The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right

The Complete Book of Rules: Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right Ellen Fein Sherrie Schneider Infamous, controversial and (more importantly) proven to be successful, The Complete Book of Rules is the full, uncensored guide to finding, getting and keeping your dream man.Brought together in a single book for the first time, this volume contains very best advice from both The Rules and The Rules 2: the bestselling books that formed a global phenomenon and revolutionised dating practices around the world.The Complete Book of Rules is the ultimate guide to successful dating, written for women refuse to settle for anything other than the best in life – women like you.The straight-talking, no-nonsense advice and the practical tips in this handbook are as successful as they are controversial. They have changed the lives of women across the world. Now you can be one of them.You’ll be amazed at how effective simple techniques can be – such as:• Don’t call him – he’ll want you more• Always end the date first – he’ll feel desperate for more contact• Never accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday – he’ll call you sooner• End the telephone conversation first – he’ll call you back• Don’t rush into sex – let his passion build, and it’ll last longer.With Rules to cover every situation, from online dating to how to turn a friend into a boyfriend, The Complete Book of Rules is the savvy woman’s dating companion that will last a lifetime. The Complete Book of Rules TIME-TESTED SECRETS FOR CAPTURING THE HEART OF MR RIGHT Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider Contents Cover (#uc7523482-b5ee-527e-ae86-f5b20a241e6a) Title Page (#u385a0797-e3d0-5061-b0ce-8b19faaf45d3) Introduction: The Rules Phenomenon (#u55dacaa6-ac0a-5c4b-92ea-b994a2500ef1) 1 The History of The Rules (#u5970a674-b7be-5643-a7e7-c2e55bcb8bf8) 2 What Are The Rules? (#ub40d1cb6-5788-5205-82bf-a6394645a8aa) 3 Meet a Rules Girl (#u74ffa839-2c14-560d-9087-788785a7117d) 4 But First the Product – You! (#u62424daa-f14c-5efa-97df-e63b0c63be8e) 5 The Rules … (#ua7709a0a-faf6-584d-911d-f7c253c8ef7c) Rule 1 Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’ Rule 2 Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance) (#ulink_0a17ba68-e120-53ed-88f4-13f8269b1248) Rule 3 Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much (#ulink_e3f36980-fa0b-548a-9412-9f2ce6da4ccf) Rule 4 Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date (#ulink_7670d146-9484-5c9a-93e3-4e4c6ae2eb9b) Rule 5 Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls (#ulink_96881e0e-53e4-50d2-bfa6-d838e2f6a83d) Rule 6 Always End Phone Calls First (#ulink_6475fa44-3ded-53ac-a3a4-2fb063e9d75f) Rule 7 If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period! (#ulink_474770f3-254b-5ea7-82c1-194613e4de81) Rule 8 Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday (#ulink_d7b79da9-c81b-5e0c-a5de-bcc8c956a102) Rule 9 Fill Up Your Time before the Date (#ulink_9c743db4-ef35-5327-9263-5a3ba9f9fe3d) Rule 10 How to Act on Dates 1, 2 and 3 (#ulink_cad82c23-b9f8-5504-b7f8-c2b57232c10a) Rule 11 How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time (#ulink_68c5a50b-7e01-50eb-ae20-b5b592b1f88d) Rule 12 Always End the Date First (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 13 Show Up Even If You Don’t Feel Like It (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 14 Long-Distance Relationships. Part I: How They Should Start (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 15 Long Distance Relationships. Part II: Making It Work (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 16 Stop Dating Him If He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift For Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 17 Don’t Go Overboard and Other Rules for Giving To Men (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 18 Don’t See Him More Than Once or Twice a Week (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 19 No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 20 Don’t Rush Into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 21 Don’t Tell Him What To Do (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 22 Let Him Take The Lead (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 23 Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 24 Don’t Open Up Too Fast (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 25 Be Honest But Mysterious (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 26 Don’t Live With a Man (or Leave Your Things in His House) (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 27 Observe His Behaviour on the Holidays (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 28 Rules for Personal Ads and Dating Services (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 29 Rules for On-line Dating (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 30 Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 31 Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in School (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 32 Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 33 Don’t Stand by His Desk and Other Rules for the Office Romance (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 34 Don’t Be a Groupie and Other Rules for Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 35 Rules for Turning a Friend Into a Boyfriend (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 36 Second Chances – Rules for Getting Back an Ex (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 37 Don’t Date a Married Man (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 38 Don’t Be a Rebound Girl and Other Rules for Dating a Man Who is Separated (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 39 Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 40 Starting Over – Rules for the Mature Woman (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 41 Practise, Practise, Practise! (or, Getting Good at The Rules) (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 42 Buyer Beware (Weeding Out Mr Wrong)! (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 43 Closing The Deal (Getting Him to the Altar) (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 44 Even if You’re Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 45 Rules for the Bedroom (When You’re Married) (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 46 Rules for Same-Sex Relationships (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 47 Next! And Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 48 Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 49 Keep Doing The Rules Even When Things Are Slow (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 50 Don’t Break The Rules (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 51 Don’t Worry, Even Men Like The Rules (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 52 Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After! (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 53 Love Only Those Who Love You (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 54 Be Easy to Live With (#litres_trial_promo) Rule 55 Rules for Girlfriends, Bosses/Co-workers and Children (#litres_trial_promo) 6 Success Stories: Women Who Followed The Rules and Changed Their Lives! (#litres_trial_promo) 7 Answers to Frequently Asked Questions About The Rules (#litres_trial_promo) 8 Last But Not Least 32 Extra Hints (#litres_trial_promo) Copyright (#litres_trial_promo) About the Publisher (#litres_trial_promo) Introduction The Rules Phenomenon (#ulink_ef2f25a5-a293-5316-8504-fc35b711c3d0) Seven years ago, when we set out to write The Rules, we knew that we had an important message to share. We believed in The Rules. We had seen them work time and time again in our own lives, in our close circle of girlfriends and an ever-widening circle of friends and acquaintances, as well as co-workers and relatives. When our phones began ringing off the hook with dating questions and (eventually) success stories, we knew we had to write The Rules in book form to make it available to all women. Lo and behold, The Rules became not just a best-selling book, but a phenomenon, revolutionizing dating practices around the world. In fact, The Rules became so popular that it achieved a kind of pop culture status. It was spoofed on Saturday Night Live (‘Get the ring!’), used as the plot for several TV sitcoms and also inspired a number of parody books including Breaking the Rules (‘Stare straight at men and talk incessantly’) and Rules for Cats (‘Don’t accept a trip to the vet after Wednesday’). Suddenly, The Rules was everywhere! A financial publication ran an article on the rules for investing (‘Don’t buy on Friday if your broker calls after Wednesday’) and a political columnist wrote that one presidential candidate might have won the election if he had just tried to be a ‘creature unlike any other’. Why all the fuss? Why all the interest in The Rules when there are dozens of other dating books on the market? Why has The Rules become such a phenomenon? The answer is simple: The Rules work! Unlike other dating books that are therapeutic and theoretical – that sound good, that give warm n fuzzy, meaningless and misleading advice such as be your self, don’t play games, tell a man how you feel, but don’t work in real life – The Rules tells the truth about dating and helps you get Mr Right! The Rules take the analysis and angst out of dating. It’s simple. If he calls you, he likes you. If he doesn’t, Next! What does be yourself mean if that’s calling a man three times a day or staying on the phone for three hours? Why would anyone want to read a dating book that didn’t help you get the man you want to marry you? Many people ask how we wrote a best-seller. To be honest, we were not trying to. We wrote The Rules to help women date with self-esteem and get married. Period. While we are naturally thrilled by the success of the book, what’s been even more rewarding is seeing how women of all ages and all walks of life use The Rules to love themselves and marry Mr Right. After three decades of haphazard dating – Dutch treat, sex on the first date and living together – these women are delighted that such a dating book exists. ‘I wish I had known about The Rules ten years ago,’ is the most frequent comment we hear. ‘The Rules should be given out to all women at birth,’ wrote another Rules fan. The book hit a chord not only with single women in their twenties, thirties and forties, but with mothers and grandmothers. ‘She won’t listen to me, maybe she’ll listen to you,’ wrote one mum. Another mum told us she gave the book to her daughter and her daughter’s friends. While many readers thanked us for the general guidelines provided in The Rules, just as many wrote and called asking for more specific answers to dating situations and problems – for example, rules for long-distance relationships, rules for getting back an ex-boyfriend, rules for dating a celebrity, rules for dating a co-worker, rules for turning a male friend into a boyfriend, rules for dating services and on-line dating, among many other topics. So in 1997 we wrote The Rules II to answer all these questions – and to clarify any confusion you might have about rules in the first book, such as, ‘How will he know the real me if I do The Rules?’ and ‘Can I ever call a man?’ Of course, as popular as The Rules have become, it has also been the subject of controversy – mostly by the media and the authors of other dating books, not by women who simply want advice about men. They just want to get married! The Rules have been criticized for being old-fashioned and antifeminist, and for encouraging women to play games and get married at any cost (‘get the ring’). We would like to examine these criticisms one by one and explain why they are unfounded. Old fashioned? Not really. While The Rules may sound like something your mother may have told you about, times and circumstances have completely changed. Women today need The Rules – not because pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous, or for any of the reasons your mother may have told you. No, The Rules tell us not to pursue men for one simple reason. It doesn’t work. Fifty years ago, women didn’t call men or live with men before marriage because it was considered socially unacceptable. Fifty years ago, they didn’t even need to think about ‘ending the date first’. Their fathers ended it for them by requiring them to be home at a certain time, much like their great-grandfathers put an end to dates by holding up a shotgun on the front porch! In addition, back then, women often had to get married in order to move out of their parents’ home. Women were financially dependent on men and once married they became full-time wives and mothers who, for the most part, did not pursue careers. Compare that to women today. Many are financially self-sufficient. They can afford their own homes, cars, holidays, wardrobes and creature comforts. They can even have or adopt and support a child on their own. They no longer need men to get away from their parents or to lead good or interesting lives. But the truth is they want men in their lives – as partners/friends, lovers, husbands/fathers. They can function without men, but they yearn for marriage and children and/or fulfilling relationships. Who or what can women turn to for dating advice? They may or may not be able to relate to their mothers. Besides, some mothers, trying to be hip and modern or desperate for their daughters to get married and produce a grandchild, will give them bad advice and tell them to call men and pay their own way. (‘Don’t be so picky,’ they tell them.) Their female friends, conditioned by the social mores of today and with well-meaning intentions, may say ‘Oh, call him if you like him! What have you got to lose?’ If he turns them down, ‘So, what?’ they say. Well we say: 1 Maybe if you don’t call him, he’ll build up a real desire and call you! 2 A man who is receptive to your advances (without making any of his own) may date or even marry you at your suggestion, but down the road he’ll be bored and ambivalent toward you. Women have turned to The Rules because it’s the only advice they can count on that works. They’re not retro, they’re fabulous! Antifeminist? No, as far as we are concerned, there is no conflict between The Rules and feminism. Rules girls can be feminists. We are feminists. We believe in and are grateful for the advances women have made in the last century. How else could we have become authors and formed a company? All women have different definitions of feminism, but to us, it is about getting equal pay for equal work. It’s about women being authors, astronauts, doctors, lawyers, CEOs or whatever they want to be – getting promoted, being treated the same and paid as much as men! Feminism is also about women believing in their own importance. It is about being fulfilled by our jobs, our hobbies, our friendships. It is knowing that the women in our lives are as important as the men – and treating our friends with respect and consideration to prove it! But with all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships. Like it or not, men are emotionally and romantically different from women. Men are biologically the aggressor. They thrive on challenge – whether it’s the stock market, basketball or football – while women crave security and bonding. This has been true since civilization began! Men who respond to The Rules are not sick or stupid, but quite normal and healthy. Your average guy. What would be sick is if a man chased and chased a woman who clearly didn’t want him, who repeatedly said ‘no’ when he asked her out as early as Monday for Saturday night. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a woman who says ‘yes’ to dates when asked a few days in advance and is nice to men on dates. She’s simply not too eager and doesn’t drop everything to see him at a moment’s notice. That way he respects her and wants to be with her and marry her. Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing … in other words, to follow The Rules. After twenty or thirty years of do-what-you-feel and haphazard dating, most women we know are actually relieved to have rules and boundaries to live by. These women are happy that feminism has helped them get ahead in business and given them financial independence, but they agree that trying to be as aggressive in relationships with men as they are in their careers doesn’t work. Are we telling women to play games? Some people like to focus on the most superficial aspects in The Rules – the ones most likely to promote controversy – but the book is really about self-esteem, about setting boundaries. Yes, in some ways, you’re playing a game. The game is called liking yourself! The game is not accepting just any treatment from a man. The game is being true to your heart. Everyone knows in their hearts that The Rules work, that this is the way it really is. But some people have to read the book a few times before they get the message that it’s not just about egg timers, lipstick and not returning calls. The Rules is not an etiquette book – it’s not about how to order wine on a date or which fork to use. While these niceties are important, they’re not what The Rules focus on. The Rules are about saving women – and men, for that matter – heartache. There are many disastrous relationships out there because women either initiated relationships with men or kept them going long after they should have been over. A failed relationship is depressing, confidence-shaking and altogether unpleasant. By following The Rules, you avoid these disastrous results – and these painful emotions. We had to write The Rules strictly, like a strict diet book, because we knew women would break them. They always sneak in their favourite high-fat meal or a piece of chocolate cake on Saturday nights. With such strict rules, even if women break the occasional rule, they can still reap the benefits of doing the rest. Even therapists, whom we were sure would find the ‘be mysterious’ part of The Rules objectionable, are actually recommending the book to their clients. They agree that the openness and honesty so necessary in therapy do not work in the initial stages of dating. Are The Rules too marriage-minded? No, just realistic. Many women want to get married, and why not? It’s great to have a wonderful man to share your life with – end of story. We’re not telling women they’re nothing without a man. It’s just that many women feel that if they don’t marry a nice guy, they’re missing something. It’s a fact. This is how they really feel. It’s not a moral issue. Can they be happy without a husband? Sure. Can you be happy without taking holidays? Sure, but why would you want to? We are not advocating marriage at any cost. On the contrary, in Rule 42: ‘Buyer Beware’, we explain how to determine if he’s Mr Right. This is a thinking woman’s guide to marriage. This is not about being a Stepford wife. Indeed, The Rules represents a change in attitude about dating, a new spirituality that is sorely needed today. It’s going against nature when you chase a man, sleep with him too soon or beg him to marry you. He may end up mistreating you, even if he marries you. He may never forgive you for trapping him and treat you badly. Conversely, when you do The Rules on a man who initially showed interest, he gets to fall in love with you and value you. He does not take you for granted. Every phone call and date is precious. He never feels trapped or that you pressured him to marry you because he did the calling, the pursuing, the proposing. Rules marriages are happy marriages. Rules husbands make wonderful partners for life. They are attentive and involved husbands and fathers. They change diapers, help the kids with their homework and plan family holidays. The Rules work. They really do. That’s why women who want to be happily married – or at the very least, in a loving relationship – are living by The Rules – and loving the results. 1 The History of The Rules (#ulink_351f3f34-3aea-5c17-a25f-a2eee2a203b4) No one seems to remember exactly how The Rules got started, but we think they began circa 1917 with Melanie’s grandmother who made men wait nervously in her parents’ front room in a small suburb of Michigan. Back then, they called it ‘playing hard to get’. Whatever you call it, she had more marriage proposals than shoes. Grandma passed on her know-how to Melanie’s mother, who passed it on to Melanie. It had been a family treasure for nearly a century. But when Melanie got married in 1981, she freely offered this old-fashioned advice to her single college friends and co-workers, like us. At first, Melanie whispered The Rules. After all, modern women aren’t to talk loudly about wanting to get married. We had grown up dreaming about being the president of a company, not the wife of the president. So, we quietly passed The Rules on from friend to friend, somewhat embarrassed because they seemed so, well, 50s. Still, we had to face it: as much as we loved being powerful in business, for most of us, that just wasn’t enough. Like our mothers and grandmothers before us, we also wanted husbands who would be our best friends. Deep inside, if the truth be told, we really wanted to get married – the romance, the gown, the flowers, the presents, the honeymoon – the whole package. We didn’t want to give up our liberation, but neither did we want to come home to empty flats. Who said we couldn’t have it all? If you think The Rules are crazy, don’t worry, so did we. But after much heartache we came to believe that The Rules aren’t immoral or outlandish, just a simple working set of behaviours and reactions that, when followed, invariably serve to make most women irresistible to desirable men. Why not admit it? We needed The Rules! Women today simply have not been schooled in the basics – The Rules of finding a husband or at least being very popular with men. Soon, we got bolder and began to talk louder. These Rules – they worked! At first, we were uncomfortable with some of the premises which seemed to fly in the face of everything we’d been taught about male-female relations; but – there was no getting around it – success talked. We swallowed some of our preconceived theories, followed The Rules faithfully and watched as so many of us got married (along with being career women or whatever else we were). There we were – a secret underground, sharing the magic, passing it on, doing what historically women have done for each other since the world began – networking for success. This time, though, the stakes were larger and the victories sweeter than any corporate deal. We’re talking marriage here – real, lasting marriage, not just loveless mergers – the result of doing The Rules. The simple Rules. The How-to-Find-a-Great-Husband Rules. For years, we had been sharing them with the women we knew, both at home and at work. For years, women had been calling us to check up on points: ‘Did you say that you have to end the date first or he does? I forget.’ Then one night, during a Chinese dinner with a few of our single friends, we heard Cindy mention something about these … er, Rules … that she’d heard about from a friend in California. We knew it! There could be no mistake. These were the same Rules one of us had followed in New York to find her wonderful husband. The Rules had crisscrossed the country, bouncing from woman to woman, from suburb to city, until here they came right back to us over egg rolls in Manhattan! But – and here’s the catch – Cindy got them wrong! ‘The Rule says men have to end the date first so that they’re in charge,’ said Cindy. ‘No, no, no, WRONG. The Rule is you end the date first so that you leave him wanting you more,’ we explained. It was then that we decided to write The Rules down so that there would be no mistakes. 2 What are The Rules? (#ulink_d2d2e04d-2012-579b-a276-f3bc76b9e2ad) How many times have you heard someone say, ‘She’s nice, she’s pretty, she’s smart … why isn’t she married?’ Were they talking about you, perhaps? Ever wonder why women who are not so pretty or smart attract men almost effortlessly? Frankly, many women we know find it easier to relocate to another city, switch careers or run a marathon than get the right man to marry them! If this sounds like you, then you need The Rules! What are The Rules? They are a simple way of acting around men that can help any woman win the heart of the man of her dreams. Sound too good to be true? We were sceptical at first, too. Read on! The purpose of The Rules is to make Mr Right obsessed with having you as his by making yourself seem unattainable. In plain language, we’re talking about playing hard to get! Follow The Rules, and he will not just marry you, but feel crazy about you, forever! What we’re promising you is ‘happily ever after’. A marriage truly made in heaven. If you follow The Rules, you can rest assured that your husband will treat you like a queen – even when he’s angry with you. Why? Because he spent so much time trying to get you. You have become so precious to him that he doesn’t take you for granted. On the contrary, he thinks of you constantly. He’s your best friend, your Rock of Gibraltar during bad times. He’s hurt if you don’t share your problems with him. He is always there for you – when you start your new job, if you need surgery. He even likes to get involved in mundane things, such as picking out a new bedspread. He always wants to do things together. When you do The Rules, you don’t have to worry about him chasing other women, even your very attractive neighbour or his bosomy secretary. That’s because when you do The Rules, he somehow thinks you’re the sexiest woman alive! When you do The Rules, you don’t have to worry about being abandoned, neglected or ignored! A woman we know who followed The Rules is now married to a wonderful man who doesn’t try to get rid of her to go out with the guys. Instead, he becomes slightly jealous when she does her own thing. They are very good friends, too. Men are different from women. Women who call men, ask them out, conveniently have two tickets to a show or offer sex on the first date destroy male ambition and animal drive. Men are born to respond to challenge. Take away challenge and their interest wanes. That, in a nutshell, is the premise of The Rules. Sure, a man might many you if you don’t do The Rules, but we can’t guarantee that yours will be a good marriage. This is how it works: if men love challenge, we become challenging! But don’t ask a man if he loves challenge. He may think or even say he doesn’t. He may not realize how he reacts. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. As you read this book, you may think that The Rules are too calculating and wonder, ‘How hard to get do I have to be? Am I never to cook him dinner or take him to the theatre? What if I just feel like talking to him? Can’t I call? When may I reveal personal things about myself?’ The answer is: Read The Rules. Follow them completely (not a la carte) and you will be happy you did. How many of us know women who never quite trust their husbands and always feel slightly insecure? They may even see therapists to talk about why their husbands don’t pay attention to them. The Rules will save you about fifty pounds an hour in therapy bills. Of course, it’s easy to do The Rules with men you’re not that interested in. Naturally, you don’t call them, instantly return their calls or send them love letters. Sometimes your indifference makes them so crazy about you that you end up marrying one of them. That’s because you did The Rules (without even thinking about it) and he proposed! But settling for less is not what this book is about. The idea is to do The Rules with the man you’re really crazy about. This will require effort, patience and self-restraint. But isn’t it worth it? Why should you compromise and marry someone who loves you but whom you’re not crazy about? We know many women who face this dilemma. But don’t worry – this book will help you marry only Mr Right! Your job now is to treat the man you are really, really crazy about like the man you’re not that interested in – don’t call, be busy sometimes! Do all of this from the beginning – from day one! Do it from the second you meet him – or should we say, the second he meets you! The better you do The Rules from the beginning, the harder he will fall for you. Keep thinking, ‘How would I behave if I weren’t that interested in him?’ And then behave that way. Would you offer endless encouragement to someone you didn’t really like? Would you stay on the phone with him for hours? Of course not! Don’t worry that busyness and lack of interest will drive him away. The men you don’t like keep calling after you’ve turned them down, don’t they? Remember, The Rules are not about getting just any man to adore you and propose; they’re about getting the man of your dreams to marry you! It’s an old-fashioned formula, but it really works! We understand why modern, career-oriented women have sometimes scoffed at our suggestions. They’ve been MBA-trained to ‘make things happen’ and to take charge of their careers. However, a relationship with a man is different from a job. In a relationship, the man must take charge. He must propose. We are not making this up – biologically, he’s the aggressor. Some women complain that The Rules prevent them from being themselves or having fun. ‘Why should dating be work?’ some ask. But when they end up alone on Saturday night because they did not follow The Rules, they always come back to us saying, ‘Okay, okay, tell me what to do.’ Doing what you want to do is not always in your best interest. On a job interview, you don’t act ‘like yourself’. You don’t eat cake if you’re serious about losing weight. Similarly, it is not wise to let it all hang out and break The Rules as soon as you begin dating a man. In the long run, it’s not fun to break The Rules! You could easily end up alone. Think long-term. Imagine a husband you love, beautiful sex, children, companionship and growing old with someone who thinks you’re a great catch. Think about never having to be alone on Saturday nights or having to ask your married friends to fix you up. Think about being a couple! Unfortunately, however, you must experience some delayed gratification in the first few months of the relationship to achieve this marital bliss. But has wearing your heart on your sleeve ever got you anywhere? There are many books and theories on this subject. All make wonderful promises, but The Rules actually produce results. It’s easy to know what’s going on when you do The Rules. It’s very simple. If he calls you, pursues you, asks you out, it’s The Rules. If you have to make excuses for his behaviour – for example, he didn’t call after the first date because he’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend – and you have to think about every word he said until your head hurts and you call him, it’s not The Rules. Forget what he’s going through – for example, ‘fear of commitment’ or ‘not ready for a relationship’. Remember, we don’t play therapist when we do The Rules. If he calls and asks you out, it’s The Rules. Anything else is conversation. 3 Meet a Rules Girl (#ulink_4ce74df2-c944-5c03-bd85-58f7f8f98579) If you had ever met Melanie, you wouldn’t have thought she was extraordinarily pretty or smart or special, but you might have noticed that she had a way of behaving around men that put prom queens to shame. Melanie did the best with what she had: she wore makeup and clothes well and acted elusive. Unlike other, prettier girls who ran after men or made themselves available every time a man called, Melanie acted indifferent – sometimes aloof, sometimes nice, but always happy and busy. She didn’t return their calls, didn’t stare at them (a dead giveaway of interest, see Rule 3 (#ulink_e3f36980-fa0b-548a-9412-9f2ce6da4ccf)) and always ended phone conversations first. ‘I’ve got a million things to do’ was her favourite closing line. Melanie’s boyfriend eventually proposed to the one girl he thought he would never get – her! Who hasn’t met a Melanie? Haven’t we all known women who seemed to be experts around men? Men don’t appear to unnerve these women or trip them up. They have a certain self-confidence around men that has nothing to do with their looks or their jobs. Melanies simply feel good about themselves – they can take or leave men – which makes men have to have them. Call it reverse psychology or whatever you want, but Melanies always get their man. When you meet a Melanie, especially a plain and simple Melanie, you want to go up to her and ask, ‘What is it, what are you doing that make men run after you? What’s your secret? What am I doing wrong?’ A genuine Melanie would probably say without too much thought, ‘Oh, it’s really nothing.’ The born-again Melanies – former Rules breakers who have learned their lesson after being burned by chasing men – would probably say, ‘Yes, there is a secret. Men love a challenge. Don’t talk to them first, be busy sometimes, turn them down once in a while (nicely!).’ You will find Melanies everywhere you go. Watch them carefully. Observe how they have made self-contentment and independence an art form. They don’t look wildly around to catch men’s eyes. They don’t say hello first. They just go about their business. It would probably be good practice the next time you are at a social event to stand back and watch the Melanies and The Rules breakers. Compare how the two types of women behave around men and notice the results. Notice how the Melanies intentionally don’t carry a pen with them in order to give men their phone numbers and they don’t rush to give their business cards. Notice the way they move around the room while The Rules breakers stand too long in one place, look anxious or talk too long to one man. They make it too easy for men to ask them out – and, as you will read in this book, that’s a big mistake. One day, after years of watching girls like Melanie snag the men of our dreams, we asked Melanie how she got such a great catch. She took pity on us and told us about The Rules. She said that we were nice but we talked too much and were over eager, and that we mistakenly tried to be ‘friends’ with men rather than elusive butterflies, or, as she put it, ‘creatures unlike any other’ (see Rule 1). Needless to say, we were offended by what seemed to us to be downright trickery and manipulation. The Rules would send women back twenty-five years. What would the feminists say? On the other hand, Melanie had what we wanted: the husband of her dreams who adored her. It made sense to rethink our offended psyches! Melanie assured us that plain-looking women who followed The Rules stood a better chance of being happily married than gorgeous women who didn’t. Thinking back on our own dating history, it did appear that the men we really wanted didn’t necessarily want us. We’d be ourselves, friendly and supportive and they thought we were great – but it ended right there. And, come to think of it, the ones we didn’t particularly care for, the ones we didn’t notice, maybe even snubbed, were the ones who didn’t stop calling, the ones who were crazy about us. There was a message here somewhere: treat the men we wanted like the men we didn’t want. Simple, but not easy. But what did we have to lose? We wanted what Melanie had. So we did what she did, and – it worked! 4 But First the Product – You! (#ulink_564ece56-54c3-5cf4-bab3-444fe96e07f0) Before The Rules can be applied for the best, most unbelievable results – the man of your dreams asking you to many him – you have to be the best you can be. Certainly not perfect or gorgeous, but the best you can be, so … Look your best! The better you look, the better you will feel and the more desirable you will become to him. Maybe other men will start finding you more attractive and asking you out. You will no longer feel that the man you’re currently dating is the only man on earth. You’ll be less anxious and more confident. And when you look and feel good, you’re less likely to break The Rules. We are not nutritionists, but we do know that eating right – protein, fruits and vegetables – makes you feel good. And that exercise releases endorphins which make you feel happier and more energetic. So, in addition to a healthy diet, we strongly suggest that you shake your buns! Join a gym, buy an exercise video or go jogging in a nearby park (also a great place to meet men who are jogging or walking their dogs). Make exercise exciting by playing music while you do sit-ups. Diet and exercise and The Rules have a lot in common. Both require putting long-term goals before short-term gratification. You will have to experience a certain amount of discomfort when you can’t eat a cream bun and you can ‘t call a man. But you want to be fit and you want to get married so you do what you have to do. Make friends with a woman in the same predicament and jog together, go to dances together and reprimand each other when either of you is tempted to break The Rules. You don ‘t have to do all this hard work alone! If you are serious about finding a husband, then you must change your definition of gratification. Gratification is a man calling you, pursuing you and asking you to marry him. Gratification is not a hot fudge sundae or a hot date where you break The Rules! Self-improvement will help you catch and keep a man. So try to change bad habits like slovenliness if you expect to live with a man. Men like women who are neat and clean. They also make better mothers of their children – the kind who don’t lose their kids at the beach. Now a word about clothes. If you walk around in any old clothes on the theory that what counts is only what’s inside, not your outside, think again! Men like women who wear fashionable, sexy clothes in bright colours. Why not please them? If you don’t know a lot about clothes, read fashion magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue and books on the subject; consult a friend whose taste you admire; or enlist the help of a personal shopper at a department store. Trying on clothes by yourself in a dressing room can be overwhelming and confusing – not to mention painful if you are out of shape – so it ‘s always good to get a second opinion. Why not a professional one? Personal shoppers can help you find clothes that look good on you and that hide your flaws, as opposed to clothes that are perhaps trendy but not flattering. Always remember when you are shopping that you are unique, a creature unlike any other, a woman. Don ‘t aspire to the unisex look. Buy feminine-looking clothes to wear on the weekends as well as during the workweek. Remember that you’re dressing for men, not other women, so always strive to look feminine. While it’s good to keep up with the times, don’t be a fashion slave. Don’t spend a month’s salary, say, on bell bottoms and clogs just because they happen to be in vogue this year. First of all, they may not be around next season, and, more importantly, you may not look good in them! We know women who have gone overboard with one look – be it man-tailored suits or oversized crocheted sweaters – and ended up looking overdressed, trendy and not at all sexy. Be a smart shopper, not a runaway spender! Buy a few good classics and mix them with cheaper items. Keep in mind that just because something is in vogue doesn’t mean that it will look good on you or appeal to men. Men don’t necessarily care for the ‘waif’ look or like it when women wear long granny dresses and combat boots, however popular the look may be. They like women in feminine clothes. Wear a short skirt (but not too short), if you have the legs for it. Also, don’t feel that you have to wear designer clothes to attract men. Men don’t care whose label you’re wearing, just how your clothes look and fit on you. It’s better to buy a no-name brand that looks stunning and hides your hips that a designer outfit that doesn’t. While you’re shopping in a department store, stop by a cosmetics counter and treat yourself to a makeover. We can all look better than we do. Many of us don’t realize our potential until we get a makeover, which, by the way, is often given for free with a minimal purchase. Pay attention to which colours are good for you and how the makeup artist applies them. Buy whatever he or she suggests that you can afford and go home and practise putting it on. Don’t leave the house without wearing makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging! Do everything you possibly can to put your best face forward. If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; colour grey hair; grow your hair long. Men prefer long hair, something to play with and caress. It doesn’t matter what your hairdresser and friends think. You’re certainly not trying to attract them! Let’s face it, hairdressers are notorious for pushing exciting, short haircuts on their clients; trimming long hair is not fun for them. It doesn’t matter that short hair is easier to wash and dry or that your hair is very thin. The point is, we’re girls! We don’t want to look like boys. It will be easier to feel like a creature unlike any other if you follow good grooming. Manicures, pedicures, periodic facials and massages should become part of your routine. And don’t forget to spray on an intoxicating perfume when you go out – just don’t overdo it. Now that you look the part, you must act the part. Men like women. Don’t act like a man, even if you are head of your own company. Let him open the door. Be feminine. Don’t tell sarcastic jokes. Don’t be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl. This is okay when you’re alone with your girlfriends. But when you’re with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don’t talk so much. Wear black sheer stockings and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex! You might feel offended by these suggestions and argue that this will suppress your intelligence or vivacious personality. You may feel that you won’t be able to be yourself, but men will love it! In addition, don’t sound cynical or depressed and tell long-winded stories of all the people who have hurt you or let you down. Don’t make your prospective husband a saviour or therapist. On the contrary, act as if you were born happy. Don’t tell everything about yourself. Say thank you and please. Practise this ladylike behaviour with waiters, doormen and even cab drivers who take the long way to your destination. This will make it easier to be ladylike on dates. If you never meet men accidentally, go to everything – dances, tennis parties (even if you don’t play tennis), Club Med. Just go, go, go – show up! Put a personal ad in a magazine, answer ads, ask people to set you up. Don’t shy away from singles events with the rationalization that ‘The men who go there aren’t my type.’ Remember, you are not trying to find large groups of men who are your type, just one! Don’t lose sight of this concept. It will keep you going on those bad days when you are convinced that true love is just never going to happen to you! Last but not least, trust this process. You may not meet your husband immediately after you have got in shape, bought some terrific outfits and practised The Rules on three eligible men. It may not be your time. But it is our experience that if you continue to do The Rules at every opportunity and pray for patience, you will eventually meet and marry the man of your dreams. 5 The Rules (#ulink_36c14735-e74b-5f90-bbc9-81f5ffd20df5) Rule 1 Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’ (#ulink_d5c36daf-1517-528f-872e-77fe1df8fcc4) Being a creature unlike any other is a state of mind. You don’t have to be rich, beautiful or exceptionally smart to feel this way about yourself. And you don’t have to be born with this feeling either. It can be learned, practised and mastered, like all the other rules in this book. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It’s the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don’t babble on and on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). It doesn’t matter if you’re not a beauty queen, that you never finished college or that you don’t keep up with current events. You will think you’re enough! You have more confidence than women with MBAs or money in the bank. You don’t grovel. You’re not desperate or anxious. You don’t date men who don’t want you. You trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe: if not him, someone better, you say. You don’t settle. You don’t chase anyone. You don’t use sex to make men love you. You believe in love and marriage. You’re not cynical. You don’t go to pieces when a relationship doesn’t work out. Instead, you get a manicure and go out on another date or to a singles dance. You’re an optimist. You brush away a tear so that it doesn’t smudge your makeup and you move on! Of course, that is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if! On a date, you never show that getting married is foremost on your mind. You’re cool. He may think you’ve turned down several marriage proposals. You sip – never slurp – your drink and let him find out all about you, instead of the other way around. Your answers are short, light and flirtatious. Your gestures are soft and feminine. When your hair falls in front of your face, you tilt your head back and comb back your hair with your hand from the top of your head in a slow, sweeping motion. All your movements – the way you excuse yourself to use the ladies room or look at your watch to end the date – are fluid and sexy, not jerky or self-conscious. You’ve been on many dates before; you’re a pro. That’s because you take care of yourself. You didn’t lie in bed depressed, eating cakes before the date. You took a bubble bath, read this book and built up your soul with positive slogans like, ‘I’m a beautiful woman. I am enough.’ You told yourself that you don’t have to do anything more on the date than show up. He’ll either love you or not. It’s not your fault if he doesn’t call again. You’re beautiful, inside and out. Someone else will love you if he doesn’t. All that matters is that you end the date first (see Rule 12 (#litres_trial_promo)). When you go to singles dances or parties, you pump yourself up. You pretend you’re a movie star. You hold your head high and walk in as if you just flew in from New York on the Concorde. You’re only in town for one night and if some lucky hunk doesn’t swoop down and grab you it’ll be his loss! You get a drink, a Perrier perhaps, even if you’re not thirsty. It keeps your hands busy so you don ‘t bite your nails or twirl your hair out of nervousness. You don’t show that you’re nervous, even if you are. That’s the secret: you act as if everything’s great, even if you’re on the verge of flunking college or getting fired. You walk briskly, as if you know where you’re going, which is just around the room. You keep moving. You don’t stand in a corner waiting for anyone. They have to catch you in motion. If you think you aren’t pretty, if you think other girls are better dressed or thinner or cooler, you keep it to yourself. You tell yourself, ‘Any man would be lucky to have me’, until it sinks in and you start to believe it. If a man approaches you, you smile and answer his questions very nicely without saying too much. You’re demure, a bit mysterious. You leave him hungry for more, as opposed to bored. After a few minutes you say, ‘I think I’ll walk around now.’ Most women hang around men all night waiting to be asked to dance. But you do The Rules. If he wants to be with you or get your phone number, he’ll search the crowded room until he finds you. You don’t offer him your pen or business card. You don’t make it easy for him. Don’t even carry them with you or you may be tempted to ‘help him out’. The reason is that he has to do all the work. As he scrambles around begging the coat-check girl for a pen, you stand by quietly. You think to yourself, ‘The Rules have begun!’ It’s that simple. You do The Rules and trust that one day a prince will notice that you’re different from all other women he’s known, and ask for your hand! Rule 2 Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance) (#ulink_a0e4cec4-8bf8-5571-868e-78b28a3396f2) Never? Not even ‘Let’s have coffee’ or ‘Do you come here often?’ Right, not even these seemingly harmless openers. Otherwise, how will you know if he spotted you first, was smitten by you and had to have you, or is just being polite? We know what you’re thinking. We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly and painful; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things namely, that man pursues woman. By talking to a man first, we interfere with whatever was supposed to happen or not happen, perhaps causing a conversation or a date to occur that was never meant to be and inevitably getting hurt in the process. Eventually, he’ll talk to the girl he really wants and drop you. Yet, we manage to rationalize this behaviour by telling ourselves, ‘He’s shy’ or ‘I’m just being friendly.’ Are men really shy? We might as well tackle this question right now. Perhaps a therapist would say so, but we believe that most men are not shy, just not really, really interested if they don’t approach you. It’s hard to accept that, we know. It’s also hard waiting for the right one – the one who talks to you first, calls and basically does most of the work in the beginning of the relationship because he must have you. It’s easy to rationalize women’s aggressive behaviour in this day and age. Unlike years ago when women met men at dances and ‘coming out’ parties and simply waited for one to pick them out of the crowd and start a conversation, today many women are accountants, doctors, lawyers, dentists and in management positions. They work with men, for men, and men work for them. Men are their patients and their clients. How can a woman not talk to a man first? The Rules answer is to treat men you are interested in like any other client or patient or co-worker, as hard as that might be. Let’s face it, when a woman meets a man she really likes, a light bulb goes on in her head and she sometimes, without realizing it, relaxes, laughs and spends more time with him than is necessary. She may suggest lunch to discuss something that could be discussed over the phone because she is hoping to ignite some romance. This is a common ploy. Some of the smartest women try to make things happen under the guise of business. They think they are too educated or talented to be passive, play games or do The Rules. They feel their diplomas and salaries entitle them to do more in life than wait for the phone to ring. These women, we assure you, always end up heartbroken when their forwardness is rebuffed. But why shouldn’t it be? Men know what they want. No one has to ask them to lunch. So, the short of it is that if you meet men professionally, you still have to do The Rules. You must wait until he brings up lunch or anything else beyond business. As we explain in Rule 22, the man must take the lead. Even if you are making the same amount of money as a man you are interested in, he must bring up lunch. If you refuse to accept that men and women are different romantically, even though they may be equal professionally, you will behave like men – talk to them first, ask for their phone number, invite them to discuss the case over dinner at your place – and drive them away. Such forwardness is very risky; sometimes we have seen it work, most of the time it doesn’t, and it always puts the woman through hell emotionally. By not accepting the concept that the man must pursue the woman, women put themselves in jeopardy of being rejected or ignored, if not at the moment, then at some point in the future. We hope you never have to endure the following torture: Our dentist friend Pam initiated a friendship with Robert when they met in dental school several years ago by asking him out to lunch. She spoke to him first. Although they later became lovers and even lived together, he never seemed really ‘in love’ with her and her insecurity about the relationship never went away. Why would it? She spoke to him first. He recently broke up with her over something trivial. The truth is he never loved her. Had Pam followed The Rules, she would never have spoken to Robert or initiated anything in the first place. Had she followed The Rules, she might have met someone else who truly wanted her. She would not have wasted time. Rules girls don’t waste time. Here’s another example of a smart woman who broke The Rules: Claudia, a confident Wall Street broker, spotted her future husband on the dance floor of a popular disco and planted herself next to him for a good five minutes. When he failed to make the first move, she told herself that he was probably shy or had two left feet and asked him to dance. The relationship has been filled with problems. She often complains that he’s as ‘shy’ in the bedroom as he was that night on the dance floor. A word about dances. It’s become quite popular these days for women to ask men to dance. Lest there is any doubt in your mind, this behaviour is totally against The Rules. If a man doesn’t bother to walk across the room to seek you out and ask you to dance, then he’s obviously not interested and asking him to dance won’t change his feelings or rather his lack of feelings for you. He’ll probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won’t be crazy about you. Either he didn’t notice you or you made it too easy. He never got the chance to pursue you and this fact will always permeate the relationship even if he does ask you out. We know what you’re thinking: what am I supposed to do all night if no one asks me to dance? Unfortunately, the answer is to go to the bathroom five times if you have to, reapply your lipstick, powder your nose, order more water from the bar, think happy thoughts, walk around the room in circles until someone notices you, make phone calls from the lobby to your married friends for encouragement – in short, anything but ask a man to dance. Don’t even stand next to someone you like, hoping he’ll ask you, as many women do. You have to wait for someone to notice you. You might have to go home without having met anyone you liked or even danced one dance. But tell yourself that at least you got to practise The Rules and there’s always another dance. You walk out with a sense of accomplishment that at least you didn’t break The Rules! If this sounds boring, remember the alternative is worse. Our good friend Sally got so resentful of having to dance with all the ‘losers’ at a particular party that she finally decided to defy The Rules she knew only too well and asked the best-looking man in the room to dance. Not only was he flattered, but they danced for hours and he asked her out for the next three nights. ‘Maybe there are exceptions to The Rules,’ she thought triumphantly. She found out otherwise, of course. It seems Mr Right was in town for just a few days on business and already had a girlfriend. No wonder he hadn’t asked anyone to dance that night. He probably just went to the party to have fun, not to find his future wife. The moral of the story: don’t figure out why someone hasn’t asked you to dance – there’s always a good reason. Unfortunately, more women than men go to dances to meet ‘The One’. Their eagerness and anxiety get the best of them and they end up talking to men first or asking them to dance. So you must condition yourself not to expect anything from a dance. View it simply as an excuse to put on high heels, apply a new shade of blush and be around a lot of people. Chances are someone of the opposite sex will start to talk to you at some point in the evening. If and when he does, and you’re not having such a great time, don’t show it. For example, don’t be clever or cynical and say, ‘I would have been better off staying home and watching Friends.’ Men aren’t interested in women who are witty in a negative way. If someone asks if you’re having a good time, simply say yes and smile. If you find all of this much too hard to do, then don’t go to the dance. Stay home, do sit-ups, watch Friends and reread The Rules. It’s better to stay home and read The Rules than go out and break them. Rule 3 Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much (#ulink_7b5bfbf4-9adb-5d0c-bc7c-a3041b8adfe5) Looking at someone first is a dead give-away of interest. Let him look at you! If he doesn’t notice you first, he’s probably not interested. Keep walking, someone else will notice you. Did you know that there are workshops designed to teach women how to make eye contact with men they find attractive? Save your money. It is never necessary to make eye contact. What about letting men know you’re receptive? We suggest simply smiling at the room (or the universe, if you will) and looking relaxed and approachable. That’s how to acknowledge a man’s attention, not by staring at him. Don’t look anxiously around for ‘The One’. That is certain to make anyone look the other way. There is nothing attractive about anxiety. On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Otherwise, he will know that you’re planning the honeymoon. Instead, look down at the table or your food, or simply survey the crowd at the restaurant. It’s best to seem generally interested in life, in others, in your surroundings, in the paintings on the wall, as opposed to this live prey. He will feel crowded and self-conscious if you gaze at him too much. Restrain yourself. Let him spend the evening trying to get your attention. One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say. Do you talk about the weather or politics? Should you be intellectual or girlish? If you’re smart, you’ll stay cool and just listen to what he says. Follow his lead. If he wants to talk about dance clubs, tell him which one’s you’ve been to and which ones you like. We’re not suggesting that you be an airhead. On the contrary! It’s just that you’re easy to be with. When appropriate, show him that you keep up with current events and have interests. Early dating is not the time to tell him about your job problems. In general, don’t be too heavy. But don’t be funny if he’s serious. Just go with the flow. Needless to say, there will be moments on a date when neither of you has anything to say. Don’t feel the need to fill in these silences. You’ll end up saying something stupid and forced. Sometimes men just want to drive in silence without saying a word. Let them. Maybe he’s thinking about how he’s going to propose to you one day. Don’t ruin his concentration. Don’t feel you have to be entertaining or have interesting conversation all the time. He will think you are trying too hard. Just be there! Remember, men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say. If anything, men should be the ones scrambling their brains to come up with clever lines, asking you a lot of questions, and wondering whether or not they’re keeping you interested. Besides, most men find chatty women annoying. We know one man who stopped calling a woman he was physically attracted to because she simply didn’t stop talking. Don’t be like that. As a woman, you probably like to talk, especially about the relationship, but you must hold your tongue. Wait until the date is over and then you can call ten girlfriends and analyse the date for hours. On the date itself, be quiet and reserved. He’ll wonder what you’re thinking, if you like him, and if he’s making a good impression. He’ll think you’re interesting and mysterious, unlike many of the women he’s dated. Don’t you want him to think about you like that? Rule 4 Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date (#ulink_75d0fd98-ddc3-5070-9ed4-ba3e22e1dc4c) Men love a challenge – that’s why they play sports, fight wars and raid corporations. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them. When a man is trying to set up a date to meet you, don’t say, ‘Actually, I’m going to be in your area anyway’; don’t offer the names of restaurants between your place and his, unless he asks. Don’t say much at all. Let him do all the thinking, the talking, let him flip through the Yellow Pages or magazine listings and call a couple of friends for suggestions to come up with a place convenient for you. Men really feel good when they work hard to see you. Don’t take that away from them. The Rule is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you, pursue you, take cabs and trains to see you. For example, on their second date, Charles drove forty miles out of his way to see Michele because she was spending the weekend at her mother’s. Most girls would have left their mums in the lurch so that their date wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced. But Michele was schooled in The Rules and knew the right thing to do. The extra miles only made Charles more determined to see her. Friends and colleagues meet halfway. Men (real men) pick up women at their homes or offices for dates. Always make the place convenient for you. We don’t care where you live. Invariably, we find that men who insist that their dates meet them halfway or (worse) on their own turf, turn out to be turds – inconsiderate, uncompromising and even miserly. Jane recalls that after cabbing across town to meet Steve (a blind date) at his favourite brunch place, he suggested they split the bill. Jane, a truly nice person, agreed that it was only fair to pay her share. After all, she made a considerable amount of money as a lawyer and felt it would be ‘unfair’ for Steve to ‘absorb’ the entire cost of the date. Why should he have to pick up the whole tab? That was very nice of Jane, but we assure you that had she insisted that they meet at a place near her, perhaps just for a drink (especially if she didn’t feel right spending his money), Steve would have treated her like a princess, not a co-worker. But since Jane made everything so easy for him, he didn’t treat her well, lost interest, and eventually stopped calling. It’s not that women aren’t capable of taking public transport and paying for themselves. It’s just chivalrous, hence The Rules, for men to pick up their dates and pick up the bills. Equality and Dutch treat are fine in the workplace, but not in the romantic playing field. Love is easy when the man pursues the woman and pays for the woman most of the time. He feels that the money he spends on the food, the movie and the cabs is the price of being with you and it’s worth every penny. You should feel honoured, happy, not guilty. But if part of you feels uncomfortable about him paying for everything, offer to leave a tip or, if the night is a long one – say dinner, a show and three cab rides or parking pay for something small along the way. But don’t pay for anything on the first three dates. Later on, you can reciprocate in your own way: cook him dinner at your place or buy him a baseball cap. If he’s on a tight budget or is a student and you’re worried about him spending tuition money, still don’t split the bill. Instead, suggest inexpensive places to eat and have a hamburger. Don’t order appetisers or more than one drink. There’s always pizza or Chinese food. Suggest movies, museums and cheap outdoor concerts. It’s nice of you to care about his finances, but remember that he is deriving great pleasure from taking you out. Why deprive him of the joy of feeling chivalrous? Actually, the best way you can repay him is by being appreciative. Say thank you and please. Don’t criticize the place or the food or the service, even if they are plain awful. Be positive. Look for the good in everything. We know one man who became even more enamoured of a girl on their second date because she didn’t complain one word when he couldn’t remember where he parked at a football game. For the whole hour during which they pounded the pavement looking for his car, he kept thinking, ‘What a great girl!’ Many things can go wrong on a date, especially when a guy is so eager to impress you that he ends up making more mistakes – locking his keys in the car, forgetting the theatre tickets and so on. Never use these blunders to make him feel bad. Instead, see all the effort and expense he is putting into the date. Being a good sport could make the difference between being just another date and his future wife. Rule 5 Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls (#ulink_5bb163d2-8b98-5ef3-9f5d-48dbc03afa38) If you are following The Rules religiously, there is no reason to call him. He should be calling you, and calling you again and again until he pins you down for a date. To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. They will immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest! Another reason not to call men is so you don’t catch them in the middle of something watching a football game, paying bills, entertaining a friend or even sleeping – when they may not be in the mood to talk to you. Why take a chance? Invariably, when you call him, he will get off the phone first or quickly and you might misinterpret his busyness as disinterest. You may even think that he’s with another woman! Understandably, you feel empty and nervous for the rest of the day or evening or until you hear from him again. This nervousness might make you call him again to ask, ‘Is everything okay?’ or ‘Do you still love me? Miss me?’ And, you end up breaking more rules! So, if you don’t want a man to know how much you like him, or that you feel empty and insecure, don’t call him. If he leaves a message on your machine to return his call, try not to. Only call him back right away if it’s a scheduling change regarding an upcoming date or event, not just to chat. Not calling will leave him desiring you more, make him want to see you again and call you again. It prevents him from getting to know all about you much too quickly and getting bored. Besides, when you call only once in a while, it becomes special. Don’t worry about seeming rude. When he loves you or wants to get in touch with you badly, he won’t think you’re rude, just busy or hard to get – and men always call again. Have you ever noticed that the conversation is always better when men call you? That’s because when they call you, they’re doing the dialling, they want you, miss you at that moment and can’t wait to hear your voice. When they call you, they’re the aggressor, they’ve thought about what they’re going to say and have made the time to say it. They’re available! The Rules work for you when they call you because you may not be home and they’ll wonder where you are or have to call again. When they call you, you might be busy and have to nicely cut the conversation short. It will be easier to do Rule 6: Always End Phone Calls First, when you let them call you. But none of us are saints, and the reality is that we sometimes have to call men back. Not call them, mind you, just call them back. If, for whatever reason, you have to return a man’s calls, try to wait. Don’t call right back. When you do, keep the conversation short and sweet. Don’t tell his machine what time and what nights you can be reached or volunteer any additional information about how he can reach you. That would be making it too easy for him and you will appear too eager. Let him figure it out! Remember, you’re a Rules girl and you’re very busy! A Rules girl typically comes home to many messages on her answering machine from men trying to fill up her weekends. Now what if he leaves a message on your machine on Tuesday night and you’re dying to get a Saturday night date out of him? Do you call back Tuesday night? The Rules answer is no because it will seem obvious that you are probably calling to get a Saturday night date. Better that he call you again by Wednesday night (the absolute cut-off) for a Saturday night date. Better not to have a date on Saturday night than to get in the habit of calling him. The Rules are not about getting a date, but a husband. Don’t win the battle and lose the war. Remember, The Rules are also about not getting hurt or dumped. We never want you to go through unnecessary pain. Life has enough pain without our adding man pain to it. We can’t control cancer or drunk drivers, but we can restrain ourselves from dialling his number. If you call him and he doesn’t return your call or doesn’t ask you out, you’ll be crushed. If you call him, he’ll think you’re not so elusive and he won’t have to work so hard. If you call him, he won’t get trained to ask you out at the end of each date. He has to learn that if he doesn’t ask you out when he sees you, he might not reach you on the phone so soon and not see you for a week or two. It’s not that you’re impossible to get, you’re just hard to get. Remember, you’re very busy with activities and other dates and you make plans ahead of time. But don’t reprimand him for not calling sooner by saying, ‘If you had called earlier …’ Just say, ‘Really, I’d love to, but I can’t’. (He’ll figure out he has to call sooner). If he’s in love with you, he’ll start calling Monday or Tuesday for Saturday night. If he doesn’t love you, then he won’t call you again and again until he pins you down. However, don’t be surprised if a man takes a week or two after the first date to call. He may have a lot of things going on or he may be dating other women. He may be trying to fit you into his schedule but just isn’t sure how to do it. Remember, he had a life before he met you! Don’t flip out! Just get busy (so you don’t think about him twenty-four hours a day). Give him space, wait for him to call. Here’s a good example of how to handle such a situation: Our friend Laura waited two and a half weeks after her first date with David to hear from him. David was newly divorced and needed time to think before jumping into another relationship. A Rules girl, Laura gave him time and space. Unlike most women, she didn’t call to ‘see how he was doing’ or with some other excuse like, ‘Didn’t you say you needed the name of my financial planner?’ Sure, Laura was hurt, but she made plans with friends and went on blind dates. She had a pragmatic attitude. She knew that if he liked her, he’d eventually call; if he didn’t, it was his loss! Next! When David finally called, she was nice and friendly. She didn’t demand to know why he didn’t call sooner and want to talk about it. They dated for ten months and are married now. One last thought about the phone: sometimes we want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don ‘t hear his sexy voice this minute! That’s understandable. We suggest you call his home answering machine when he’s at work. Hang up before the beep. It really works! Rule 6 Always End Phone Calls First (#ulink_7358f433-7b49-50c3-8c4a-f30a0599dc24) Don’t call men (see Rule 5 (#ulink_96881e0e-53e4-50d2-bfa6-d838e2f6a83d)), except occasionally to return their calls. When a man calls you, don’t stay on the phone for more than ten minutes. Buy a timer if you have to. When the bell rings, you have to go! That way you seem busy and you won’t give away too much about yourself or your plans (even if you don’t have any plans). By ending the conversation first, you leave them wanting more. Good conversation enders are: ‘I have a million things to do,’ ‘Well, it’s been really nice talking to you,’ ‘Actually, I’m kind of busy right now,’ and ‘My beeper’s beeping, got to run!’ Remember to say these things in a very nice way. Women love to talk. And one of their biggest faults is talking to men as if they were their girlfriends, therapists or next-door neighbours. Remember, early on in a relationship, the man is the adversary (if he’s someone you really like). He has the power to hurt you by never calling again, by treating you badly or by being around but indifferent. While it’s also true that you can reject him, the fact is that it’s the man who notices you, asks you out and ultimately proposes marriage. He runs the show. The best way to protect yourself from pain is to not get emotionally involved too quickly. So don’t stay on the phone for an hour or two recounting your feelings or every incident of the day. You’ll become transparent very quickly and run the risk of making him tired or bored. He does not want to date his crazy younger sister, his chatterbox mother or his gossipy next-door neighbour. He wants to talk to a girl who’s friendly, light and breezy. By getting off the phone first, you don’t have to wonder if you’ve kept him on too long, bored him or revealed too much about yourself. Because it can be very difficult to monitor the amount of time you spend on the phone when you are ‘in like’ or in love, we again suggest using a timer or stopwatch. When the bell rings, you sweetly say, ‘I really have to go now.’ A timer is objective; you are not. It doesn’t matter if you’re having a great conversation and you want to tell him all about what happened to you between the ages of five and six that shaped your life. When the bell rings, the conversation is over. Remember, you always want to be mysterious. Having to get off the phone first creates a certain amount of mystery in his mind. He’ll wonder why you have to go so soon, what you’re doing, and if you’re dating someone else. It’s good for him to wonder about you. The Rules (and a timer) will make him wonder about you a lot. You may think that men will find your abruptly ending a phone call rude and won’t call again. On the contrary, just the opposite often happens simply because men are irrational when it comes to love. For example, our friend Janet set her timer to four minutes one evening. ‘Got to go,’ she said at the sound of the bell. Five minutes later he called back to insist that they start seeing each other twice a week instead of once a week. The four-minute call worked like a charm, bringing him closer to her, not (as you would expect) farther away. If you’re a genuinely nice person, you will probably feel cruel when you do The Rules. You may think you are making men suffer, but in reality you are actually doing them a favour. By doing The Rules, you make men want to spend more time with you on the phone and in person. They get to experience longing! Tell yourself you are doing them a favour when you feel heartless about doing The Rules! Another tip for driving a man to madness is to turn off your answering machine on a Sunday afternoon and see if he doesn’t go crazy trying to pin you down. When Cindy tried this tactic, her boyfriend ended up calling so many times that day that he activated her answering machine. (Some machines will automatically turn on after fourteen rings. Can you imagine him letting it ring fourteen times?!) When he finally got her on the phone that night, he possessively asked, ‘Where have you been? I wanted to take you for a drive in the country.’ It’s good when men get upset; it means they care about you. If they’re not angry, they’re indifferent, and if they’re indifferent, they’ve got one foot out the door. Getting off the phone after a few minutes is not easy, but it works. Our friend Kate felt that she was ‘losing’ Jeff, her boyfriend of three months, when after a Saturday night date he said good-bye very casually and told her, ‘I’ll call you. I’ll let you know what’s a good night for me next week’. Kate felt the tables turning and took an extreme but necessary Rules action. She didn’t answer her phone the night he usually called. She just listened to it ring and ring. When he finally reached her the next day at work, he was a little less cocky and somewhat nervous. He asked her what night would be good for her! The phone strategy worked – he never pulled another stunt like that again. Here’s another phone tip: if you’re home on a Friday night because you’re tired or don’t have a date, leave the answering machine on or have your mum or roommate say you’re not home. That way, if by some chance he calls you on a Friday night because he’s not doing anything either, he’ll think you’re not home. The worst thing you can do is give him the impression that you aren’t busy and sought after by other men. Don’t let him think that you ‘re a couch potato, even if you are. Don’t think playing games is bad. Sometimes game playing is good. Men like to think that they are getting a catch. Show him that you have a full life, that you are independent. On any other night when he calls and you pick up the phone, don’t feel you have to tell him exactly what you are doing. After a few minutes, just say you’re busy (nicely) and can’t talk anymore. You won’t be lying because sometimes you are busy – doing the laundry; just don’t tell him you’re doing the laundry. Never let him think, even if it’s true, that you are home thinking about him and making the wedding guest list. Men love the seemingly unattainable girl! Lest you think this advice is old-fashioned, remind yourself that you are a very fulfilled person – stable, functional and happy – with a career, friends and hobbies, and that you are perfectly capable of living with or without him. You are not an empty vessel waiting for him to fill you up, support you or give you a life. You are alive and enthusiastic, engaged in work and in living fully on your own. Men like women who are their own person, not needy leeches waiting to be rescued. The Rules are not about being rescued! In fact, the biggest mistake a woman can make when she meets a man she wants to marry is to make him the centre of her life. She may jeopardize her job by daydreaming at her desk about Prince Charming, rather than rolling up her sleeves and working. All she thinks about and talks about is him. She bores her girlfriends to death with details about every date. She is constantly looking for ties to buy him or clipping newspaper articles that he would find interesting. Not only is such behaviour unhealthy, but also it’s the surest way to lose him. First of all, he may be overwhelmed by all the attention. Second, he may never propose. And third, he may never rescue you emotionally and financially in the way you think. Even if he marries you, he may always have that night out with the boys, his hobbies or that Sunday morning basketball game. And he may want a working wife. So better get used to the idea now that you must have a life of your own – a job, interests, hobbies, friends that you can fill up on in between dates and even when you are married. The worst thing you can do when dating is to expect him to be your entertainment director. Don’t call him just because you’re bored or want attention. Be happy and busy. He should always be catching you coming or going. We hear again and again about women whose worlds shrink when they meet Mr Right. When you meet Mr Right is precisely the time to take up tennis, get an MBA or go on that camping trip with your friends. Rule 7 If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period! (#ulink_f34a5db7-b5bf-5bb4-912c-ac4809ff3fab) We know this is hard to accept. We’ve heard it all – every rationalization imaginable used to avoid having to confront this unpleasant truth: he said he was going to call at the end of the last date, but didn’t. Now you’re sure it’s because you didn’t smile or talk enough, or you talked too much. You didn’t thank him for dinner. You ordered the most expensive dish and now he thinks you’re after his money. Or he hasn’t called because he’s busy, or he’s going through something with his father or ex-wife. Business is rough and that’s why he hasn’t called. He thought you didn’t have a good time on the last date, so he didn’t call. He hasn’t called because he lost your number. We can come up with 100 reasons why a man didn’t call. But the bottom line is, if he hasn’t called, he’s not that interested. We’re not saying he doesn’t like you or that you didn’t have a great date or that you’re not on his mind sometimes, but if he hasn’t actually dialled your number, how interested can he be? If you have to call him to remind him you exist, something is wrong. Then, if you pursue him and he ever marries you, you’ll have to remind him it’s your birthday or your wedding anniversary or call him at work to get his attention. You might have to initiate sex and holidays. You’ll always have to be the one to call the travel agent because he may think about holidays, but he never gets around to calling. Things are the way they are! This is not the kind of relationship a Rules girl wants to get involved in. So don’t waste time analysing what you may have done to discourage him from calling. Let it go. No matter what the reason, if he doesn’t call, it’s next! Rule 8 Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday (#ulink_b9020b14-6d17-5370-a91d-91b2ff4003d5) It’s quite common these days for men to ask women out for the same night or the very next day. And it’s equally common for women to accept such casual, last-minute invitations out of fear that it will be the best offer they get that week. But this is not a Rules date. The man who eventually wants to marry you will not wait until the last minute to ask you out. On the contrary, he is kind, considerate, thoughtful and also afraid that if he doesn’t pin you down five days in advance, he may not see you for another week. And when he is in love with you, a week will feel like eternity! Needless to say, men don’t always know they shouldn’t be calling you on Thursday or Friday night for a Saturday night date. Other women have spoiled them by accepting last-minute offers. As we’ve stated, ideally he should ask you out at the end of your last date or call you as early as Monday or Tuesday for the next Saturday night. The Rules will make you foremost on his mind, the first thing he thinks about in the morning. And if you are always on his mind, he won’t want to wait until Thursday to call you. It may be a telltale sign of how a man feels about you if he doesn’t call you early in the week. The best way to encourage him to phone sooner is to turn him down when he calls on Thursday for Saturday night. Hopefully, he will get the hint. This is not a game. It is essential that men ask you out early in the week because, as a Rules woman, you simply can’t put your life on hold until Thursday or Friday! You have friends and lots of things to do. You need to know ahead of time if you’re going to have a date Saturday night or go to the movies with the girls. When men are calling you as late as Thursday, you become a nervous wreck. You’re frenetically checking your answering machine, or if you live at home, you’re constantly asking your mother if he called. Basically, you’re living on the edge. Rules girls don’t live on the edge. They have plans. If he hasn’t called by Wednesday night, make other plans for the weekend. Then you must politely decline if he calls Thursday and nonchalantly asks, ‘Hey, pet, what are you doing Saturday night?’ Practise the following answer in the nicest voice possible: ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, but I’ve already made plans.’ Don’t break down and go out with him even though you’d much rather do that than hang out with the girls or go out with another man you don’t like as much. And don’t counteroffer by saying, ‘But I’m free Monday.’ Men have to ask you out without your help. But don’t reprimand him for calling so late in the week. Be very nice, but very firm when you say no. Also, don’t say what your plans are because it doesn’t matter. What matters is the message you’re sending, which is: If you want to get a Saturday night date with me, you must call on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. Now you may be saying to yourself, ‘This is all so rigid, lots of men make plans when the mood strikes them, what’s wrong with spontaneity?’ These arguments sound convincing, but the reality is not so pleasant. When Ted first called our friend Beth on a Thursday night for a Saturday night date, she said yes right away. That set a bad precedent for him calling her at the last minute for future dates. Although they went out for a few months, he never thought that much about her during the week and she felt confused by the relationship because she was never sure if she was going to see him Saturday night. Remember, The Rules are about the long haul. The way a man behaves – rather, the way you allow him to behave toward you – during your courtship is usually the way he will behave during your marriage. For example, if he’s last minute about dating you, he’ll be last minute and inattentive about you in other ways. That’s why last-minute dates are just unacceptable. Men who call ten minutes before they’re going to be in your area to see you may be terrific dates, but how busy and hard to get are you if they can see you in ten minutes? If you give in, these men will end up treating you like someone they can get in ten minutes. But remember to be very nice when you say no. Don’t think negatively, ‘This man doesn’t think much of me to call right before he wants to see me.’ Or scream, ‘No, I’m busy,’ and slam down the phone. He isn’t thinking that at all. He isn’t thinking that he’s not treating you like a creature unlike any other. Give him a break. Rules girls are an unusual breed. As we’ve suggested, nicely say, ‘No, wow, I wish I wasn’t busy!’ Then sigh and get off the phone. He will soon realize that you simply want to be asked in advance for a date. Again, men are not trying to hurt you when they call at the last minute. Don’t be offended, just train them to call earlier without actually demanding it of them. Spontaneity is not ‘Hi. Want to see a movie this afternoon?’ That call might have come out of boredom or the fact that the woman he really wants to be with is busy. He didn’t call you in advance, dream about you for a week, and get all excited about putting his arm around your shoulders during the movie. He didn’t think of your date together as something precious that must be scheduled in advance like a reservation at a very exclusive restaurant. Spontaneity is fine, but it should happen during the date, such as an unexpected drive to the beach after dinner. We often hear about ‘spontaneous’ women who go out with men on twenty-four hours’ notice. We wish them luck. When a man knows he can have you five minutes after his last girlfriend gave him the boot, he’ll call you because he’s lonely or bored, not because he’s crazy about you. In such cases, buyer beware: it won’t last. Free spirits might object to what we are saying, but for long-lasting results we believe in treating dating like a job, with rules and regulations. Just like you have to work from nine to five, no matter how you feel, we believe you have to silently train men to make plans with you (elusive, busy, happy you!) ahead of time. When you do The Rules, what you’re really doing is giving men the secret, silent code that they understand very well. If you make it too easy for men, they’re certain to take advantage and then you can forget about getting a Rules marriage. We realize that the days in between dates with the man you are crazy about can be long and excruciating; but, remember, it’s worse to say yes indiscriminately whenever he wants to see you and risk him getting bored. If you play your cards right, he will reach the conclusion that the only way to see you whenever he wants, at the last minute, is to marry you! Rule 9 Fill Up Your Time Before the Date (#ulink_95488748-d0c2-58ae-bfac-3c97f873dc3f) Most women go on dates with a lot of expectations. They want the man to find them beautiful, to ask them out again and to father their children. Needless to say, these women are usually disappointed. That’s why we have found it very helpful – in fact, essential – to be booked up as much as possible before the date. It’s best to be busy right up until the doorbell rings so that you’re slightly breathless and brimming with energy when you finally see him. Here are some suggestions for what to do on the day of the date: 1 To relieve anxiety, go to the gym, get a manicure or take a long hot bubble bath. 2 Buy a new shirt or a bottle of perfume. Get a makeover. Treat yourself. 3 Take a nap. If you’re the type who gets drowsy at 10 p.m., a good nap will keep you going. 4 Go to the movies (see a comedy, not a romance, so love isn’t too much on your mind), read the newspaper or a book to fill your head with something other than how your first name sounds with his last name. If you’re busy all day, you won’t be so needy and empty when he picks you up. Here’s what not to do: 1 Don’t talk to your girlfriends all day long about the date, about how his astrological sign and yours go together, about how you know he’s ‘The One’, or about relationships in general. You really shouldn’t be thinking about the date at all. 2 Don’t see your mother, grandmother, or anyone who absolutely can’t wait for you to get married and have children. Being around them might make you reek of desperation on the date. You might inadvertently mention the M word (marriage) and scare him away. 3 Don’t write your name and his in all different combinations, such as: Susan Johnson Susan Dobbs Johnson Susan D. Johnson Don’t you have better things to do? Rule 10 How to Act on Dates 1, 2 and 3 (#ulink_462d9f4e-eb8d-5577-8585-e43475c9e000) If you are anything like us, you’ve thought a lot about how much the two of you have in common before he even arrives to pick you up. And you’ve named the children before he says hello. This type of seemingly innocuous daydreaming before the date is dangerous, possibly the worst thing you can do short of professing love to him during dessert. This kind of fantasising leads to unfulfilled longing and to unrealistic expectations of romance and passion that makes you prone to say foolish things like, ‘I have two tickets to a concert,’ after the first date. (Yes, you can reciprocate but much later – see Rule 4 (#ulink_7670d146-9484-5c9a-93e3-4e4c6ae2eb9b)). If at all possible, don’t think of him before he arrives – it isn’t necessary for the first three dates. Be busy right up until the minute he buzzes you from downstairs. Don’t have him come up to your flat on the first date. Preferably, meet him downstairs or at a restaurant. (Rules girl play it safe.) On these three dates, don’t tell him all about your day as if you’ve known each other for years, thinking that it will bring you closer. Don’t be too serious, controlling or wifey. Don’t mention the M word, not even to mention that your brother recently got married. Remember that you are a creature unlike any other, a beautiful woman, inside and out. So don’t feel that you have to fit in a love seminar or last-minute therapy session to be in good form. You should feel no pressure whatsoever. In fact, all you really have to do on the first three dates is show up, relax, pretend you’re an actress making a cameo appearance in a movie. Reread Rule 1: Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’. Be sweet and light. Laugh at his jokes, but don’t try too hard. Smile a lot, and don’t feel obligated to fill up the lulls in the conversation. In general, let him do all the work – pick you up, pick the restaurant, open the door, and pull out the chair. Act nonchalantly at all times, as if you’re always on dates and it’s nothing out of the ordinary (even if you haven’t had a date in years). If you have to think about something, think about your date with another man that week. You should always try to date other people so that you never get hung up on one man at any time. End the date first (see Rule 12 (#litres_trial_promo)), especially if you like him. Glance at your watch after two hours (for a drink date) or three or four hours (for a dinner date), simply sigh, and say, ‘Well, this was really great, but I’ve got a really big day tomorrow.’ Don’t say what it is you’re doing tomorrow. At the end of the first date, you can accept a light peck on the cheek or lips even though you’re dying to do more. Don’t invite him up to your place at the end of the first date. After all, he’s still a stranger at this point. He should only see the outside of your house. This is both for safety and The Rules. By not letting him into your flat or agreeing to go to his, you drastically reduce your chances of any sort of problem occurring. If you meet someone at a bar or party, the same rule applies. Don’t get into his car for any reason (or you might end up in his boot!). Don’t invite him to go to your flat or go to his that night. It’s a crazy world out there. Play it safe! On the second date, use your judgement. If you feel comfortable with this man, he can pick you up at your flat and you can invite him up for a drink at the end of the night. But when in doubt, meet him downstairs in the hall and say goodnight there as well. Rules girls don’t take chances! We know we’re asking you to go against your feelings here, but you want to get married, don’t you? Anyone can get a one-night stand. In summary, the first three dates should be like ‘being and nothingness’. Dress nice, be nice, good-bye and go home. Not too much feeling, investment or heart. You’re probably wondering how long you can keep up this act, right? Don’t worry, it gets easier! Rule 11 How to Act on Dates 4 Through Commitment Time (#ulink_67cbd978-d23d-579d-b828-a9cef2b449fb) On the first three dates, you showed up and acted sweet. On the fourth date, you can show more of yourself. You can talk about your feelings, as long as you don’t get too heavy, or play therapist or mother. Exhibit warmth, charm and heart. If his dog died or his football team lost, express sympathy. Look into his eyes, be attentive and a good listener so that he knows you are a caring human being – a person who would make a supportive wife. Still, don’t mention words like marriage, wedding, kids, or the future. Those are subjects for him to bring up. He must take the lead. Talk about something outside your relationship, like your favourite sport, TV show, a great movie, the novel you just finished, an interesting article from the Spectator or a good museum exhibition you just saw. You get the idea! Don’t tell him what your astrologist, nutritionist, personal trainer, shrink or yoga instructor think about your relationship with him. Don’t tell him what a mess you were before you met him. Don’t tell him he’s the first man to treat you with respect. He’ll think you’re a loser or a tramp. Конец ознакомительного фрагмента. Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес». Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию (https://www.litres.ru/raznoe-12198232/the-complete-book-of-rules-time-tested-secrets-for-capturi/?lfrom=688855901) на ЛитРес. 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