – LONDON, ENGLAND Getting ‘High’ on Avoidance When ‘Socially Avoidant’ people evade someone, it is more insidious than just a mental relief. It’s not ‘just mental’, any more than taking heroin is just mental. It’s physiological. You are actually getting a ‘high’ from the physical feeling, and it’s harder to resist the next time. For individuals with Socially Avoidant Personality, anxiety subsides following an avoidant response, thus reinforcing and escalating the avoidant response.1 SHYBUSTER 1: (#ulink_0a4ffd0a-07d9-58c4-84dc-6d8fa6e864eb) Go Cold Turkey on the Small Stuff (#ulink_0a4ffd0a-07d9-58c4-84dc-6d8fa6e864eb) Avoiding situations is an addictive drug. Right after, you get a mental high: Whew, I escaped that one! But it makes it all the harder because you crave that relief again and again. You dig a deeper rabbit hole that’s harder to scurry out of each time. And, like an addict, you start to hate yourself for being so weak. Start rehab now! Go cold turkey on dodging small encounters. “ Walking in the street and seeing someone approach from the front can be another terrifying experience. What helps is simply to greet the person in passing – a simple smile, nod of the head and a ‘Hi’ does wonders to break the awkwardness, and even builds a little confidence (‘Wow, I said “Hi” and nothing bad happened, and he/she actually smiled back!’).” KOOS Z. – PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA don’t expect a miracle (today at least!) (#ulink_702bf58b-7740-530e-a2b8-c0d4bd916362) TV Show: ‘Fearful People Are Freaks’ Once while channel-surfing I got caught up in an ugly wave. I fell into one of those television talk shows, or rather circuses, where people who suffer from an assortment of afflictions are on display. This particular programme prefers people plagued with mental and/or physical disorders. The heartless host feigns compassion. He has an insatiable appetite for bizarre family relationships, strange sexual tastes and other eccentric infirmities. While tearful guests bare their souls to millions of viewers, the studio audience hoots and hollers, egging them on to even more humiliation. ‘Ralph is afraid of peaches,’ the host gleefully announces. ‘Ooh,’ the audience chants. ‘He can’t come near them.’ ‘Ooh,’ the audience chants louder. Then, a basket of peaches appears on a big screen behind Ralph. The host points up at it. Ralph turns, swears (bleeped out), screams and jumps up. His 270 pounds of sheer terror races down the studio hall, followed, of course, by the camera crew. Hysterical laughter from the audience. Ralph, covered by three cameras, cowers in the corner backstage. At the host’s goading, the audience begins chanting, ‘Ralph come back. Ralph come back.’ Ralph, still shaking, staggers back on the set. The crowd applauds. While winking at the audience the host asks Ralph, ‘Why don’t you like peaches?’ ‘They’re fuzzy, they’re slimy.’ Then almost inaudibly, he mutters something about a girlfriend who had peach shampoo. At that moment, two voluptuous women bring in two big baskets of peaches. The audience’s gleeful crescendo is ‘Uh oh, he’s in big trouble now.’ At the sight of the peaches, the spectators are treated to a repeat performance from Ralph. This time he runs through the audience. They tackle him and succeed in pulling his pants down, which only adds to the ridiculousness of the spectacle. The camera catches the rear view of Ralph crawling away from the taunting audience, on all fours, his trousers around his knees. Ralph once again crouches in the foetal position in a corner of the studio wings. The host follows and sneers, ‘Do you know what you are now? A 6-foot tall, 270-pound man cowering in the corner?’ Mercifully for me, just then my phone rang. Phobia Coach Cures Acrophobia to Zoophobia. Success Guaranteed. Walk-ins Welcome When I came back 15 minutes later, Ralph was happily holding a ripe peach in his hands. With a big smile he brought it to his lips. The camera cuts to a self-described ‘phobia life coach’ and ‘therapist’ sitting paternally beside Ralph. He explains to a gullible audience that he cured Ralph by gradual exposure and he will never fear peaches again. The screen fades to black and advertises for a future guest: ‘Do you have a child under the age of 13 who weighs over 300 pounds and is constantly teased and tormented?’ Contact us at … welcome (#ulink_7968eb7c-57fd-5e9e-9cbb-882bf8b6c961) Right Idea, Wrong Timing Have you ever seen a nature film where a tiny flower bud grows taller in a few seconds? Two seconds later, it sprouts leaves. Another five seconds and exquisite petals open to receive the sunlight. The filming itself could have taken weeks. But we view the spectacle of nature in fewer than 30 seconds. If Ralph’s host were a horticulturist rather than an emcee of debauched demonstrations, he would try to convince us that the flower buds actually blossomed in seconds. For Ralph, it was the right idea, but the wrong timing. Gradually exposing someone to a feared object or situation definitely works – but not in an hour-long show. Mental health professionals call it ‘Graduated Exposure Therapy’. We’ll call it ‘GET’ for short. With successful exposure, social situations no longer cue danger-based interpretation and anxiety.1 Easy Does It Dr Bernardo Carducci, a highly respected therapist who has researched shyness for 25 years, tells of a patient called Margaret who was so petrified of spiders, she couldn’t walk anywhere except on a wide pavement. Her fear of spiders didn’t permit her to enter any building but her own home. The therapist treated Margaret with Graduated Exposure Therapy. First he asked Margaret simply to write the word ‘spider’ repeatedly. Her next task, probably weeks later, was to look at pictures of spiders in a book. It was a giant step, and probably a long time later, when she was able to view spider in a glass box across the room. Ever so gradually, Margaret could come closer to the little critter in the box. As her final victory, Margaret sat comfortably in a room with a spider crawling along the arm of her chair. But this was no hour-long TV show. By the end of the first hour, Margaret was still trying to hold her pen steady while she wrote the word ‘spider.’ Film coverage of Margaret’s phobia and eventual cure would have made a rather humdrum TV show lasting probably several months. But at least it would be real. Gradual exposure guides patients to confront feared situations and allows their fear to dissipate naturally. They interpret it accurately and gain essential skills. Patients gain a sense of safety through not prematurely escaping from, or avoiding social situations.3 Many Shys fail to shed their shyness because they think they have to force themselves to ‘just do it.’ They feel they need to accomplish the impossible, like winking at Mr Wonderful today or asking Ms Drop-Dead Gorgeous for a date tomorrow. Or swaggering into the boss’ office and demanding a pay rise. Therapists would call this technique ‘flooding’. But who wants to drown? Just dip your big toe in first and go for the proven cure: Graduated Exposure Therapy. “ Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.” MARK TWAIN SHYBUSTER 2: (#ulink_884bf373-7c62-5b33-abf4-186dea596c67) Eat the Peaches at Your Own Pace (#ulink_884bf373-7c62-5b33-abf4-186dea596c67) Your cure may be faster or slower than Margaret’s. You won’t have to sit down and write the word ‘party’ 100 times. Nor will I ask you to strut into a big bash tomorrow night. You will go at your own pace. But at least you know you’re not swallowing snake-oil. The Magic Combo to Kill Shyness Some Shys think that gradually exposing themselves to scary situations isn’t really the way to get over shyness. It’s only natural to rationalize your way out of something you don’t want to do. But it’s an open and shut case. Hundreds, no, thousands of studies have proven it. The most effective way to get over being shy is to plan personalized exposure situations. Always in the Kitchen at Parties will help you do this. Using these exposure techniques while learning social skills is the magic combo for stamping out shyness. Social Anxiety Disorder subjects receiving combination treatment of graduated exposure to fear-provoking situations and learning other-focused social skills improved significantly more on measures of community functioning and therapist ratings than did subjects with any other treatments.2 I’m sure many people have told you, ‘You’ll just grow out of it’. Are they right? Think about it this way. Simply by living on this earth, you are exposed to more and more situations as the years go by. And, naturally, you pick up social skills along the way. So, in a way they are right. But who wants to wait years to shed their shyness? Jump in now. With the help of Always in the Kitchen at Parties, you can start your graduated exposure process immediately. You’ll knock years off your suffering. the confidence warm-up (#ulink_e34ffd56-45db-5f7a-85b2-951cdde55be3) The Energy Crisis Researchers at the American Sociological Association scratched their scholarly heads and posed themselves a question: ‘What type of personality are people most drawn to?’ They got on the case and quickly found the answer: Someone who is energetic and optimistic. Unfortunately these are not the qualities which immediately come to mind when you think of a Shy. In fact, one of the major obvious differences between a Shy and a Sure is energy level. Here is a way to rev up your engine so no one would ever suspect you’re a Shy. First, Become Unglued Can you imagine a premiership footballer running onto the pitch without warming up? He’d get slaughtered in the first 10 minutes. Without warming up, a ballerina would hobble home on a toe splint. And a singer, without warming up, would bust a vocal cord. Why should a Shy try to be any different? You need to warm up for confidence. Let’s take an average day: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. You get dressed. You eat breakfast. You walk out the door. Now a neighbour spots you. You utter a soft ‘Hello’ and quickly avert your eyes. ‘Hmm,’ she thinks, ‘If she looks like a Shy, sounds like a Shy and acts like a Shy, she must be shy.’ Now let’s change that scenario: You wake up. You clean your teeth. You shower. But this time you only don your pants. Now you look furtively round your bedroom and lock the door. You close the window and draw the curtains so the neighbours can’t hear or see you. Of course, you’ve already taken precautions. If you live with people, perhaps your spouse, your flat-mate or kids, you’ve explained your bizarre behaviour. And don’t forget to familiarize the dog with this daily ritual so it doesn’t attack. Now … SHYBUSTER 3: (#ulink_decc78aa-373a-5caf-b3e6-038c5bfac9b1) Wake Up Like a Whacko (#ulink_decc78aa-373a-5caf-b3e6-038c5bfac9b1) Run around the room in your underwear and flap your arms like a demented duck. Shout like a crazed football fan. Jump up and down like a rabbit on speed. Laugh like a lunatic. Whirl around like a tornado. Fall back on the bed, kick your legs high in the air and shout at the top of your lungs ‘Hoo ha, Hoo ha, Hoo ha. I’m making a fool of myself. And nobody cares!’ Ahem. Now stand up. Regain your poise. Smooth down your rumpled pants. Finish dressing. Comb your hair. Have a bite of breakfast. Kiss your spouse, kids or the dog goodbye. Now go out the door and greet the world with energy. Oh, there’s that nosy neighbour. Since your body, face and voice are warmed up and full of energy, it now feels natural to wave, smile and give a hearty ‘Hello there.’ ‘Hmm,’ she thinks, ‘If she looks like a Sure, sounds like a Sure, and acts like a Sure, she must be sure of herself.’ You think I’m kidding about this exercise? Absolutely not! Exploding your energy sky-high in the morning, then letting it settle slightly, works a lot better than trying to haul it up out of a hole. Naked Dancing When you get really good at the above, start your day by dancing naked in front of the mirror. Then try to act shy! section II (#ulink_fd41abc7-972f-5150-945a-36656ca0817d) take the ‘cot test’ to see if you were born shy (#ulink_3dbbb39e-018e-57d5-933f-e3fe54f9d087) When the Doctor Spanked You Did You Take It Personally? Before continuing, you should know the origins of your individual case of shyness so you’ll know the best way to overcome it. Are Shys born shy? Yes, some are. Some 20 to 30 per cent of babies are born with a brain chemistry which makes them more apt to become shy. But genes are not your destiny. Nor is there a ‘shy gene’. Scientists haven’t looked into a microscope and said, ‘Ah ha, there’s the little blighter, the shy gene.’ If you were a sensitive baby (more prone to shyness), it will have shown up early. While you were busy discovering your toes and howling for your bottle, Mum and Dad could have figured out if you were the type of newborn that the shyness bug likes to feast on. Soon after they’d carried their little bundle of joy (that’s you) home, you could have had the ‘cot test’ which replicates that of Philip Zimbardo, the Stanford professor who is considered by many to be the world’s leading shyness researcher. Here is all Mum and Dad would have needed. One: A weird toy – maybe a creepy black rubber spider. Two: Something stinky (no, not your own full nappy. That was an everyday fragrance for you). Three: the postman, a next door neighbour, or anyone else you had never met. First step: Dangle the hideous toy above you. Watch your reaction. Second Step: Wave the stinky stuff under your tiny nose. Watch your reaction. Third step: Tell the stranger to say ‘Koochie koo.’ Watch your reaction. Zimbardo and Jerome Kagan, a Harvard professor and leading shyness researcher, brought 400 one-month-old infants into their laboratory. They put a creepy toy in the infant’s cots, gave each a whiff of alcohol, and played a recording of a stranger’s voice for them. Almost a third of the babies freaked out, howling and flailing their tiny arms and legs. After their traumatic incident, they clung to a parent tightly. These are the babies who could become ‘Highly Sensitive Shys’ or ‘HSS’. In contrast, approximately two-thirds of the infants took it in their stride. They simply shoved the ghastly toy and stinky stuff away and smiled at the sound of the stranger’s voice. The researchers’ hypothesis was proven: Approximately one-third of babies’ body chemistry makes them extra sensitive to unfamiliar events and people, and therefore more susceptible to becoming shy. 3 “ As a baby, our daughter was so sensitive she couldn’t stand being held by anybody but Mommy or Daddy (and sometimes even Daddy was not on her accepted list). It was a very trying time. She may have been colicky to start with, but as she grew older this sensitivity grew into what many might call ‘shy’, characterized by avoiding people’s eyes when she first met them, not talking to them and hanging behind Mom and Dad’s legs rather than socializing with people. ” STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC4 Four Years Later For Zimbardo and Kagan, however, the experiment was far from over. Four years after the first observation, they brought their 400 little subjects back into the lab. Sure enough, most of the tots who had tested as highly sensitive showed incipient signs of shyness. The relentless researchers continued tracking the tykes’ progress and determined that about half of those highly sensitive babies grew into being timid teens. Parents, if your child seems extra-sensitive, start using SHYBUSTER 8 Don’t Baby Your Baby (see here) immediately to curtail his or her possible shyness. SHYBUSTER 4: (#ulink_a921a0a7-4c91-5a19-b741-2929425c315e) Ask Them if You Freaked Out (#ulink_a921a0a7-4c91-5a19-b741-2929425c315e) If your parents are still alive, ask them about your ‘cot behaviour’. Were you timid about your new environment? Or were you one of the calmer, ‘Sure it’s stinky and disgusting, but it’s no big deal’ babies? Having been a highly sensitive baby does NOT mean you can’t cure your shyness. But knowing what type of Shy you are helps you select a slightly different path and more realistic goal. Today you essentially have the same nature you did when you were the little cot-crawler. Highly sensitive babies were overwhelmed by their little environment. Likewise, some highly sensitive adults are also overwhelmed by theirs – crowds, noises, bright lights. “ My daughter is what her psychologist calls ‘slow-to-warm’. She comes off shy until she knows someone, but eventually settles in and opens up, so people think she is just shy. It actually runs much deeper. It has to do with everything in her life. If she isn’t familiar with a situation, she has a significant amount of anxiety, even over the littlest of things. For example, she’s in year 4 grade and her class was taking a trip to our state capital. She’s been in this school with these kids since she was five, and has even shown her horse in Lansing a number of times, but she had never been to the state capital and didn’t know what to expect. The night before the trip, she couldn’t sleep, was nauseous, etc.” STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC Many of us listen to outrageous radio and television personalities. We elect outgoing politicians, we listen to extreme rock bands, adore scantily-clad sexy show-off girls. We flock in droves to the cinema to see bigger-than-life movie stars – and then stay up half the night to see them again on the Oscars. The highly sensitive person can feel like something’s wrong with them because they’re not a ‘look at me’ type. If you are a HSS, your brain functions differently from an extrovert’s. It takes you longer to process information. You think more deeply. You try to listen carefully and usually speak more slowly. A number of Highly Sensitive Shys prefer country living rather than a big city of racing ambulances and deafening discos. Does Being an Introvert Mean Being Shy? Definitely not. Unfortunately, however, our Western world does not recognize or reward introvert qualities as much it does extrovert. Because this can make introverts question themselves, there is a high crossover between introverts and Shys. Unfortunately, Shys often think they are not as smart or talented as the Sures. Stop! Wrong way! Go back! Countless studies have blasted the myth about shyness indicating stupidity. In many cases, it’s just the opposite. The majority of gifted children (60%) are introverts. In studies of intelligence, the higher the IQ, the higher the percentage number of introverts. A greater number of National Merit Scholars are introverted and they get higher grades in Ivy League colleges. 5 What this says to a HSS is: Value your God-given qualities and don’t let anyone make you feel inferior because you don’t like to sit around with the gang and chew the fat, or leap into conversations before you’ve thought things through. Even extremely confident highly sensitive people need a little longer to process their thoughts. So give deserved worth to your inner world, and become comfortable with your quieter qualities. Wanted: Thinker, Artist, Philosopher – Must Be Shy HSSs usually are people of high integrity and compassion. They are not usually conspicuous leaders of crowds, but they are leaders by example: thinkers; advisors; healers. They are very fair and have many other qualities that make a positive impact on society. Recently, an extremely successful yet soft spoken woman named Cheryl engaged me to do a speech in Phoenix, Arizona. While driving to the convention hall, I told her I was writing a book on shyness. A few weeks later, she sent me this e-mail: “ Leil, our conversation struck a familiar chord with me. I have struggled with ‘shyness’ all of my life, feeling like I’m marching to a different drummer than most of the world. I couldn’t understand why many of my schoolmates and co-workers enjoyed talking with lots of people and spending large amounts of time visiting. I preferred just one or two close friends, more intimate settings, and deeper conversation. I couldn’t figure out why I would rather remain in the background and think about a topic before speaking, while others would vocalize their thoughts without restraint. I couldn’t fathom how people who became my closest and dearest friends would later tell me that they thought I was ‘cold’ or ‘aloof’ upon first impression – but realized I was ‘anything but’ after they got to know me. I was very intelligent, always an honours student, and later an excellent businessperson. I truly liked people. But I couldn’t seem to get the hang of the whole socializing bit. I wondered if something was ‘wrong’ with me.” CHERYL – PHOENIX, ARIZONA Cheryl’s message continues with her self-discovery, her conclusions, and how she has come to lead a successful and joyful life within the framework of her more sensitive nature. It is very poignant but, due to its length, you will find the continuation of Cheryl’s letter in the notes (see here (#litres_trial_promo)). did I ‘catch’ a dose of shyness? (#ulink_424374b1-9a02-5503-bf8a-f3b530c7711a) Shake Your Family Tree for Signs of Shyness Can you inherit shyness? Again, the reliable and revered researchers have ascertained the precise and unassailable answer to this question: ‘Some do. Some don’t.’ I don’t mean to be sarcastic. Like inheriting long legs or brown eyes, it’s a role of the dice whether you inherit shyness or not. However, a study called Childhood Shyness and Maternal Social Phobia found that children who had shy mothers are eight times more likely to be shy themselves. Twenty per cent of Shys have first-degree relatives with a phobia. SHYBUSTER 5: (#ulink_a6647cb9-77fa-591c-8b44-6edc5d0e85d5) Rummage Through Your Relatives (#ulink_a6647cb9-77fa-591c-8b44-6edc5d0e85d5) Having a shy relative is another possible ingredient in your particular shyness recipe. If you are interested in doing some detective work, ask your whole family – even your third cousin twice removed – if he or she had a great-aunt or -uncle whose parents were shy. Every relative counts! If you’ve dug through your genealogy with a fine-tooth hacksaw and there are no suspects, there is yet another possibility. Is Shyness a Communicable Disease? You can’t ‘catch’ a case of shyness. However, if your guardians, even if they weren’t your parents, were shy, there is a greater chance you will be too, because we tend to imitate the people we are around, especially parental types! “ My wife and I adopted a son who seems to have a very outgoing personality. I am scared to death that unless I change the way I am, he will lose that part of him. I would love to be an outgoing role model for him.” SHELLEY – NEWCASTLE, ENGLAND A child hardly ever recognizes that a parent is shy. It’s only these many years later that I realize that my mother was. One Thanksgiving when I was about 14, we were visiting a slew of relatives we hadn’t seen in a long time. Aunt Lucy was jabbering away. Uncle Charley had a turkey hat on his head (and, I now suspect, a few drinks under his belt). My other relatives were chattering simultaneously. And there was Mama, sitting as quiet as a clam, hands folded. And I, like a little clamlet, sat silently beside her. Parents, you are a role model for your kids. If you are shy, make an extra effort to whoop it up in front of your progeny. They will enjoy seeing you have fun and will follow your lead. “ I never had any friends because we lived out in the country on a farm and there weren’t many other kids who were my age around. The mothers of the other kids arranged a lot of times when they all got together to play. But my mother never did. When I got older, my Dad told me she was shy. Looking back, I wonder if the reasons I didn’t have many friends is because she was too shy, and wonder if that’s the reason she didn’t call the other parents.” DINA – LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA SHYBUSTER 6: (#ulink_42f7e969-2e89-57fc-bfde-8a622d22c6b7) Did Shyness Rub Off On You? (#ulink_42f7e969-2e89-57fc-bfde-8a622d22c6b7) If you’re being a shyness-sleuth, look for clues that your parents or guardians were shy. You could even ask some of their friends. was it bullies in bygone days? (#ulink_8331b310-51ab-5a2c-afad-857e48ec0cd9) Those Nasty Kids in the Neighbourhood No worries about money. No worries about the job. No worries about love or sex. Wouldn’t it be great to be a kid again? Definitely not. Being a shy kid is worse than an adult who has no job, no money, and… Well, no job and no money. Let’s say you have conducted your research and find you are not a HSS. In fact your relatives say you were a confident little hellraiser as a toddler and young child. You would have grabbed that ghastly rubber spider and hurled it back at them. And say you’ve also shaken your family tree and found no shy suspects among your ancestors. Is there another way the shy bug can find and gnaw away at you? Yes. I know because it took a big bite out of me. A Raspberry to Remember Time: Third grade Place: Maths lesson Cast: My classmates and me The most difficult part of my school day was maths. Not because the numbers were mind-boggling. Not because I hated my teacher. But because of my acute shy-attacks. The teacher often gave us an exercise and then left the room for a few minutes. With furrowed brows, the girls would finish the exercise. Then they would start clucking like a bunch of baby chickens until the teacher returned. But I, the shy ostrich, buried my head in my books and pretended to be still working. One unforgettable day the teacher gave us an exercise and then, as usual, left the room. During those silent working minutes, I felt the urgent need to pass wind (commonly known then as ‘giving a raspberry’). I felt the wind flooding through me and I knew I would be unable to halt its escape. Thanks to our Maker, I managed to let the air out silently and slowly. It sailed away and, with a sigh of relief, I went back to tackling my assignment. Fewer than 30 seconds later, one of the girls, Sonia, imitated a Japanese voice: ‘Ah zoh,’ she said, ‘I smell raspberries.’ Laughter from all. ‘I wonder where it’s coming from?’ another girl chirped. More uproarious laughter. ‘Let’s find out!’ Sonia pronounced. Then the nightmare began. Like an Easter egg hunt, Sonia began the festive search for the source of the scent. Starting at the other side of the room, she crawled up and down each row dramatically sniffing everybody – much to the hilarity of all the confident girls who knew they were not culpable. When she got to my row, I got hysterical. I grabbed my books and bolted out, tears streaming down my face. Racing down the hall, I heard a cruel chorus behind me chanting ‘It was Leilie. It was Leilie. It was Leilie.’ Looking back, that was the pivotal point when my shyness went from bad to excruciating. Fifty eight per cent of Shys can recall a traumatic social experience near the onset of their symptoms.1 Forty four percent remember one intense episode, which they felt started it.2 Most little kids really don’t mean to be cruel but, without thinking, they can be vicious. The Journal of Clinical Psychology cites a study called ‘Peer Rejection in Early Elementary Grades’ confirming the harmful effects of these early episodes. One single experience doesn’t make a kid shy if he or she is not sensitive to start with. But it sure doesn’t help! Even if Shys don’t have one early horror story that they can point to, how well they feel accepted in school is crucial. It becomes a template for their expectations in later years. SHYBUSTER 7: (#ulink_8865e8d9-4222-56ff-9925-149becb5d8b5) Replay the Early Show (#ulink_8865e8d9-4222-56ff-9925-149becb5d8b5) Thoughtless youngsters can really mess up a sensitive little kid’s head. If you’re one of the 58 per cent of Shys who can remember one specific childhood experience, run it through your mind. Inevitably you will come to the conclusion that it was the other kids’ cruelty, not your conduct that was at fault. Contemplate it until you are convinced. It helps clear the path to confidence. “ Before I started school, therefore before I was even five years old, I had to go to hospital for what probably was only three or four days, but my memory is that it was an eternity. I was in a children’s ward. I had the bed in the corner. I was the only boy in the ward and all the others were girls. But I would have been too young to understand gender difference. I would not talk to anyone. Some of the other children were quite loud and extroverted, they clowned around a lot. Particularly the girl in the bed in the opposite corner. I often cried. She would be the one to notice, and loudly make fun of it to all the others. I would roll over face-down and pretend to be asleep. I was too shy to ask where the toilets were, so at least daily I would wet the bed. The nurses got increasingly angry that I kept doing this and yelled at me in front of the girls.” NATHAN – GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN it was all mum and dad’s fault (#ulink_ed03fee2-9207-5152-b39d-f9dfb7ab394e) Dahling, My Shrink Said … Forty years ago in America, it was chic to have a psychiatrist. Anybody who was anybody (or who thought they were) decorated their conversation with, ‘Well my shrink said …’ Often the end of their sentence was, ‘It was all my parents’ fault.’ Whether psychologists actually did accuse parents or not, it was the common cop-out for any shortcomings. People paid dearly for this excuse. To the point: Was it your parents’ ‘fault’ that you became shy? Again, the revered and reliable researchers who have dedicated their lives to exploring the roots and results of shyness have come up with the answer: ‘For some it was, for some it wasn’t.’ Overprotected children do, however, run a higher risk. A study called ‘Development of Anxiety: the Role of Control in the Early Environment’ found … Parents who exert maximal control over a child’s activities and decisions can negatively influence the child’s sense of being able to control his or her own environment.1 I wish two of my long-time friends had known this. Steve and Lydia are a wonderful couple who have only one son. After he was born, Lydia wasn’t able to have any more children, so little Lenny became obsessively precious to them. If three-month-old Lenny started crying while I was visiting, Lydia would hop to her feet and sprint to the nursery. Sounds of her baby-talk would waft into the living room: ‘Ooh, that’s my iddy biddy baby. What was my widdle Lenny crying about? Did some big black bear come to bite my widdle baby? Awww, Mommy’s here now. Everything is going to be all wight.’ Frankly, I found it disgusting. That doesn’t mean if I had a kid, I’d lock him in the nursery and let him scream like a sick coyote. But I certainly wouldn’t come running every time he hiccoughed. When Lenny got old enough, Steve, Lydia and I would occasionally go to a restaurant. Sure enough, little Lenny would be in tow. Except Lenny wasn’t so ‘widdle’ anymore. He was eight years old and, since he was the centre of their attention, adult conversation was futile. Whenever the little prince burped, there was a duet of ‘Oh, Lenny. Are you OK?’ ‘Did the nasty Coca Cola make you burp?’ One evening, panicking because little Lenny burped three times in a row, Lydia said to Steve, ‘Let’s order him some orange juice.’ Upon hearing this, Lenny crossed his arms and announced ‘I hate orange juice.’ ‘Well, darling, you drank it at Aunt Susan’s last week,’ Lydia said. Louder than before, ‘I hate orange juice.’ I was about to gag. I decided that, as much as I liked Steve and Lydia, that was my last dinner with them unless they left their ‘little darling’ at home. ‘Don’t you think Lenny would enjoy eating at home next time?’ I asked. ‘I know a wonderful babysitter who cooks, too. My treat.’ ‘I hate baby sitters!’ shouted the little brat. (Can you sense I was getting a tad emotional about this?) Lydia leaned over and whispered, ‘Lenny doesn’t like baby-sitters.’ ‘I sort of picked that up,’ I said. ‘What other drinks can I have?’ Lenny interrupted. This was war. I looked right at Lenny and said, ‘Lenny, why don’t you ask the waitress?’ Lydia and Steve just laughed and called the waitress over. Lenny looked at his mother and loudly declared, ‘I want a root beer.’ Lydia then turned to the waitress. ‘He’d like a root beer.’ ‘The waitress isn’t hard of hearing,’ I mumbled. Where’s Lenny Now? We saw each other a few times more in the following year and, of course, the little prince always presided. The following summer my friends moved to Virginia because, they told me, ‘Lenny would be in a better school system.’ I didn’t see Steve and Lydia for 10 years, but recently I was giving a speech in nearby Washington, DC and called them. We decided on a restaurant and, for the first time, no Lenny! When I asked after him Steve and Lydia looked at each other painfully. Lydia said, ‘He didn’t want to come.’ Hallelujah! ‘Oh, that’s too bad,’ I said. Steve and Lydia spent the next hour lamenting that the reason was he was ‘uncomfortable around people’. He had no friends. He wouldn’t go to parties. At 18, he’d never had a date. He was shy and felt the other kids didn’t like him. ‘So we home schooled him.’ I had to bite my tongue. It was obvious. By doing everything for Lenny and indulging his every whim, they’d kept him from ever developing the social skills or the courage to do things on his own. Tell Your Kids to Go Play in Traffic A slight exaggeration, of course. However, parents, do give your kids progressively more complicated challenges. Say you and your six-year-old are at a restaurant. And little Billy is served a jacket potato with butter and cheese on it. But, alas, little Billy doesn’t like butter on his potato. He wants a new potato with just cheese. ‘Mummy, I want just cheese. Tell her to take it back.’ Mum, your ideal response would be, ‘Billy, why don’t you tell her yourself? I’ll call her over for you, but you must tell her.’ Little by little, give your kids increasingly bigger challenges. Mums, Don’t Kiss It Better Dads, congratulations. You are actually a better influence on your kids’ shyness than your wife. Why? Because if another kid bullies your son and he comes home with a scratched knee, you are more apt to say, ‘Get out there and tell him he can’t treat you like that.’ Mothers, on the other hand, have been heard to say, ‘Aww, honey. Let me kiss it better.’ In one study, fathers were so brusque about pushing their kids to stick up for themselves that even the researchers were shocked. But they had to admit it worked. By pushing the child to change, thus appearing insensitive and intrusive, fathers may have influenced their sons to become less inhibited.2 This definitely does not mean to ignore them. Parents who have a strong bond with their children (love, open communication, dependability) and low control (encouraging them to do things on their own) are the most likely to have confident children. SHYBUSTER 8: (#ulink_17c472cb-0cfc-57ef-8f5e-0a4bd986537e) Don’t Baby Your Baby (#ulink_17c472cb-0cfc-57ef-8f5e-0a4bd986537e) Mums and Dads, this one’s for you. I know it’s because you love them, but do NOT do everything for your kids. Love them lots. Encourage open communication. Let them know they can depend on you. But progressively encourage them to do more and more on their own. “ My mother and I were very close, maybe because my father died when I was two and I am an only child. I don’t know when it began, but I know by the time I got to primary school I realized that my mother was much more protective of me than the other kids’ mothers. I wasn’t even allowed to cross the street alone to play with the other kids. It didn’t bother me that much because she would take me to the movies a lot and we’d go away together on every holiday. I liked that because I didn’t have to be around other kids who would tease me. I think they thought I was a snob because I didn’t play with them. I was so shy in secondary school, especially around boys, that my mother put me in a small private tutoring school where we had only five or six people to a class. I’m 34 now and still live with my mother. I’ve hardly ever dated because I get so nervous around men that, the few times I have been asked out, I’ve said no. I realize I have to change but it’s hard to break old patterns and thought habits.” SHANNON – LIMERICK, IRELAND so who ya gonna blame? (#ulink_d71f2cbd-4322-5852-a398-7927b423d512) Most of us don’t blame anybody. We’re too busy trying to get over shyness. But there are some Shys who get angry and blame others for their condition. For them, I quote a great actress and, I’ve now discovered, a great philosopher, who fought a lifelong battle with shyness: “ We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers – you can blame anyone, but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you want to change, you’re the one who has got to change. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it?” KATHARINE HEPBURN Yes, Katharine, it is as simple as that. But getting over shyness isn’t. You can’t just snap your fingers and instantly sound smart, suave, scintillating and not shy. It’s like learning to ski. You need to practise each move before you can make all the right ones without having to give them a second thought. section III (#ulink_bf71ef86-03f0-58a3-9d75-c245470f7f4a) should I tell people I’m shy? (#ulink_526ef74d-41bc-5d54-bb2e-a47e9048ed88) Using the ‘S’ Word It happens to all of us. Some well-meaning friend or family member blithely suggests, ‘Well, why don’t you just tell people you’re shy? Then you’ll feel more comfortable with them.’ So you consider it. You run and run a couple of scenarios through your mind: If I tell them, what do I expect them to say? ‘Oh you poor dear, you’re shy? I understand what an awful feeling that must be. Well, I certainly want to become your friend and help you to get over it.’ Don’t think so. If I share my secret with a potential romantic partner, will he or she say, ‘Oh, that’s wonderful. I find shy people sooo sexy. Let’s go out on a date and you can tell me all about it.’ Not likely. So, for the moment, you decide not to tell. Wise choice! I know from experience you will hear, ‘Oh, not you! You’ve got to be kidding. You’re not shy. I mean you’re so nice, so friendly,’ yada yada yada. Let me interject an important note here. If, by chance, you are working with a therapist who encourages you to reveal your shyness, follow that counsel. Whatever your counsellor advises overrides any suggestion in this book. Each Shy is different and treatments vary. “ I am teaching my way through graduate school. And on the surface I guess I don’t seem shy but my timidity is so painful that in order to not have to speak to familiar faces I will walk around, act occupied or just sit and listen (never putting in my opinion) to a conversation. Sometimes I tell people I’m shy and they just laugh. They don’t believe me. They don’t know how much I’m suffering inside.” ANGELA – HOPE, ARKANSAS In high school, my mother was anxious about my sagging self-esteem and lack of friends. One Sunday evening after dinner, Mama suggested we talk about my shyness. ‘Some other time, Mama.’ ‘Now!’ Mama suggested I tell the girls I was shy. ‘What, tell them?’ That was like telling a boxer to lean right into the punch. The funny thing is, in a boxing match that works. But telling people I was shy would have had me down for the count. ‘Promise me you will Leilie?’ ‘Mama, I can’t.’ She looked disappointed. ‘I promise, Mama.’ That night I lay awake mopping tears out of my ears, and planning when to divulge my disgraceful secret. That time came much too soon. PE was just before lunch. Now or never. I entered the changing rooms early on what I now think of as D-Day (for ‘Divulge Day’). Miss Popularity herself was already there. While getting into our shorts and T-shirts, Penelope started playing her favourite sport, small-talk, my weakest game. The ‘Big Confession’ ‘Well, Leilie, did you enjoy the weekend?’ My mind went into immediate selfconscious overdrive. Should I tell her the truth, that I just hung around the house all by myself? Or should I fake an upbeat, ‘Oh I had a fabulous time.’ No, that’s not a good strategy because she might counter with asking me what I did. By now the unspoken time-limit for a response, any response, was up. I returned her serve with an unskilled, ‘Uh, yeah.’ Sure enough, then came the grand slam. ‘What did you do?’ Now I faced sure defeat. It was a choice of fibbing or ‘fessing up’ as Mama said. Courageously, I chose the later. I looked down at my feet and blurted out, ‘I’m shy.’ Penelope seemed surprised and volleyed back the expected: ‘What? Not you. You’re not shy. You’re kidding! I mean, you have no trouble talking to me … Uh, well, see you later,’ she said, scurrying off to class. I wondered if I’d done the right thing. I got my answer 24 hours later almost to the minute. The girls were opening their lockers and chatting like magpies when I arrived. ‘Hi Leilie,’ one shouted across the locker room. ‘I hear you’re shy. Is that true?’ Her comment was a cannonball in my stomach. As I was reeling from that one, another blasted me, ‘What have you got to be shy about?’ Babbling about being nauseous, I dashed out of the locker room, up the stairs, and into an empty classroom. I missed lunch that day but I didn’t care. I couldn’t have eaten it anyway. In retrospect, I realize that the locker room gang didn’t intend to be cruel. In fact, they were probably trying to make me feel at ease. But like most people they were unskilled at dealing with someone shy. Besides, strangers and slight acquaintances don’t care that you’re shy. SHYBUSTER 9: (#ulink_13af7799-dda5-5f28-854c-70b10455ce71) Why Tell Strangers? (#ulink_13af7799-dda5-5f28-854c-70b10455ce71) Unless you’ve been advised otherwise by a responsible mental health professional, there is no advantage to telling people that you’re shy. Save the revelation for people who are important to you, your parents or close pals. (There are a few exceptions and we’ll explore those later.) labels are lethal (#ulink_73b5d9c5-d108-516d-8750-73b7e0fee4d1) You wouldn’t hang a heavy sign round your neck with ‘I Am Shy’ scrawled on it. Revealing it to too many people, however, can often be just as much of an albatross. Besides, labelling yourself ‘shy’ is inaccurate. You are a complex mixture of an immeasurable number of qualities. To choose just one puts unnecessary emphasis on it. Calling yourself shy could be a perilous self-fulfilling prophesy. When you tell people you’re shy, you are not just telling others. You are telling yourself as well. And that’s the person who really counts. “ Our daughter was on track to becoming terminally shy. One day after someone called her ‘shy’ I had a ‘Eureka!’ moment. I wondered if part of the reason why shy children become shy is that grown-ups call them shy when they exhibit shy behaviour around them. We see this all the time – ‘Oh, aren’t you the shy one?’ or ‘She’s so shy, isn’t she?’ right in front of them as if they weren’t there. When powerful people like grown-ups label us as shy, maybe we end up believing them and begin to self-label ourselves, developing that tendency most of us have to be a little reticent in the outside world into a fully-fledged personality habit called shyness. Right then and there I talked to my wife and suggested that we never use the ‘S’ word to describe our daughter again, either in front of her or to other people. I also asked all our family members and friends not to describe her as ‘shy’, even if it was true at that time. Hopefully, if we didn’t put a name to it, the shyness phase would pass. It has definitely helped. While she’s not the most outgoing kid in year 7, she is perfectly happy telling kids and adults stories and jokes, and has developed a fundamental self-confidence that is definitely not shyness. Kids are listening all the time, aren’t they, so we better be careful with what we say around them!” STEVE – VANCOUVER, BC1 When a Label Stopped the Music for Me I don’t think I was destined to be a singing diva. However, someone slapped a label across my lips when I was in the seventh grade. Nary a note came out of my mouth again – at least not an on-key one. In 7th grade I sang in the church choir. One afternoon during a rocky rehearsal, the choirmaster turned his stern face directly towards me. ‘Someone is off-key. I want that someone to just mouth the words.’ There was no mistake who that off-key someone was. And from that day on, I sang like a crow with a cold. I still just mouth the words to ‘Happy Birthday.’ A few years ago I was listening to the radio with an old classmate who knew I was severely musically challenged. They were playing the top 40 songs that were popular when I was in sixth grade. Just for fun I started warbling along with the radio. When I’d finished, my friend said, ‘Leil, that’s perfect!’ ‘Perfect what?’ ‘Perfect pitch.’ ‘Couldn’t be.’ ‘Was!’ ‘Couldn’t be!’ ‘Was.’ Tentatively I tried a few more songs from those years. We were both staggered because I was right on key. But, here’s the mind-boggler: I could not sing even one song that came after that fateful ‘Someone is off-key’ day. The choir master labelled me tone deaf. Therefore I was tone deaf. A self-fulfilling prophesy. SHYBUSTER 10: (#ulink_25855783-a5ec-587f-ae99-ebf179b1532a) Don’t Burn Yourself with the ‘Shy’ Branding Iron (#ulink_25855783-a5ec-587f-ae99-ebf179b1532a) Do not succumb to that deadly virus called ‘self-fulfilling prophecy’. Just like the American Association of People with Disabilities wisely says, ‘Someone in a wheelchair is not ‘‘handicapped’’ or ‘‘disabled’’.’ They are just like able-bodied people. They simply carry one more piece of baggage. And you simply carry a surplus bag called ‘shyness’. Fortunately for you, you’ll soon be able to leave that unwanted baggage behind. tell the truth, the half-truth, and nothing but the half-truth (#ulink_feb7512b-dd6a-550e-822c-38e2e01cb444) How to Get Out of a Situation You’re Not Ready for – Yet! Suppose a friend asks you to call 20 people and tell them of the upcoming World Cup Party. But you’re still too shy to talk to 20 strangers. Is it better to ‘confess’ that you’re shy? Or should you find another excuse for wriggling out of their request? Actually, neither. Take the middle road and half-tell them by alluding to your shyness in a lighthearted fashion. This way you don’t make them the least bit uncomfortable, yet they get the point. Go ahead and use the ‘S’ word, but just in passing. Say something like, ‘Well, a shy guy like me couldn’t talk to 20 people in one day.’ Or, ‘If you were as shy as I am, you’d rather die than make 20 calls.’ Some Savvy Shys Prefer to Laugh and ‘Warn’ People If this is your choice, do it in a manner that won’t make either you or them uncomfortable. Say you’re shy – but with a big smile and a ‘So what’s the big deal?’ attitude. Divulge it with lightheartedness like you’re saying, ‘I feel fantastic today.’ People listen to your tone of voice and body language much more than your words. But you knew that already. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/leil-lowndes/always-in-the-kitchen-at-parties-simple-tools-for-instant-con/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. 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