Boundaries: Step Two: The Workplace

Boundaries: Step Two: The Workplace Jennie Miller Victoria Lambert Do you often feel you can’t say no?Are you spread too thin between your relationships and your responsibilities? Is there never time to do the things that really matter to you?There is a solution to this very modern chaos: boundaries. It’s undeniable that setting clear boundaries in our relationships and families, our home and our workplace would improve life for everyone in this fast-moving world. But where do you start?Boundaries offers hands-on practical exercises, case studies and lessons on personal boundaries, families and the real shape of healthy relationships and friendships. It gives you the perfect tools to develop good habits in all areas of your life: from sleep and eating to dating and social media use.Dive into this groundbreaking four part programme and you will begin to develop the right personal boundaries to find a life that nourishes and fulfils you, and hands control of your life back to you — once and for all.This part will teach you how to navigate the workplace and manage your relationships with those within it. It will cover:- Employment Tribes- The Workplace Culture- Office Romances- The Family CEO- The Winner’s TriangleThese books can be read individually or as a series in any order.Jennie Miller MSc is a Transactional Analysis psychotherapist, trainer and relationship expert with 20 years’ experience. Victoria Lambert is an award-winning journalist on health and wellbeing issues. Boundaries Step Two: The Workplace Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018 Copyright © Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert 2018 Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Ebook Edition © January 2019 ISBN: 9780008324698 Version: 2018-11-26 CONTENTS Cover (#u7f98f41d-fc5b-5863-bc38-589b07ef130c) Title Page (#u09ec3283-328d-56f8-b5e0-5391a9d9168c) Copyright (#u2eabd836-0f49-5ab8-9ac6-ea2eeabe212c) An Introduction to Boundaries (#ulink_e97fd621-485a-5a50-985e-f34b9d2c4a69) STEP TWO: THE WORKPLACE (#ulink_afaec0be-d304-5eb0-a9a5-f9060645174f) Building on your new skills, you will learn to navigate the workplace and those within it. Employment Tribes (#ulink_e404682e-7986-5fc7-a46a-a3cca3f3ca25) The Workplace Culture (#litres_trial_promo) Office Romances (#litres_trial_promo) The Family CEO (#litres_trial_promo) The Winner’s Triangle (#litres_trial_promo) APPENDIX 1 (#litres_trial_promo) Transactional Analysis: An Overview (#litres_trial_promo) APPENDIX 2: (#litres_trial_promo) Strokes (#litres_trial_promo) Acknowledgements (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) An Introduction to Boundaries (#ulink_16261d27-85d5-51ed-bd3d-11c89b604142) Do you often feel you can’t say no? Do you feel spread too thinly between work, emotional relationships and family, and your responsibilities and chores? Perhaps you feel overloaded with to-do lists, promises to friends, financial obligations, or that intangible pressure to succeed in everything you do all at the same time. You may feel frustrated that there is never any time to do those things that really matter to you – whether it is to write a book, spend unpressured time with your loved ones, or just be alone guilt-free. With demands coming from all sides, it is surprisingly easy these days to get buffeted along without ever really feeling in control. Yet, there is an alternative to living in this twenty-first-century chaos – a way of reframing your own attitude and behaviour so that you can take charge of your life and not allow others undue influence or control. A process which will enable you to improve your quality of life (at work, home and play); to build self-respect; and to lead to a healthier way of being on all levels. The solution to all this is: boundaries. A complete concept that will allow you to reach past any obstacle and make real change happen in every area of your life. What are boundaries? In short, these are the decisions we make which govern our own behaviour and the way we interact with others. A sort of personal code which may change with time and circumstance. We’ll explain the concept of boundaries in more depth in the next section but for now hold in mind that a boundary is where you choose to draw a line in the sand in any scenario. Why do they matter? Because we can’t just follow patterns of behaviour that worked for previous generations as life on this planet has changed beyond recognition in the past thirty years. We are now a 24/7 culture, invisibly connected from our homes to the entire world. We live in the fast lane, yet few of us have developed strategies to cope with the new problems that have arisen as a result. These issues include burgeoning social media, high-speed and high-turnover lovers, growing workloads in the face of new technology, constantly conflicting opinions on diet and health, and a culture of perfectionism in parenting and relationships. There are familiar problems too which many of us still struggle with: the impact of divorce, personality clashes, the stresses of being caught in the generation gap and career dilemmas. But there is no doubt that the arrival of the Internet, consumer society, medical advances that are giving us decades of extra life and career expectations have changed life as older generations knew it beyond belief. The way we humans interact with each other has also undergone fundamental shifts, and we believe the way to regain our own equilibrium is to re-examine our lives and behaviour and use fresh boundaries in response to these new dilemmas. With that in mind, we have devised a Four-Step Programme to teach the use of boundaries in everyday life, beginning with ourselves, and then exploring how the system works in situations related to every aspect of our lives: ourselves, our work life, our relationships and our family. We advise you to follow the Programme in the order set out in the book, although some may find particular sections are more resonant or urgent in their circumstances. Everyone, though, will benefit by starting with a closer look at themselves – and what we call our ‘self-boundaries’. What do we mean by that? Self-boundaries are the demarcations which define our behaviour, thoughts and feelings. They are that inner voice which says to us: ‘Go this far but no further.’ When used correctly, they help us modify our behaviour or relationships so that we feel or consider ourselves safe. And we need to get into the habit of caring for our ‘selves’ before we can build the healthy relationships with others that will see us thrive. Each section of the book will contain exercises and sections called Bring in the Boundaries which contain practical tips on identifying and using boundaries, and offer anonymised case histories from Jennie’s clinical practice to exemplify what you need to know. These examples help us to understand how boundaries work in specific circumstances, from dating to divorce, interacting with elderly parents to raising teenagers and managing a team to working for a fractious boss. (The situations chosen have been picked deliberately because in Jennie’s experience they’re the ones most people need help addressing and have the highest impact on lives.) Look out, too, for ‘Draw the Line’ moments – thoughts and phrases which will support and inspire you as you progress through the book. There is no timescale for this book because we all work at our own pace, so don’t feel you have to achieve this new state of being overnight. The first step towards a healthy you may well be in accepting that you can’t change your life instantly. But as you read this you are already starting on that journey. What are Boundaries? Like many psychotherapists and proponents of healthy living, Jennie believes that learning to establish good boundaries is crucial to forming and keeping healthy relationships, with yourself and others. And you may well have heard the term ‘boundaries’ used out loud already – even if you don’t really know what it means – phrases like ‘I need to establish good boundaries for my child around bedtime’ or someone telling you that ‘your work–life balance needs some boundaries.’ But the need to understand and utilise boundaries has never been more acute, and existing advice doesn’t cover many of the situations we now accept and deal with every day. For example, our fast-paced lives require us to make more decisions than in the past, often quickly – yet with potentially serious consequences. The challenges to our boundaries are more complex and demanding, and we all need new strategies on how to live life as healthily as possible. The effect of technology on our boundaries is particularly important when it comes to conversations and relationships. These used to be straightforward but now are more difficult because of the lack of face-to-face contact. Situations can easily be misread, moods can be misinterpreted and remarks can be misconstrued when you remove the physical presence of human contact. The 24/7 culture of e-mails and the Internet means we can never switch off. We are no longer able to pull up the mental drawbridge – we are always vulnerable to what feels like outside pressures and invasions. Some of this attention is not unwelcome, we encourage it ourselves. But that doesn’t mean our boundaries are healthy; it may mean we don’t recognise what can hurt us. The inspiration for this book came about through a conversation we shared on the subject of e-mail communication. In a steamy coffee shop full of post-school run parents and busy workers grabbing a latte to go, we found ourselves catching up on life, work, family and friends. During our chat, Victoria mentioned a familiar dilemma she was struggling with – she had been asked to help with a function which she had neither the time, energy, or the desire to do. However, she felt a strong pull to be useful and the resulting emotion was guilt. Jennie identified her problem as being a lack of boundaries and explained the concepts that underpin them (as we will explore in this book). Victoria went home inspired and wrote an e-mail explaining to a colleague why she couldn’t help at the function. She wrote: ‘I am so sorry to say that I feel I cannot help with your plans towards putting on this event. I am really busy with work and childcare at the moment, so am finding it hard to make time. Obviously, I will still do what I can to be useful, and don’t forget to ask me to invite those people we mentioned, but I think that will have to be my input for now. Do call if I can do anything else.’ Then she thought again about Jennie’s explanation of boundaries, and realised she wasn’t being honest. Moreover, she was soft-soaping her decision because she felt guilty – which was confusing the issue, not clarifying it. Several long phone calls with Jennie followed as Victoria was feeling uncomfortable and anxious about the potential response. Jennie encouraged her to be brave and brief. This was her second draft (with self-boundary): ‘I won’t be available to help with your event. I know it will be a huge success, and wish you well.’ And the response to that second e-mail: ‘Fair enough. Thank you for letting me know. Do come if you can.’ What Victoria found was that waiting for a response to a boundaried e-mail can feel nail-biting. However, as can be seen from the reply, others usually respond surprisingly well to a clear and no-nonsense message. Think back to the last time you received a clear, concise e-mail. Wasn’t it refreshing and easier to engage with? You need to know that your boundaries are in your control. You have the ability to decide when and how to draw the line in your life. This will be one of the most empowering lessons you ever learn. How to Picture a Boundary Depending on your personality and outlook, you may think of a boundary as an encircling brick wall or perhaps a fresh-looking picket fence with a gate always propped open, but we’d like to invite you to also think of your personal boundary in quite a different way. Consider human skin. It’s dense enough to protect and contain us, but flexible enough to allow for movement. Skin is porous in the upper layers so what’s necessary can pass through – sweat can be excreted and sunshine absorbed to help us make vitamin D. Skin is also sufficiently tough to withstand accidental damage, and it’s capable of amazing re-growth. As with skin, we can feel discomfort – even temporary pain at times – when boundaries get damaged either internally or from the outside when we don’t take care. Yet, again like our skin, boundaries are amazing because they can grow with us. Why have we chosen to use skin as a metaphor? Because skin keeps us in contact with others – it’s not a brick wall or other type of opaque barrier. Studies show that skin-to-skin contact is actually vital for humans. Think of the studies which have shown that ‘kangaroo care’ – the nestling of a naked newborn on its parents’ bare chests – improves outcomes in premature baby care. And equally our skin can act as an early warning system for our entire bodies. Think of how your skin prickles when another person gets too close – it’s a very physical sensation. Now, let’s look at your own personal boundaries. EXERCISE: Your Personal Boundary You will need another person to do this exercise with you. This other should be a friend or colleague but not someone with whom you are very close. We understand this may not feel easy, and you would be more comfortable with someone more familiar to you. But in close relationships, boundaries will be well established. We need you to step outside your comfort zone in order to experience a fresh boundary. Begin by standing facing each other a comfortable distance apart – this might be four foot away from each other, or more or less. You are going to stay on your spot. Notice the distance that feels comfortable. Now ask your exercise partner to step closer. They are now in charge of their movements and are gradually going to take one step at a time towards you, pausing for 30 seconds between each step. In that pause, consider how comfortable you feel. As they come closer, note when you start to feel some level of discomfort. And when do you notice you are really not happy, and that your skin is starting to throw up a few goosebumps? When do you want to scream ‘stop’ – because your personal space now feels properly invaded? At that point ask your partner to step back. So, what just happened? This is your body unconsciously registering where it feels most comfortable in relation to another person. This is your discernible physical boundary. Bear this in mind as you read through the book – who oversteps this boundary and who stays too far away? We suggest you have a notebook to hand while you go through the book so you can write down your experience of exercises like this and ideas that you want to make a note of so you can build up your own Learning Journal as you work through the book. Part of understanding how to use boundaries is learning to look at interpersonal relationships and your own part in them. Then, deciding where and how to establish a boundary doesn’t just get easier, it becomes self-evident. The exercise above is your first step towards this. Developing confidence in your own decision-making and its effect on your behaviour will make you happier as it means you are properly owning and taking care of yourself. In our experience: boundaries can give peace of mind. Boundaries give freedom. Boundaries are bliss. STEP TWO: THE WORKPLACE ‘I put my heart and soul into my work, and lost my mind in the process.’ VINCENT VAN GOGH We’ve all heard of the concept of work-life balance, but how many of us practice it? It’s too easy to work just a little longer to impress the boss, on the one hand; or to take an extra 20 minutes in the pub at lunchtime when you no longer care to impress anyone – on the other. Thanks to technology, work has become even more consuming than it ever was. The reality of modern life also interferes with the best-laid plans – as our mobile devices have become ubiquitous, intrusive and often can seem impossible to escape. Would van Gogh have created so many of his 2,000-odd paintings, sketches and drawings had he also been checking his FB page several times each day? It’s a sobering thought. So, establishing boundaries around your work will help you achieve balance on a practical level, improving your relations with colleagues and the boss, supporting you through workplace issues like bullying and romantic entanglements and making work life more pleasant overall. This section of the book applies regardless of whether you are employer, employee, freelancer, consultant, charity worker, stay-at-home mum (it’s definitely a full-time job), or intern. We’ll still be asking you to complete exercises – remember, there are no right or wrong answers – and keep adding notes to build your Learning Journal. We talked about social media in Step One: Me, Myself and I (http://ads.harpercollins.com/bobauk?isbn=9780008324681), and we’ve built on that with advice concerning all forms of mobile distraction, engagement and temptation. But we’re also interested in exploring those other intangible boundaries that dictate how we relate to our colleagues, bosses and employees, as these relationships are some of the most intense and therefore time-consuming that we have during our lives. For example, it can be easy to believe that work relationships are crucial to our happiness – how often do you hear people refer to my ‘work husband’ or ‘work wife’? Indeed, a 2006 survey quoted by CNN Money found that 32 per cent of office workers said they have an office ‘spouse,’ with many having more than one. But that perceived importance is not necessarily based in reality. Their value often lies more in how they affect our outside relationships and the way we treat ourselves. In the UK, we typically spend 40.8 hours a week at work, compared to a European average of 38.1 hours according to the European Foundation for the Improvement of Living and Working Conditions. If this time is full of tension and conflict on an interpersonal level, let alone tiring and stressful physically, we’re setting ourselves up for misery. Employment Tribes (#ulink_2f6b6018-c86a-5eae-910e-10b0118ddc51) Learning to understand your colleagues and improve your work relationships is a vital first step towards improving your working life. We’ve identified five key workplace roles to help you to understand how often boundaries are breached and broken all day every day, and to teach you how to deal with different types of colleagues as well as your own behaviour. As you read through the characters, note down in your Learning Journal where you recognise yourself or someone you know from your workplace. Be aware – workers may well fit into one or more set of characteristics; indeed you may move from one set to another yourself. The A-Lister Always anxious about their health, the ‘A-Lister’ (where A stands for Ailment) is either off work with ‘another virus’ regularly, or can be seen seeking sympathy in the office by bringing symptoms into the workplace or constantly discussing them. Not necessarily hypochondriac, the A-Lister’s concerns may be quite real. This behaviour is essentially Child-like and pushes others’ self-boundaries by demanding sympathy, attention and perhaps support with the workload or a difficult boss. Think of the Drama Triangle – this character is in the Victim position, wanting to be Rescued, but of course also inviting Persecution. Reactions can range from ‘Poor you’ (Rescuer) to ‘Not again’ (Persecutor). BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES: Your A-Lister Plan If this is you … Ask yourself a few questions: • Can you remember when you first started to feel constantly unwell – that sense of picking up every bug going around? • Does this chime with starting your current job or a recent career move? • Perhaps it coincides with a change in work location or management? The tangible symptoms of illness (however mild) can actually be a sign that you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and the only way to get support is to be ill. This would be particularly true if you are in a workplace you find toxic (either as a Victim being Rescued or Persecuted). Draw the Line:workplaces can become toxic. Don’t let them poison your thinking. Perhaps changing jobs or work locations is not an option, so think what can be done to make working life more pleasant. Can you see where you need to put better boundaries in place? Ask yourself the following questions and note down the answers in your Learning Journal: • When you are at work, do you take on more than your colleagues? Do you work through your lunch hours? Do you balance work with good self-care? • Are you in a job you think you should be doing, not the one you wanted to do? • Could you build up your skill set to help facilitate a change when the time is right? Might those skills relate to something you always wanted to do? • What was your dream job growing up? If your answer is ‘I wanted to be a ballerina’ – that might seem impossible now, but it’s not too late to bring dance and creativity in some way back into your life. For frustrated landscape gardeners, are you missing the opportunity to do something practical, get your hands dirty and connect with nature? If this is your colleague … Examine the boundaries of your relationship with them. Think about what you are experiencing. Do you feel drawn continually to help? Do you stand up for them when other people are complaining, or do you give them the cold shoulder, irritated by their constant whining? If you’ve identified that you are a Rescuer (meaning you feel drawn to help them), you will need to redraw the boundary and evaluate your own self-care. Have you been staying longer to help the other catch up – so they don’t get in trouble with the boss? Have you been stuck by the kettle for hours as they offload their symptoms? Notice this will all be having an impact on your own work and life. Draw the Line:when we Rescue there is always a cost to ourselves (this may emerge in the short or long term). Start with your self-boundary. Only offer help at a level that will not deplete your own resources or affect your own wellbeing. Perhaps it is time to talk to your colleague, to express your feelings and explain your own position and limitations. You may be experiencing this colleague as leaning too far in and beginning to be uncomfortable. Areas that need to be addressed are your need for some space, your own workload which may be building up, your understanding of their distress and your own limits of what you can do about that. It is important to bring yourself back into the picture; this relationship is not one-sided. So you might say: ‘I know you are having a tough time but I am getting anxious about my own workload. I need some headspace to focus on that.’ Perhaps you are finding the current situation so frustrating, you have turned your flexible self-boundary into a solid brick wall. But it’s not healthy to be walled in as your bottled-up resentment will become toxic to you. To establish a better boundary, work to engage more consciously and with empathy both for the colleague and for yourself. Can you think back to a time when work was not smooth sailing for you? An alternative scenario might be an A-Lister turning to a colleague who moves across the Drama Triangle from Rescuer to Persecutor. They don’t offer hot lemon drinks and comforting words, but are quick to tell the Victim to ‘buck up’. Persecutors need to be aware of how much time they may spend in that relationship with an A-Lister. Even though they may not be voicing their frustration, a lot can be going on in their head, which could then come out at home after work when they offload to their partner. They will be more engaged with their A-Lister colleague than they believe (and possibly contributing to the unhappiness). Being empathetic, but taking a step back, will assist you in moving out of a Persecutor or Rescuer role. So, what sort of thing could you say to an A-Lister who is driving you mad? You could ask them: ‘What is it you need from me?’ This is inviting an open dialogue, rather than allowing yourself to have demands put upon you and instinctively wanting to push back. The A-Lister may not be able to respond immediately because you are asking them to think, not just feel. If this is the case, ask them to think about the question and what they would like from you, and give them some space to do that. When they come back you can then talk about what you are able to do. CASE HISTORY Property solicitor Carmen had been seeing Jennie about her divorce, but one morning spent the whole session complaining bitterly about a ‘moaning’ colleague, Alex, who was always too ill to do her fair share of the larger, more complex cases their business depended on. Carmen reflected how she had been initially sympathetic towards her colleague, but had become frustrated with the constant absences and lacklustre approach to detail. Carmen remembered the Drama Triangle and realised that when she was in her marriage, she had fallen into the position of Victim feeling persecuted by her ex-husband. To her surprise, Carmen realised she was now beginning to have Persecutor thoughts about Alex and wanted to address this. She was able to realise she had initially Rescued Alex – taking on the more difficult, time-consuming cases while dispensing advice and sympathy – but that had then progressed to her feeling angry, resentful and finally moving to full Persecutor mode. Carmen told Jennie she regretted moving from Rescuer (which felt nicer) to Persecutor (which reminded her of her ex-husband), but Jennie explained that neither position was superior as both reinforce the other person’s Victim status. Carmen chose to deal with her situation by asking Alex what she really needed help with. Her fellow solicitor went away to think about it and came back asking if she could officially reduce her working hours and be given less complex work as she found it too taxing. This opened up a dialogue about what could be done at work more generally, including Alex finding others in the organisation to give her support. Carmen could then decide for herself how involved she wanted to be. 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